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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Monday, January 16, 2006 at 4:34 PM EST
“I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into 9 guys you've fucked.” Welcome back to the column that’s more irregular than a bad case of constipation The Nosebleed Section. I am your Pepto-chugging host Randomguy#5. Good afternoon to all, and I wish you a very merry MLK day here in the states. Something of a controversial holiday I suppose, or as my father’s employer told him “That’s not a holiday”. Of course the white employer then turned around and gladly gave two African American employees the day off. I however, had no such battles with my employer. Not because I’m black, which I’m not, but because I work for the state. J Today’s column will deviate a bit from the usual course, but most of you are intelligent enough to follow along at home. There will be no “Random acts of wrestling” Top 10 list, because nobody voted for the last one. To which I say “boo”. If you care to have that little gimmick come back, feel free to send in some votes via the link above or below the column, and I will bring it back next edition. --Could the NFL have any more upsets this postseason? For the first time in what seems like my entire life, I have almost no rooting interest from here on out. That’s pathetic. --Shelton Benjamin’s mama is an angle/character that I am enjoying for right now. I will say that it could get extremely old, very fast if the creative team doesn’t take care to prevent that from happening. Right now, I’ll say that anything keeping Shelton on the air is ok in my book. Aside from the racial stereotypes of course, which I’ve kinda grown numb to. --I cried when I read that Flair was facing Edge tonight in a TLC match. No really though. --I made the comment in The Project‘s Forums that I thought, “Watching (The Boogeyman) is like watching a car wreck. You don't want to look. You try not to look. You even put your hands over your eyes and almost kill five other people. But in the end, you end up peeping through your fingers because you just can't help yourself, and must know what it looks like.” --I fucking hate Mark Henry. In my last column Strap on-Part I, I discussed the role that championships play in professional wrestling. Admittedly, such a discussion could in reality be a thesis. Never before has the entertainment world seen such a mysterious and misunderstood phenomenon as the championships of professional wrestling. They are props-designed and created to do little more than provide incentive for the storyline to keep going. But they are much more than that, in that they are the pinnacles of industry-stepping stones by which a performers career will be judged. For more on this subject, click HERE to read the previous Nosebleed Section. Having established the role that championships play in professional wrestling, I feel there is a need to discuss the situations surrounding the various titles of the two major North American promotions. For this, I have decided to blow the dust off an idea I had some time ago while writing in the Columns Forum. The premise is simple. I will attempt to rank the Championships and their respective “divisions”. Keep in mind that I am only focusing on Total Non-stop Action and World Wrestling Entertainment. I’ve heard tail of the great things being done by Ring of Honor and New Japan, but sadly I am not educated enough in their goings on to include them in this list. Perhaps someday, but not today. I intend to make this sort of column a ‘quarterly’ venture, in that I will do it four times a year, likely coinciding with the WWE’s four major PPVs; Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania, Summer Slam, and Survivor Series. The rankings of these divisions and titles are based solely on my own opinion and I am taking into account the perceived “divisions” or people regularly in the title hunt, perceived credibility both of the belt itself and the champion at the time, in ring work, storylines and entertainment value. #11 WWE Raw-World Tag Team Championships Current Champions: The Big Show and Kane This was actually a difficult decision for me because I really enjoyed the initial excitement of having Big Show and Kane teaming together. Sadly, following an initially entertaining burst onto the scene winning the titles at Taboo Tuesday, they’ve done very little for the actual division. There are no creditable contenders for the straps at the moment, and this has been the forgotten division on Raw for a long, long time now. #10 WWE Smackdown: WWE Cruiserweight Championship Current Champion: Kid Kash I can’t help but feel as if Kash was given the title as incentive for those who may be considering leaving TNA for the WWE. He wasn’t even on Smackdown (instead languishing on Velocity) until he one day showed up and walked into a title “feud” with Juventud. The feud last one week, until Kash won the title at Armageddon with little to no build up or character development. Now, he is injured reportedly with a broken arm, and may be forced to drop the title as unceremoniously as he won it. The talent is there for this division to rock again, but management just isn’t behind it. #9 WWE Raw: WWE Women’s Championship Current Champion: Trish Stratus I don’t know how to rank this division honestly. Trish has given it some much-needed credibility after a summer purge of most of its talent. With all of the old blood booted out the door, including two very qualified contenders in Gail Kim and Molly Holly, the division seemed doomed. Then, a very strong title run by Trish, a reemerging Victoria, and the call-up of Mickie James, the division seems to have life. The James/Stratus