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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, January 8, 2006 at 9:06 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – New Year’s Repetition Greetings! Welcome back to another edition of Ridin' With The Bossman, making fun of Mark Henry since ’02. That’s right folks, most folks forgot he even existed. Not this Internet columnist. Mark Henry is a genius people. Or at least his agent is. Ten years, guaranteed paid. Only Hogan and Rock can top that. For the record, Big Show did sign a ten year deal, but after a year or two, was guilted into changing the deal for a) less money, b) a shorter term. But enough about Mark for right now. There’s another matter to handle first. My pick for Match Of the Year. I chose John Cena vs Chris Jericho. I’ve gotten lots of comments that HBK vs Angle should have won that honor. Allow me to explain my pick. First, in HBK vs Angle, you have two of the best wrestlers having a great match. In a match up like that, you expect the wrestling to be stellar. In Cena vs Jericho, you have one guy who is underrated and one guy who folks think doesn’t wrestle well. So, the best you could hope for in a match like that is good, not great, wrestling. I thought that Cena and Jericho exceeded expectations. That gave them the edge. It was a match that sucked fans in. The wrestling was very, very good. The emotional x-factor was off the charts. That’s why I chose that match for Match of the Year. It did more than just deliver good wrestling. All clear? Good. Let’s move on, as we got a lot to cover. WWE TV – The Series Raw Recap courtesy of Carl Walsh So, there was no recap show for Raw this year. Interesting. I wonder if USA didn’t want one. You know, since ratings for a recap show are traditionally low. Or maybe WWE couldn’t get clearance to show material from Spike TV. Either way, it means that Raw has not had a break in story. Is that a good thing? Let’s see. Vince Vince starts off the show, saying that he’s been accused of booking the show to amuse himself. It’s true. So now, it’s No More Mr. Nice Guy! There was a Nice Guy Vince? When? Now, it’ all about Vince. Like it has been for the past two months. Remember JR? Yeah. Tonight, there will be a first blood match of Angle vs Cena. Because Vince loves violence. And big sweaty guys. And creepiness. And lots and lots of creepiness. Vince may love violence, but he loves creepy even more! HBK vs Kane HBK can’t use the Superkick. Solid match. Kane is one talented guy and worked well with HBK. Vince stayed at ringside, so that he could help shape the finish. Which was Vince yelling at HBK, and distracting HBK so that Kane go sit up, get up, and hit the chokeslam for the win. WE then learn that HBK will be the first man in the Chamber. Hurricane vs King Oh great, another announcer feud. I guess it’s time for King to get his two times a year match, as stated in his contract. Poor Hurricane. You’re going to job to an announcer. King does raise a valid point. As Hurricane, he was interesting. As Gregory Helms, he’s dull. He got about the same amount of TV time as each guy. King runs off Hurricane to end the segment. Oh, and this match will take place on the PPV. Yes, on the PPV. Which means that roughly one-fifth the audience will see it. Which is a good thing. Angle and Vince, Best Buds Vince is talking about Mickie kissing Trish. Angle and Davairi run in. Vince yells at them. We learn that the General Manager skits will continue as soon as they figure out what the hell they’re doing with them. Vince loves the troops, but hates good press, which is why Angle is now anti-military, Vince has no grasp of politics. SO naturally, he’s going to pull a political angle. Any way, Angle will make Cena bleed. Trish, One Hot Chick Todd is interviewing Trish, who is running up and down some stairs. Looking great. And fit. Yes, fit. That’s a good word. Trish doesn’t know what’s up with Mickie. Bt she’s going to take a shower. YES! Maria, Vicki, Candace, and Torrie. Kiss cam? You really want a kiss cam at a wrestling show? Just wait till you go to two people who don’t know each other, and the guy flips off the camera. Or worse yet, two guys who are willing to make out for a joke. Like I said, Vince loves creepy. Anyhoo, the Bad Chicks confront Maria and start beating on her. Vicki vs Maria Vicki beats the crap out of Maria, with plenty of interference from outside. Maria then gets a fluke win on Vicki, and the chicks start beating on her again, but then Ashley runs in for the save. But it doesn’t go as planned as Ashley then gets beat down as well. During the break We learn that the chicks will all be part of a Bra and Panties Gauntlet Match. What is that? I have no idea, but it sounds good. Edge Skit Edge shows a homemade video (not that kind) of Ric’s Road Rage Incident. Absolutely Hilarious. Great stuff Edge. And I’ll be dammed if Brian Gerwitz had a hand in that. Because it was good and stuff that just about any real fan would do. Edge dressed up as Ric, in his car, driving along going “I’m the Nature Boy! WHOO!”