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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Wednesday, August 17, 2005 at 9:38 PM EST
RWTB – Wevv Week – Kane’s House Greetings! Wevv Week keeps on rolling right along. Thanks again to the fine folks who took part in the TV installment. It was great having you. Quick Note: I’m trying to get to all my feedback. Thanks for taking the time to write, and I apologize for the delay in responses. I will get to it, but hopefully you understand why it might take some time. By all means, keep writing, but please, be patient when it comes to Wevvy responding. I’m only one man. With a busy schedule. Thanks again for the feedback and let’s get the show on the road, er, webpage. Now, it’s time to move on to the next segment. A really long edition of Kane’s House. Enjoy. Wevv Week Continues Kane’s House It’s late at night. All the houses in the neighborhood are darkened. In the midst of the quiet, a car pulls into Kane’s House. Out tumble Bossman, Big Show, and Kane, along with Chris Benoit and for some reason, Chuck Palumbo. In a matter of seconds, it’s clear that the group is a little drunk. Bossman carries a big trophy, and Big Show and Chris are singing. Kane is laughing and trying to walk straight, as he heads up the path to his house. Chuck: Man, what a game of mini golf! I’ve never seen anything like it! Chris: You guys were awesome! The look on JBL’s and Vince’s face when you got that hole in one on the eighteen green! Priceless! Big Show: You going to be OK Chris? Vince did promise revenge. Chris: No problem! I’m the Rabid Wolverine! Nothing can stop me! GRRROOWWWLLL! Bossman cracks up, along with the rest of the group. Kane is having trouble getting his key in the lock. Chuck: Hey Kane! Need some help? Kane: The house….keeps….moving… Chuck: Easy there Kane! You’re trying to start the house! HAHA! Big Show: You all right Kane? You look a little green. Kane: I’m not a drinker. Ever since that one fateful night, when I was coming back from the dance with Katie…..KATIE! WHY LORD WHY? That deer came out of nowhere! I swear it! And we were just about to, and I figured, hey, why not? She would want it that way… Bossman: WHOA! Too much information! Time to get you to bed, big guy! Amazing shot by the way. Never saw anyone handle the Stinkface Sandtrap like that. Chuck takes the key from Kane and opens the front door. The group files in. Bossman flicks on a light with familiarity. Chuck: I’ll see if he has any beer in his fridge. Big Show: Careful Chuck! I better come with you. You have no idea what Kane has in his fridge! Chuck: What? Every guy has beer in his fridge. Big Show: Chuck, let me tell you about your new friend here. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, just a little, how can I put this? Off? Chuck and Big Show head to the kitchen. Kane staggers to the couch, and flops down, and misses, landing on the floor. Bossman and Chris shake their heads and help Kane to his feet. Chris: OK Big guy, time to get you to bed! Kane: Gotta put my coat up first. Lita hates it when I leave my coat out. Bossman: Um, Kane, you’re not wearing a coat. Come to think of it, I’ve never seen you wearing so much as a shirt… Kane: Coat…Closet…Hang… Bossman: OK! Easy! We’ll hang your coat up. Chris, would you hang up Kane’s coat for him? Chris: Me? Bossman: Look, who’s holding up the really big guy who could puke at any second? Did I mention BIG GUY? Who had a lot of nachos tonight? Just hang up the damn “ coat”! Chris: Fine. Chris goes over to the closet and starts to open the door. Just then from the kitchen, a loud yell is heard, and a large man comes running into the living room with something stuck to his face. Big Show and Chuck run into the living room after the man. Man: AAAHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GETITOFFGETITOFF! Chris, looking at the man, opens the closet door by instinct and another man runs out. He promptly trips over the other man, who is writhing on the floor. Bossman: What the hell is going on? Who are these guys? Kane looks up and sees the men on the floor. Kane: YOU! I told you to stay away and now you’ll pay! Kane staggers to his feet, and sways as he raises his arms. He starts to windmill them as he falls over