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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, October 9, 2005 at 6:09 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Back On The USA Howdy Folks! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! Can you feel it? That certain something in the air….the tingling in your nerves…the itchiness behind your eyeballs….Yes. Wrestling is the cause of it. Wrestling like the good old days. The magic is back. Yes the magic ratings bullet that is the USA network delivered. A 4.4 for the big homecoming. The Raw on 9/26 did a 3.19. However, the week before that, against stiff competition, Raw did a 3.63. And that was without Austin, Hogan, or Foley. So, considering the average ratings for Raw for the past six of weeks is 3.6, the show was a marked success, but not a gigantic, super fantastic, unholy increase. It was merely the payoff for having three big names, one name folks groaned at when announced, and a list of nostalgia figures. A strong promotional campaign. And most importantly, the promise of a change in direction. For the better. Oh, and Raw ratings information for the past TEN years can be found here: Raw Ratings History Here’s a kicker. The Raw Homecoming Rating is the EXACT same one for the June 27th, 2005 Raw. What happened on that show? Hogan returned, Angle and Flair had a match, and the Divas Search was in full swing. So, What did we get? On Monday to get us that monster 4.4 rating? Let’s take a look. WWE TV – The Series Raw Recap Info Provided By Carl Walsh Foley and Piper Foley, the guest introduced Piper, the host. Once both men were in the ring, they said nice things about the other, and then Piper started to ask a question when they were interrupted. By Randy and Bob Orton. Amazing verbal work then went on, as Randy said Piper screwed over his dad. Randy then beat up Piper, then Foley, and both men were left lying as the Orton’s left the ring. -Great segment. You know, it’s amazing when two vast talents like Orton and Piper work together to put some one over. Foley did it once. He just did it again. And Piper? He just got Bob over. Using the past to shape the future. A lost art in WWE, as the past is often used to bury the future, and keep the past on top. HBK vs Angle 30 Minute Iron Match A solid match, but I found it not to be that great on a personal level. Just aspects of the match that bugged me to no end. -Ok, the next person who gets hits with HBK’s Superkick, do this. Stagger from the kick to the corner, then go to another corner, and then fall down and then flop around like you’re having a Grand Mal seizure. Don’t drop like you’re dead. Don’t just lie there. Ham it up. And hopefully, the contest will have no winner, because people just LOVE that. Eric and Vince, Best Buds Yes, Eric, you were hired to be humiliated on TV. I have yet to be given by WWE any other explanation. Vince said that no one knows how sick and twisted he can be. I beg to differ. I know. Shit, the bits that DON’T make it to print, well, even I know when to draw the line. Vince, well, we know. We all know. One sentence says it all. Necrophilia on National TV. And to finish it off, only three more. NOT A JOKE. Austin and Vince, Just Like Old Times If you’ve seen it once, a thousands times doesn’t make it better. The whole McMahon family came out to get stunnered. Even Shane got on TV. From the time his music hit to the time he hit the mat. 33 seconds. Steph is now a blonde. With big tits. Vince wasn’t kidding. Hardy vs Edge Great match. Everyone got to do something important. Lita got some moves in, Edge got to shine and Hardy got screwed, but in the right way. It’s just a shame, as I see no future for Matt on Smackdown. But hey, if he can overcome his abysmal debut, well, maybe he can make something happen. I wish him luck. Puppies Trish finally gets to speak. Some tame lesbo action happens, sweet, and then Mae Young appears and well, it was actually pretty funny. Hacksaw rules. So does Snuka. And Ted, you still got it. Flair Loves H Flair says some stuff. