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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, November 27, 2005 at 6:12 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Thanksgiving, Kane’s House Style Greetings! Welcome back to the column that is thankful to bring you the chance to entertain you, nearly every single week. Well, the best laid plans often go awry, and this week is no different. The Audio show will have to wait another week. Nothing like an eleven hour day after Thanksgiving to slow you down even more. All I’ll say is thank God I don’t work in retail. But, on the bright side, I do have a special holiday edition of Kane’s House. So, without further ado, let’s jump right in. Kane’s House* *For Parody Purposes Only. Down Lawyers! Down! The air is filled with expectation in the neighborhood. The smells of cooking waft freely on the breeze. A quiet bustle fills the afternoon, as Thanksgiving has arrived. Small groups of people head to and from their cars, arriving and departing. Families gather for their holiday feasts. One house, looking run down, with an overgrown yard, that at first glance would appear abandoned, is no exception. Yet there are signs of life, from the occasional scream, to the strolling pedestrian that makes their way up the front path and enter, carrying wrapped bundles. Two people emerge from the houses on either side, one carry in both hands a large pot, the other nothing, and meet on the front porch of the suspect looking house. Big Show: Hi Bossman! Ready for Thanksgiving? I sure am! Bossman: I guess so. If I had anywhere else to go, I would… Big Show: Aw, don’t say that BM! Don’t tell me you didn’t have fun last year? Bossman: Let’s see, a possessed turkey, a food fight, and a visit from the cops. Yep, just another Thanksgiving. Well, except for the possessed turkey part. Big Show: Well, this year is going to be different. Bossman: I didn’t say it wasn’t fun, it was just like all of my Thanksgivings, that’s all. Big Show:Right. So, what did you bring? I brought my famous garlic mashed potatoes, with a touch of chives! Bossman:Uh, (Quickly searches his pockets) I uh, I brought, um, I brought napkins. Well, A napkin. Think that will be enough? Big Show: Kane said he sent out a lot of invitations, so, my answer would be NO. Bossman: It’s a big napkin… Big Show: Just ring the doorbell will you. A camaro announces it’s arrival seconds before the car shows up, with Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded”. It pulls up to the front curb, and a large man gets out. He’s wearing a tank top, despite the chill November air. He walks up to the house, carrying a small bundle covered with a flower print cloth. He turns around halfway and activates his car alarm, with a loud series of beeps. He joins Bossman and Big Show on the front porch. Batista: Hey guys. What’s up? Big Show: Hey Batista! You joining us this year? Batista: Yeah. I didn’t get too many tips last Christmas, so my supervisor said I should mingle with my customers a bit more. Said I was too stand offish. Whatever. I just deliver the newspaper, in record time I might add, but I could use the money. Big Show: Well, if maybe you turned your stereo down, when you drove by, and didn’t break so many windows, then- Bossman: You brought something? What did you bring? Batista: Lemon squares. Bossman: Lemon squares? Batista: Yeah! Lemon squares! I made them myself! You got a problem with that?!? Bossman: Um, no, here, let me ring the doorbell for you. Bossman rings the doorbell. Batista looks over at Big Show and down at his pot. Batista: What you bring? Big Show: Mashed potatoes! With a touch of garlic and chives! Batista: You leave the skins on the potatoes? I think that gives them more flavor, personally. Big Show: Some I did, but most I left off. I find that leaving the skin on leaves the potatoes a bit gritty, and I prefer my taters to be smoother, if you know what I mean. Batista: Yeah. Me too. How bout you? Bossman: I brought um, yeah, I- Bossman is saved by the front door being thrown open and large, bald shirtless, man scowling and yelling: Kane: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?! Oh, hey guys! Come on in! You can put your things in the kitchen with the rest! Bossman, Big