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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, July 31, 2005 at 8:00 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – A Happy Outlook Greetings! Welcome back to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman! The column H always reads when he’s on break at his desk job. It’s been another wacky week of wrestling. There was a PPV that was considered sub-par, and then there was Raw, which is making people in Titan Towers shake their heads and then to cap it off, there was Smackdown. And the Boogie Man has a new teaser. Lovely. But this week, instead of being just another negative Nancy, let’s try and look on the bright side and see if we can find something positive about WWE for a change. So, let’s put on those rosy colored glasses, get all liquored up, and try to make the best of it. Ready? No, well try smoking something and see if that helps, cuz away we go. Great American Bash Recap info provided by Carl Walsh Didn’t see it, so I will go out on a limb and say it was great. GREAT I tell ya! Most amazing show I never saw! We got new champs, Old Warrior Animal and Cole Rapist Heidenreich! Lock up the kids, the New Road Warriors are coming to town! Eddie and Rey are still fighting! Yipppee! THREE MORE MONTHS! THREE MORE MONTHS! The Undertaker stopped terrorism dead in it’s tracks! He took every single terrorist in the world out! OK, that’s not positive. That seems like sarcasm. So, let’s try again, shall we? I will not comment on the PPV anymore. Never mind the angles that were, we’re starting fresh, right? Summerslam is just around the corner, so all the important angles should have finished by now, since it looks like the new angles from the draft are being rolled over and the ones before the draft are still being played out. So let’s save that for the Smackdown recap. Raw Recap provided by Carl Walsh Well, I missed the beginning of Raw. I guess that’s the price you pay when you work late, and have a new position, and the grace period ends. But that’s not a bad thing, that’s a good thing. Moving on up! Ah DDP, I miss him on TV. Not wrestling, but the guy had charisma. He’d make a great manager. But back to the show. Kurt Angle Invitational. So, I didn’t actually see the skit, but I read the recap. Eugene returned, and is apparently being managed by Kristy. This is good. Eugene was a goofy character that worked. But from what I read, it seems like Eugene is no longer doing the chain wrestling that won him over with the net crowd, but the punch and kick crap that stalled his rise. But the bright side is, if he’s going to wrestle Angle, then guess what? We got a guy who can really wrestle vs. a guy who at least at one time, could really wrestle. That is cool. If Eugene imitates Angle, well now, we got ourselves some kick ass wrestling, with a light hearted tone, and a hot chick. What’s not to like? SO what if it’s not for a title, that can come later, when folks see these two wrestle. It’s a good stalling angle until the main event scene clears up. Well, at least that’s my hope. So, something to look forward to on Raw. Positive? Yeppers. Homos, Midgets and a Fat Guy To Hump Them You know, Vis used to be cool, until the homo antics took over. Poor Pitbull, you made Vis a star and got fired for it. But that’s not positive. What’s the positive? Well, it seems that camp, as in Batman Forever camp, with plenty of groin shots and midgets named after parts of the body can have some nice homoerotic fun. Oh, and for the record: clo·a·ca P Pronunciation Key (kl-k) n. pl. clo·a·cae (-s) 0. A sewer or latrine. 0. Zoology. ?. The common cavity into which the intestinal, genital, and urinary tracts open in vertebrates such as fish, reptiles, birds, and some primitive mammals . The posterior part of the intestinal tract in various invertebrates. I knew I had heard that phrase before. High School Anatomy class hijinks. Nothing more need be said. Well, except that for the new few weeks, plenty of guys who calling each other clocoa in front of teachers, and it quickly faded when we had to explain what it meant. Nothing ruins a joke like having to go into a detailed explanation of why it’s funny. And the other guy can go “Oh, so I’m an asshole? Trust a homo like you to know about guy’s ass!” So, trust the WWE writers to know about the inner workings of a man’s ass. Next up? Prostate Man! Positive: Well, I did get to make fun of WWE creative, so POSITIVE! Shelton Benjamin and Bisch See, Shelton can stand toe to toe with Bisch. I didn’t expect that, so Shelton’s showing some mettle. Finally. That’s a plus. Maria and Jericho Nicely done and Maria has gotten a lot better. Did you see that mic work? She