Wrestling in a Bottle: Wrestling Needs Celebrities
    Submitted by Snapple on Friday, September 23, 2005 at 2:05 PM EST



    Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm Snapple.

    Well, my computer is away getting repaired, BUT I expect it to be back Monday or Tuesday. So hopefully this is the end of my elongated absence. I thought that if I sent away my computer immediately after my last column, I'd get it back within two weeks so I'm not late for another column. Hoho, so much for that.

    Since that isn't the case, this column is being brought to you courtesy of the public library here in Orlando. I only have a limited amount of computer time before they'll kick me off and erase all of my work, so this might be a shorter column than usual. Also, there might be more typos.

    Before I get started, I have to express that I have a heavy heart for the people in Texas and Louisiana bracing for Hurricane Rita. I grew up in Houston, and part of me will always live there. I still have many friends who live in that area, and it would break my heart to see my home and their homes destroyed in the wake of what looks like it could be the worst hurricane to hit Houston in probably two decades. My heart goes out to everyone in the region, as well as those still affected by Katrina.

    That out of the way, lets talk about the shallow pursuit of television ratings and pay-per-view buyrates. When it comes right down to the end of the day, you can't rely on great wrestling or compelling promos. You must rely on those that are much better than us in every way, celebrities.

    Wrestling Needs Celebrities

    I've been away from my computer, and so I haven't really kept up on my insider wrestling news, brought to us so nicely by the best wrestling news website on the webbernet, LordsofPain.net. So imagine my surprise when I'm watching ESPN this week, and I hear Jose Canseco is considering wrestling a match at Wrestlemania. Jose Canseco? Could it be? Could it be Vince McMahon has lost his mind? Wait, he lost his mind slowly over the course of the last decade. Still, on the surface this seems like a really bad idea. One thing you have to remember though is that the WWE as we know it now would not be where it is without the help of celebrities.

    The year is 1980...something. '85? I forget. The year of the first Wrestlemania. Vince McMahon had finished his radical transformation of the World Wrestling Federation. He took all the talented wrestlers from his father's era and jobbed them to newer, bigger, less talented but more superhuman wrestlers like Hulk Hogan to create the great spectacle that came to represent the WWF in the 1980s. His crowning achievement would be Wrestlemania, a closed-broadcast super event the likes of which wrestling had never seen. Literally, the entire future of the company rested on the success of this show. Somehow, the show succeeded.

    Many people remember that the first Wrestlemania was a pretty damn crappy show as far as actual wrestling goes, and in fact it was pretty bad. However, it garnered attention because of CELEBRITIES. Mr. T crowned the main event by tag-teaming with Hulk Hogan against the evil duo of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper and "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper both claim they were the main drawing points of the first Mania, and no doubt they had their contributions. However, greatness is only achieved by comparison. Teaming Mr. T with Hogan made Hogan seem like a bigger deal than he already was. Mr. T was one of the most beloved and popular tv stars at the time, and looked like a legitimate badass. Putting him next to Hogan, and Hogan looking just as strong or stronger than the fabled Mr. T made him phenomenal. It also drew casual fans who liked Mr. T but not so much wrestling to this gimmicky event.

    Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, OR Roddy Piper weren't the main drawing point for Wrestlemania 1, and that's a dark secret that nobody in the wrestling business wants us to know. Vince and Hulk are too embarassed to admit even now that a woman drew more fans to Wrestlemania than any of the small-testicled, roided up supermen did. That's right. The WWE itself might not be where it is today if it weren't for Cindy Lauper. Cindy Lauper, at the time, was the best-selling artist in the country. Everyone knew her, and she had widespread appeal. Think Britney Spears circa 2001, except that Cindy could actual sing. Her then-boyfriend convinced her to get mixed up in wrestling, and the rest is history.