Show and Batista enter the house. Big Show and Batista head to the kitchen, while Bossman heads to the living room. Some other guests have already arrived, and greet him. Benoit: Bossman! Thank god! We were getting nervous that we were the only ones going to show up! Kurt: Yeah! You didn’t come alone did you?!? Bossman: No, I came with Batista and Big Show. In the living room, on the couch, Edge and Lita are making out, right next to a furious looking Matt Hardy. Kurt and Chris are on the other side of the room, in two chairs. Sitting in a chair next to the couch, sits a man in a cowboy hat. Bossman: OH SNAP! JBL: Relax Bossman, I’m off duty. Come on in, and take a seat, the game’s on! (JBL leans over and says to a small man in mask) Did I ever tell you about the time I played for the Dallas Cowboys? I think it was in ’94…I led the team to a Superbowl that year… Rey: I thought it was the Oakland Raiders? JBL: Well, I played for them first, but I was traded to the Cowboys in a blockbuster deal I put together, hold on a second, ORLANDO! GET ME A BEER! Now that year, on Thanksgiving, I was playing quarterback, as Troy Aikman had gotten hurt, it was fourth and one, when I saw a blitz coming, and no choice but to run it in… Kane returns back from the kitchen, with Big Show and Batista. He smiles and stands in the doorway, when the doorbell rings. Kane: More guests! I love guests! Benoit: Hey Show! You know who else is coming? Big Show: I know Kane asked a lot of people, but I have no idea who’s going to show up. Kane returns, leading two people, both carrying covered dishes. Kane: Hey everybody! Look who came to dinner! It’s my boss from the cemetery! Mr. Ace and his special friend, Johnny! One man is tall and blond the other slightly shortly, but blonde as well. Mr. Ace has a creepy air about him. Mr. Ace: Hello people! Hope your hungry! We brought a turkey! Johnny: And stuffing! I’m going to stuff the turkey! Mr. Ace says I’m good at stuffing things! Johnny starts pumping his fist in a piston motion. Johnny: Fist goes in! Fist goes out! Fist goes in! Fist goes out! Mr. Ace: Yes Johnny, yes it does…. Kane: Well, we decided this year on having Ham, but we have a lot of people coming, and you can never have too much food! I’ll show you where to put your things. Kane leads Mr. Ace and Johnny away, with Johnny still making his fist pumping gestures and muttering. Mr. Ace hesitates a second, and stares at everyone, and then follows Kane and Johnny. Benoit, Kurt, Show, and Bossman share a look, but before anyone can say anything, the doorbell rings again. Kane yells from the kitchen. Kane: LITA! GET THE DOOR! Lita removes her face from Edges, and yells back. Lita: GET IT YOURSELF YOU RETARD! I’M BUSY! Where were we? Kane: LITA, YOU SLUT! GET THE DOOR! I’M TALKING TO MY BOSS! Lita: SCREW YOU! I’M BUSY! Edge: Yeah baby! Talk dirty! Matt: Ah’m trying to watch the game here! Edge: I got a game for you! It’s called hide the sausage, and you can have a front row seat, loser boy! Wanna play baby? Lita: You know it! Let just slide over a bit, and- Matt: HEY! I’m sitting here! Kane: YOU FILTHLY SLUT! GET THE DOOR OR ELSE! Big Show: I’LL GET IT! Jeez, not even five minutes. Big Show head to the front door, and jerks it open and yells. Big Show: WHAT? The man at the door cowers back, while Big Show stops and puzzled look comes over his face. He looks back inside, and shakes his head. Big Show: Sorry about that, it’s just…Hey! Rob! You made it! RVD: Hey Show! Man, you freaked me out there for a second! What’s up dude! Big Show: Come on in! Did you bring anything? A Five Star Pizza or six maybe? RVD: No man, I brought some of my special home grown, I mean home MADE stuffing! Dude, you’re going to love it! Big Show: Awesome! Some other guy brought stuffing, but he looks kinda weird, and I’m not sure that I wanna have any part of it. RVD: You not eat something? Come on dude! Big Show: HAHA! Here man, I’ll put it in the kitchen for you. Head on to the living room. Kurt and Chris will be happy to see you. Bossman’s there too! RVD: Thanks man! Big Show walks into the kitchen, carrying the large bowl. He steps into the kitchen and sees a turkey laid out on the counter, and another bowl of stuffing next to it. Johnny grabs