storyline is actually quite entertaining, though it’s starting to drag a bit while waiting on management to decide who to turn heel. The possibilities with rumors of other call-ups as well as Lita’s presence still provides some upside for what can be at times and entertaining portion of the show. The key is to let Candice, Torrie, Maria, etc handle the TNA spots, and let Trish, Mickie, Victoria and Lita stick to wrestling and real storylines. #8 WWE Raw: WWE Intercontinental Championship Current Champion: Ric Flair I was amped when Flair won this title. He did it in a decent feud with Carlito but then advanced directly into a non-title feud with Triple H, and another non-title feud (apparently) with Edge. This division could have served well with Carlito, Masters, Shelton, Chavo, and any other number of competitors, but the decision was made to put the strap on Flair, which I really didn’t mind, assuming he would elevate the title and put over the younger talent. Instead, the younger talent got grouped in an Elimination Chamber and the title has been forgotten about. I would assume that the “Shelton’s Mama” storyline is gearing him up for a run at the title, and Flair, at Wrestlemania. We’ll see, but regardless, this title has seen better days. #7 TNA: NWA Tag Team Champions Current Champions: America’s Most Wanted- “Wildcat” Chris Harris and “The Tennessee Cowboy” James Storm There was a time when I’d have ranked this division much, much higher. I have nothing but love, respect, and admiration for Team 3D (formerly the Dudley Boyz) and I was of that group that considered AMW to be the greatest tag team in wrestling (and in fact, I still think they are). Throw in The Naturals and Team Canada and this is a very healthy division. Sadly, to me at least, the mixing of Jarret and his clan into AMW’s characters hasn’t been all positive. They needed a character overhaul I agree, but things seem to be standing still waiting on something to happen in this division. AMW needs time away from it, but Team 3D works well in the chase role. I maybe being harsh on this group, but I do enjoy this division. #6 WWE Smackdown: WWE Tag Team Championship Current Holders: MNM- Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, with manager Melina. I may catch hell for ranking this division ahead of TNA’s, but I have my reasons. TNA may have the better talent competing for the division, but in my eyes, the titles are quickly becoming second fiddle to the Jarret and clan vs. Sting and clan feud. On Smackdown, the competition for the titles is still at the forefront, and MNM are as entertaining a tag-team right now as there is, particularly when one includes Melina (who is a great heel manager, aside from filling a T & A void). Their feud with the Mexicools was quite entertaining, Animal and Heidenrich seem to have vanished but they were solid, as are The Dicks (ha, solid dicks) and the team of Spanky and London. This division has serious upside, if management decides to go that route and add in another hot team. #5 TNA: NWA World Heavyweight Champion Current Champion: Jeff Jarrett This entire division is the epitome of stale. I no longer hate the Jarrett character like I once did, instead I consider it to be a very strong heel champion. His biggest issue now, is the fact that he has held the title so much in the last two years, I tend to forget there even is a title. The NWA championship has fallen to the level of little more than prop-with few feuds even designed around the title, but rather revolving around Jarrett himself. Why not take the title off him, and continue on those feuds? People often consider a face chasing the title to be a great storyline, but this can work just as well with heels (see Triple H) that “need” to have the belt, and become obsessive about obtaining it. It seems everybody on the roster could compete for this title too, another point of weakness. Things need to get straitened out here in a hurry, because this division is falling fast. #4 WWE Smackdown: United States Championship Current Champion: Booker T Kudos to the writers in charge of this division. The addition of Chris Benoit obviously did wonders for it, but when Booker got hurt, the writers managed to use Randy Orton in a vary passable way and keep the title on the best character going for it right now, Booker T. His injury hurts it just a bit, because one has to figure that the title will not be defended for quite some time, but in Booker and Benoit (who could easily elevate to feud with Angle) there are two very credible competitors. Problem is, I’m not sure there’s much beyond that, as the roster looks a bit thin. I’d like to think Orton is above this title now, so likely it will be time to turn to the young blood, so look for Lashley or Kennedy to end up with the title very soon. #3 WWE Smackdown: World Heavyweight Championship Current Holder: Kurt Angle Damn what swerve! Just when you want to hate WWE for being predictable (and we all do) they give us something like this. (Keep in mind Raw has not aired yet). What if, just imagine, Angle must go through with his match with Shawn on Raw, and it’s made for the title? What if Shawn wins, much to the dismay of McMahon? Then Angle and HBK are feuding for the Smackdown World Title, on Raw? That’s compelling television, which would keep people tuning in, to both shows, for a few weeks to see how it all plays out. Of course, we had a similar storyline during the draft, but quiet you who nay-say. The unfortunate injuries of Batista, coupled with the tragic loss of Eddie Guerrero have delivered a punch to the Smackdown main event scene that would justify these sorts of moves. Randy Orton needs to establish himself as a creditable main eventer, pronto. The