Volume One of Huss, Bitches
    Submitted by BC on Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 9:17 PM EST



    Uh oh.

    There goes the neighborhood.

    Greetings and salutations, friends and those soon-to-be. I'm BC, the newest and least old columnist here on LordsOfPain.net. If you know me, you know what you're in for here. If you don't, well... we're in the same boat because I have no idea what the other folks are expecting. Luckily, this column's for us. Tonight, I've decided to tell you a little about myself. Nothing major. Just who I am, what I'm doing here, what I like, what I don't... just first-date type stuff really.

    Unless you're that kind of girl and we can skip at all that.

    I just turned 22 not long ago and I call Florida home. What we may lack in voting practices and an education system, we make for with sunshine and... well, hurricanes, I guess. Anyway, I've been a wrestling fan for going on 17 of those 22 years and I grew up on tapes of old Mid-South Wrestling, before it came the UWF. I started watching WCW in '91, ECW in '95 and everything else pretty much right from when it started.

    Anyway, I'm here because I've been posting columns for a bit over a year in the LOP Columns Forum and the owner here decided that I was worthy enough of relocating here. It's quite an honor and it's not something I'm planning to take lightly. I'm coming here with a few goals in mind and for the sake of satisfying your curiosity, here them is...

    First, I hope to help increase the coverage of Ring of Honor here at LOP. I hope to do that by... hmmm. Would you look at that? I already did it. I'll check that off, I guess, though I'll probably be talking about them some more in the future. TNA, too, without a doubt. I'll try to fit in some WWE stuff, but... well, I probably won't. I don't watch them much anymore.

    Next, I hope that I can use this time and energy to help somebody somewhere enhance their love of professional wrestling. That sounds a bit farcical, I know, but with every match a fan watches and column they read, they continue indoctrinating themselves into the strange and wonderful brotherhood that is the wrestling fan population. This is where you go "awwwww".

    Last and by all means most importantly, this is MY creative outlet and with it, I hope to entertain you people, if only once and for a brief while. It's just wrestling... but I like it. You're here, so you must too. We should share a laugh about it and that's just what we'll do. Taking this thing too seriously doesn't get anybody anywhere as taking things too seriously never does. Not saying sitting here and being subjected to a series of jokes will get you anywhere, but...

    You probably don't have anything better to do anyway.

    So what about me? Seeing as I've christened myself as the guy who'll help you waste your time when you should be working and/or fostering relationships with loved ones, what the hell is my deal? What is it that puts a smile on my face or a sad song in my heart? What is it I like and what don't I like?

    Well, I like wrestling and I like wrestling fans. I realize there are some "closeted wrestling fans" out there who are a bit ashamed to admit their love for it. That's cool. I'm just not one of them. Now, perhaps more than ever, admitting to enjoy wrestling is pretty much like slapping a sticker on your face that reads "white trash". Well, I was born with that sticker, so it ain't done bothered me none. Plus, I find a really great wrestling match can be as artistic and poignant as any other form of art. Hell, if the aristocrats out there want to watch fat women dressed as vikings sing songs about some Norwegian dude fucking his mom or something in the opera, then I can mark out for The Berzerker. Huss, bitches.

    I don't really like for the current direction WWE is going. Now, before I get jumped on with "it's not wrestling, it's sports-entertainment" and that bullshit, I'll come out and say it. I don't like sports-entertainment oriented programming. That's not to say I don't like sports-entertainment. What I don't like is when sports-entertainment overshadows the concept of wrestling. I don't mind a promo at all. Twenty minutes is a bit excessive, but still if it's designed to make me more excited about a match, plug me in and twist my nipples. That's not what today's promos are designed to do. They're designed to build towards... more promos. Longer promos with more talking. Not fun. I don't care if Vince McMahon books The Pope next week. He gets six minutes before somebody comes out and whacks him with that stick he carries.

    On a side-note, I like that stick the Pope carries. The hat, too. Pope's okay in my book. A little green, but he's a puppy with big paws. Most important, he looks the part. 90% of being the Pope is the threads.

    Here's one for you: I like John Cena. I don't listen to rap and I don't really relate to the gimmick, but I like the guy okay. He's not the best in-ring performer in the world, but you're not going to find the best in-ring performer in the world in WWE. If he's there, he's certainly not giving the best in-ring performances. His finisher looks a little weak, but all it's got to do is put a dude down for three. I can see that. I'd like a bit more substance to his promos, but that's across the board. Long and short, there's nothing I see wrong with Cena that I couldn't say about any other WWE wrestler.