a handful of stuffing and then rams his hand into the turkey, and keeps the in and out motion going while Mr. Ace encourages him. Mr. Ace: That’s it Johnny, now go slower, yes, that’s it, slower, good, good, yes, and now faster… Big Show shudders, puts the bowl on the counter and leaves quickly. He heads back to the living room, and gives a big sigh. Kurt: What’s wrong show? Big Show: I’d stay away from the turkey if I were you… Later, at the dinner table… The group is gathered around the table, the food piled high. There are still some empty seats. Kurt, Chris, RVD, Big Show, and Bossman are at the end of the table, while JBL is sitting next to Rey, with Orlando by his side, and Batista on the other. A sulking Matt is sitting next to Edge and Lita, who look like they’re sharing a chair. Kane is at the head of the table, while Mr. Ace and Johnny sit next to him. A ham and a turkey (looking beaten) are in front of him. Kane has his head bowed and is saying grace. Kane: …and I give thanks for Hefty two-ply bags, my trusty shovel, soft ground, embalming fluid, and most of all, my friends! Amen! Group: AMEN! Kane: OK, who wants turkey and who wants turkey? Big Show, Chris, Kurt, Bossman, Rob: HAM! Kane: Wow, the ham sure is popular! Are you sure you don’t want some turkey? Big Show: No thanks! It looks…delicious, but I think we’ll stick with the ham! Kane: OK. I’ll just- - The doorbell sounds. Kane: Who could that be? Kane leaves the room, while Big Show, Bossman, Kurt, and Chris all look at each other. Chris: Kane’s brother isn’t coming is he? Lita: (removing her face from Edge’s) He’s on vacation in Vegas. There’s a UFC fight, so he won’t be coming. Edge: Hey sexy, wanna tongue fight? Lita laughs and goes back to making out with Edge. Kane comes back into the room, leading a man. One of them yells out before Kane can speak. Ric Flair: WHOOOO! The champ is here! Rey: John Cena? Ric: Shut your mouth boy! I’m talking about the greatest alive today! The man who I look up to and hope to one day be half, HALF! As good as he is! Triple H! Stand up! Show some respect! Ric lifts up a tape recorder and hits a button, and music plays as another, larger man, enters the room. He stops just inside, while Ric runs over to the light switch and starts flicking the lights on and off. And cheering. Triple H poses and spits a mouthful of water onto the ceiling. Batista: Hey man! Watch out for the food! RVD: That’s just gross man. Triple H goes over to the table and stands behind a chair. He stares down at it, and then suddenly lifts his head up and starts mouthing words, while pointing to himself and glaring at everyone around the table. Mr. Ace grabs his heart, and Johnny’s arm, a look of awe on his face. JBL keeps talking and Matt looks angrily back and forth between Edge and Lita, who don’t stop making out, and Triple H. Ric finally leaves the lights on, and runs over to pull out the chair for Triple H. Ric: Great entrance champ, great! You knocked ‘em dead! Goosebumps champ, GOOSEBUMPS! Triple sits down, and Ric sits next to him, saying more words of praise. Chris leans over and whispers to Ric. Chris: I thought you were employee of the week? Why are you calling him champ? Ric leans over and says out of the side of his mouth, covering with one hand: Ric: I think he forgot he named him employee of the week, and I’d like to keep it that way. Just play along. Way to pick up that napkin champ! WHOOO! No one can use silverware like you! NO ONE! Triple H: Thanks Ric. I’ve using silverware for years. I think today’s kids don’t appreciate their silverware like we do. If only they could use silverware like they did in the old days, the world would be a better place… Kane: Well, who’s ready to eat? Before we get started, I’d just like to say thanks to everyone for coming. It means a lot to me to have a room full of witnesses on special days like this…now, who wants turkey? Triple H leans over to Ric and whispers something. Ric then speaks. Ric: THE CHAMP…would like some turkey. AND! The Champ would like some mashed potatoes….AND the champ asks that you pass him the gravy. Don’t keep the champ waiting! Kane starts to carve the turkey, while Bossman, Big Show, Benoit, and Angle all let out a sigh of relief as the knife touches