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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, January 29, 2006 at 6:00 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Another Audio Show and More Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! The column and audio show that’s slowly corrupting the IWC. Well, I slacked off last week, and there was no column. So, you get two for the price of one this week. An audio show and Kane’s House. See? Wevvy takes care of you, the readers. There’s one other matter to address, before we get rolling. To those who emailed me the previous week. I’m terribly sorry, but I was bored at work and so decided to clean out my email. At work. And well, I got rid of the Japanese spam, but I also trashed a bunch of emails from readers. All I can say is, my bad. So, sorry for not replying, and there you have it. Boredom is like ham to Big Show. It makes me goofy and not too bright. The audio show can be downloaded HERE: Ridin' With The Bossman Audio Show 5 I talk about my predictions for the Royal Rumble The impact of the WB and UPN merging Wrestlemania Predictions And MORE! Ridin' With The Bossman Audio Show 5 Now, let’s all get goofy, shall we? Kane’s House In a darkened room, the musical beeps of a cell phone can be heard, coming from somewhere. A hand reaches out from under the covers, and paws along a nightstand, knocking over assorted small items, before closing on the intruding device. The hand closes over it and pulls it back under the covers. A soft click later, and a gravelly voice rumbles: Voice: I’m here. The voice on the other end of the phone speaks with a slight Southern Twang. Southern Voice: Agent 0069? I have a mission for you. Get to a secure location, and await further instructions. Gravelly Voice: I’m on my way. Another soft click is heard, and under the covers a rustling of slow movement is hear. The man throws the covers back, sits up, and runs a hand across his head. He reaches over and turns on a light. From under the covers, a long nailed hand reaches out and wraps around his waist. A sleepy voice asks: Woman’s voice: Who was that? Are you leaving? Man: Sorry doll, but duty calls. The woman sits up, pulling the sheet over herself to cover her naked body. She leans her head on the man’s shoulder and asks playfully: Woman: Do you really have to go? I mean, you can be a little bit late can’t you? Man: Sorry honey, but duty calls! The woman lies back down, while the man gets dressed. Woman: I never knew that porn stars had such a demanding schedule! Val Venis: We’re always ready for action! I’ll see ya around, Tracie! Woman: The name is Jillian, you bastard! Val Venis:Right! Jillian! Bye! Val runs out of the bedroom, and opens the front door. He is blinded by the late morning sunshine. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of sunglasses. He hurries over to parked sleek black Hyundai Sonata. He gets in and puts on his seat belt. He then peels out of the driveway, and into town. Meanwhile, Back in the Neighborhood. Big Show is coming out of his house, whistling a jaunty tune. He stops whistling once outside, and looks around to make sure that the coast is clear. He starts to sneak down the path to the street, when the sound of digging catches his ears. Big Show moves around to the side of his house and looks over his fence. He sees a shirtless Kane digging away at the frozen ground. Big Show: Morning Kane. Aren’t you cold? Kane: Good morning Big Show. No, I’m not cold at all. Digging keeps me warm. Big Show: Trying to get a head start on the spring planting huh? Kane: No. Big Show: OK, planning on doing some yard work, maybe putting in a deck or a pagoda? Kane: No. Big Show: You’re not, uh, planning on burying anything are you? Kane: No. Big Show: So what the heck…nevermind….say Kane, I’m heading over to McMahon Mart to pick up a few things, want to come along? Kane: Sure! Lita went out earlier, but I forgot to mention a few things I wanted her to pick up. That Lita, she sure loves her thongs! Big Show: Uh, great! I’ll meet you out- An avalanche of snow from the roof heralds the arrival of Bossman from the top of Kane’s house. He drops to the ground with a heavy thump. He gets up and dusts himself off. He then adjusts his video gear, slung around him like ammunition. Bossman: You going to McMahon Mart? Great, I’ll need a ride. The batteries in my camera just went died. If we hurry, I can get back in time for Maria to start changing. I’ll just pop home for a second and meet you out front. Bossman scurries off. Big Show: Damn. Come on Kane, put down the shovel, and let’s go. Kane: OK, let me just put a list together first. Don’t want to forget anything. HAHAHAHAHA! Big Show: OK, see you soon.