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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Monday, October 31, 2005 at 1:57 PM EST
“The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” Welcome back everybody to the favorite column of the USS Kearsarge, The Nosebleed Section! I am your Sea-man loving host, Randomguy#5, and I vow to never say that sentence again. It’s true I’m about as regular as a bad case of constipation, but you know you love me when I’m here. It’s not like I’m completely random as to when I write, and face it: You don’t give a damn, really. All you care about is that when you click on this, you are entertained, and if its not here to click on, bah, 98% of you never notice. I do so love the 2% of you who do, which is why I had to send a shoutout to Dixon Rivera of the aforementioned USS Kearsarge, whom I still need to send a rather lengthy reply to via email for his excellent and heartwarming feedback to my Racism column from a week or two back. Thanks for reading out there on the high seas fellas (or wherever you are). I appreciate what you do and the military men and women do, no matter what my own political beliefs may be. --Christian quit!!?? Holy crap! Can’t say as I blame him, really. He falls into that “underused mid carder” status in WWE, and he has to be looking at TNA right now, with Rhino the World Champion and Jeff Hardy near the main event and thinking to himself “90 days isn’t that long is it?” --Regrettably, I am ill-informed on all things Smackdown, as I’ve only managed to catch about 1 ½ episodes since its move to Friday nights. Sadly (well, not really, but you know) I have a life that often permits me to go out with friends, go out of town, or spend Friday night with my girlfriend, and when I’m by some chance sitting at home on a Friday night, I simply forget its on. However, my roommate and I still come home on Thursday nights hoping to watch it. I hate that programming switch if I haven’t mentioned it prior to just now. --Somebody please email Pt2 and tell him that you want to see the return of the “You Be The Booker” contest. I have a title to defend. --I do not know what to make of Jerry Jarrett’s meeting with WWE brass, but I can tell you this much: It’s not just peddling some Russian wrestler. Besides, the last thing the WWE needs is another oversized white guy who can’t talk. --Speaking of, here’s hoping Kane’s injury isn’t as serious as is being rumored. I am a fan of his, but more importantly, I hate to see anybody get seriously injured in any sort of environment. Life is about more than work, or sport for that matter, and I’m sure he has friends and family that prefer his back not be broken. Best of luck Glen Jacobs. And while I’m thinking about it, the same can be said for the extremely lucky Chase Stevens, of TNA’s tag-team “The Naturals”. Having suffered a broken neck and being told you’ll be back in action in three weeks has to be reason to stop and thank God. In the roughly ten months since Total Nonstop Action went mainstream and debuted on network cable, I had yet to order a Pay Per View. Back when they were PPV only, running weekly on Wednesday nights for ten bucks, I used to order them all the time. My roommate and I, who both worked at Wal-Mart at the time, would sneak out of work routinely early on Wednesday nights in order to get home in time to catch their Wednesday PPVs. Damn I loved those shows. Back when I had first started watching, Vince Russo had just been removed from power, only to be brought back soon their after. Sadly he came back as a face(ish) and quickly eliminated the dancing cage girls and cleaned up the language. (Bastard!) I immediately enjoyed the TNA product, though I was considerably harsher on it than most, who seemed to be swooning over anything not McMahon. I’ve always been hard on them. They remind me of that athlete that has all the potential in the world, but got spoiled because they knew they were good. They needed to continue to push themselves to become what they are truly capable of. I continued to feel this way about TNA until, well, right now. I never bought a PPV once they went monthly, because to me wrestling is much more about storytelling and storylines than it is about high wire acts and triple jump moonsault. If I wanted to go see a circus, I’d go see a circus, ya know? Given that during their tenure on FSN, TNA was deplorable at telling stories, plus the fact that I rarely caught the show and you see why I wasn’t too excited about ordering one. Yet, in the recent weeks, I’ve managed to catch a great deal of TNA on TV. They re-air Impact after UFC on Monday nights, when I’m usually still awake. Mondays work for me; Raw, UFC, Impact, it’s a good night all around. Then, one night last week, I’m chatting it up with Xan on IM, and he utters the words that made me order Bound For Glory. “This has the potential to be the greatest PPV of all time”. Fuck, are you kidding me? Granted