the turkey and nothing happens. Kane slices off a part of turkey and puts it on a large plate. Things seem normal, when there is another knock at the door. Kane looks up from his carving of the turkey. Kane: I wonder who that could be? I’ll be right back. Another round of whispering commences, as Kane returns shortly, with two men in trench coats. One is carrying a large radio. Kane: Hey folks, this is Antonio and Romeo. They say they have a special message for some one that they were told was here. Guys? Antonio: That’s right big guy! We have a special holiday message for some one in this room, and THERE…THEY…ARE! Hit it Romeo! Romeo plops down his boom box, pushes a button, and loud, pounding techno music plays forth. Antonio throws his coat off and climbs up on the table. Romeo quickly does the same. Wearing only bright red trunks and red headbands, the two start to dance on the table, as the guests cry out, as food flies. Big Show and friends quickly grab bowls and plates of food clear, as the two dance. They move around the table, and finally come to stand in front of Edge and Lita and start thrusting their pelvis’s at the two. JBL: What the hell? Lita, do you have any idea who sent these…these…freaks? Lita: (Pulling her lips from Edge’s) Huh? What are you talking about? Who are these guys? When did they show up? Romeo and Antonio start touching each other, as the group, with a few exceptions winces. Romeo: We’re not here for you, slut, we’re here for that sexy, sexy, hunk of man flesh, Edge! Edge, who had taken the opportunity during to catch his breath and take a drink, spits his drink out in a spray. Triple H leans over and starts muttering at Ric. Edge responds to Romeo. Edge: (sputtering) What the? Oh hell no! Romeo: Oh yes big boy! You just sit back and watch the show! Ric has come around the table, with Triple H right behind him. Ric: HEY! That’s gimmick infringement! Calm down champ, I’ll take care of this! You apologize to the champ, or so help me GOD! You’ll regret the day you were born! Ric has stopped yelling at Edge, who is sitting looking on horrified. Lita is also starting at what’s taking place. Triple H is watching the show, his face expressionless. Big Show, Benoit, Bossman, RVD, and Kurt are having a huddle. Big Show is in the middle. Big Show: OK, Bossman, you grab the ham, Kurt, you grab the potatoes, Chris, you’re in charge of saving the pie. Rob, you- Kurt: We can’t get the pie! It’s in the kitchen! It’s a suicide mission! Save the green beans instead! Big Show: LISTEN! No one likes green beans! Benoit: But we can’t save Thanksgiving dinner without pumpkin pie! I’m going for it! Big Show: Don’t be a hero! We need those beans! We’ll just have to do without pumpkin pie! Voice: I’ll get the pie! You guys save what you can, but I came for pumpkin pie and I’m damn well not leaving without it! The group parts slightly, and Rey is seen, his fist clenched in front of him, and a determined look can be seen even through the mask. Big Show: OK, Rey, you save the pie. Chris, get the green beans, Rob, you save your stuffing, and I’ll get the gravy and whatever else I can grab. Maybe some butter. OK, remember, keep calm. Don’t let them see what you’re up to, until it’s too late! OK, start moving now, and STAY CALM! We can do this! All right, hands in, and on three, let’s break! Everyone puts their hand in, and counts to three. The group breaks up and starts trying to stealthily move around the table. Kane is just sitting back in his chair, an enigmatic smile on his face. Antonio and Romeo are rubbing each other provocatively. Edge is in a trance, watching the horror unfold. Lita is squirming on his lap, and Ric is frozen in mid tirade, mouth open, finger pointing, and transfixed by the “show”. Mr. Ace and Johnny have pulled their chairs together and are cuddling. Matt is looking smug. Mat: You like the show Edge? Lita leans over and whispers into Edge’s ear. Edge snaps out of his trance. He looks at Lita. Edge: You what? Now? Oh, you sick little sex kitten! Edge starts making out with Lita furiously, and picks her up and puts her on the table. Matt scowls. Antonio: We’re losing them Romeo! Time to break out the secret weapons! Romeo: You got it hot stuff! Romeo hops down off the tag, still