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Flair and H vs Carlito and Masters Flair-H win. H then beats up Flair. For a looooonnnnnnngggggg time. You know what you did! In other words, they don’t know what Flair did, but they hope to figure something out by the time the show airs Monday. Either way, we now have AT LEAST a twenty-minute H promo to dread. Legends? We get a bunch of old crufters the ring and Dusty makes an order for catering. Rob Conway (?!?) then comes out and gets beaten up. Drastically reduced due to McMahons. Bra and Panties Match One of the shortest bra and panties matches in history. And there were five chicks involved. Time reduced due to McMahons. OK, by this point, I’d lost interest in the show. I flipped back around to see what was going on. Man, that UFC was cool. Six Man Tag Barely got started, when Bischoff shut off the lights. Reduced in Time due to McMahons. Hogan! HOGAN! Hogan blurts out that he wants to wrestle Austin. Time reduced due to McMahons. Bischoff vs Cena I’m not sure what happened. All I saw was Smackdown guys running down to the ring and running in. From the re-capps I learned that Cena won. A loaded show. The first half was great. Some solid matches, and a great opening. Then it went downhill. Vince/Austin, way too long. It had some great moments, but the clips were not one of them. The ‘What?” chant came back strong, and that makes me happy. I was happy to see Shane return, and when he got les than nothing, well, it just show how afraid of Shane the Klique really is. Shane is a guy the fans like. He has that charisma that makes a connection. So naturally, he has to be kept off TV. I received this question in my email, and I’d like to answer it here, as it needs some space to get into. Dear Wevv Mang, Hi... I've been a long-time reader of your column and I'd really like to know your down to earth opinions on Triple H and John Cena. Please... tell me absolutely positively everything that you have! Robert It’s a good comparison. Here are my thoughts on them. Triple H : Triple H is a solid performer in the ring. He can work some great matches. His style is that of a brawler, punchy, punchy, kick, and he likes to bleed. He does have a solid, dependable set of real wrestling moves. He’s not a high flyer, and he shouldn’t be. His size is good, as he is bigger than most wrestlers, but not a giant. That means he can move around, and be more flexible with his offense. H knows how to sell. No, the problem isn’t his wrestling style. Triple H can speak. He knows how to push buttons and react to others. He has improved greatly since he first started speaking a lot. The pausing, halting cadence he used early is gone, and his skill is polished, and strong. He can speak for a full twenty minutes, not an easy task. His sense of his audience needs some work, as in, he has trouble reading his audience. By that I mean, Austin could tell when the crowd was getting bored, and shifted his approach to reel them back in. I swear, Rock had telepathy at times, as he could play a crowd as good as Hogan. H, well, sometimes he can, and sometimes he is way off target. H has one serious flaw. He’s not a leader. He’s a supporting character. When H works with some one, great things can happen. Like with Batista. Like with Ric, when Ric was allowed to appear like his old self. Like when Foley lifted him from the midcard. When on top, all the work is to keep the impression that he is the top guy. The expense comes at the sake of his opponent. When H wants to work with some one, usually right before the big match, after weeks of squashing, he overcompensates. I think the deal with H is this. H is cool, but not cool enough. Fans want to like H, but when H is shoved down our throats, the gag reflex kicks in. And he’s been shoved for over four years. The smell alone is enough to start the dry heaves. H is a main eventer, no doubt about that. But he’s not the star WWE says he is. He’s the David Spade of wrestling. He’s the Jeremy Shockey, where folks just hate the guy, and don’t believe the hype. When put into angles, the focus shifts from having two great competitors having a feud, to one guy getting all the push. His opponents even have to sing his praises. The WWE has tried every trick in the book to get H over, and it isn’t working. All of this effort and guy is still a low end main eventer, when he should be bigger than Hogan. Four years of constant push, and the guy is less than he was when Foley let him be the one to “retire” him. If I have to compare him to a celebrity, than the closest one I can think of is: Justin Timberlake. A good singer, but not anything truly special, who banged a famous chick and got huge publicity out of it. And even more hatred, and was proven to not be the draw that the entertainment industry hoped