backward. A nearby plant starts to smoke. Bossman helps Kane gets to his feet. Chris: Easy Kane, you know these guys? Lita suddenly appears on the stairway. Lita: What is going on here?!? I told you, you big red freak to- Uh-oh. The men on the floor are pulled upright by Big Show and Chuck. One of the men is small in stature, but is instantly recognizable. Bossman: Matt Hardy? Matt: I can explain everything! Chris: Who’s the other guy? The other man finally pulls off the purple and green blob, and throws it across the room, where it scurries under the couch. Big Show: Edge?!? What are you doing here? Edge: I’ve been banging Lita behind the big red freak’s back for months! And Matt’s too! Kane groans. Matt: You son of a bitch! She’s mine! Edge: In your dreams pal! In reality, we’ve done things even porno movies wouldn’t show! Just then, a scream is heard from behind the couch and a large black man jumps up. He’s covered in tribal markings, a large moon painted on his stomach. A man in a mask jumps out from behind a lamp and grabs the big man. Chuck: Kamala and Kimchee too?!?! Man, you are one freaky broad! Bossman: Is there anyone else going to jump out at us? From behind the curtains, a hand emerges. The hand is attached to Randy Orton. Big Show: Randy too? Lita: I haven’t been sleeping with Randy! Edge: She hasn’t been sleeping with me either! HA! HA! Matt: You shut your filthy mouth you sumabitch, dadgummit! I’ll whipyourasssomethiniferce, I tell yawhut! Randy: Easy guys! I just like to watch. I’ll let myself out. He moves to the front door, where Bossman kicks him in the ass, and sends him flying. Kane:HOW COULD YOU? Lita: Shut up Kane. You kidnapped, brainwashed, and then raped me, remember? Kane: But you told me how to tie you up! You said to put the hood on you! You even gave me Viagra! Lita: So? I’m kinky. You’re still a freak. Edge: So are you baby! Let me tell you, this girl could suck a golf ball through a garden hose! In fact, I have it on tape! Matt: You shuddupp, you scumsuckingsumabitch! Matt tries to attack Edge, but Chuck and Big Show hold them apart. Lita comes down the stairs, and starts yelling as well. Matt: LITA! I love you! We were meant to be together! Lita: You never could satisfy me! You let this big red freak kidnap me! The things we did together! You have no idea! Edge: But I do! Man, this chick is freaky! Even more freaky than Val Venis’s sister! Hey, Val’s name rhymes with penis, so use your imagination! BOOL-YAH! Kane: Why? Why would you do this? Oh my darling Lita, I---I---urk! Kane starts to make gagging noises. Bossman: He’s going to blow! Matt and Lita stand face to face yelling at each other, while Edge stands behind a nervous Chuck, and throws in sexual innuendos. Kane is being sick and wailing pathetically, while unnoticed, Kamala and Kimchee sneak out the front door. Kimchee: Well, it was fun while it lasted. Maybe next time we can actually get some. Kamala: Oogah-Boogah boogah boogah. Kimchee: What? You actually got some? Kamala: Oogah! Kimchee: Humping the sofa cushion doesn’t count! Come on, we’ll try our luck at Farooq’s Tavern. Bossman, Chris and Big Show have a huddle, Big Show: We got to do something, we can’t leave them like this. Chris: Yeah, Kane is our friend! We have to help him somehow. Bossman: Well, I do have an idea. It’s so radical, and controversial, I’m not sure it can work. Chris, you take care of Edge. Hole up on the outskirts of town. Big Show, you take care of Kane and Lita. I’ll handle Matt. We’re both Southerners, and I can speak his language. I’ll make some calls tomorrow, and we’ll go from there. I know a guy who specializes in this kind of thing. If anyone can help it’s him. Later…. Outside a studio in a local television station. Edge: Hey man, I like being blindfolded, but not with a guy. Well, not just a guy, if you get my drift. Can I take it off now? Chris: Not yet. Just a little further. Trust me. Edge: Like I haven’t used that line before! HA! A production assistant approaches the men. PA: Can I help you folks? Chris: We’re here as part of the whisper*whisper*whisper* Edge: Bring on the hookers! PA: Ah, I see! Right this way. I’ll put you in green room #3. Edge: Hell yeah! Green Room! I like the sound of that! Very porno-riffic! Chris: Jesus Christ Edge. Meanwhile: Kane: You sure about this Big Show? Big Show: I’m sure Kane. It’s for the best. If we want to resolve this, you have to go through with it. Kane: OK, but I’m not sure I can handle seeing her! I’ve been such a wreck! I’ve been working non-stop since that night. It’s very peaceful in the morgue. Everyone listens to me and doesn’t put up a fuss. Maybe I should go back there! Big Show: Kane! You get your big red ass in the studio right now! Kane: Sniff! You sound just like Lita! OK Big Show, if it will get her back I’ll do it! Minutes Later: Big Show knocks on another dressing room door. He then enters. Big Show: You ready Lita? We’re on soon. Lita: I can’t believe I let you talk me into this! This is so humiliating! My god, I’m incredibly turned on! Big Show: Um, yeah. Lita: I think I’ll take a shower to cool down, unless you want to… Big Show: Um, NO. I know where Kane has been. Lita heads to the bathroom, while Big Show stands and breathes heavy for a while. A movement catches his eye. Big Show: HEY! Who’s there?!? A man emerges from the closet. Big Show: Randy! How did you get I here? Randy: I’ll just let myself out. He goes to the door, and Big Show kicks him in the ass as he leaves. Minutes later… The audience has filed into the studio, the techs are running around, making sure everything is ready, and then the countdown begins and the applause sign lights up, as the music hits and onto the stage, walks Dr. Phil.  Dr. Phil: Welcome ladies and gentlemen! On today’s show, we have a couple in trouble. Their relationship has fallen apart, and today, they have come to ME! Dr. Phil! To help them. Now, if you could turn to page 143 in my latest book, Dr. Phil Rules Your Life, Director: That’s Dr. Phil’s Rules FOR Life, Phil. Dr. Phil: Sorry folks, slip of the tongue. Anyhoo, if you would turn to page 143, you can see that I’ve written a very lengthily chapter on marriage and rules to help you through it. So, I am over qualified to help these people, but I will heal these people and put their lives back together for them, as only a benevolent god like me would do. Let’s meet these subjects of my divine grace. The music plays and out comes a bewildered Kane. He’s shirtless of course. Dr. Phil: You poor fellow, you can’t even afford a shirt. What is your name pathetic man? Kane: My name is Kane. Dr. Phil: And the healing has begun! I have helped this man to speak! The applause sign lights up. The crowd goes wild. Kane: Now Kane, if I understand your problem, and of course I do, you’re having martial problems. Kane: That’s right. Dr. Phil: Of course. My opinion is that you are having trouble performing sexually, and that your wife, Rita. Kane: Lita. Dr. Phil: Don’t correct me! NEVER CORRECT ME IN FRONT OF THE MARKS! I mean, it’s not polite to correct me when I’m speaking. Now, as I was saying, you can’t perform sexually, so your wife grew frustrated, and transferred her affections to another man. Isn’t that right? Kane: Well, No. Dr. Phil. Lita and I had a very satisfying sex life. She would beat me and I would tie her up and smell her, and then she would play dead and we would have hot monkey sex. I’ve done everything for that woman! I stalked her day and night! I would lie awake at night wearing only night vision goggles and watch her breathe! I would steal pieces of her clothing! I was even building a doll out of her clothes and used bits of her hair and toenail clippings! I even bathed in her urine! She was my everything! Dr. Phil:….. Kane: Help me Dr. Phil! Help me get my precious Lita back! I’m nothing without her! Dr. Phil: Now Kane, there is your problem right there! You are some body! You matter! You are a whole person and don’t need anyone to complete you! Except for me, of course. And I can be with you every day if you buy my book. Kane: But with Lita- Dr.Phil: Let’s not talk about Lita. Let’s talk about you! You have to believe in yourself! You need to have some confidence! If you want Lita back, you have to be strong! Now, let’s bring out Lita and hear what she has to say. Are you ready to be strong Kane? Kane: I am Dr. Phil. I’m ready. Dr. Phil: OK then. Let’s give a warm welcome to Lita! Lita comes out wearing low cut pants and a mesh top with a lime green bra. The crowd