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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Monday, December 19, 2005 at 4:54 PM EST
“Behind every great man…is a women rolling her eyes.” Welcome back everybody to the column that gave a tribute on number 69 and thus had to work in a sex joke on number 70, The Nosebleed Section I am your sex toy wielding wrestling host, Randomguy#5. I know it’s been a while since I last posted and I do apologize. Unlike my compatriot Morpheus I really have no valid excuse. Since my last column here, I’ve defended my You Be the Booker title for what seems like the 50th time, launched my own internet radio station via Project Radio, launched an exclusive message board to my websites, and moved into the main event of the PWA’s Pyromania. I may not be bleeding, but I’m defiantly workin. Do me a favor and poke around all that shit, and let me know what you think, eh? Feedback is the shizzle. --Is it just me, or does Bobby Lashley look a hell of a lot like Hootie without the blowfish? --Having Batista and Mysterio win the tag titles was a complete botch. Doing that took a tag team title match off the card for Armageddon, sapped the MNM v Mexicools feud of some heat, and put TWO titles on an injured wrestler in a thrown together tag team. I try not to bitch about things bookers/creative do, but this was a poor decision. --While I’m marking out for the Hell in a Cell match, I can’t help but think the Elimination Chamber is going to leave a little something to be desired. I hope that match has some major surprise or something equally shocking, because it is seriously lacking star power or a sound feud to back it up. --I still miss Chris Jericho. In my twenty-three years on this earth, I don’t believe I’ve ever come across such a strange and confusing piece of matter as professional wrestling’s championship titles. What they are, what they mean, their purpose, and hell even how much they weigh is a matter of debate for most everybody who fancies themselves and avid wrestling fan. Some time ago, former booker/writer for WWE, WCW, and TNA Vince Russo made the comment that wrestling titles are essentially little more than a prop, a piece of a stage show meant to simply add to a character. These comments set off a subsequent firestorm, which people are still crying about upon occasion today. Now this comment is to be expected from the man who booked David Arquette to the World Heavyweight Title, but nonetheless, one has to wonder exactly what is wrong with this sentiment. After all, titles are not a living entity, nor are they actually won like their counterparts in a boxing or mixed martial arts ring. They are given to actors at the whim of writers, to further a script and sell more merchandise. Right? Consider this with the sentiments expressed by Mick Foley in his first book, “Have a Nice Day”. Foley talked about the legit tears of overwhelming joy having won his first WWF title, and described the moment as the crown jewel of the business, the single moment that all wrestlers strive towards their entire career. At Wrestlemania XX, millions watched as Chris Benoit broke down and wept having been granted permission to add that piece of “prop” to his character. Simply put, to be booked to the heavyweight title is to be awarded the responsibility of carrying your particular company for a period of time. In the cases of Benoit, and to a lesser degree Foley, this responsibility is awarded as a sort of lifetime achievement award but more often than not it is a result of a wrestler being the most respected amongst his peers and having a character that the fans respond too. Of course, this responsibility is not always meant with success. Four years ago, Chris Jericho became the first ever Undisputed Champion, defeating both Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock in the same night, a rub that few performers would ever prove worthy of. Jericho was at his best during the time leading up to that championship, but many wrestling insiders, and fans for that matter, were extremely unhappy with Jericho as a title holder. Depending on who you asked, the pressure of performing at that place on the card every night was just more than he was prepared to handle. The same can be said for the late Eddie Guerrero who was said to be very unhappy during his title run last year, and many backstage were reporting that Eddie shouldered much of the blame for Smackdown’s poor quality and poor ratings during this time on himself. Now, in both these cases I would argue that neither man had much if anything to do with their ill-fated title runs, and the disappointing results were more a matter of a weak card around them and poor decisions on the part of creative pertaining to their characters at the time. Still, the weight of the title in those situations seemed almost on par with the figurative weight of the