for. John Cena – John Cena is not a dynamic wrestler. He has maybe three offensive moves that don’t involve a punch or a kick. But John Cena is skilled at selling. John Cena can bump with the best of them. His finisher is the signature move in his offensive. Cena can throw a solid punch. Cena can clothesline. And that’s about it. That is his main drawback. Cena has plenty of little moves he uses to make his moves look flashy. He pumps up his shoes, he does weird hand motions, he brushes his shoulder, and then he punches them. Big Deal. It’s still a punch. His style is similar to that of H, but H has more variety and some unique ways of working. H has a high knee lift; Cena has the generic kick to the midsection, for example. But Cena can sell. It’s just the job of the other guy to make him look like a wrestler, by using their offense to Cena’s advantage. Cena has charisma. He has a passion that he brings to his mic work that sucks folks in. His fans listen to his emotion, not the actual words that he says. If they did, well, he may lose some fans. Or gain even more, ya never know. Two thirds of his promos are about performing homosexual acts on his opponents (TONIGHT! WE’S GONNA DRINK A BOTTLE OF CHARDONAY AND HAVE ANAL SEX! CHAIN GANG IN THE HOUSE!) But enough about the content of his promos, the fact is, he delivers and hooks those viewers, and that’s all that matters. John Cena puts asses in the seat. There’s an honest quality about Cena. He comes across as an underdog, even as the champ. There’s a sincerity, and connection that makes him a perfect babyface champion. Tough, yet kind, willing to follow the rules, but takes steps to do what is right. In other words, charisma. Cena’s biggest weakness is a combination of things. Professionally, creative is his biggest enemy. His angles are usually booked generically, his promos are usually worded weakly, and when strong, Cena does deliver. His gimmick is a plus and a minus. White rapper. Music tastes vary period. But rap does have mass appeal, even to white kids. When creative decides to bring his gimmick to the forefront, well, look out. It’s going to be ugly. His other weakness is his own fault. The guy is a dull worker. He can take a beating, but so can many others. When on offense, he looks like crap. I’ve seen punches before. I’ve seen plenty on Raw leading up to your match. Like 300. A punch is nothing special. It’s called wrestling, not punching. Boxing is different, and no comparison can be made between the two. In boxing, a punch can win. If I had to compare Cena to some one famous, I think the best I can come up with would be Usher. Cena is respectful, well liked, has some great ability, but at the end of the day, you just think to yourself “eh, it’s Cena” and not really care too much about the guy. Smackdown Recap info courtesy of Chad Matthews After all the hype for the homecoming, Smackdown has to really drive home that they have a PPV this Sunday. So, an “open challenge” to Raw has been made. Expect Raw superstars to appear on the PPV, and maybe, just maybe, boost ticket sales. Randy interrupts Cannon and Teddy, and Teddy is led away like a petulant child. Randy then talks about Piper. Piper comes out and clears house with a well-concealed pipe. Booker vs Orlando You know who a good person to feud with Orlando would be? JBL. Booker wins with help from Sharmell. He then looks upset, instead of happy he won. Bradshaw Speaks I thought he was a New Yorker? Oh well, Bradshaw beats up a Rey Mysterio doll. Good job goober. Hardcore Holly vs Sylvan Yeah, and the CHEESEHEAD……….CHEESEHEAD, was at ringside, supposedly doing announcing, but not really. So, as expected, Holly came over and got in CHEESEHEAD……CHEESEHEAD’s face causing CHEESEHED……CHEESEHEAD to interfere and give the match to Sylvan. Piper Speaks It was going fine, so it got cut short. Great stuff from Hot Rod, as he was just getting warmed up. Child Molester and Animal vs Regal and Burchill. Christy is now with the Road Warriors as their heat is dying. Regal and Burchill looked good. They had some solid Tag Team moves and psychology down. MNM ran in and took out Christy (Count your blessings honey, you’re now away from). Eddie and Batista, Best Buds Wow, a very strong segment. Eddie says he really is Batista’s friend and Batista gives Edie a chair and then turns his back on him, and says to take a shot. Eddie is upset. The only low point, and it nearly killed the