dancing and goes over to his bag. JBL throws down his napkins, and stands up. JBL: I’ve had just about enough of this! People are trying to eat here! ORALNDO! Take care of them! Orlando: You got it Boss! Orlando pushes his chair back and climbs up on the table. He tries to grab Antonio, but his hands slip off. Romeo returns with a large, club like object. The two start rubbing up against a panicking Orlando. Orlando: JBL! Help me! They’re too slippery! I can’t grab them! Antonio: Just relax and go with it! Orlando: AHHHH!! NOOOO!!!! JBL: …..You’re on your own, Orlando! JBL sits back down and pulls his cowboy hat over his eyes, as Orlando cries out again. Orlando: Leave my pants alone! NOT MY PANTS!!!NOOOO!!!! JBL: I’m uh, I’m ..going to go watch football…yeah, that’s a manly thing to do! The rest of the group has made it to their positions and are stealthily packing up the food. Bossman reaches for the ham, when Kane speaks. Kane: Hey Bossman. Sorry about not getting to the ham, but help yourself. It’s so nice to see everyone tighter for the holidays. Bossman: Uh, yeah. Nice. Kane: I hope you like the ham. We were going to stick with turkey, but this guy talked me into serving it this year. Bossman:Really? Kane: Yes. I was getting up to get dressed for work, when I opened my closet door and this guy was standing there, holding it. He said something, but I didn’t really understand him, but I thought he was one of the people Lita invited, and I thought he wanted it to be served for Thanksgiving. I’ve never really been a fan of ham, but I thought if that’s what he wanted… Bossman: Get dressed? You don’t wear a shirt, …… wait a minute, you got this ham from some guy who appeared in your closet? Kane: Yes. Bossman: You didn’t it find it strange that there was a guy in your closet? Holding a ham? Kane just looks at Bossman, who blushes, and picks up the ham. Bossman: Uh, yeah , right. Nothing too weird about that. Not in your house anyway. I mean, I really was just checking to make sure your hangers were up to code and NOT spying on Lita. Honest. Well, thanks for diner Kane, I’ll just be going now, into the kitchen that is. To carve up this delicious looking ham, right, into the kitchen. TO, uh, carve this ham… Just then the lights dim. The music fades, and a greenish light springs up, as a man rises up from behind Kane. His face is painted, and he has no teeth. Man: I think I did it again I made you believe we’re more than just friends Oh Baby It might seem like a crush But it doesn’t mean I’m not serious! Cause to lose all my senses That is just so typically me! Oh baby, baby OOPS! I did it again! I played with your heart, Got lost in the game! Oh Baby, baby OOOPS! You think I’m in love! That I’m sent from above! I’m NOT that innocent! Man: I’m the BOOGEY MAN! And I’m coming to get YOU! And get back my HAM! The BOOGEY HAM! Kane: Oh Hi! I thought you weren’t coming, but I’m glad that you made it! Have a seat, and let me introduce you to everyone. What did you say your name was? Boogey: I’m the BOOGEY MAN! Kane: Well Boogey, this is Bossman. Boogey: Nice to meet you. I’M GONNA GETCHA! Kane: And over here, we have- Bossman: CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! Benoit: What's code blue? No one said anything about code blue!! Big Show: Grab what you can and run for it! Kane has led Boogey over to Triple H and Ric. Triple H:I’m telling you Ric, those guys have a lot of potential! Look at the way he’s got that rear naked choke locked on! Ric: Uh, champ, I hate to correct you, but there’s a couple of things wrong with that hold, like being naked isn’t really necessary to perform the hold and then there’s the- Triple H: Are you correcting me? Ric: NO CHAMP! NEVER! You’re always right! It’s just that that’s not really the way to- Kane: Hunter! Ric! This is my new friend Boogey! Ric heaves a sigh of relief at the interruption. Meanwhile, Bossman and the rest of the group are trying to sneak out with the food. Boogey sees him and says: Boogey: You’re right, Bruno Samartino was highly over rated as a mechanic, in fact, HEY! I see you trying to make off with my Boogey Ham! I’m coming to get you! Bossman freezes in terror, as Boogey starts to sneak up on him, but Big Show jumps in front of him and