. And then all the Ric mannerisms. Man, that was great. Truly awesome. Back in the arena, Ric comes out and beats up Lita. Yes, Ric beats up a chick. His lawyers must love him. But, we get a Title match out of it. Remember the IC Title? It still exists. And it’s finally going to be defended. Stacy Kiebler Bit She’s on a TV show. Good for her. I mean that. Also, Leyla Milanni was on Las Vegas in a bit role. Just thought I’d throw that in there. But it is a good thing for Stacy that she’s on TV, and not on a wrestling show. This could be her big break. Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Masters So, the heat has worn off Masters and Benjamin is saddled with a gimmick that will tank him. Some great wrestling from Shelton. But Masters wins. Shelton’s Mama So, can anyone explain to me how this is supposed to help Shelton? So, his mom is fat and abusive. Reading the newsblurbs, the actress playing Shelton’s Mom is a comedian. But the skit wasn’t funny. Seriously, how is this angle supposed to be a good thing? Shelton stands up to his Mama in the end? And that does what exactly? Show he has courage? The guy can wrestle. Very well. We can see his courage in the ring. WE can see his heart in the ring. Yet outside the ring, he’s a victim of abuse. His real story is so much more inspirational. His Mama, his real one, was his support. It’s a good story, and all the better because it’s true. Yet, this warped version only drags the whole thing down. Look WWE writers, work through your personal demons on your own time. Go get professional help. And keep it off TV. H H gets to experience the joys of live TV. He also talks. He also exposes the business, saying that the endings are predetermined. He says he took out Big Show. But Big Show comes back with a giant cast. He punches a bunch of stuff to show how that magically protected hand is now a wrecking ball. Like Cowboy Bob Orton’s cast. So, we’re going to get a Sledgehammer Match type of deal for the PPV. Cena Speaks Cena says the Truth is Back. Ron Killings? No, the Truth is that Cena is back, standing tall, and what he wants, is a lot of balls. Cena loves the meat, there is no doubt, so come on boys, whip it out. He’ll take what your givin’, and with a smile. Cena’s backside can hold a mile! So come to the ring, one and all. Cause if Cena loves one thing, it’s big sweaty balls! - And they wonder what the problem with Cena is. Angle then comes out and we go to commercial, thus not letting the fans at home know what Angle said to get him heat. Cena vs Angle First Blood Match, NON-TITLE Well it was brutal. Lots of aggression. Some nice reversals. And Angle busted Cena open, winning the match, but Cena managed to lock on the STFU and had Angle tapping. Everyone then ran in and hit finishers. But the biggest surprise was Cena hitting the FU on HBK and the crowd booing the crap out of him for it. We then went off the air. Smackdown Recap Courtesy of Chad Matthews We start things off with a recap of the past few weeks, namely how Melina is suing Batista for sexual harassment. Bradshaw vs Matt Hardy JBL started off with a great promo pissing on those damn Internet fans. Seriously, great stuff and this Hardy vs JBL feud is solid. Well, it could be. If in the end, it’s Matt Hardy just beating the crap out of JBL. A leg drop from the top of the limo off the side of the stage onto JBL? Good ending. There’s only one thing tanking this feud. Chick with Thing On Face Honestly, Jillian looked damn hot. Damn hot. Then you got to see the ting on her face. It’s been what, three months? The joke lasted exactly .5 seconds when she first showed up, but now, three months later, the joke is beyond over. And it’s still going on. It’s this kind of crap that that kills wrestling. And it’s not hard to fix. But it just….isn’t. How bout some wrestling? HBL beats the crap out of Matt Hardy. Good match, short and brutal, which is a solid opening for a long running feud. Then Boogeyman shows up. Good entrance, bad exit, as we get worms. On Jillian. Mark Henry vs Jobbers Yep, Mark showed his strength and I kept thinking this was a good way to get some one over as a monster. And it was. You know what? There was an honest to God Mark Henry chant at the end of his match. Then Melina started talking and no one, and I mean NO ONE, gives a fuck about this angle. It’s death, pure and simple. You actually had Mark Henry over for a few minutes, and then it was gone. Randy Orton and Booker T, Best Buds