(muttering) I should have just gone, but no! Had to stop and be a pal! Had to be the good neighbor! It won’t end up like last time, it won’t end up like last time, it won’t end up like last time. Just in and out. That’s all, in and out… Later, in the Parking Lot The group is huddled in the tight confines of Big Show’s mini van. Big Show: Let’s go over the plan one more time. I don’t want any hijinks. Let’s just go in, get our stuff, and leave. OK? Big Show last instructions are drowned out under the growing noise of a leaf blower. Bossman: What? Big Show: I said we- Big Show’s words are drowned out again. Right next to the mini van, a man wearing protective ear gear and a leaf blower is standing. Bossman: (shouting) What??? Big Show: HOLD ON! The side panel door opens, and the group steps out. Big Show walks over to the landscaper, and taps him on the shoulder. The man flicks a lever on the side of the leaf blower and removes one hear. Loud mariachi music can be heard coming from a concealed headphone in the ear covers. Man: Que? Big Show: Do you mind working somewhere else for a while? Man: Que? Big Show: I said, would you mind going somewhere else for a while? We’re trying to have a conversation. Man: Que? Big Show: Nevermind. Let’s go guys. Remember, in and out! No trouble! Big Show starts walking to the store, while Bossman, Kane follow. The man with the leaf blower shrugs and starts up his blower again. As the group nears the entrance, an unfamiliar site greets them. A large blond man is standing outside the doors, with his back to the doors, and his arms crossed. Behind him, a smaller blonde man stands, and pleads with the first one. Man: Johnny! Come back! Johnny: No way! I can’t take it anymore! The constant hours! The customers! It’s too much! I’m leaving Johnny! Johnny: Fine! Be that way! We can replace you! Johnny #1: NUH-UH! Johnny #2: Can too! Why, here’s your replacement now! Hello Oleg! Another large blond man comes outside, holding a ream of paper, which he gives to the smaller man. Oleg: Hello Mr. Ace. I am, how you say? Glad to be here. Johnny: Have you finished your paperwork? Oleg: Da! I have signed everything! But I have questions. Johnny: That’s super! So, what can I help you with? Oleg: I not so good with English. What is this tea-bagging I must do for you? I make tea? I can make tea! Johnny: No, that’s not quite what it means, come inside and I’ll explain…so long Johnny! Any other questions Oleg? Oleg: Da! What is thong? What is this coffee enigma that I must do for Mr. Vince? Johnny: The word is enema, and I’ll be happy to show you, let’s go inside and discuss this in private. The two blonde men enter the store, while Johnny runs off in tears. Inside Big Show rounds up Kane and Bossman, who keeps trying to run away. Big Show has a large hand on Bossman’s shoulder to stop him. Big Show: OK, everyone got their lists? Know what you need? Good. OK, let’s go get our stuff and then leave. No problems. Let’s do this quick and easy. In and out. All right? Kane: Yes. In and Out. HAHAHAHA! Big Show: Good Kane. Bossman? Bossman:I just need to get some batteries, that’s all! Honest! No hijinks! I just need some batteries! (under his breath) and put a few things in the ladies changing room. Big Show: What was that? Bossman: Nothing! Let me go! You want this over quick right? Big Show releases Bossman, who runs off, cackling. Big Show: Man, I hope I didn’t just make a huge mistake. You remember last time, right Kane? Kane? Where did he go? I got a bad feeling about this… Kane’s Story Kane is moving through the ladies section, causing stares with his huge shirtless presence. A friendly sales associate approaches him. Her nametag says Melina. Melina: Can I help you sir? Kane: I’m looking for my wife. She said she was thong shopping. Melina: Maybe she’s trying them on. I’ll go check the changing room. I’m sorry sir, but you can’t go with me. I’ll just be a second. Kane stands there, smiling creepily, while Melina heads into the changing room. A short while later, a scream is heard, and Melina comes back out, with two people in tow. One she has by the ear, the other in an arm lock. Melina: What the hell do you people think you’re doing?!?! Edge: Ease up honey! Don’t be such a prude! Lita: Yeah! Let go! We were just expressing our love! Edge: YEAH! In a public place! That’s so hot! Lita: You said it baby! Melina: That’s disgusting! Come on you two! I’m calling security! Kane: Hi honey! I forgot to tell you to pick up bungee cords, Jell-O, and a wiffle ball bat. Melina: This is your wife? Edge: A wiffle ball bat? Man, you’re a bigger pervert than I am! Lita: You big red