angle, was Eddie saying that Batista was his “soulmate”. It’s a short list of worse words to use than that one. Still, they both turned it around, and made it work. Great stuff. Randy And Bob vs Piper A quick match, as the obvious was going to happen. Taker-ference. Undertaker sends some minions out to show a huge coffin, big enough for Taker to ride in to the ring, climb out and under the ring, and show up on the other side. Randy and his dad ran away. Bobby Lashley vs Jobber Good match, not spectacular, except for Bobby’s power moves, but a solid match. Simon Dean came out and was entertaining on the outside of the ring. Nice bit, where Simon was doing squats, and Bobby picked up the jobber, on his shoulders and did squats too. Good job. Eddie, Bradshaw, and Christian vs Batista, Rey, and Benoit Not a bad match. Some good playing off the other angles here. Eddie did protect Dave during the match, and relived his intensity vs Rey at one point. Overall, did a great job of making the matches at the PPV interesting. Smackdown was a good show, which did the job. PPV, Sunday, buy it. Some slow points, but not enough to really detract from the show. By the way, just in case you had forgotten, there’s a PPV today. Kane’s House* *For Parody Purposes Only. Down Lawyers! Down! The sun is sinking in west as Kane walks down the street. A hat is on his head, and a lunchbox in his hand. Kane is of course, shirtless, but a smile is on his face, as he waves to his neighbors. A group of kids is playing football in a yard nearby, and an errant pass makes it’s way to Kane, who raises up his hands to catch it. On the porch of JR’s house, JR freezes as he sees Kane’s arms go up, and he turns to run, but isn’t fast enough, as Kane’s arms come down and JR bursts into flames. JR yells and drops to the ground and starts rolling around, trying to put the flames out. JR: MY GAWD! I’M ON FIRE! JR’s wife rushes out and turns the hose on JR, and puts him out. Kane doesn’t notice. Kane passes in front of Bossman’s house, and Bossman calls out. Bossman: Evening Kane! How’s the move treating you? Kane: Move? What move? Bossman: You mean to tell me you didn’t notice? They picked up the whole town and moved us down the road, and you didn’t notice? Kane: Can’t say that I did. I’ve been busy at work. When did this happen? Bossman: Last week! Kane, you are one clueless son of a bitch! It was in the paper and everything! Unbelievable. Well, Ashley should be getting home any second now. I’ll see you later. Kane: Ashley? Who’s Ashley? Bossman: Who’s Ashley? Good grief man, you really have to pay more attention to what’s going on. She’s the new Neighborhood Hot Chick. I just got finished installing cameras in her bathroom. Say, you haven’t seen that Orton kid around have you? Kane: Can’t say that I have. Bossman: Good. Bob told me he grounded him. Last thing I need is Orton messing up my work. I’ll see you around Kane. Bossman waves to Kane and goes inside. Kane raises his arm to wave back, and across the street, JR, who had just gotten to his feet, freezes, and starts to whimper. Kane lowers his arm, and JR smolders, but Betsy is quick with the hose, and JR is put out before he can erupt in flame again. Kane goes up his driveway, stopping to pick up his mail. Kane opens his front door, and goes inside. Across the street, JR heaves a huge sigh of relief. Inside: Kane: Honey! I’m home! A frantic scramble and thumping is heard from upstairs. Seconds later, Edge comes into view, hastily pulling his pants on, while Lita is right behind him, wearing a large shirt, and only a large shirt. Edge: Hey freak! Good timing! I just finished banging your wife! How you like that retard? Huh? Kane: I don’t mind. In fact, I just finished banging your grandmother. Edge: Real funny smart guy! My Grandma has been dead for years! Kane: I know. I dug her up. She was nice and squishy. Edge: DUDE! That’s just….dude. Edge looks disturbed as he brushes past Kane with a sick look, and stumbles out the door. Kane just smiles, and goes through the mail. Lita stares at him. Lita: So? You have nothing to say about the fact that I’m sleeping with Edge? Kane: Huh? Lita: Kane! I’m cheating on you! With Edge! Kane: So? Should I be upset about that? Lita: YES! Kane: Oh, well if it makes you happy, I’m happy. Lita: UGH! Kane you are the most frustrating man I have ever met! You should be upset that I’m having hot monkey sex with Edge! You should be furious! You