there was some good stuff on the card, but that’s a bold statement. Now, Xan isn’t much the kind of guy to buy into TNA’s hype (every PPV is the greatest of all time to them) and his knowledge of wrestling’s past is something I greatly respect. Given that these sorts of sentiments were starting to become the norm around my circle of e-friends, and I finally concluded that I didn’t want to be left out in the cold when this sucker dropped. So, that same roommate and I ordered Bound For Glory with high expectations. Now, I’m not in the mood to write a full review here (I‘d rather talk about TNA in general than write reviews), but I fear this is where this column is going. So allow me to give a snapshot of the remaining matches on the card, with my quick thoughts for each one. When the night opened with Jushin “Thunder” Liger v Samoa Joe, I was amped. This was two guys whom I’d heard countless tails about, people singing their praises and basically giving them the verbal jack-off every time I asked about one of them. Having never seen them wrestle, I was optimistic. Now, I’ll talk more about this later, but I can honestly say I was a bit let down by that match, and it appeared to be greatly cut down by the need to open up room on the card for the gauntlet match later in the evening. I was highly disappointed. I can hardly remember much of this match to tell you the truth, and its been barely a week. Total filler in my opinion, the Diamonds gimmick sucks, and this match should have been cut with the time being given to the previous match. When did Hoyt go face? The Impact Zone has some confused fans, because while The Alpha male may be better as a heel, this is hardly the way it should be done. The crowd seemed to care very little about him, which is in stark contrast to the last time I really watched when he was more over than Jesus. Meanwhile, Hoyt has improved dramatically since TNA was on Fox Sports, though he still reminds me entirely too much of Test. Decent match, really. My love for the 3 Live Kru is pretty well-known at this point, and it truthfully hasn’t changed. As I’ve said, I’m much more into the storylines of professional wrestling, I mark out for the “male soap opera” side, especially if its characters whom I give a shit about. The unraveling of 3LK and the mystery surrounding the motives of Kip James is compelling to me, and Team Canada is the best stable in wrestling right now. Good stuff. Much like the opening match, I was greatly looking forward to this one, and much like the opening match, I was greatly disappointed. The “equipment malfunctions” that had the X falling from the cable where annoying as hell, not to mention the fact that the damned “prize” that signifies #1 contender shouldn’t be a cardboard “X”. TNA is quickly bastardizing this match concept, and they need to reserve it for title matches. Given the way it is often billed, I was expecting a few more crazy-death high spots, but the match was pretty good if a bit disappointing, up until the end. I will say that Petey Williams did one hell of a job improving the finish though. Very good tag-team match with some good ring psychology, and good storytelling. Not much else to say here, other than it’s a shame to hear about Chase Stevens breaking his neck during Impact tapings. The feud with team 3-D is already getting a bit drug out, but its one that I’m enjoying. Like the Ultimate X and the opening match, this seemed a bit cut to me, but it wasn’t a bad match by any means, in fact I greatly enjoyed it. I would have preferred had Raven been involved, or really anything to advance storyline, but it had some great spots (can I get a holla for Jeff Hardy?) and it was enjoyable overall. I think this falls somewhere into the top 5 for Match of the Year consideration. Easily the best match of the night, and the 1-0 finish was unexpected. Personally, I’d have rather seen Daniels cheat to win, then see AJ win the gauntlet. Of course that was back when I thought there was no way in hell the winner of the gauntlet would actually beat Jarrett. Great match. Thrown together and it showed, but I give them bonus points for a surprise winner in Rhino. Watchable. I hate to see anybody injured or hospitalized, etc. But there is a part of me that’s glad I didn’t have to watch Kevin Nash. I thought this match was pretty sweet, though the interference got to be a little much. Overbooked finishes for the Heavyweight title is sort of becoming a staple for TNA, and they need to be careful with that. Surprise endings are always a plus, and Rhino winning definitely qualifies as that. Alright, so that wasn’t as short as I expected, and in actuality it probably just comes off as a shit review. One of my favorite things about writing is that each piece takes on a life of its own, and while some can be predictable, others just sort of “go” and become whatever they want. Basically, the shorter version of what I’ve attempted to do here