boos her. Dr. Phil: Thanks for coming Lita. I’ve spoken with Kane and know everything. Lita: Everything? Did he tell you about the time we went to graveyard and he showed me his old girlfriend? Did he tell you that he dug her up so we could have a threesome? Dr. Phil:… Lita: See! That’s just like him! Did he tell you about how we were going to have a child? And then Gene Snitsky- Gene: (From the audience) IT WASN’T MY FAULT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? JEEZ! LAY OFF ME ALREADY! Kane and Lita leap to their feet and yell simultaneously: Lita and Kane: GENE SNITSKY IS A DEAD MAN! They both look at each other and blush and look away. Dr. Phil: See, you two have bond that can’t be broken. Your hated of Gene Snitsky is still a bond between you. Is there anyway you two could get back together? Lita: I don’t want to be tied down anymore. Dr. Phil: I know you think that that Kane is holding you back but- Lita: No, I don’t want Kane to tie me up anymore. He doesn’t know how to tie the ropes just right. Kane was never an obstacle to seeing other people. He was so clueless, with his special projects in the basement, I could see whomever I want Kane: While I was working? You faithless whore! Dr. Phil: Let’s bring out a special guest now. One of Lita’s former flames. Bossman comes out on stage dragging a huge sack. Kane: NOT BOSSMAN! Bossman: Not me you stupid bastard! This little puke! Bossman opens up the sack and dumps out a bound and gagged Matt Hardy. Kane: Oh, it’s Matt Hardy. Whatever. Dr. Phil: Now, as our friend Bossman unties Matt, let’s talk about your relationship with Matt, Lita. I understand that you and he were an item for a long time, before you left him for Kane. Lita: It was puppy love. I had lived a party hardy lifestyle and with a name like Hardy, I thought he was like me. But he was just a friend. He never wanted to get it on like I like to. He was always into the cuddling and snuggling which is fine, but sometimes a girl likes to be *$#%#$ed. Dr. Phil: WHOA young lady! You can’t use language like that on my show! So, ahem, matt was a boyfriend, more friend than lover. You craved excitement, excitement you apparently found with Kane. Lita: Oh, Kane was exciting, always coming up with these weird games. But I just got tired of the weirdness. Once we were married it just became a routine. So I had to find sex where I could. Which was outside the house. I had to get my itch scratched and Kane was too busy with his work and Matt was such a pussy, that I needed a real man to take care of MY business. Dr. Phil: Which brings us to our next guest. Please welcome Edge! Edge comes onstage, with Benoit leading him. Benoit removes the blindfold, and looks around. Edge: Alllllrighht! I like this game! Hey, are you taping this? Cool! Like Pam and Tommy, only with an audience! Awesome! Baby, you are one twisted freak! I LOVE it! So, when does this orgy start? Dr. Phil: Young man, there isn’t going to be an orgy! We’re here for counseling! Edge: Like phone sex? Dr. Phil: NO! Edge: Dammit! You lied to me Benoit! Dr. Phil: Sit down! OBEY! Dr. Phil’s massive head swells and pulses. Edge suddenly looks glazed and sits down in the chair. Dr. Phil: You people didn’t see anything! Everyone: We…didn’t…see…anything Dr. Phil: That’s right. Now Edge, you were saying how you had no trouble betraying your friend and sleeping with his wife. Edge: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kane and I aren’t friends! I just know the guy! Sure, he was at my wedding, which didn’t work out. I mean really, you marry a porn star’s sister, you have certain expectations you know? Her brother is a porn star after all, but that’s two wives ago. So when I ran into Lita, we hit it off. I could tell she was looking for it, and baby, I GOT IT! So we did it right there in the clothing section of McMahon mart. The thrill of doing it in front of all those people was so #^$%#ing HOT! She was willing to do things I had only read about! Man, it was some hot nookie! And Kane? Come on look at the guy. He doesn’t even wear a shirt for crying out loud! Talk about clueless! Kane: I’ll KILL YOU AND SKULLF*#$ YOUR CORPSE! Don’t think I won’t! I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again! Edge: WHOA! Hold