should be stalking Edge and swearing revenge! You should be doing SOMETHING! Kane: But I did! I had sex with Edge’s dead grandmother! Lita: You’d do that anyway, not because I’m cheating on you! Kane: Well, yeah, she is hot, but it’s still Edge’s grandmother! I could choose anybodies grandma, but I chose Edge’s! Doesn’t that count for something? Lita: It’s not the same! And would you stop sorting the mail! I’m yelling at you! Kane: Sorry dear. Hey look! You got a package! See? Here’s I’ll open it for you. Lita comes over to see what she got, and Kane opens the box and holds it under he face. He flips open the lid and a slight hiss is heard, and Lita passes out. As she starts to collapse, Kane catches her, and scoops her up in his arms. He starts upstairs. Kane: Oh Lita, you just don’t understand. Out of all the living girls in the world, you’re the only one that turns me on. Edge can have you when you’re awake, I like you better when you’re still. Besides, it’s the new millennium. Lighten up baby. Don’t be such a prude. I think you need to be reminded why they call me the Big Red Machine! Lita: Huh? Wha… Kane: Don’t talk. Just lie there, and let Kane do all the work. See? This way, you can have sex all the time. Edge can have you by day, and I can have by night. When you’re not moving, which is the way I like it. Now go to sleep and let Kane have his fun… Lita moans and passes out. Kane raises his arms, and brings them down, and across the street, JR bursts into flames. Ten Minutes later he bursts into flames again. Twenty minutes later, he does so again. Big Show opens his front door and yells out at JR. Big Show: Jesus Christ JR! DO You mind? Turn off that strobe light! Yeesh. Big Show goes back inside, muttering over under his breath. Big Show: New location, same old neighborhood. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: History 101 WWE is back on USA network. And that means that everything is right with the world again. Why, they even had a special hyping up their return. A best of Raw. Highlighting all the goodness that was wrestling. It was really something to see. But you know what? I couldn’t watch it. The memories were too painful. I’m man enough to admit it. I shed a little tear of sadness. And kept thinking to myself over and over again. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? Wrestling was rolling, ROLLING! At that time. It was bigger than it ever had been before. I mean that. Hogan in the eighties got some mainstream pub, but this was new ground. Wrestling was everywhere. It had ingrained itself into the fabric of pop culture again, in such a way that all it needed was to keep on track. With the eighties, there was Hogan, and that pretty much was it. Now, we had Rock, Austin, and Foley breaking out. Three for one. At the time, they hadn’t reached Hogan in his prime, but they were damn close. Vince could have been there too. So could Shane, given time, he was that likable, but then it all went south. Now, Spike is not to blame. They did what WWE wanted. The deal itself was a good one. WWE got on MTV like they wanted. WWE got specials on Spike like they wanted. WWE got a sweet deal with UPN, and permission for specials. Spike was just run by total boobs at the time. These are the same jack asses who couldn’t figure out how to get ratings from CSI. These are the same putzes who ran MXC, a brilliant show, that quickly gained a cult following upon it’s debut, right into the ground, by overexposing it. I loved MXC. I haven’t watched it in months. The same network that went through what? Five identity changes in as many years? Yes, Spike TV was run by idiots. I mean really, they got sued by Spike Lee over using the name Spike, and SPIKE LEE WON!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK? WWE took advantage of Spike during that time. Spike needed WWE to justify their existence. Then Spike got people who know what they’re doing. And suddenly, WWE isn’t happy. They wanted out. They got out and were shocked, SHOCKED! When Spike announced that discussion with WWE were over, BEFORE WWE had signed a deal with USA. How dare they? That’s a WWE tactic! Spike can’t use that! But they did, and WWE got screwed But back on USA, ah, it was glorious. Five years ago. Oh, it wasn’t perfect, but the good more than made up for the bad. But before they left, they were slipping. There were some big changed behind the scenes, and well, they changed the