kept that mic right in front of Jericho the whole time and was actually anticipating where he would turn his head. Great work. Her ditz material needs some work, but she’s doing very well with what’s she’s given. Jericho was on the money. This feud is building nicely, but he needs some wins, as does Cena to make this the main event it should be. Even if it’s just jobbers, if they have a chance to put themselves over and build on those victories, it will give them a lot of credibility, something that is being questioned. Battle of the Bands Only Cena Played. POSITIVE! Just kidding. The guy who was doing the scratching needs to just chill the hell out. Maybe that’s the thing to do, but us non-rap fans, all six of us, it probably annoyed the hell out of me. I like the song, but all those scratches over it, just made it seem like they were trying way too hard. Then Jericho didn’t play, and had a damn good reason not to. Well done. Divas Search The point of the Hot Dog eating contest was to get the chicks to throw up since WWE loves that sort of thing. The chicks kept their food down, which is a plus. Sadly, this was not a good segment. They can’t all be winners. HBK He’s a heel and a damn good one. Those backstage bits are excellent. I find the guy very easy to hate, and enjoying the fact that he can irritate me. Odd, no? But when he talks, man the guy bores me to tears. Hulk Hogan is a jerk. Hulk Hogan keeps people down. Hulk Hogan is a Prima Donna. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, Yeah and HBK wasn’t? But the end was solid and yes, that is the track to take. Evidence? Silence. Until that moment, folks seemed bored. Shawn, you’re not even denting Hogan’s reputation. Be yourself, or the self that Bret Hart thinks you are. Be that guy. The egotistical, self-important dick. The annoying prick. The guy who doesn’t talk so much, but makes the goofy faces. That guy. I’m sure you know what I mean. That’s the guy who will gets fans booing you, and your fans, the millions of web marks, booing you as well, but with smiles on their faces. Time for a Tangent At a Raw show in Phoenix, a few years back, when HBK was facing Benoit, there were a couple of guys a few rows ahead of me. I could hear them talking and they were saying how they hated HBK. But when HBK came out a weird thing happened. They sang along to “Sexy Boy”, and I swear, they knew all the words. Edge vs Kane A great match. Great intensity. Kane lost, which isn’t a positive to me, but he did get to beat up Edge and kidnap Lita. So that’s a good thing, Kane getting some measure of revenge. And no Matt Hardy, which I consider a positive. Carlito vs Cena OK match as it was slower paced. Both guys have a style that really doesn’t compliment each other. Jericho was ref and got to kick Cena in the balls. That’s a positive. Carlito got the pin, and that’s good too. The slow build continues. Smackdown I missed the beginning of Smackdown as well. It really was one of those weeks. Bradshaw vs Teddy So, the Number One contendership is up in the air? Undertaker might not get the shot? Interesting. Who has the most backstage stroke, right there, in a Number One Contenders match. Interesting, only not to watch, but to see who wins and how. OJ and Christian vs Booker and Benoit Good match, but it seemed rushed near the end. OJ has his shoulder bandaged, so that he can lose with an excuse. Christian was more intense than usual, and Booker seemed pissed off. The end was Christian walking off while OJ got pinned. Not the best of finishes. Sidetrack You know, I think OJ is going to be one hell of a locker room politician some day. He got to beat Benoit, he’s held onto the title for a long time, he got to make fun of a writer in a meeting, and he’s hanging with Taker and JBL. OJ, the next Kevin Nash. Heidenreich, Road Warrior Stalker Heidy says he can’t replace Hawk and Animal said he knows, but there’s some tasty young boys in the front row that need to be stalked. Hey, it was short, and that’s a plus. Heidy and Animal vs Jobbers. Another record breaking short match. MNM What the fuck? Jillian Hall. Why? Is it funny? I see no humor in it, other than at the people who think it’s a good idea. What kind of morons, never mind…we know all too well. Eddie Tells All SO, the final chapter in this story comes to a close, as we learn whom Dominick’s real father is…. IT’S HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN! HOOOO! FUCK YEAH! EXTREME TO THE MAX! That guy sure gets around. But honestly, it’s not over yet. Why? No idea? What can they do now? Bring Rey’s wife into it I guess, though I’m sure no one is clamoring for that. Maybe have Dominick turn on Rey, since that would be predictable. Who