today is to achieve a few objectives. The first of which was to continue talking TNA as I don’t feel like they get enough pub around the main pages of the Internet. The problem with that agenda is that, quite simply, I think they get what they deserve. That sounds brutal, but here me out. Counting this one, two of my last three columns have been about TNA, the other being a piece on racism. Now, I fully intend to continue writing about TNA to a degree, but having taken this opportunity to think back over the Bound For Glory PPV and reassess my “history” as a fan of this company, I can’t help but think that they still have some work to do. When writing about WWE, as I have for many a column, there is a plethora of topics to discuss. While I typically prefer to larger issues of wrestling (themes if you will) the WWE affords me countless opportunities to discuss a particular angle, a character, backstage goings on, etc. Now, part of the “experiment” of my last few columns was to see if giving TNA their due time yielded results. Sadly, having written two pieces in a month and half about the company, I feel as if I’ve said all I have to say. They simply do not have the character development that the WWE does (albeit even that is a bit lacking), their storylines seem far too accelerated, or else they drag with no middle ground to be found. Do I enjoy TNA’s product? Very much, as I’ve said, I’ve caught more of it than I have WWE in recent weeks. But for me to sit here and try and tell an audience of wrestling fans that it is the best thing in professional wrestling, is quite simply blasphemy to me. In fact, I struggle to call it “competition” for the WWE. Now, with the departure of Christian (news that broke as I type this column) I can’t help but think that maybe TNA’s luck is starting to change, as more upper level wrestling talents consider them a viable option (I’m assuming Christian’s thought process here, a mistake I should not make.) WWE. Finances and business ethics aside, their product lacks the refining that it could benefit from. I hold out hope that as they experience more success, added shows and added time to their shows (such as the two hour primetime special this Thursday) will only accelerate the evolution of TNA. TNA is gearing up to make a run at wrestling’s long lost fan base, a fan base that seems to have wandered away from the WWE. They are an entertaining company as they currently sit, but much like my assessments of them 15 months ago when I first started watching, I cannot help but feel as if they have potential they have not yet tapped, potential that they will need as they prepare to wage war against the WWE. A war they are greatly unprepared for. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch My girlfriend and I took in a high school football game this last Friday night, two of the best teams in the state were squaring off in her hometown and being the fan of prep sports that I am, I thought I‘d give it a shot. Now, I somehow seem to have forgotten just what teenagers “unleashed“ can be like. These little pricks are sitting at the game, spending approximately 128% of the time throwing shit. Nobody could have told you what the score was, which is fine, except for the little old ladies trying to watch their grandson Johnny play getting pelted in the head with cups of soda. The girls are dressed like they were applying for a job on late night Cinemax, not to mention the fact that it was 20 degrees outside. All of this was fine, were it not for the kid who sustained a serious neck injury and had to be placed on a stretcher (not moving mind you) amidst a chant of “start the game”. I could have killed somebody, were it not for the fact that I’d have lost my teaching certification. Jackass kids like that are the reason I went into teaching, so if you’re reading this, and you’re a jackass kid, punch yourself in the mouth for Mr. Randomguy. Cannon Fodder Jushin “Thunder“ Liger had been described to me as “the best wrestler not in North America”. I must say that while I found his match enjoyable, I do think it was a bit of a disappointment. Samoa Joe hasn’t done too much to truly impress me at this point either, though I can certainly see why people enjoy his work. He seems to remind me a great deal of Chris Benoit, in that he will be awesome when placed with an awesome opponent, good when with a good opponent, but never looks bad. Still, Thunder Liger was good, but hardly reinventing the wheel, in fact I’d dare say “generic” X-Division style. Not to mention that he looked like a Power Ranger. Cheap Pop Two plugs for the price of one this week since I didn’t do an awards section the last time out. Send me an email with the author responsible for the quote at the top of the column and you could get yourself plugged here. In his latest issue of Enter the Dream Realm Morpheus seems to have a bit of a hard on for Ric Flair. Give it a read if you dig old men as much as he does. Big Brother is a busy man in the columns forum andhis latest column is a hodge-podge offering of a variety of topics. I apologize, Brother, if I am over looking another more recent offering of your normal column, “I Gotta tell you Something”. Either way, give him a read and thank him for reading my column. Random Acts of Wrestling I’m going to bring this section back and we’ll see how it goes. For this to work: 1) I have to keep writing more than once every three weeks 2) You have to send me in your top ten lists. Please participate by sending in your list of the hottest topics in wrestling right now. You can find links to my email at the top and bottom of the page. I also accept the feedback thread in the Lop forums. 