product, and well, it wasn’t good. Rock left. Foley left. Austin self destructed, Guys that were getting TV time, and getting over, were now used to get over others. They were fodder. One of the greatest angles ever in history flopped. And things were never the same. So, ask yourself, because I know that you, the reader, have your own answer at hand. What changed so drastically from five years ago? Time has gone by, and we’ve all grown up since that time, but you who have followed wrestling, be it a year, ten years, 20, or just two weeks, have been around long enough to make a guess. Now, don’t think too deeply about it. An answer sprang to mind as you read through my ramble, and whether you think it’s the right one or not, well, it does matter, but I’m not looking for an essay. I want a gut check answer. A sentence or two. Now I’m not asking you to respond to me, but to yourself. You know. I know, and I bet our answers have a common bond. Now, this isn’t just a rant to bring the negativity to the forefront. That is not the purpose. This is a rant to bring caution and common sense back into WWE. See, the WWE is looking at the USA network as the solution to their creative problems. Simply the fact that they’re on a network that “doesn’t censor”, at least not yet, isn’t the solution to the problem of gaining fans. There is a saying, “those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it”. Well, WWE was making progress towards getting the momentum going. Smackdown moved to Friday night, and while they took a hit last Friday with a 2.6, Friday is still a good night for Smackdown. Raw has made a lot of progress over the year, breaking the 4 barrier in the ratings. H was off TV, and Raw got better. The homecoming show had a feel to it. A lot to talk about, and when it was all said and done, it was disappointing. Not hugely so, but still a disappointment. Now, folks at WWE are slapping themselves on the back, and happy that they broke the four mark. It’s all well and good for that one night, but now, here’s another night, and there’s going to be another night, and so on. The war is far from over. Case in point: A rumor was that JR would be taken off the announce team and replaced with a UFC announcer. Rumors swirled. Then, a news story broke. If the UFC guy left, Joey Styles would take his place on the UFC broadcast. While the introduction of a UFC announcer on WWE would have meant nothing, a wrestling announcer, considered one of the best, appearing on UFC would be a huge coup. For UFC. So, move by WWE was countered and strongly so. And the guy turned them down. A smart move. See, the plan was probably to hire the guy so that they could make fun of him on WWE TV. He would have to wrestle and be humiliated. On the flip side, if Joey Styles appeared on UFC, suddenly, here’s this guy fans knows, and like. A familiar face to wrestling fans. You can figure out the rest. And that is the root of the problem with WWE. They are on track to once again doing things to amuse only themselves and forgetting about the fans. The same pattern that tanked them. And just like last time, they have an Invasion type angle, that could really heat things up. History is repeating itself, and having sat through what went before, I’m doing what I always do. Bracing for the worst. Hoping for the best. And that’s enough for today. Next week, Ridin' With The Bossman Audio Show returns. One quick note, quick plugs and then I’m outta here. TNA – Time has moved. I set a tape for TNA on Saturday night, not wanting to miss the debut of Gail Kim. I set my tape for midnight to 1 am. Guess what? Gail ran in at the end, so I caught that. Thank goodness. But I missed the earlier part of the match and show. So take note. TNA is now at 11. Not 12. Of course, it may always have been at 11, and I just never paid that close attention. Oh, and Gail looks good. But she’s with Jarrett. So I can tune out Jarrett and just watch Gail. Damn you Jeff Jarrett. I wonder what TNA’s budget is for guitars? QUICK PLUGS! The Movie Bar! The Movie Bar Forums The Project LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum! LOP's Very Own PWA, Best E-Fed on the net. Period. All Your DVD Review Needs can be filled at : DVDFANATIC.COM Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com Please label all email FEEDBACK. *NEW GALLERY* Must SEE VERY HOT Pix of G4 TV's Olivia Munn! WHOA!!
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