reaches into a bowl he was carrying. He flings corn at Boogey, who hisses in pain, and retreats. Big Show: Get going! I don’t know how long I can hold him off! This isn’t a big bowl! Kurt, Benoit, Rob, and Bossman start to hurry out of the house. Big Show: Kane! Kane: Yes? Big Show: (Still throwing handfuls of corn at Boogey) Thanks for diner! See ya later! Gotta go! With that, Big Show throws a final handful of corn at Boogey, and the bowl as well, for good measure, and runs out the front door. Matt: Stop it you two! I’ve had enough! I thought these two pansies would cool you two down, not turn you on! That’s it! I’m out of here! I have a girlfriend now, just so you know! Man! I hate you two! Matt runs away, crying, while Lita and Edge get it on. Boogey crawls towards the front door. Boogey: DAMN! Corn! My only weakness! I’ll get you for taking my Boogey Ham! I’m the Boogey Man, and I’M COMING TO GET YOU! Kane sits down next to Mr. Ace and Johnny. Kane: Having a good time Mr. Ace? Mr. Ace: I sure am! This entertainment you provided is great! Gives me some ideas for later, eh Johnny? Johnny: I like peas! They’re my friends! Mr. Ace: That’s right Johnny. Kane gets up and moves over to Batista, who is sitting quietly at the far end of the table, head down, elbows on the table, guarding his food. Kane: How’s it going Dave? Dave doesn’t say anything, just moves his glass, before Lita’s foot can kick it over. He finally looks up at Kane, pops a bit of roll in his mouth and says. Dave: (shrugs) Eh. Suddenly, a woman screams. Well, a womanly scream is heard. Antonio: She kissed me! EEWWWW! Lita: Shut up you pansy! Just go with it! Antonio: As if! Dave: I could go for some more turkey. Kane: It’s so tender isn’t it? I think it’s way Johnny stuffed the turkey, all that pounding… Dave: Actually, I’m fine thanks. Kane gets up and moves back to his position, walking past an arguing Ric and Triple H, who is about to show Ric that the correct way to apply a rear naked choke, is indeed, pants free. Ric doesn’t look happy, but grimily takes off his shirt. Kane sits down and looks at the orgy happening on his dining room table and smiles. Kane: Yep. This is the best Thanksgiving ever! No demons! No bloodshed! No police! No angry mobs chasing me with torches and pitchforks! Just plenty of holiday spirit! Meanwhile, outside Benoit, Angle, Big Show, Bossman, and Rob trudge down the sidewalk, each carrying a dish or two. Benoit: I wonder if Rey made it out OK? Angle: I told you going for the pumpkin pie was a suicide mission! Man, this is the worst Thanksgiving ever! Benoit: Worse than last years? Angle: OK, SECOND worst! I knew I should have gone to JR’s house instead! Big Show: Think again! JR was having Vince over! The group shudders. Suddenly, a rustling from some nearby bushes causes the group to freeze. Big Show says quietly, his voice full of fear, Big Show: Boogey Man? A form comes flying from the bushes, and laughs maniacally. The group falls back in terror. Rey: I’m the Boogey Man! And I got Pumpkin Pie! And Whip Cream! HAHAHAHAHA! The group relaxes in relief. The party starts to move again. Kurt: So where did you get the whip cream from? Rey: I saw it in those two dudes bag so I grabbed in on my way out. Bossman: So where we going anyway? Big Show: Well, I thought it would be a good idea to get as far away as possible, so we’re going to a friend of mines. You know Val? Bossman: That chick that works at Booker T’s? Big Show: NO! Val Venis! It’s a guy? Yeah, that’s what I thought. He’s pretty forgettable. So, I figured, it should be safe to eat there. I just want to forget this night ever happened. Rob: Don’t worry dude! Have a couple helping of my stuffing, and man, that will make everything allll-right! The group laughs, as they head off into the night, bearing trays full of goodies, and delights. PLUGS! LOP FORUMS LOP Columns Forum LOP Merchandise! LOP's very own PWA. Best E-Fed on the net. Period. Ridin' With The Bossman Audio Show DVD Fanatic, for all your DVD reviews That's it for today! happy Holidays everyone! Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang CLick Here to send feedback *NEW GALLERY* Very Rare Photos from MR. KENNEDY'S WEDDING!
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