on their big guy! I’m into a lot of things, but that’s out of my league! You really are a super freak! I can see why Lita stayed with you. So listen my man, how bout we share her? She’s freaky enough for both of us. What do you say baby? Lita: I’m into that. It could be fun. Matt: Lita, what are you saying? What about us? WE laughed and cried together! Who was there to hold your hand when you broke your neck? Who helped you get through your knee injury? Who washed your under things with that fabric softener you like? Edge: Hey, thanks man, when I’m really horny and we can’t wait to do it, sometimes I just pull those things aside and slam it home. I never get chafed. Not once. Matt: You shuddup you sackofstinkycarap! I’lldragwyouwithmypickupover ahillofporcupinewquills andthey’ll rip yourballsrightoff! Dr. Phil: Easy son! I speak Southern! People, people, people, let’s all just calm down now! You people aren’t thinking things through! What kind of life are you going to live together? You need to be told what to do! I, Dr. Phil, am the person you should be listening too! Now, sit calmly and let me talk this out for you. Dr. Phil: Now, it’s painfully obvious to me that you people are all dysfunctional. Especially you Bossman. Bossman: Me? What did I do? I haven’t said a damn thing! Dr. Phil: Dr. Phil knows all! You people are all dysfunctional! The only solution is for you to get in touch with your inner humanity. Humanity that you have buried under your creepy ways! You have lost touch with those around you and let the situation deteriorate into this confusing, perverted mess you see before you today. Look at yourselves. Look at each other! You’re all freaks. Especially Bossman. Bossman: keep it up fat boy and I’ll glue your lips to Oprah’s ass! You’re messing with the wrong man! Dr. Phil: SILENCE! There is only one solution to this problem. And you can find it in yourself, but I will do it for you. Lita, I’m sending you to Slut Camp. Edge: OH GOD! Slut camp? There is such a place? Hey, I’m a slut! Can I go? Dr. Phil: Lita, I’m sending you to Paris Hilton’s Slut Camp, where you can get in touch with your inner slut and use your sluttiness to become famous for no reason other than being a slut and live a productive life on TV making mindless drivel and filling gossip writers columns. Kane, I’m going to send you to Freak Camp. Edge: Oh GOD! Freak camp! Like sex freaks! Hey, I’m a sex freak! Send me! Dr. Phil: Yes Kane, freak camp. There you can be the twisted deviant you are without fear of being judged by the normal people of the world. There your huge freakish self can get into touch with your inner freak and when the time is right, you can return to the world that has wronged you and wreak your terrible vengeance on us, those who have laughed at you. Matt, I have a soft spot for fellow Southerners, so I’m sending you to the Dr. Phil Life Affirmation course, where you can learn to control your wild tongue and speak like a southern gentleman, instead of mush mouthed redneck fresh off the farm and learn when to keep your mouth shut. Edge- Edge: (his whole body crossed and his eyes closed tightly) Come on Slut camp! Dr. Phil: I’m sending you to Slut Camp- Edge: YES! Edge gets up and starts high-fiving Benoit, Bossman, and Big Show, who look repulsed. Dr. Phil: For Men! Edge stops, and Matt jumps up and slaps his hand and laughs in his face. Dr. Phil: Where you will learn to be a male slut, used and abused by bitter ex-wives, and old crones. There you will learn to speak only when spoken too, and if you’re lucky gets a piece of some horny eighty-year-old broad's will. If you don’t get fall and get sued and abused by the gay community after getting a horrible venereal disease. Dr. Phil: And that takes care of everyone’s problems and in six weeks, we have another show! Voice: Not so fast! I have something to say! Dr. Phil: Who dares interrupt the great Dr. Phil when he has solved these peoples problems and must plug his book, his son’s book, his cat’s book, and tell people to worship him? Man: ME! VINCE MCMAHON! A spotlight comes on and lights up Vince, who walks down to the stage, while “No Chance In Hell Plays.” He grabs a mic from a frightened tech and takes the stage. Dr. Phil: It looks like you got a bad case of hemorrhoids. I can cure that you know, as I am Dr.