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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Sunday, November 13, 2005 at 12:08 AM EST
“It’s like an angry mob singing karaoke” Welcome everybody to the column that succeed in getting nobody to email Pt2 and bring back “You Be The Booker” The Nosebleed Section. I am your champion fantasy booking host, Randomguy#5. There seems to be a lot going on in the wrestling world these days which can easily be attributed to the time of year. Of course, as the weather gets colder that means Survivor Series is approaching, which has always been the sort of “unofficial” road to Wrestlemania. With so much going on, this column will jump around a bit but luckily I’ve always felt as if my format allows for a lot of “random” topics. Also, I want to touch on the state of John Cena’s character which has gotten quite a bit of attention of late. --How in the hell does Angle not hear the crowd chanting? Are the audio feeds tapped directly into his skull? I declare bullshit. --Yup, I’ve decided. I love Joey Styles. In fact, if I were gay. I’d fuck Joey Styles. IN FACT, I would recommend that all gay men reading this concentrate their efforts on sleeping with Joey Styles, in much the same way that I recommend all strait men sell their souls for Stacy Kiebler. Side note: In the past my Diva of choosing has been Torrie Wilson. As I’m still not convinced she was not fired, and I do not partake in unemployed women, I now recommend Stacy Kiebler for all things fantasy. --I am seriously starting to miss Smackdown. I love how UPN assumes all wrestling fans have no lives, with nothing better to do on a Friday night than sit around and watch wrestling. Where do these stereotypes come from? --Where did Foley get the pubic hair to put on Mr. Socko? --I hope TNA is saving their penny’s and dime’s, because Jericho and Christian could make for one hell of a one-two punch to combat the road to Wrestlemania. As some of you know, along with work, Lop, and leading an Internet revolution via my own site, I also take college courses. One of these classes my prestigious school requires for graduation is two years of foreign language. Thursday night I’m chilling out rockin some Espanol waiting on dinner to finish in the oven. Now, after reading a page or two, I quickly came to learn why my Columns Forum buddy (and PWA archrival) Zuma is no small man. Aside from being Mexican, Zuma as I understand (having never met him) is a rather large individual, and with due reason because the importance placed on food in this particular Spanish book was insane in the membrane. So picture me if you will (think Bubba Dudley with a goatee, or maybe a short haired Mick Foley) laying across my bed covered head to toe in 3x5 index cards with Spanish words all over them. I’m strung out (having been doing this for like 8 hours) Breakfast….(god I love breakfast)……desayuno…. Fruit juice…el jugo de fruita…..I think the guy that sits next to me in class is de fruita. La salchicha…….sausage…*heehehehe* Dinner….(I’m starving, I wonder if dinner is done)…cena. Cena? Cena means “dinner” in Spanish? I’ll have you know, that having zero faith in the American publishing system, I promptly went over to my computer and confirmed this fact, because as we all know, the Internet is never wrong. After consulting the omniscient force that is the Internet, I quickly concluded that yes, in fact, John Cena is quite literally Spanish. Now, this of course sent a tailspin of ideas into my head, most of which were based on Cena portraying the WWE’s Hispanic gimmicks. While the thought of him in a low-rider doesn’t seem that far fetched, picture for a second a much shorter Cena wearing a mask and you get a chuckle. For further entertainment, I dare implore you to imagine The Champ riding to the ring with his shiny title on a lawnmower to that hideous Mexicool Music. At this point in my evening I began to smell crappy frozen pizza, and much to my delight raced downstairs…. “My dinner is done” “Se hace me cena” …. John Cena is done? You know, it’s entirely possible. Judging from my readers feedback, and from the discussion going on in Lop forums, it’s a foregone conclusion. What a ruthless crowd! Now, I know John Cena always had a under-current of fans who couldn’t stand him, and to a degree I can see where these fans are coming from. But when I debuted my Top 10 list several months ago, John Cena was at or near the top for the better part of two months. Contrary to popular opinion, I really don’t rig those votes. People really did swoon over John Cena. I was at Raw in St. Louis the night he jumped from Smackdown, and I’m here to tell you: the crowd was only marginally “hot” but when his music hit, the place went ape-shit. And it wasn’t that “cheer because he’s the title holder” shit either. People wanted to see Cena. The girls marked out, the kids marked out, the guys were like “AW SHIT DOG!!!” and even the IWC smarks in the crowd were going, “Really?” What happened? Why is it that suddenly John Cena has become public enemy #1 amongst the IWC? This guy has gotten the kind of hatred lately usually reserved for Triple H and Jeff Jarrett, and the last I checked Cena has no part in owning either company, nor is he banging Stephanie, so you can throw that logic right out the window. You do have to admit though that the mental image of Cena nailing Stephanie screaming “The