Nice skit. Well done. So, where’s Undertaker? On vacation? So, Undertaker spent all that time making Randy his bitch, beat him, and then takes off? Bah. I will say this. Randy and Booker work well together. Undertaker not on TV is a good thing. - One justification folks sent me when I went on my Undertaker bashing rant was that a reason for Undertaker spending so much time at home was probably due to the fact that he wanted to spend time with his family. So? There are plenty of wrestlers who would love to spend time with their family. It’s gotten to the point that for some wrestlers to spend ANY time with their family, they have to bring them on the road with them. Like Benoit was bringing his son with him. Right about the time that WWE decided that Heidenreich was going to be aimed at kids. So, yeah, Undertaker can take months off, but no one else can get a week? And how many wrestlers have weeks of entire shows built just for them, and then be allowed to vanish for weeks at a time. Only two that I can think of. Vince and H. And while H may only wrestle on PPV’s he’s at least on TV week after week. For better or worse, he’s there. Mister Kennedy Will be doing some announcing. Hey, good thing you had the table broken with the first match, so that for the rest of the show, you get to see the announcers sitting in front of a pile of rubble, looking like idiots, and now, you have guests coming out to sit in a chair as well. Sit in a chair, not at a desk. Kid Kash vs Juvi Solid match, which had plenty of action. It’s too bad that Juvi got canned. Yes, the Juice is really loose and probably on the run with the Cruiserweight belt. You can’t stop the Juice! So long Juvi, you did fine on camera while in WWE. Kash won the match and Kennedy did a great job of commentating. Kristal, Booker, and Sharmell Kristal is interviewing Booker and Sharmell. Orlando then interrupts and says that Booker should have chosen him to be his representative. Booker laughs at him. That’s great. Booker then said he has to earn it. Very well done and the angle just got a lot more depth to it. Which I think is great. We now have multiple angles to be played out, and I like all of them. Orton vs Orlando, Benoit vs Orton, Booker vs Orlando, Booker vs Orton. Oh yes, good stuff. Until WWE decides to add “drama” and kill everything. Benoit vs Orton Good match, and we now have Booker coming out to sit in a chair at the demolished desk. Solid match, with some great play calling from Booker. I wonder if that’s Dusty who’s scripting these wrestlers in the booth. If so, props to Dusty. It’s working, and he’s found his niche. Really great work from Benoit, who adapts his attacks. Orlando then runs in and costs Randy the match. Very nice. Batista Press Conference The good thing about taping Smackdown? You can fast forward. Like through this part. Batista speaks, and Mark Henry interrupts. Here’s all you need to know about this feud.  Reporter: Why did you do it Mark? Mark: I did it……..for the doughnuts! Fit Finlay? Fit Finlay is coming back to the ring? Fit Finlay? DO we really need another old guy? I had high hopes for some new guy, and it’s Fit Finlay. You know, this is the kind of thing I was talking about. Fit has been doing good work with the ladies. So, his reward? A return to the ring, and a push. That’s his bonus. And it’s only a bonus in the minds of management, as when they get to play in the ring, they are protected and allowed to run over everyone. So, instead of giving Fit a nice cash bonus, or a promotion, he gets to work his ass off in the ring, and suck more life from TV. As he’s just another old guy to the casual fans. Simon And The Wrestling Penises Simon came out and talked and had a challenge for two guys from the back. Paul London and Spanky ran out, and they have masks now. That can’t be good. It isn’t, as the Shane twins, now called Gymini (good name) came out and beat them up. Simon is their manager (which is good). Bobby Lashley Speaks! This is newsworthy. Bobby finally gets a chance to talk. He’s soft spoken. But that’s not a bad thing. The guy in the ring doesn’t quite match the guy out of the ring, but if he’s allowed to say he’s going to win, and then does win, or at least put on a show, he’ll be fine. Steel Cage Match Rey and Batista vs MNM It’s a steel cage. It’s a good match. Mark Henry runs in and lays out Batista. MNM wins. Well now, Smackdown had a lot of potential for some great angles. The only thing dragging it down was the attempts to force drama onto them. And that got me thinking. Time for a little OAW. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Old Drama WWE wants to create drama. WWE doesn’t just want any kind of drama. They want the weird and creepy kind of drama. They want soap opera type drama. You know, the kind you hear, or even may watch, and are left wondering “what the heck was that?” kind of drama. Soap operas have been around for decades. Much like wrestling. But Soap operas are a different beast than wrestling. While there are some similarities, the differences are greater. First, let’s take a look at the similarities. 1) Soap Operas keep going. Much like wrestling, the working schedule for soaps is seven days a week. Much of that is taped in one day. Back in the days of yore, the shows used to air live, but not any longer. Now it’s all taped. 2) Huge cast of character. Soaps have a rotating cast of characters. Some go, some stay, and some come and go. That’s about it as far as things in common go. Thought there’d be more, eh? Nope. So, I think we can skip over the differences, as I’m sure you can think up three without trying. Now, for those of you interested, here’s a link to the ratings of daytime soaps. Soap Ratings Take a look at those numbers. The highest rated show, during a holiday period, when the ratings should be up, due to people being home during the day, is a 4.2 For the Young and The Restless. What’s going on in the Young and The Restless? I have no idea. I was going to do a recap, got three sentences in, and lost all interest. In fact, I wandered out to my couch to watch some football. The Carolina Panthers will play the Bears. We beat them once, but it was close. Steve Smith is a stud. He got like 200 yards receiving during the first meeting. No touchdowns, but you can’t let that happen. Oh, yeah, column. Now, it has nothing to do with the impression of being gay and liking soaps. It’s not that. It’s that I find soaps mind numbing dull. There are plenty of hot chicks to look at, but the stories bore away my boner. I can’t even muster the energy to bust on them. That’s really saying something, if I can’t even be snarky about soaps. The soap world is doomed, and they know it. All they have going for them is tradition. Their biggest nemesis is daytime talk shows. Shows like Oprah. Shows like Judge Joe Brown. Courtroom and talk shows are eating away at the soap opera food chain. Reality programming, the bane of existence, has found another victim in soap operas. Drama is what WWE wants. Creepy is what WWE has delivered What I think is the main problem with WWE and drama is that WWE is delivering old, tired concepts of drama. For example: Sexual Harassment Of Melina WE got to see how it unfolded. It was Melina coming onto Batista. Now, Melina is accusing Dave of Sexual harassment. The premise is unbelievable at best. Now, the concept of the drama is a good one. But in today’s world, deciding who’s right and wrong is not so easy. For one thing, the proof was shown to millions of people. We saw it, the characters know it was on TV, and there’s just too much to suspend disbelief over. The other problem is that there’s a better story going on at the same time. Mark Henry. Odd to say that Mark Henry is the better part of this angle. But that just goes to show how sad it is. The sexual harassment part of the angle sucks so bad that Mark looks great. It’s drama no one is looking for or wants. Because what is it doing? Is it leading to match up of Melina vs Batista? No. The match is Mark Henry vs Batista. Then there is the tag team of MNM. They are getting left out in the cold. They should have been all happy that they won the belts, but instead, they have to be somber and sad. Because of Melina. WWE has forgotten what the hell they’re doing. Hell USA networks said it best. Characters welcome. WWE is character driven show. Not a show driven by drama. WWE has plenty of unique characters, but they’re getting buried under the goofiest, shittiest drama imaginable. They have been for a long time, but the point keeps getting forgotten when the writing staff sees a new movie or have some time to watch TV. Hell, even Boogey Man got over. Because he was something new. But then the worms entered the picture and that’s what WWE thinks make people react to Boogey. Not the fact that the guy is weird enough on his own. The character is the appeal behind Boogey. Another example is Kane. Kane has been through angle hell. But the guy is still over. Why? His character is rock solid. He’s lost his mask, been accused of necrophilia (and no, I will never let WWE forget that they thought that was a great idea), weddings, pregnancy angles, and other horrible angles. Kane gets cheered when he shows up, even though from everything that went before, he’s not supposed to. Because Kane, the character, and the guy playing Kane, Glen Jacobs, in particular, is awesome. Why is Batista over? Because he’s a big guy? No, because Batista is a great character. Why is John Cena getting booed? Because he’s a white rapper? Because Cena loves to