- Vince: NOBODY! I’m Vince McMahon dammit, and I run this show! Now, Dr. Phil, you may have put this whole angle to bed, but I don’t want it to go to sleep yet! You see, when Edge and Lita had sex in my store, word got around. Everyone was talking about these people having sex in my store. Customers came from miles around! They may not have bought anything, but they were in my store. And that’s all that matters to me. My store is the lifeblood of this town, and that makes me the most powerful man around here and what I say goes. And what I’m saying is, things are going to keep on going like they are. Only now, that everyone knows, there are going to be some changes. And Chris Benoit, I guaranteed, that I would have my revenge. Chris: Mr. McMahon, I tried my best, please, don’t do it! Vince: Oh, I’m going to do it! No one tells me no! But first, we have to keep this story going. WE need to spice things up around here. So, what Vince wants, Vince gets! And what Vince wants is…Something Special. But we’ll get to that. Vince: But before we get to the big BANG, Ha ha, I want to deal with you Chris Benoit! I told you to win and we lost. You embarrassed everyone with your pathetic putting performance! Now, I told you if we lost, I would tell the WHOLE WORLD what you have kept hidden for so long. But tonight! The world will finally see what kind of man you are! Let’s fire up the old big screen shall we? Chris: No Vince Don’t! I’ll be ruined! Vince: You let me down and like I’ve crushed everyone else in the retail business, I’LL CRUSH YOU! ROLL THE FOOTAGE! On the big screen, a video of Chris Benoit plays. The footage is grainy, and dark, but the scene can still be made out. The scene is a bedroom. Chris stops at the foot of a bed and the voice of Chris can be heard. Chris: You think you’re so cute and innocent do you? Well, it’s time for this RABID WOLVERINE to have some fun! The video Chris rips off his shirt and falls onto the bed, where a gaggle of cute and fuzzy kittens scamper over to him. Chris is seen laughing as the kittens lick him and he cuddles them, and coos to them in a decidedly unwolverine like way. The video jumps to a scene of a backyard, where Chris is seated at a tiny table and chair play set. Puppies, wearing hats, are seated in the chairs and goofily grinning Chris is pouring them imaginary tea. Back in the studio, Chris has fallen to his knees and is sobbing uncontrollably. Vince: YOU SEE! YOUR MERCILESS KILLER IS A BIG SOFTY! HAHAHAHA! SUFFER CHRIS BENOIT! SUFFER! Now, you know what would make this night even better? What Vince Wants, Vince gets, and what Vince wants right now is......... BUKAKE! BUKAKE! RIGHT HERE AND NOW! ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! Dr. Phil: What the hell is Bukake? Vince leans over and whispers in his ear. Dr. Phil turns bright red, and starts to stammer. Vince motions for a tech to take Dr. Phil away. Dr. Phil is saying no over and over again, but is too stunned to stop the techs. Lita: Well, it won’t be the first time. Big Show is mouthing the word Bukake, and looks puzzled. A buzz has broken out in the audience. Lita: OK Vince, I’ll be ready soon, just let me take this top off, it’s my favorite, and I don’t want it ruined. Vince: Oh no Lita, You won’t be the target. KANE will be the target! Kane, Bossman, Lita, Edge: WHAT????? Vince: I’m Vince McMahon Dammit! Do what I say! Kane, get on the floor! Line up everyone! Make a circle! Come on! Let’s get this going! Kane: What is Bukake? Will it be fun? Big Show: Just close your eyes Kane. Just…close your eyes. As the credits roll. And the audience lines up and starts dropping their pants, the voice of Gene Snitsky can be heard. Snitsky: Dibs on his feet! And the screen fades to black. And that's a wrap. Coming Friday, the Over-Analyzing Special. See you then. Wevv Week continues. QUICK PLUGS! The Movie Bar! The Movie Bar Forums The Project LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum! LOP's Very Own PWA, Best E-Fed on the net. Period. Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com Please label all email FEEDBACK. Stacy Keibler and Friends on the Beach Playing Volleyball!
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