retard! I hate you! Get them yourself! Melina: Wait a second, I’m confused… Edge: I got something that will straighten everything out. It’s in my pants, and it’s getting straighter thinking about bungee cords and Jell-O! OH YEAH! Melina: That’s it! You sick freaks! ALL OF YOU! Edge: OW! Oh yeah! Spank me! I’ve been a bad boy! Edge likes it rough! Melina forces the couple to move down the aisle, while Kane still smiles. Kane: I guess I’ll have to get them myself. Now, where are the bungee cords? In the background, the soft hum of an idling leaf blower fades, as the landscaper slinks back through the dress racks. Big Show’s Tale Big Show is walking down the food aisle, putting things in a cart. Suddenly a commotion is heard a few aisles over. Big Show freezes, and then puts back the economy size box of Cheeze-its. He grabs his cart, and starts heading towards the noise. Big Show: Please don’t let it be Bossman! NOT BOSSMAN! Anything but Bossman! He rounds the corner, to see a pile of potato chip bags being blown around by a man with a leaf blower, while a floor associate yells at him The landscaper only replies with: Landscaper: Que? Big Show heaves a sigh of relief. He then notices the man, wearing a tuxedo standing next to him. Big Show: Hey Val! How are you? Val: I’m fine, thanks for asking Big Show. Just picking up a few things I see? Big Show: That’s right! Big Super Bowl party next week! You coming? Val: I’ll try! But in my line of work, you never know what will happen. Big Show: Oh, that’s right, the whole secret agent- Val: PORNSTAR! I’m a porn star! Remember, we’re in public. Don’t want my cover blown. Big Show: Right, sorry. Hey, looks like you got an admirer Val. Val looks over and sees a buxom brunette, fondling a cucumber suggestively. Big Show smiles, and waves to the lady, who pushes her cart over. Big Show: Hi Candace? How are you? Candace: Hi Big Show, I’m fine thanks! Who’s your cute friend? Big Show: This is Val Venis. He’s a secret- Val: Porn star! I’m a porn star! Uh, I was just telling Big Show about my next movie, “You Only Cum Once”, yeah, that’s it. Big Show: Yeah, Val really makes the role seem alive. So, just doing some shopping Candace? Candace: That’s right. I was just picking up some vegetables like carrots (Candace picks up a carrot and slides it in and out of her mouth), and some bananas (Candace then picks up a banana and starts to stroke it) and then I was going to get a nice, big, piece of meat. Maybe you could help me pick one out Val? I’m sure you know your meat. Val: HEY! I don’t do gay porn! I think that’s disgusting! It’s amoral and wrong! Candace: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that- Val: Good day to you lady! Candace hurries off, a hurt look on her face. Big Show: What was that about? Val: I’m working. Did you see the size of those melons? Big Show: Hell yeah! Val: They looked so big and full. I’d like to get my hands on those. Big Show: And when she leaned forward, I could have sworn I saw nipple! Val: Huh? I was talking about the melons in the cart. They looked nice and ripe. I should pick some up after my mission is over. Big Show: Yeah. Uh, sure. I’ll catch you later Val. Val: So long Big Show. Man, that chick had a great ass! At the Checkout Big Show: OK, I got some mini pizzas, potato chips, drinks, some cocktail wieners, heh, wieners, and that looks to be all of it. Now, where’s Kane and Bossman. Kane: I’m right here! Kane walks up pushing a cart loaded with merchandise. A kiddie pool, a rake, a set of golf clubs, and a garden gnome are sticking over the sides of the cart. Big Show: What the-. Hey, have you seen Bossman? Kane: No. But I’m ready to go. A loud crash is heard, and people fleeing in panic rush by. Big Show: BOSSMAN! Dammit, I knew this would happen! Come on Kane! Kane and Big Show frantically push their carts through the throng, and come to a scene of destruction. Part of the back walls has exploded outwards, and a large man stands atop the rubble. Big Show: Oh my God! Val Venis pushes his way through the crowd and stands next to Big Show. He yells into his watch. Val: We’re too late! He’s gotten loose! I repeat, Mark Henry is loose! Kane: He looks different. Indeed, Mark has changed. Atop his massive body, a head has been attached. Juvi: AT LAST! THE JUICE IS LOOSE! TO DE PHARMACY! Mark: I’m hungry! I could go for some Ding Dongs! Juvi: Dis is my body now! And I say we got to the Pharmacy! Mark: Ah man, but I’m hungry! Juvi: After the Pharmacy, there will be plenty of Dig Dongs and Ho Hos! Mark: Twinkies too? Juvi: That’s right esse! All the Twinkies you could ever want! No one can stop us now! De Juice says so! Val: Code Blue! Code Blue! All