rap about gay sex? No, because as a character, and in particular, the situation the character is in, is stale. WWE has forgotten what the character of Cena is about. Rebelling against authority. Overcoming the odds. Cena has fought against authority and won for over six months now. Cena has beaten the odds for even longer. He’s a rebel without a cause. The Champ is here, and he’s overstayed his welcome and won’t go home and let us get some sleep. We gotta work tomorrow. Why has Ric stayed popular for so long? Why do the fans still love Hogan? Because they are great characters. Icons. Because we know their catchphrases. We know their promos. Their in ring work can be forgotten, as long as Hogan says “Brother!” and Ric says “WHOOO!” It’s not just catchphrases and gimmicks. It’s the guys playing them that bring them to life. Benoit has no catchphrase or gimmick. HBK doesn’t have a catchphrase or a gimmick. But those guys have rabid fans. Because they can put on a show. Because we know their characters aren’t about gimmicks or catchphrases. They don’t need them. They have a charisma all their own. Characters, not drama, are the keystone of WWE. In conclusion, there’s one idea I’d like to throw out there and see if it floats. While doing some research (shocking, I know) for this segment, I took a look at the definition of dramas. My first result can be seen here: Wikipedia – Genre While going over that list, I kept thinking for some reason that Western seemed to define wrestling the best. So I thought about it, and yeah, I can see it. Think about it. I recently saw High Plains Drifter and The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly on cable. Thanks Encore. But the basis for those movies was a lone gunmen coming back for revenge in one, and the other was about three guys heading for a common goal. Character driven movies. Most Westerns are. A young punk trying to prove he’s the best gunslinger. A group of guys out to beat impossible odds. Stuff like that. In a usually lawless environment. Yeah, it seemed to fit. But that link was a good source of material for writer I thought, so I decided to work in and share it. So, that’s it for today. We got a PPV going on right now. I’m obviously not watching it. Nope, gonna save my money for the Royal Rumble. But let’s cover some news before we go, and one story in particular. STEPH IS PREGNANT! THE APOCLYPSE BEGINS! Steph pregnant, Mark Henry on TV, Phoenix has had no rain for almost 100 days, wildfires are ravaging the country, and the Superbowl is in Detroit. The Apocalypse truly has begun. Yep, WWE broke the story of the Steph being pregnant. So, if this is an early detection, that would put the time of conception right around Thanksgiving. I’ll also throw the zinger out there, that at no point does the article state that H is the dad, just that they’re expecting. Mark Henry is Sexual Chocolate after all. Shane is Expecting His Second Child So that’s where Shane went. Congrats Shane. Your boys can swim. Steph and H travel in a Bus? Yes, a 2 million dollar bus. Jeez! Big Show can’t get a limo, but Steph and H get a bus? Yeah, they low ball wrestlers on pay day, but blow cash like that. Brett Hart, Stay Away Vince is apparently desperate to work some kind of angle with Bret Hart, undoubtedly screwing Bret again in the end. Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to see Bret Hart in a WWE ring. Ever. It’s the crap surrounding the event that makes it suck. Because Vince can’t help himself. Byte This TNA Here’s the scoop. A TNA fan called into Byte This. Scrubby McDooger went off on the guy. So, the TNA fans now have a new form of entertainment. Prank calling Byte This. My reaction is this. It took them this long to try this? Paul Heyman has signed a short term deal No surprise there. WWE can’t let Paul go, but they can’t humble themselves to actually use him. So, he stays in limbo. Now, with Steph being pregnant, I’m sure that many expect her to take some time off, and the fevered brain leads to visions of Paul taking over. I can assure you, that will not happen. Steph will not leave until the doctors force her to be immobile. If ever. She will keep writing the shows, God Help Us, while hormones run amok through her body. And the results will be horrifying. For us. The people who actually watch the show. Well, that’s it for today. Quick Plugs and I’m outta here. QUICK PLUGS! LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum The PWA, best E-Fed on the net, period. DVD Fanatic, the Ultimate DVD Resource Home of The Project That’s all for today, Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin’ and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Must See LEAKED Photos of Velvet Sky! AMAZING!
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