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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Friday, September 16, 2005 at 7:19 PM EST
"Book em, Dano." Welcome back to the column that will soon be changing its name to “Some Guy‘s column chosen spontaneously“ The Nosebleed Section. Yes, the rumors are true, WWE has trademarked the term “Random”, “Randomguy” “Randomguy#5” “The Nosebleed Section” “Bleeder” and even “The Worst column on Lop”, so I am in search of a new column name. I was going to write and introduction about a concert I went to a while back (Chevelle) but I figured Rolling Stone had that copyrighted. Then I was going to write an introduction about my extreme lack of luck with women, and got a letter from Ayatollah’s attorney insisting that I “cease and desist” typing. So I’m stuck writing about wrestling, and I’m sure Meltzer will be calling me shortly. --Is anybody out there starting to miss Matt Hardy? I know, I know…he’s not gone. Yet. --Cade and Murdoch could be really entertaining. I didn’t say good. I said entertaining, so relax. And is it just me, or does Murdoch look a hell of a lot like Bobby from the show “King of the Hill”? --I miss Chris Jericho. --Is everybody amped up for the debut of EminemaCena at Unforgiven on Sunday? If you missed it, JC apparently dyed his hair blond... --I know plans are currently set to the contrary, but I genuinely hope that things change and TNA debuts on Spike as a two hour program. I felt while they were on FSN that they’re booking was hampered by having so many short matches, particularly given that they like to base their product on in-ring action. A second hour would do wonders for them. What the hell man, seriously. I swear I had this column all but done on Sunday of last week, but sadly my buddy Morpheus beat me to it. As you can probably tell by my comments thus far, today’s column was set to be about the WWE’s lawsuits and such regarding trademarks and the like. However, since I’ve no intrest in looking like I blatantly ripped off Morpheus, I had to audible the column. Well, at that point, real life kicked in and I didn’t have time to get a new column typed up. SOOOO, my sabatical has turned into this piece. Let’s face it, huh? Wrestling has always been about improvisation. Making something outta nothing, being able to come through when plans A-D get fucked up. I was gonna write about that, but after getting halfway through it, I decided that column sucked. Anyway, to make a long story short, life sucked, then it got better, then Morpheus ripped off my idea, then my second idea sucked. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one having shitty ideas lately. New NWA World Heavyweight Champion Crowned Submitted by Carl Walsh on Thursday, September 15, 2005 at 11:21 PM EST PWInsider.com is reporting that Jeff Jarrett has become the NWA Heavyweight Champion once again, after defeating Raven tonight at an event promoted by Border City Wrestling in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. America's Most Wanted helped Jarrett win the title, completing their heel turn. Apparently, TNA had five camera crews on hand, and footage will be uploaded to TNAWrestling.com. HOT PICS OF RIKISHI IN THONG!!MARK HENRY SNATCH SHOTS, HIDDEN CAMERA REVEALS **SPOILER** CHRIS MASTERS TO BE NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!! GAIL KIM PORNO? Lucky for me, just when I run shit out of ideas, a stupid decision is always waiting to be made. In the case of today’s crap-tacular booking, TNA has apparently made the decision to put the heavyweight title BACK on Jeff Jarret. This is re-DIKE-u-lous. The reason I say apparently and put it in italics is to 1) demonstrate my amazing expertise over the world of simplistic html, and B) there seems to be some curious circumstances regarding the win. Jarret, who can best be described as TNA’s version of Triple H to the WWE fan, (I consider this to be a slap in the face of Triple H) won the belt at an independent booking in Canada-home of one screw job after another it seems. TNAwrestling.com has reported that their administration has noted the change to be indeed “official” and that Jarret it seems will indeed be the NWA World Heavyweight Champion when TNA Impact debuts on Spike TV October 1st. Now, I would like to go on record as saying it is entirely possible that TNA is not only doing a marvelous job of working the Internet fan, but creating a buzz for themselves in the process. It is no secret that TNA has long since catered to the IWC in ways that the WWE can only fathom. Given the new craze that is “working” the net in pro-wrestling, this wouldn’t surprise me. TNA has survived to this point based solely on web casts and a very small syndicated cable show. The net fan has kept an ear to the