    What I don't like is the whole ideology that WWE's not doing right by his character. Should John Cena turn heel? Fuck no. Why? Because fans don't like him? That has nothing to do with being a face or a heel. Listen to the sounds whenever Triple H's music hits. You get some cheers there. Should he turn face? Not based on that. What's the whole point behind the face/heel structure anyway? To tell the fans who to cheer and who to boo? Not at all. It's designed to create emotional interest in the match. You want the guy you like to win. Does it matter if he's face or heel? Fans who hate Cena will hate him face or heel. Fans who love him will love him either way. It's the people who don't know better that WWE and Cena need to worry about. Those people think good thoughts of him, even if you don't.

    It's okay, Cena-haters. You're still cool with me. Why? Because I like it when fans hold wrestling to a set of standards. I like when fans are vocal about things they don't approve of. It's how the people in charge can get a read on their performance and plot their course a bit better. When I hear fans say they're not happy with things they don't like, I appreciate that. I enjoy when people make their choice of entertainment accountable to them. I watch wrestling and wrestling's job is to entertain me. When it fails, I want something done about it. This and this alone is our only power in the industry.

    However, I don't like when fans abuse that power. It's done in a lot of ways, but the way I see most often is what I call the "Battered Fan Syndrome". It works like this. A fan will watch an episode of their show of choice, hate every single second of it from start to finish, shut it off in disgust... then be right back the next week. "Officer, he told me he quit drinkin'!" Yeah, right. You just keep going back, hoping things will change. If you're giving your ratings point to them each week, why do you think it will change? Every week you return, you're telling the show that it's okay to give you programming you don't enjoy because you're just a slut who'll keep coming back for more abuse. Loyalty's great, but self-respect ain't bad either, folks.

    I like TNA and I like it's fans. I really do. TNA's not perfect by any means, but I support and I like that I'm not alone in that. I think it's a solid product and it's worth it to fans to educate themselves on it. Not everything about it is great, but it's moving along, gaining popularity and improving. They took a big dip in quality upon moving to Spike TV as the episodes of iMPACT! I saw over the summer were some of the best wrestling shows I've seen in years, but they're slowly and surely returning to that point, introducing a new audience to their product.

    What I don't like are the "fans", and I use that term loosely, of TNA who know every single problem with it and exactly how to solve it. "They need to start making money and get the belt off Jarrett." Wow. You just blew my mind. Are you saying making money is better than not? Holy shit. The fact is that TNA has the backing of Panda who sees where Vince McMahon's business was in 1998 and where it is now and realizes that there's a big-ass space in between. That space is fans who watched WWF in '98 and don't watch now, along with all the money in their pockets. There's a lot of it, folks, and they know if they play their cards right, they can get some. It's getting the word out which costs money. It did for Vince McMahon and it does for Dixie Carter, who despite what most of these know-it-alls think, is actually running the show. Like it or not, a lot of those fans were still faithfully watching wrestling in the days when Jeff Jarrett was featured. As far as TNA is concerned, he is a lot bigger part of the solution than he is the problem.

    I liked ECW. God, I think my favorite days as a fan were staying up until 2, 3 or 4 in the morning to catch their syndicated show on my little 19" television set. Those were the days. From the Franchise tossing down the belt to RVD's crazy spots to Raven and all things Raven, I was just into it. Hell, I'd even mark for a Musketeer sighting. Yeah, even the most die-hard ECW fan would tell you it wasn't worth a damn after around '97, but I kept watching anyway. Even then, I think part of me liked it so much because I knew it wouldn't last forever. Today, I feel lucky to have at least had a chance to be there for it, good and bad.

    Having said that, I obviously can't stand the ridiculous E-C-W chants that you hear at every show ever. It's fuckin' trendy which is the exact opposite of what ECW stood for. Stuff like seeing RAW last summer and a bunch of fans go nuts for a group of guys they didn't know just because of their association with the legacy. Hell, they were so disillusioned with the state of their current product, they were actually cheering for a failed concept. God, the insincerity of it all made me sad. It's like me telling you how good Frank Gotch and George Hackenschmidt were 100 years ago. I'm sure they were, but hell if I could you a reason to care if you don't. People, you don't want ECW back. What you want is something like what the ECW fans had when ECW was around. That feeling is worth chasing. I'm just not sure if it's out there to be caught.