titles that render wrestlers unconscious when clocked with a belt. Yet somehow the conversation about titles somehow always turns back to credibility. On one hand, I chuckle when people say things like “Carlito and Masters don’t have the credibility to be main event contenders” yet on the other hand, I agree with them wholeheartedly . Credibility is itself a topic that could be debated endlessly, but the idea of an actor not having enough respect to use a certain prop is indeed puzzling. Forgive me if I seem like I’m flip-flopping like a democrat here but the truth is that this is an idea I go back and forth on, this question of what are titles exactly. As it pertains to credibility, the best answer I have is that people don’t lack authority to use a prop. Rather, the titles themselves represent a level of importance within the world of wrestling, and each performers likeliness to win a title is a barometer of their relevance to the company and their importance to wrestling fans. Of course the entire debate shifts as soon as one asks the question, “What is the purpose of titles?” As forum author (and project supporter J) BC once mentioned in a discussion of the TNA world title, “titles are meaningless”. His logic was sound, in that a heavyweight title is not necessarily representative of the companies top draw, and in some cases (particularly when dealing with TNA) is not deserving of a top billing on a card when the fans are more interested in a “lower” match. In essence, would wrestling be better if there were no titles? Writers would be forced to come up with creative feuds as opposed to simply having the fallback crutch of feuding over a strap. In addition, perhaps then wrestlers would be relieved of the pressure of having to carry them, and wrestlers who strive to illicit crowd response would be given due attention? A simpler way to put this: Do titles exist for the sake of getting wrestlers over with the crowd, or are wrestlers responsible for assuring the lineage and respect associated with the props they carry? Ultimately, it is my view that titles don’t have “credibility”, what they have is importance. At times, a particular title or title division (the people commonly competing for a title) may seem more important than at other points in time. However, if that US title for example lays idle on a lame duck champion for a few months (Orlando Jordan) that should in no way lessen the importance of that title when the accomplished Chris Benoit begins to carry it. Alternatively, if Triple H were to have a long run with the Intercontinental title, this would likely do little to lessen his character but would elevate the title to the point that mid card wrestlers would seem below even the midcard title. That, or as is the case in TNA, the midcard title would grow to the point of being more important than the Heavyweight title, something bookers should attempt to refrain from. The WWE, NWA, and World heavyweight titles are essentially a Grammy, an Emmy, and a MVP award all rolled into one. What’s more so, this Mecca of all things award-that which makes grown men weep- is a prop, that is used in a variety of methods during on air television. Coincidentally, it is this bizarre and somewhat complicated situation that is the best snapshot of wrestling in itself. Wrestling is a unique, dynamic form of entertainment that revolves itself around a compelling concept, a prop that men have died over. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch To Steve Austin, The Rock, and everybody else who is bitching about the use of Eddie‘s Low Rider in the Undertaker/Orton feud. First of all, it was weeks ago and I’m tired of still hearing people bitching about it. Secondly, with a lockeroom full of some of Eddie’s best friends in Chris Benoit and Rey Mysterio do you really think if there was any fear of offending the Guerrero family this would have been done? No, in fact, I’d be willing to bet that those backstage closest to Guerrero signed off on it as something Eddie would have approved, and more so the angle was probably seen as a way of “moving on” with the real world. RIP Eddie Guerrero, but for the love of God, don’t assume somebody with the backstage status of The Undertaker wouldn’t have nixed this plan if there was any doubts. Cannon Fodder Poor, poorMatt Cappotelli. What a rough run in this bussines you’ve had mi amigo. First, there was the whole Tough Enough experience, which would have been bad enough but then you get the shit kicked out of you on TV by Bob Holly. Then there’s the “sike” call-up to the big dance, then the broken leg, and now a brain tumor has potentially ended your career. This is a sad event, and with not much known at this time, one can only assume that this is a potentially life-threatening condition for Cappotelli. Good luck man, God willing you’ll come out of this unscathed and be on Smackdown getting