ground listening for TNA to make some noise and as much as I hate the decision, they seem to have done that. If they are following the phrase “there is no such thing as bad publicity” then they’re spot on, because this is a move that will once again hook the casual TNA fan (me) into talking about them. Now, by “talking” about them, perhaps what I actually mean is “bitching”. TNA has long since prided itself on a few ideals; being an alternative to the WWE (that being different), more matches, less talking, and a high paced-high flying style. Jeff Jarret is not any of these things. In fact, to a point, Jarrett is the embodiment of the “WWE style”, the personification of everything TNA is NOT. His promos are long and respective (though still occasionally listenable) his look is very generic, his character is stale (kind of a hick Triple H) and his in ring style is bland all the way down to his finisher. “The Stroke” is a move that is so awesomely bad in my opinion that I can’t even describe it as anything more than a rock-a-bye face crusher, and the very name seems to scream “backstage politics”. This is of course when he actually wins with his finisher, which usually gets used in conjunction with a cheat-to-win guitar over the head. The guy must own stock in Fender. Now, I’ve been harsh thus far, but realistically Jarret isn’t all bad. He is a heat magnet (obviously) even if it is that negative sort of heat, if there is such a thing. Yes, I hate the Jeff Jarrett character, but its for many of the same reasons so many people have come to hate HHH and JBL, that being as much for backstage politics as for actual character based hate. If nothing else, Jarrett gives TNA a champion who’s title matches will get watched. He’ll get the same sort of passionate hatred that Trips had during his 2001 run, mauling everybody on the roster as we cling to anybody who may stand a chance at beating him. Who might that be? Good question. I said after TNA went on the air on Fox Sports and demoted AJ Styles to the X division that they were going to attempt to re-hash the AJ Styles rise to the top phenomenon that captivated audiences two years ago, and I’m not entirely sure that’s not the case now. Raven, the former champion, is probably a smart move. He’s the man Jarrett just beat, and a intellectual “tweener”, not to mention a character that is in stark contrast to ANYTHING the WWE is offering, and I think that would be TNA’s best move at this point, to go out of their way to be different. Ron “The Truth” Killings is still my pick as champion, for several reasons, not the least of which is: He’s African-American. Now, I’m going to try like all hell to finally get out my racism column next week, one that I’ve been working on for quite sometime. But for now, suffice it to say that Truth is not only African-American, but he’s something unlike anything the WWE is advertising. He’s a black man that actually embodies his culture, unlike for example Shelton Benjamen, who is the “whitest” black character you’ll ever find. (More on this next week, I’m just teasing you). The point remains, that TNA has fumbled a huge opportunity. As the cliché goes, you only get one chance to make a good first impression. The advertising campaign has already begun on Spike TV and rather than continue to push their high-flying X-Division, with the “Phenomenal” AJ Styles as champion, and their strong tag-division, they are apparently once again placing the ball in the court of co-owner Jeff Jarrett. Viewers are going to tune in, once, to see what the fuss is about, to see what this new promotion is that Spike has the audacity to advertise during Raw. They’ll want to see the crazy-shit style that is in the commercials, and they’ll be attracted to the six-sided ring and the new breed of cruiserweight. But what they’re going to find is a generic looking white guy in the middle of the ring, with a big gold belt over his shoulder surrounded by cronies (America’s Most Wanted, the world’s best tag team turned Jarrett pawns) screaming on a mic about how he’s the best in the world and “king of the mountain” and blah blah blah. Boo I say. Boo. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch This is a tough call this week. I can‘t blame a hurricane can I? I mean, its not like it ever meant to hurt anybody, it was just doing a little spin-a-roonie, livin its life like the rest of us, I‘m sure it didn‘t mean to kill people and wipe out the Gulf Coast. How would you like if you‘re very existence ruined lives? (Mine does, ask my parents..they still call me “accident“) How about I just blame all those involved with the fuck up that is governmental handling of the Katrina situation. People are working very hard in that area, and while I’m not going to *quite* jump on the “bash-bush” bandwagon here, I can’t help but think YOU’RE THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT and everything that implies, you should have done more, and done it faster, rather than just axe a couple people at FEMA and blame them. Cannon Fodder Oooooh. In my old days when I was just a little baby Random-columnist I‘d have gone the cheap heat route here and handed this to the New Orleans residents. But I‘ve matured and won‘t do that here. Instead… Orlando Jordan has come to personify the word “jobber”. Don’t get me wrong. He’s not in Benoit’s league so I approve of the handling of this “feud”. But damn dude, 22 seconds? Everybody chant it with me now… “Foddddd-dddeerrrr”. Cheap Pop Big ups to….. Wait a second…. Nobody got the g‘damned quote? Ok, so I could be off on this, but I‘m pretty sure I never heard from anybody who got the quote last week. Damn, that’s a bitch. I think that’s the first time its ever went un-guessed. I know feedback was a little slow (like, I got a quarter of my usual, guess everybody forgets about me when I take time off) so instead of plugging somebody this week, maybe I‘ll just make a sort of vow to myself. See, The newest main pagers, Xan and Morpheus along with Ayatollah and myself all kinda go way back. There are plenty of others in the little clique (Monkey, where the hell ya been?) but its really cool to see a bunch of my “e” boys landing on the main page. All of this turnover has sort of reminded me of something though. I’ve sucked lately. Whereas I was once a voice for in opposition of all things suck, I am now that which I sought to destroy. So sorry kids, no “projects” this time, no crusades, just a simple vow of sorts. I am going to improve on things, as I’m letting a lot people down lately. Namely me. Outta Left Field Whoops. You all thought I was joking about the lack off feedback thing didn’t you? The “Random Acts of Wrestling” or RAW list of the top ten stories in wrestling is MIA this week. It will be back next week come hell or high water, but for now I don’t have enough votes to justify it. SEND IN YOUR TOP TEN FAVORITE STORIES IN WRESTLING RIGHT NOW Which means I get to jump back in time to the old section here, and hit you up with some news I’ve picked up off the wire. In lieu of WWE’s legal desires to rule the world, the following list of names and phrases are currently pending transaction. WWE, Inc is said to be very interested in obtaining these names/phrases in hopes of heading off future legal transgressions. “Cold Stone Beave Boston” “Rolled Bone Queef Caustin” “Yankee Doodle Dandee” Any combination of three letters consecutively such as “HHH” “PPP” or “FUV” “The Gay Way”, “I’m not gay” “Hollywood Lugie Haulkin” “Hurricane [x]” “The Cock” “The retarded Wonder” “Team Remedial” or “I’m not handicapped, I’m a big hair-ed mockery of wasted talent” “Wandy Orton” “Wooo” “Brother” “I pity the fool” “Filthy dirty, disgusting brutally bottom feeding trash bag ho” “Rock the Cock connection” “Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” “You Fucked up” “Holy Shit” “Ba-by Kill-er” “It Wasn’t My Fault” “It’s not my baby” and “Toe Sucker 3:16” “5 moves of doom” “Word Life” “Werd Life” “God Hates JC” “The Anti-push” “IWC” Obviously this is an incomplete list as there are literally an infinite amount of possibilities, however the WWE is of the belief that they can presently begin the process of copyrighting every word in the English language and may have this list potentially complete by the year 2045. The End. No mas. Here’s hoping you enjoyed this column, and I need to wrap it up and head home to watch my girlfriends softball tournament this weekend. Once again, congrats to my boys Xan and Morpheus for their promotions, truth be told I thought both of them would be up here before me, so its awesome to be joined by two of the better columnists you’ll find anywhere. Xan has a column up over on The Project’s site as well, so click the banner at the bottom and give a read to his column “The Rose”. With any luck things have calmed down a bit in Random-land so I should be able to get back to doing this weekly, hopefully in my new “end of the week” timeslot. Next week, I’m dying to finally put out that racism column I’ve been touting, but until then thanks for checking out Some Column Written Spontaneously and next time, get better seats. Click here to Email Randomguy#5! You'll hear back I promise.  It’s due for an update, but how many of you really went and listened to our suicide conversations and Jukebox’s Sex to Steak comparison? Give it a whirl, we’re recording a new episode next week.  Updates are slow but I’m getting better. Check out Xan’s “The Rose”. *NEW GALLERY* The AMAZING New Karen Angle Tease Photos!
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