    I like tolerance. Tolerance is really, really cool. I'm not that big on "equality" because people just simply aren't equal. They all deserve respect, but they're not the same. There are tall people and short people. There are thin people and there are fat people. There are even white people and there are black people. Some white people like black people and some don't. When they don't, that's called intolerance. I don't like intolerance but I tolerate it because I like tolerance more than I dislike intolerance.

    I don't like when I'm told that wrestling isn't racist. It is. It always has been. It always might be. Imagine an all-star team in baseball with no black people. Imagine one in basketball or football. They're incomplete. Hell, look at Tiger fucking Woods! Golf is like the whitest sport ever and a black athlete even dominates that! Black athletes appear at the top level in every sport but one... and it just so happens that the only one they don't is rigged by a bunch of white guys. There's a laundry list of reasons why "insert any black wrestler's name here" didn't/hasn't progressed past where he got/is. There's only one why ALL of them didn't/haven't. I don't like it, but again, I tolerate it. I don't do so without acknowledging it's existence, however.

    I even like Matt Hardy fans. Hell, I am one. I didn't think much of the Hardy Boyz when they first came through and once Jeff got dumped by WWE, I figured that was that. Matt really pulled his own act together and proved me wrong. Mattitude and the Version 1.0 thing were quirky and original enough to make me stand up and take notice. When I did, I realized the guy wasn't half bad in the ring either. The whole scandal with Edge and Lita fucked him over and he got a little pissy, but anybody would in that situation. The dude got fucked over by the whole damn world. He went out, picked himself up and had some pretty good matches with the likes of Christopher Daniels, A.J. Styles, Homicide and Roderick Strong, then came back for a decent deal with Edge. I haven't exactly counted the steps from my house to his, so I'm obviously not the BIGGEST Matt Hardy fan, but I am one and they're cool with me.

    I don't like wrestling fans who make fun of Matt Hardy fans. They might all be 12 year old girls with weight problems. I don't know. Who the fuck cares? They like a wrestler and yes, some of them love the guy. Is it ridiculous? Given the fact that he's banging Ashley, probably. I doubt he'd cut her loose for some chick whose poetry he read on the 'net. Is it any more ridiculous that the same people that make fun of them saying things like "Man, I'd do Maria so hard"? No. Same scenario. You'd try to approach them, get maced and likely beaten savagely, be dumped in an alley dumpster, drag your ass home and make some dumb-ass post on the 'net about how you met 'em and how hot they are. You're not cool either. Bottom line, folks: wrestling fans are wrestling fans. We should stick together, because there's a hell of a lot less of us than there aren't.

    I liked the outpouring of emotion from wrestling fans upon news of the death of Eddy Guerrero. Eddy touched so many through his story and performances and his memory will no doubt live on for a long time to come. WWE will see to it. The wrestlers will see to it. Most of all, the fans will see to it.

    I don't like the fact that the crowd chants "Eddy" during Chavo Guerrero Jr.'s matches. Yes, I'm sure Chavo appreciates it as he's no doubt dedicated his career to his late uncle. However, would it kill people to chant "Chavo"? I mean, the guy's busting his ass out there and he still can't escape Eddy's shadow. I fully understand the semantics behind it, but cut the guy a break.

    I like Mick Foley too. I liked him as Cactus Jack in WCW and ECW, then liked him when he adopted the Mankind character. Dude Love I wasn't crazy about, but it was okay. I loved his last few matches with Triple H in 2000 and I even liked his 2004 bloodbath with Randy Orton, as well as the feud leading up to it. I've read two of his books and liked them both. I liked his run in Ring of Honor last year where he feuded with Ricky Steamboat and Samoa Joe. I've even met him once, at a gym, believe it or not. I'd have loved to have seen him go to TNA last year rather than re-sign with WWE, simply because TNA could and would have used his talents. Still, all in all, Mick Foley is an okay guy in my book.

