Wrestling in a Bottle: Positively Snapple's All-Positive Smackdown! Review
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, October 21, 2005 at 10:16 PM EST





Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. I am, as usual, Snapple.

Well, I'll be the first person to admit that my last column wasn't my best work. It was more of a rant that got out of control. However, be that as it may, I'm still a bit baffled by some of the feedback I received. See, here are the words I put near the end of my column a couple of weeks ago.

"People have a right to be negative about it, because I don't take whatever the WWE gives me like a spoonfed baby. If you enjoy what the WWE is doing, more power to you. My opinion is not the end-all be-all of opinions, and I don't pretend to think it is. So just keep that in mind before you email me telling me how much of an asshole I am."

Yet, some people thought it was their duty to tell me I'm a whiny crybaby who should be thankful that the WWE works so hard for me. Well, to everyone who thinks I'm too negative these days, thanks for the small-minded opinion. I think I'm not like Scott Keith. I don't belittle people who disagree with me as if I'm hot stuff. My job, as a columnist, is to form an opinion, not follow the leader. I ingest wrestling from an analytical point of view, not a passive one. A column is supposed to challenge convention, not kiss its ass. I don't usually strive to be as inoffensive as possible. So maybe if there are any readers who are afraid of the idea of independent thought, if there are people who don't want to hear anything other than how "awesome" everything the WWE gives us is, maybe they shouldn't be reading wrestling columns.

People are allowed to criticize music. People are allowed to criticize television shows. People are allowed to criticize movies and sports teams. Why is wrestling the only thing above criticism? I don't think it is, but that's just one man's opinion.

Still, even though I think some of the people who wrote to me were a bit immature, I agree that last week's column wasn't stellar. Maybe it is the negativity. Maybe if I tone it down, this text will be easier to swallow.

That leads me to an experiment. I'm going to write a review of Smackdown!, as I'm watching it, and only comment on the positive things. That way, everyone is left with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. So from here until the end of the column, not a single other negative thought will pass through my fingers.

In other news, a hurricane is going to hit me in Florida late Sunday. I always did enjoy a nice, breezy day.

(Positive!)


Snapple's Super Smackdown! Review

Smackdown starts off this week with a montage of clips about the United States Championship drama that's been going on lately. The WWE does have a great A/V team. Booker vs. Chris Benoit for the gold is tonight! If it's even half as good as any of their best-of-seven matches, it'll be a tremendous bout.

Also tonight, Batista and Eddie against the Ortons, and Matt Hardy debuts.

Here comes Booker T to the ring with his wife. Here comes Chris Benoit as well. It looks like the US title match is going to be the opener. You couldn't ask for a hotter way to start the night off. Nice bit of chain wrestling to start the match off. Knife-edged chops by Benoit! OH, Booker when for the heel kick and sailed over the ropes to the floor. Sick! HOLY MOLY, suicide dive by Benoit. How can his lower spine possibly be in one piece after that? Benoit's back is hurt, so now Booker is working over Benoit's head. Good strategy! Okay, now the back is getting worked over, and it's just a beatdown by Booker. Benoit looks like he's about to pass out, but no! He's getting up, and here comes Benoit. German suplexes! Could Benoit possibly come back after being nearly out? Flying headbutt! OH, kickout by Booker. Uh oh, Charmelle has a chair. She ditches the chair, but low blows Benoit! Scissor kick, pin! New champ!

What drama. That finish will surely cause some controversy. I don't think Benoit will take this lightly. I rate this match five stars out of five!


Booker and Charmelle are celebrating, but uh oh, Benoit is mad. Booker still doesn't realize that his wife helped him. Will he come around?

Hmm, Bob Orton is playing injured. Randy tries to weasle out of the tag match, but the GM lays the SMACKDOWN on him, saying he can find a new tag partner or go in a handicapped match! Randy is such a slimy heel, trying to act like a coward. That's what makes him great.

JBL sees the footage of Edge threatening to invade Smackdown. JBL claims his innocence. Rey-JBL, the rematch is coming up. Heel vs. Heel feud? Actually, I love Heel vs. Heel feuds, because they break the formula. I just hope they don't mess it up by turning one of them into a babyface in the process.

Speaking of PPV rematches, I love that they show so many of them on free tv these days. That makes me feel better about not buying the PPVs.