    Everyone took wrestling much more seriously back then. When Ric Flair returned from a "career-ending injury," it was a big deal. When Mr. T put his toughness to the test in the ring, it was a big deal. And when Cindy Lauper started a bitter feud with Captain Lou Albano, yes folks, it was a BIG deal. These two taunted and attacked each other at public events in the time leading to Wrestlemania. Everyone wanted to see Cindy pay the favor back to Captain Lou, and the payback came in the form of a women's title match. The unstoppable old geezer Moolah, who had crushed all young female wrestlers for the past two decades, would put her title on the line against Wendi Richter. Lou and Lauper stood in their respective competitor's corner, and the great grudge match was on. Wendi and Cindy won, and Wrestlemania was born, a spectacle for the ages.

    As Cindy and Mr. T came on the cusp of a great upheaval in popularity for the company, so did another celebrity during the next great boost in popularity for the company. Steve Austin had become the most popular man in the WWF, and the only thing that was left was to give him the championship. Austin would clash with the man who helped carry the company during the mid-90s, Shawn Michaels, at Wrestlemania 14. The only thing left needed to bring everyone's attention back to wrestling was a big celebrity with which to measure the event. That was was Mike Tyson.

    Tyson was a natural choice to feud with and put the odds against Austin. Mike Tyson is a HUGE draw, even if he isn't the greatest boxer ever. He is part of four of the top five best-selling PPVs ever. Not just the five best-selling boxing PPVs, the best selling PPVs of ANY kind. He was a freak, a madman, and he was completely and utterly compelling. He personifies a lot of what makes werstling work. People who love him will pay money to see him win, and people who hate him will pay money to see him lose. At least, that was the case that the time before he became washed up. Mike did his part very well. During press conferences for an upcoming boxing match, he'd continue to call out Steve Austin, bringing everyone's attention back to wrestling. It cannot be understated that Mike Tyson was a large part of Wrestlemania 14's success.

    That brings us back to 2005. Once again, wrestling is in the shitter, and it's looking for the next great hero, the next great storyline to pull business back up by the bootstraps. One celebrity is not going to solve everything. The storylines are hideous. The booking is hideous. There are too many PPVs, coming at us with storylines that've only been built up for three shows. There's too much work to be done for a celebrity to solve, but it certainly wouldn't hurt.

    Smackdown will never succeed, because you can't make new stars without getting a rub from bigger stars. The Undertaker is the only star left on the show, and his drawing power is gone anyway. Batista could beat everyone on the roster, and he'll never be as big as Austin or Goldberg, because he's beating up on people that have tarnished credibility or that nobody cares about. A celebrity, at least, would give some kind of rub. A celebrity gives a bar of comparison to make a wrestler great. When Steve Austin stands next to Mike Tyson, and looks just as tough as Mike Tyson, that makes Steve Austin a megastar.

    However, we don't have Mike Tyson. We don't have Cindy Lauper. We have Jose Canseco. As much as I hate to say it, I used to love Jose Canseco. People have a hard time even remembering now, but he was at one point one of the most popular baseball players in the world. He took the A's to two world series, won one of them, and had Mark McGwire living in *his* shadow. That was over 15 years ago though. Now he's a washed up admitted steroid user, who ratted out all his teammates and looks like a goofball. He is not the draw the WWE is looking for.

    If Jose Canseco gets involved in a storyline in the WWE, yeah I'll be interested. It's interesting television to me, but it's not going to draw outside fans. No normal person is going to spend $40 just to see a washed up baseball player wrestle. It just won't happen. He is not that big anymore, at least not in stature.

    The WWE needs to get Eminem or Peyton Manning or someone like that, ya know, that people actually pay attention to. Hell, at least Lawrence Taylor was still one of the most popular athletes in America when he beat up Bam-Bam, and that didn't help the WWE at all.

    Final Thought

    That's all for this week. I hope Vince doesn't have to fire five more wrestlers to make room for Jose Canseco, but it could be interesting. One thing it won't be though, is a draw. That's a fact, my friends. Until next time, take care.

    -Snapple

    Send feedback to my email or leave me a message in the feedback forum on LOPforums.com

    tasteless@gmail.com




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