cares? Not me? THREE MORE MONTHS! THREE MORE MONTHS! Melina vs Torrie Jillian is at ringside and the cameraman makes sure to get a good shot of the Indian corn glued to the side of her face. It’s so big it’s obviously fake and all you can wonder about is why the hell some one would think that’s real. I mean really, you have these hot chicks in the ring, so why not one more? Dye her hair red to make her different, or even purple, or green, but a huge, obviously fake, not funny growth, to make her ugly and weird, and dare I say it, even creepy as opposed to hot, marketable, or even sexy? I just don’t get it. Well, it worked for Matt Morgan and Heidenreich, so what do I know. Regal vs Scotty2Hotty And once again, Regal gets the night off. No match for Regal, hell no, he’s a locker room leader! Wrestling? What’s that? The Mexicools Attack! Viva Los Nachos! -I’ll talk about this some more in OAW. Bradshaw vs Undertaker It was a punch and kick wet dream. Two guys, neither of who sell, who have a limited offense, having a long match. I’d even go so far to say that Undertaker has the better moveset, using actual wrestling moves from time to time. Still it was a match that had some intensity, lots of outside cheating from Orlando, and some foreign objects, and maybe a sixteen-ton weight or three to put the Undertaker down. Then Randy Orton ran in, and laid out Taker and placed JBL on top for the pin. You know, I’ve realized that I mostly skim over Smackdown, and don’t go as in-depth as I do on Raw. I wondered about it and maybe it’s because I look at the page count and think to myself, better wrap this up. Maybe it’s because Smackdown has very little to hold my attention. Maybe it’s because Smackdown has nothing on it that I like in terms of angles. So, to test this theory, I think I’ll do Smackdown first next week and see what happens. I mean really, Smackdown is the show that is freshest, but I’ve had more time to digest Raw and forget the lesser parts of that Show, while Smackdown, just stinks up the place. Damn, that’s not positive at all. Time for something positive about Smackdown. JBL is in charge of Smackdown, make no mistake about it. It’s his show. Undertaker just got put into place and his payola is Randy Orton, who will be squashed good this time. He’s the new Hardy Boys for Undertaker. Batista is still champion, and will be jobbing to Bradshaw at SummerSlam. OK, running out of possibilities. OK, got one. Torrie Wilson is back on TV and working with that sexy honey Melina. There. That’s a positive right there. Kane’s House It’s a beautiful Saturday at Crash Holly’s Putt-Putt and Pizzeria. A hearse pulls into the busy parking lot and Kane, Bossman, Lita, and Kurt Angle get out and start walking to the entrance. Kane: So what is this place? Bossman: (Who is wearing his El Grande Bossman mask) It’s a mini golf course. Don’t you know what mini golf is? Kane: No. Kurt: Don’t worry Bossman, with me on your team, we’re sure to win the JBL Open. That trophy will be mine! Big Show: And your share of the free pizzas will be MINE! Lita: And the fact that we’re finally out of the house and doing something social is enough for me. I can’t stand being locked up with you, you big red retard! Bossman: Now, team, we have to work together if we want to win. There is going to be some stiff competition. There’s the Five Time Hole in Ones, The Five Star Putters, PWO or Putting World Order, and the two teams to really watch out for, the Unemployed and the Cabinet. But we can take those bastards. I know we can. And then the $50 gift certificate to McMahon Mart will be ALL MINE! The group moves to the registration desk, where a surprising lack of line is noticed. Bossman leans in to ask the attendant: Bossman: Where is everyone? Attendant: We had some cancellations. A team called the Ho Train signed up to play this year. And well, when it came time to sign up, they all went missing. Their captain said they had other business to take care of and dropped out. Big Show: So, we win? Attendant: No, beside you, there are still three teams in the tournament. Kurt: Who’s left? Attendant: The Unemployed, The Chicks, and the Cabinet. The Unemployed couldn’t afford the services of team Ho-Train and the Cabinet, well, you know….Needless to say, there were no guys on Team Ho-Train, other than the Godfather. And the Chicks, well, they didn’t go for it, those I really wished they would. You should have seen those girls. MMM-MM, oh yeah! If I wasn’t working today, I wouldn’t be here, that’s for sure! Team El Grande signs up and makes their way through the turnstile and onto the course. Inside it’s hodge podge of weird structures and twisting putting lanes. Just inside the door, a man