beat on by Bob Holly this time next year. Cheap Pop Special thanks to RIPBossman for his support throughout the Nosebleed Section’s existence. He is the author of columns forum column “Hardtime” and his latest effort Double Standard is a look at the way media perceives WWE programming compared to other modes of entertainment. Thanks for reading Ripper, your patronage is much appreciated. Outta Left Field Random Acts of Wrestling Well…here we go again. Due to some inconsistencies in posting, the death of Eddie (which my last column was about) we are yet again long overdue and thus my “hottest stories in wrestling” list isn’t accurate. So, I’m going to reset the list here, give you what I think are the Top Ten stories in wrestling, and I once again beg you to email me with your top ten lists, or post them in the Lopforums feedback section. Alternatively, there is some talk of creating a section on my own website dedicated to this sort of gimmick, and you can have a look in the Project’s forums for a discussion about that titled “Wrestling Billboard”. The idea would see a site developed similar to that of Billboard Music, but rather than have lists and countdowns of music would have “Top 5 hottest wrestlers,” feuds, etc. Let me know in feedback if you think this would be a good idea or not. Anyway, onto this week’s list: 10) Eddie tributes I know the WWE is sort of done with this, as well I feel they should be for its time to move on. Still, a part of me smiles every time the crowd breaks out in “Eddie” chants. 9) Raw is War-litteraly Tomorrow night, Raw is emanating from Afganistan. I’ve always felt it was classy of WWE to do these types of events, and this is no exception. Glad to see the flagship show taking a turn this year. 8) Samoa Joe Some hail him as the most underated wrestler in the world, meanwhile others bitch about his being overated. Me? I’m some where in the middle, and enjoy his work throughouly. I don’t believe he has any bussiness near the X-D title, but that’s another issue entirely. His feud with AJ has been solid. 7) The Boogeyman is comin-TO GETCHA! Weird man. Fucking weird. But, if nothing else, I suppose its unique. Maybe creativity isn’t dead, because I never imagined a wrestler chewing on worms and “dancing” like that. Of course, I’ve seen the one move, pump handle finisher thing before…. 6) Kane & The Big Show together forever! Well, maybe not forever, but they’re entertaining me right now. If they’ve got nothing to do (until Show v HHH) and the tag division sucks, why not? My roommate keeps saying the remind him of The Natural Disasters, but my roommate is an idiot. 5) The Cena Scenario Rather you love to hate him, or just love him, there’s no denying that the firestorm of “What to do” with Cena and his mixed crowd reactions is becoming a hot topic for wrestling fans. For more of my thoughts on this awkward mess, check out a column I wrote a few weeks ago that got lost in the shuffle of Eddie‘s Death called Cena Means Dinner in Spanish 4) Christian Cage Man has he ever injected TNA with a much needed shot of charisma. It’s nice to see somebody who can work a mic a bit on Impact, and the only question remains now, how long will it be until they give him the World Title? 3) Orton v Taker Sure, it’s been a little goofy in spots, particularly for adults or the internet smarks. But there’s no denying in my eyes that this feud has done good things for Orton and for Smackdown, and the Hell in a Cell match tonight should be the shit. 2) MNM God, how hot was Melina doing her entrance on the announcer table a couple weeks ago? And her segment with Batista is hilarious. Meanwhile, the guys are decent in the ring, and are reminding more everyday of an old school Edge & Christian. 1) Raw’s vacant GM spot The person placed in the vacant spot, whenever that may be (assumingly they’ll wait until they get back from overseas) will go a long way toward telling us the WWE’s plans for Raw in the immediate future. I’m pulling for Stephanie. And we’re done. Over. Finite. No mas. I’ll be back the tail end of this week (probably Friday) with part two of my Strap On Series with my first quarterly title report and a new Random acts of wrestling. If you got a bit of time, click around some of the links below or drop me a line of feedback, remind me that I don’t dedicate 30 hours a week on the Internet to nobody in particular. I bid thee farewell loyal reader, next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5! BC, Crazy Brit, and Double Helix all on the main page, with Xanman coming later this week with a new issue of “The Compass Rose”. Also, check out the forums, where you can sign up and talk wrestling, politics, or creative writing.  The debut of The Cooler this Wednesday re-airs on Project Radio this Wednesday as we are recording the Christmas edition this week. 
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