teams GO! Juvi Henry starts to move from the rubble. From behind them, Vince and a man in a cowboy hat emerge. Vince: Look at him! He’s going to change the retail world forever! JR: Vince, I don’t think you should be playing God like this! Vince: Shut up JR! Look at him! He moves like floor crew, and we can pay him like a cashier! It’s the best of both worlds I tell you! From the surrounding aisles, two men emerge with leaf blowers, turned on high. Super Crazy and Psychosis: JUVI! Psychosis: What have they done to you? Juvi: DE JUICE IS NOW THE GREATEST LUCHADORE IN THE WORLD! NOTHING CAN STOP DE JUICE! Mark: Mmm. I smell hot dogs! Juvi: NO! WE must get to de pharmacy! De Juice needs his juice! Val: TEAM! PLAN DELTA! Super Crazy and Psychosis break off and try to surround Juvi Henry. Big Show: We got to do something! Where’s Bossman? Bossman: Right here. I told you I only needed to get some batteries! A clerk runs up to Bossman. Clerk: Bossman? You left your things! We don’t want Skipper to get into them now do we? Big Show: Skipper? Clerk: He’s a precious little puppy that Mr. Bossman stops by to see every week. He’s so cute with Skipper! Always brings him treats! Bossman: Thanks! Shut up Big Show! Stop smiling! Big Show: That’s sweet Bossman, but what are we going to do about that? Bossman: I got a plan! He runs off. Big Show: Great Plan! Kane! WE have to do something! If that thing gets loose, all the snack food in the world will be in danger! Kane nods. He raises his arms! A look of intense concentration comes over his face. Sweat breaks out on his forehead. He brings down his arms, with a mighty grunt. Across the way, JR bursts into flames. JR: MY GAWD! I’M ON FIRE! SAVE MY BARBEQUE SAUCE! Big Show: You missed! Kane: Did I? Sorry. Habit. Juvi Henry stops in place, a hand held up in front of him to stop the leaf blower attack. Juvi Henry sniffs. Mark: I smell Barbeque sauce! I love BBQ sauce! Juvi: NO! WE must crush these puny putas! Mark: Man, that smells so good! Mark moves over to the still twitching JR and starts to toss him around like a rag doll. Bossman runs back, holding a box of Ding Dongs. Juvi Henry has fond the bottle of BBQ sauce, and starts drinking it, while the Juvi head curses in Spanish. Bossman runs over to Juvi Henry, and throws the box at him. Mark: Hey! Ding Dongs! I love Ding Dongs! Mark sticks the whole box in his mouth, and munches happily. Juvi: Come on man! We gots to take over the world! Finally, the world will see that Juvi is DA JUICE! And that….that….hey, I feel funny…I feel good…I feel relaxed….man, Ding Dongs RULE! Juvi Henry falls over, while a smug Bossman looks on. Vince: NO! MY CREATION! Val: Hold it right there Vince! Val Venis! Secret Agent! I mean PORNSTAR! No, really, I‘m a secret agent, and YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR REATING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! Take him away boys! Super Crazy and Psychosis aim their leaf blowers menacingly at Vince, who cowers back in fear. Val: Good work Bossman! Putting tranquilizers in the Ding Dongs was pure genius! Quick thinking! If you ever want a job with the Company, just look me up. Well, out work here is done! Have a good day citizens, and Big Show? Do you have Candace’s number? Big Show: Huh, what? Oh, no, but I can ask her. Val: Splendid! Big Show: What the hell just happened? Bossman: I – Big Show: Don’t answer. Come on. Let’s go. Kane: Yeah, I got plans for this gnome! Oh yes! HAHAHAHAHA! Big Show: (Under his breath) Next time, just go Paul. Don’t look back, just pick up and go! Police are coming into the building, as Big Show, Kane, and Bossman make their purchases. Val and the Mexicool Swat Team hustle Vince out through the back, while men in trench coats and forklift carry off Juvi Henry. Another day made safe for ordinary folks in an extraordinary town. Thanks to Bossman and Val Venis. Secret Agent. Val: PORNSTAR! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!?! I’M A PORNSTAR! Sorry, Val Venis, porn star. And secret agent. Val: I heard that! Bastard. The End. Time to wrap this up, but first, reader Dan sent in some pcitures I'd like to share with you. They are of a very revelaing nature, so be warned. Hey Wevv, Think these two were seperated at birth?       Yep, Flava Flav and Boogey Man. Seperated at birth. Dan Thanks Dan. And now for the plugs. QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. DVD Fanatic, the Ultimate DVD Resource Home of The Project Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin’ and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* The WWE SD & RAW Divas PARTYING in a CLUB! WOW!
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