10) The Suck that is Cena vs. Bischoff This “feud” is single handedly killing the Cena character, which I believe is the single most squandered opportunity in recent WWE history. Every time I see these two together, I think about the Adam Sandler song from the movie “The Wedding Singer”. “SOMEBODY KILL ME PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!” 9) Jerry Jarrett What is going on with him going to WWE headquarters. I could guess, but I seriously can’t think of anything worth typing anym.. 8) Lesnar Whatever happened to those rumors of his comeback? They got shut out like the Houston Astros. (bastards that they are) 7) The MIA Shelton Benjamin Speaking of wrestlers gone missing, remember when this guy was on Raw every week? Remember when he was the longest reigning IC champion? Remember when he was lighting up Raw in a match with Shawn Michaels for a shot at the World Title? My how the mighty have fallen, huh? 6) JBL face turn? A lot of people around the Internet seem to be smelling this, and the only thing I can smell is shit. What in the world do people see in JBL’s character that would make him a decent face? I don’t know if this makes me regret missing Smackdown the last few weeks or thank God that I have. 5) Flair v Triple H If there is a feud that I’m really sort of/kinda/ a little bit interested in right now, this is it. I know I’m sounding pretty pessimistic with that statement, and that’s fine, because while I’m usually pretty “markish” about wrestling and excited all the time, I’m kinda down at the moment. However, HHH terribly needed a non-main-event feud, and I’m glad he seems to have gotten one. Whatever keeps him away from Cena. 4) Carlito Hellz yez! Carlito breaking out the Test Drive swinging neck-breaker thing! The guy needs a few good moves to go with his entertaining persona. Now if we can only find him a feud that matters and a decent opponent. 3) Raw vs. Smackdown-The Angle I’m not a fan of blowing these sorts of feuds on anything other than Wrestlemania. Call me a contemporary traditionalist. That being said, this still seems a little thrown together, though I can definitely see huge upside to this. By the way, this is not the end of the brand split, everybody shut the fuck up. 2) TNA Obviously I’m a little high on this company right now, no matter how much better I think Raw is. I still consider the WWE to be the better of the two, and I don’t think its even close. However, TNA is starting to make build their case, and I hope they take their time with it as they still have some building to do. 1) Raw v Smackdown-The Video Game There is no greater wrestling game on the market, period. My friends and I will devote countless hours of our lives to this game. A large marker board will be hung in the living room, where we will assign monetary values to each wrestler, hold a draft, and than compete our rosters against each other for fictitious titles. This will be a small holiday for us on November 14th when this game comes out. I’m pumped. Thus ends another issue of the bleeder. Here’s hoping you’ve all enjoyed it and with any luck I’ll see you again sooner rather than later this time. Please do me the honor of dropping some feedback, send in your top ten lists, and hell take a guess at the quote too. All emails will be resonded too, even if I have to make one of my assistants do it. I apologize if this sort of column isn’t your thing, I felt like it was one that I wanted to do, and having looked back on it, I think a fair percentage of my audience will find it acceptable. I probably won’t attempt anything like this again for a while, so if you feel like a PPV review is something I should do a bit more often, please feel free to let me know in a line of feedback and I’ll consider it, though I don’t think its likely to happen. Thanks for visiting the Nosebleed Section and next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5! Let me know what you think, I promise you‘ll get a response.  Jukebox and I are recording this week, and album reviews are coming soon so keep checking back at Project Radio as well.  The Project Lives!! (again) Updated with excellent material give it a look…
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