Here comes Matt Hardy. He's great! Now here comes Simon Dean. Uh oh, Simon makes fun of the fact that Lita left Matt. Matt doesn't like it, and he promptly starts beating the everliving Hell out of Simon. Simon gets momentum back and starts taking the boots to Matt. Does Simon even have a finisher? I don't remember him ever winning a match. Zoinks, I heard a "Hardy sucks" chant, and a "We want Jeff" chant. And they didn't edit it out? They've edited out all the boos for Hulk Hogan and Goldberg. Interesting crowd anyway.

Twist of Fate! Excellently executed. Five stars out of five!


Teddy Long has teams of security guards waiting for Edge or any other RAW guys to show up. I guess that means Edge won't show up!


Clips from RAW. It's the setup to Steve Austin vs. Coach. Technical masterpiece that's gonna be!

Here comes Rey-Rey. Honestly, I love his new theme music. It's edgy, and it sounds more like it belongs to an upper carder than his goofy old theme did. JBL vs. Rey is underway. JBL sidesteps the body press, ha. Nice counters by both guys, and Rey hits the railing after a clipboard shot. TORTURE RACK, SHADES OF LEX LUGER! Flurry by Rey-Rey after he completely no-sells the rack. Thumb by JBL. Good heel stuff. 619... oh, but it's Edge's music. Edge spears Rey? G'buh? JBL chases Edge. I'M CONFUSED.

And now Chris Masters is attacking everyone? CHRIS MASTERS? I smell Survivor Series storylines brewing.

Oh, and by the way. JBL-Rey gets Five stars out of five!


Here comes Bobby Lashley. He's going to be facing Big Vito. Hoss match! Tie up, and a powerslam by Lashley. Lashley beats the snot out of Nunzio, but Vito takes advantage of the distraction. Lashley fights back though with various suplexes, and here comes his finisher! Lashley wins!

What a hoss! He reaches new levels of hossocity! Five stars out of five!


And here come the minis. I saw them on TNA about a year ago, and they're actually quite entertaining. They know how to wrestle.

OH SHIT, IT'S THE FUCKING BOOGEYMAN. FINALLY, he's here. I heard he'd gotten injured, but I didn't know he was debuting soon. I predict much hilarity in the Boogeyman's wake. In fact, that whole segment was just too weird, it was great. The pork-eating guy, and then all the midgets getting chased away by the Boogeyman. I'm dumbfounded.

Impromptu match between Sylvan and Hardcore Holly. Brutal shots! Illegal objects! And... commercial. Okay. Hardcore put syrup on Sylvan? That's... um... yeeeeeeah. They battle to the ring. Hardcore breaks a stick over Sylvan, and hits him with a trashcan. Kickout. Holly slammed down onto the trashcan. Oh wait, Alabama Slam through a table. Hardcore wins! Five out of five stars!


Eddie and Batista have a touching moment backstage. Eddie reminds us that yes, he was at one point actually the world champion. Eddie thanks Batista for getting his life back together, and the plot thickens.

Cool video package about the Undertaker, and how he's apparently dead now. Even though... he was already dead, and he was buried alive by Kane. But this time, he's REALLY dead, for GOOD. TV says so.

Hey! Hey! Nothing you can say! Randy Orton's gonna wrestle to-day! (Don't forget to vote Randy for Pope.) Here comes Eddie and Batista. And who will Randy's partner be? Why, it's Ken Kennedy, and they won't let him announce himself. A shame. OH, the RKO through the ropes spot was cool. Buncha stuff happens... Bob Orton disqualifies the heels. Here comes the beatdown. RKO on Batista. Teddy comes out and makes a six-man match for next week including the five men in the ring and Roddy Piper.

Do I need to say it? Five out of five stars!

Smackdown as a whole gets Twenty out of five stars!

And that's it.


Final Thought

Obviously, I exaggerated a *little* bit in my review about how great each segment and match were, but actually and honestly, this was the best Smackdown I've seen in a long time. Some good matches, good storyline building, unexpected things happened, future matches hyped. Not that much to complain about. I will ask one thing though, why did Bob Holly pour syrup on Sylvan Grenier? WHY? I've spent years trying to defend wrestling, saying it isn't homoerotic, and then this happens. Oh boy. Well anyway, that's it for my totally positive, non-negative Smackdown review. Take care everyone.

-Snapple

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