    I don't like "the next Mick Foley". Well, he doesn't exist, so I'll rephrase that. I don't like the people trying to become "the next Mick Foley". I'm talking about backyard wrestlers. Don't get me wrong. If you want to drag your buddy out back and stomp his guts in, that's cool. It's stupid, but it's cool. However, don't belabor under the delusion that it's any sort of entertainment for anyone but you and your either previous and/or now-retarded friends. It's not. Vince McMahon isn't going to be surfing the 'net and catch a clip of you diving off your roof and give you a call. Oh, wait. I forgot. You don't need him because you're not just a "wrestler", you're a "promoter" too. Fuck Vince. In another year, people will be lining up to get tickets to IWHCXWHIXCWH or whatever ridiculously long "hardcore" or "xtreme with no E" acronym you choose. Go to the gym. Go to a decent school. Train your ass off. Believing your stupid yard shit will get you anywhere based on Foley's accomplishments demeans everything he's accomplished. He did a lot more to earn his legacy than diving off his roof. I don't know the man, but I'd bet that every time he sees people emulating his stunt, he regrets it.

    As I've mentioned twice before, I like Ring of Honor. I first caught wind of it in 2002, shortly after it started. Something about the "code of honor" concept really appealed to me as it was vastly different than anything other promotions were trying. The wrestling's consistently good and perhaps even great and some of the storylines going right now are the most compelling I've seen in years. The "code of honor" is long gone now, but each year that passes, RoH grows and grows in every discernable way. Their fanbase might be a little full of themselves at times, but they keep coming back for more. I can include myself in both of those statements. Most of all, I love the passion it exudes. Hell, here I am, taking this time and space to tell you about it and getting nothing in return. I just think people should know. If you're a jaded fan who thinks you've seen it all, it may just be the cure for what ails you.

    Flipping the coin, I'm not too happy with most of RoH's fans. I've already acknowledged the compulsion we have to discuss this with the world, but must you people lie so damn much? Not every RoH match is the "match of the year". Hell, no RoH match last year was "match of the year". Shawn Michaels' match with Shelton Benjamin was. RoH has some damn fine wrestling and more often than not, it's better that the national promotions' televised shows. Still, have you people so little faith that you have to fucking deify the damn thing? I can't imagine anyone slogging through the leagues of praise heaped on October's match between Kenta Kobashi and Samoa Joe, then seeing and not being disappointed. Short of seeing a run-in by Jesus Christ himself, nothing could live up to the claims people made about that match. It was damn good, yes. It was not a religious revival.

    I like the internet. I'm guessing you do too. I bought my first computer in late-2003 and that was the first time I'd ever actually used it. I've learned a lot and it's been a pretty handy tool at times, especially come Sundays and the New York Times crossword. I like sites like LordsOfPain too, mostly because they let me write here. Just kidding. I like it because it's a quick, easy way to find out what's going on in the world of wrestling. I mean, you can learn all sorts of interesting facts... like that an internet columnist likes the internet. Stuff like that.

    I don't like spoilers. I don't like the fact that a fan can have their mind made up about a show they haven't seen. I must say from experience that some of the SmackDown episodes that look like crap on paper have been quite enjoyable. I understand why these things exist. After all, this is information and has no malicious intent behind existing. I just hate the way that it's given the internet, as if it was an entity itself, a degree of credibility. Now, everything posted is believed and a fan is somehow "smarter" for having known it. Knowledge may indeed be power, but absolute power corrupts absolutely.

    I don't like Batista. I'm not sure I can fully express in written words how much I don't like Batista. If I did, it would be bold text and in all capital letters and would probably read something like this: I DON'T LIKE BATISTA.

    I do like the fact that you took the time to read this and hope you enjoyed it.

    I don't like the fact that I have to stop now.

    I do like that I'll be back again someday and hopefully, you will too.

    Until then, just a few quick words to leave y'all with...

    Thanks again to the LOP brass for the chance to post this here. Hopefully, I can live up to whatever expectation you may or may not have. I'd also like to send out a "hey, how are you?" to fellow main page columnist Morpheus, without whom I doubt you'd be reading this. Hope you're well, Big M. Also, my best wishes go out to the LOP Columns Forum who will all miss me so much, they'll be inconsolable forever. Sorry for your loss.

    If you'd like to let me know what you thought of this piece... why? I mean, you can e-mail me at onemillionbc@hotmail.com. I could tell you that I'll read and reply to every message, but that would probably be a lie since I have absolutely no plans of doing that. Still, send 'em anyway and you might get lucky. Just title it something you think I'd want to read like "FREE PORN" or "YOU HAVE WON MONEY".

    Later!




    *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING Recent Pix of Candice Michelle Soaking Herself for Diggnation! WOW!

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