Champ is Here” is pretty damned funny. “Suck on deez billion dollar princess! *throws peanuts* Realistically, to me the whole thing has nothing to do with Cena. Granted, he has his problems in the ring and that seems to be the gripe that most people have with him. However, I think the major issue isn’t his “work rate” (can somebody please give me a viable definition of that piece of crap term?) but is rather with the manner in which Cena has been booked in recent months People have long since referred to him as an incarnation of Stone Cold with his sort of “screw everybody” attitude particularly after he began to blur the line on the moral allegiance meter by FU-ing Teddy Long. Is he heel? Face? No, he was somewhere in between, the proverbial “tweener”. While I am firmly of the belief that wrestling should go in a direction in which many more characters are tweener-esque, to call Cena an incarnation of Austin is a mistake. Why bother with being “the next Stone Cold” or “the next Rock” when he could be the first John Cena? The characters of Cena and Austin are only marginally the same, and Cena had really become the first wrestler in a long long time to get over with the fans as a true baby face. So why make the fatal mistake of putting him a blood feud with Eric Bischoff, who has got to be the stalest character on WWE TV right now? To further matters, that feud commenced with the turning of Chris Jericho heel, a move the WWE was obsessed with and one the fans simply did not want to see. As good as Jericho is as a heel, he had been face for barely a year when he turned on Cena, having been heel for several years before that. When you take a “over” face, and turn him heel in a move the crowd is unhappy with, (particularly the IWC, who loves Jericho to begin with) and team him with a stale authority figure you are begging for trouble. Add in the fact that Jericho is good as a whiny, self-righteous heel but not as a “yes man” heel, and you have a recipe for disaster for one-half the feud. By the time that Jericho had left, people had essentially turned on Cena, long before Angle wandered into “lackey” mode (a role he’s not good in either). Since his jump to Raw, Cena has essentially been stuck in a feud with Bishoff since his jump to Raw. Now, I’m sure at this point it sounds like I’m making excuses for Cena, and in reality, perhaps I am. But the fact remains that if I’d have asked you six months ago, “Who do you want to see feud with Eric Bischoff for four months?” you’d have answered with a resounding “NOBODY”. GM’s aren’t meant to be in feuds, they are meant to build them, and keep them rolling, while filling in some “sports entertainment” between matches. The magic of Random Face v Random Heel Authority figure#7 is gone, and has been since the year 2000. Why do you think Austin aligned with Vince? If the two of them couldn’t pull it off any longer, what in the hell makes somebody think it’s a good idea to keep rehashing that same damned story? This is the part where I start to think to myself that if Cena was really as good as some people claim he is, he would overcome this bad situation. How could he? Again, it isn’t his decision to be constantly made to look as the “face in peril” during a match. How many special referee matches has Cena been in since the jump? Welcome to the new age in wrestling folks, people no longer give a damn about watching the baby face crawl to his feet while being abused by a referee, a GM at ringside, and a heel made to look like God. It’s predictable, and more lame than the tattoo across the back of Lance Hoyt. It is precisely for this reason that you get fed his “three moves of doom” every week. Well how much more do we have time for? If you want to continuously book Cena in this way, there is no time for any ring psychology. Suppose you’re Cena…you’re going to hit your best moves on anything that moves and get the hell out of dodge. At some point those making the decisions have to understand that when you continuously set wrestlers up to fail, they do. I know I’m going to catch hell for this column. Yes, I’m a member of the prestigious IWC and I’m defending the guy that has come to embody all that you hate. You give me “three moves of doom” and I can give you three great crowd pops and no time or logic for a fourth move. You give me boring penis jokes, and I can give you my 12 year old little brother marking out every step of the way. Predictable? Such is the nature of the Eric Bishoff character, the Jericho “leaving the company in a month” situation, and the Kurt “I have no direction because I’m not allowed to be the top heel” Angle character. Come with it you Cena haters, tell me why I should drink your Kool-Aid. Tell me why I should hate a guy who has great mic skills, natural charisma, and the worst storyline this year. Take the chain off the Chain Gang and let him work a full match without ten other things for the cameras and announcers to focus on. Kick him in his ass and tell him to break back out the fisherman’s suplex, the Throwback, and that sick DDT he was using back on Smackdown. Perhaps then, Raw will with have the champion it needs, and people can quit spamming my inbox with anti-Cena legislation. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch Somebody jacked some stuff out my freaking car, and you know I’m freaking pissed, because usually I don’t fucking say freaking! They stole absolutely nothing of importance, just enough to freaking piss me off! I’d say more but…ugh…freaking car jacking kids. Further lowering my opinion of America’s youth. Cannon Fodder Christian is the latest in a bizarre six months for the personal department of the WWE. This is anybody’s guess, but I can’t help but think the WWE dropped the ball by not taking a chance and pushing him to the stars on Smackdown, and it simply pissed him off. So long Christian, the coalition will miss you. Cheap Pop Alright, well, this is awkward. For the second time in Nosebleed main page history, I have a non-columnist win the cheap plug. Which is cool. I love it when readers send in feedback, and I really love it when they (they being YOU) participate in my little gimmicks, such as the quote or the Top 10 voting. However, I seem to have miss-deleted the email from the guy who got the quote, so I feel like a jackass, and hit me up on MSN again, and I’ll gladly apologize. Then, we had another fine reader correctly get the quote, who asked that I plug his band, Whomraiders. Now, that’s the best I can do for ya, because if I were to actually link to your website, I’d get kicked off Lop faster than Jim Forseeze. See, the site is a bit graphic (maybe a little bit) and while I’m hardly conservative, those who give me this pulpit would not approve. I will however be updating my website with some of your music (and likely a link to the site) and I thank you Raiders of the Womb for your patronage. 10) The Smackdown Tag Scene/ SD v Raw-The Video Game It really says something about the state of tag wrestling when people are this excited over what Smackdown is doing right now. Meanwhile, tied in that spot is the video game release of Smackdown v Raw. God I love that game. 9) Eddie Guerrero Is he or isn’t he? Maybe it’s one of those “don’t ask don’t tell” things. Of course we’re talking about the whole “heel or not” business that seems to be going on. I give Eddie a lot of credit, he seems to have a knack for entertaining us, I was convinced he was going to fall back to Random Heel status after the Rey feud, but this has been decent (or so I’m told). 8) A Stone Cold Walk Out Again? You know, its only a matter of time until his shenanigans (old man word, 3pts) aggravates fans to a Rock-like situation, where he pops in one day and “oops” he’s a heel. 7) TNA The company may not have it all together yet, but they are definitely doing enough to get the IWC talking. Of course, the IWC talks more than a couple of school girls, so the real test is to get the casual fan talking, and even the mighty Dub-double-E can’t seem to do that these days. 6) Bret Hart’s slow building return The DVD, then Byte This, and Raw next week, right? You people will swoon over anything Hart. I’m gonna laugh my ass off when he finally gets booked for Raw, no-shows, and shows up on Impact the next week. Who screwed who, eh? 5) Flair v HHH Wow. Flair won. Just…wow. I did NOT see that coming. Delaying the H v Cena feud even longer I would suppose. That cage man did OWN though. 4) SD v Raw -The Storyline The banishing of Edge to Smackdown puts a twist to this, though I can’t help but think that’s just to move him from Raw, not further this storyline. Still curious to see where this goes. 3) Rhino Wow (again). You can tell which votes came early in the week. Should I just change this to “Jeff Jarrett’s Bitch?” 2) “OH MY GOD!“ -Joey Styles’ returns How can you not love this guy? Sure, he does say “Nicely done” entirely too fucking often but his presence brings a freshness and an energy to the Raw announce booth that just seems to make the whole show seem more alive. I hated how the three man booth worked on Raw with Styles, so it’s time Coach move on to a managerial role and leave Styles and King to the booth. King will step up his game (as he did at Taboo Tuesday) and the Raw announce team will be the best it’s been since Ross/Heyman four years ago. 1) Christian walking out The top story in the wrestling world from the last week is easily Christian’s turning down a renewal contract from the WWE. I’m not sure we know the whole story, and I don’t think we ever will, though I have to think that TNA figured prominently in the decision. Certainly, this was more about work load and place on the card than it was about money, though depending on who you ask, it won’t be too big of a financial hit. He‘s rumored to be at Genesis on Tuesday (just seems like a slap in the face to WWE) but this story doesn’t seem to have any malice to it (yet). Man how bad to the Blues suck? I’m all about some hockey, and happy as hell that it’s back, but my favorite team is really bringing the suck. No matter. My website is doing fairly well these days so give them a look if you’re into creative writing, philosophy, free thinking or bad audio shows. I’ll be back here in a week or two (probably sooner than later, I’m feeling it lately) but for now I bid thee goodbye for now. Thanks for visiting the Nosebleed Section. Next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5! You know you love you some Project. Click the sig and give daddy project a little sugar…  Still no new material, but major plans in the works for Radio. New music from Wombraiders and Kastdown, and whole new format coming soon.  *NEW GALLERY* Must See! McMahon FAMILY PHOTOS! Shane's Wife & More! Very Rare!
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