Undertaker is looming, and that could provide a short-term boost, and Chris Benoit will almost certainly be elevated back to where he should be. This is an exciting time around that strap. #2 TNA: X-Division Championship Current Champion: Samoa Joe I may catch hell for this one as well, so maybe I’m just repaying the debt for putting SD’s tag titles over TNA’s. But the fact remains that this is possibly the most hotly contested title in North America. Samoa Joe successfully turned it from more than just a cruiserweight title, and instead made it into TNA’s midcard championship. (Or main event, you decide). Joe’s following is growing, and TNA needs to make every effort to keep that going. Add in AJ Styles, Chris Daniels, Petey Williams, Chris Sabin and any number of other potential contenders, and this title is arguably the most entertaining in wrestling. I’m not sure where Shannon Moore fits in though…. #1 WWE Raw: WWE Heavyweight Championship Current Champion: Edge This to me is still, as it has been since 2003, the most prestigious title in wrestling. By that, I mean the Heavyweight title on Raw, not necessarily the WWE championship. Edge shocked the world at New Years Revolution, going under everybody’s radar to walk out with the strap, the perfect end to the “Money in the Bank” stipulation. While he may not be the best man to hold the title, he deserves a shot to see what he can do and his character is hot enough to warrant such a move. John Cena is in a state of flux and we’re all holding our breaths to see where his character goes from here. To me, it’s still too early to abandon him, and I’m nowhere near the Cena Hater bandwagon. If they continue using his character as they did last week, and quit booking him like a stinky pussy, the crowd will quit booing him like one. Triple H is still, like him or not, the most creditable wrestler in the business, and I can’t help but think this whole thing is heading toward Cena v HHH at Wrestlemania (though I kinda hope not). Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels could certainly be in the mix as well, though I still have to wonder what will become of the World Title. Kane and The Big Show are always on the fringe of competing for this title as well. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch To the WWE creative team. Mark Henry, while I’m sure he is a fine upstanding man in the real world, has no business on my TV. None. I will grant you that he is incredibly over as a heel, but it is truly that sort of “bad heat”-and yes there is such a thing. If you shove him down my throat, anywhere near the title, I promise you that I WILL NOT stop watching Smackdown. Such a threat would be trivial to you, as you care not. Rather, I will continue to watch the Friday night spectacular and follow the example set by your own Tim White and attempt to kill myself every time I grow tired of his shaking, his stank, his one move, or his spandex. Save a life men-stop before it’s too late. Cannon Fodder Matt Morgan. Was recently arrested for “impersonating a police officer” as initial reports are suggesting. I give this story about ten minutes (likely right after I post this column) until it turns out his impersonation is part of a new stuttering male stripper gimmick he was portraying during a Independent show at a elementary school gymnasium. Cheap Pop I would like to genuinely thank RIPBossman for sending me the ONLY piece of feedback I received following my last column. I had be averaging somewhere in the neighborhood 25 emails or so, along with a substantial amount of posts in the forums. Sadly, it has become apparent that nobody likes me, except for Rip. Please show him some love and read his latest effort, High Risk, available now in the Lop Columns Forum. Random Acts of Wrestling As I said in the opening, there will be no Random Acts this week, as I feel this column is growing too long as it is, in addition the general disinterest of readers in recent editions. If feedback is sufficient and I get a decent amount of submissions, I will gladly bring it back next edition. If you care to participate and would like to see it brought back, please send your list of the Ten hottest stories in wrestling (ranked in order please) to Randomguy_316@hotmail.com . The End. I’ve always wanted to end a column like that, but I figure it would be rude. You’ve spent a few minutes reading my column, the least I can do is say goodbye. [cue actual ending] Well that about wraps it up here for issue #71 of the Bleeder. Hope you all enjoyed my first ever Quarterly Title Report. If that is an idea I should carry on with, please feel free to email me and tell me so. Likewise, if it needs to go the way of the Dodo and become extinct for all millennia, tell me that as well. Be sure to click the banner below and visit The Project and listen to The Chipmunks Massacre Vol I on the main page. Hell, join the forums while you’re at it and make some new friends from all around the world. Also, be sure to send in your votes for the Random Acts Top 10 list if you want that brought back next week, otherwise it may go kaput as well. I’m off to go play a little Madden 2k6 and continue enjoying my day off. For all of us here at the Nosebleed Section this is Randomguy#5 saying thanks for visiting but next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!  Visit www.theprojectlives.com and check out the latest columns, artwork, and other works of creative brilliance. The Forums need people, The Radio station needs listeners, and you need another site to bookmark and add to your daily net surfing. Trust me, it’s worth it. *NEW GALLERY* Must SEE VERY HOT Pix of G4 TV's Olivia Munn! WHOA!!
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