in a clown suit greets them. Kane freaks out. Kane: AHHH! CLOWN! I HATE CLOWNS! Kane tackles the man and starts pounding on him. Big Show and Bossman pull Kane off of the man, who struggles to run away. Bossman: What’s gotten into you?!? Kane: I hate clowns! They scare me more than anything! Keep them away from me! If I see one, I never know how I’ll react! Lita: All this time, all I had to do was put on some clown make-up and you would have left me alone? DAMMIT! Kurt: Snap to Kane! We got a trophy to win! Big Show: Yeah, and free pizza! Lita: Yeah! And I don’t want to go home! Kane: Ok, I’ll try to keep it under control. Voice: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the dirty slut who likes to sleep with freaks. Hello, Lita. Lita: Well, if it isn’t the expert in sleeping with freaks, slime balls, and everything in between, Miss Super Slut, Trish Stratus! How are you dear? You look well rested. Christy:So do you honey. After all, you’ve been spending all that time on your back! Lita: Is that you Christy? I can’t tell. That glare from your forehead is blinding me! Just then a voice from behind rings out. Bradshaw: All right, settle down ladies! Get your panties untwisted, it’s time to play some golf! SO, it’s just us versus the two ladies team huh? Should be a quick tournament. Chuck Palumbo: HEY! Three teams jerkwad! We’re in this tournament too! Bradshaw: Who said that? Must be a ghost. I swear I can smell garlic. Must be all those tasty pizzas from the LAST TIME I WON! AHAHAHA! Matt Morgan: Shove it j-j-j-j-j-j-JERK! The rest of team Cabinet files out. SO mutters circle round as Vince takes his place beside Bradshaw, along with Orlando, and Chris Benoit. Bossman: HEY! What are you doing here Chris?!? You said you couldn’t play today. Benoit: I’m sorry BM- Bossman: SHH! It’s El Grande Bossman! Benoit: Sorry EL G, but I had to play for the Cabinet! They have some incriminating pictures that if they got out would ruin my reputation! I have no choice! I’ll try to go easy on you, but I have to win! Bradshaw: Chris! Get away from those losers! And some one get those crazy bitches apart! It’s time to get this tournament underway! Let the Games Begin! Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Being Positive Maybe it’s me. Maybe the truth is that I’m just not quick enough to keep up with WE creative. Maybe their sense of humor is more refined than mine. Maybe the jokes are just going over my head. Maybe the angles are too complex for me to follow, which is causing me a sense of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Maybe, just maybe, WWE creative is better than me at writing. It’s a possibility. I’m not in their 18-34 demo that they used to cater to so well. I’m older than that. Maybe age has dulled my sense of what is hip and cool. When stuff like MTV’s Wondershowzen can be picked up for another season, all I do is shake my head and wonder “what the hell?” Maybe WWE’s style of creepy and freaky angles is what the real audience wants. I mean, they still have a core audience of roughly 4 million viewers. They do huge business overseas. Maybe WWE does have it’s finger on the pulse of the wrestling fans. But then again, maybe not. For a couple of years now there has been a complaint against the IWC that they are too negative. Yet still they tune in, week after week. It’s easy to bash a product, than to say wonderful things. Even in spite of the desire to separate yourself from the pack by writing positive things. Writing this column, I used a lot of sarcasm to help me try and stay positive. I tried to look for the best, and took the easy route and used tongue in cheek humor to make the positive a joke in some cases and a pipe dream in others. Why? Because coming out and saying that the New Road Warriors are good makes one look like a retard. Eddie and Rey have pushed this angle long past it’s shelf life and saying that it’s a great piece of drama is a joke. Is the acting well done? On Eddie’s part, he’s been phenomenal. The man has raw talent to spare. But that doesn’t make the angle good. It’s stale and predictable. It’s just not what folks want to see. They tune in for Eddie because the fans like Eddie. They want to see Eddie. Now, and I keep saying this, if Eddie was actually doing something worthwhile, just how great would that success be? How huge would the ratings grow? How many people would stick around to see what else the show has to offer? And if the next bit was half as good? The show would grow. But then again, maybe this angle does appeal to folks with kids, and Latinos, and other demographics that I am not part of. Being positive and looking on the bright side of wrestling just takes way too much work. It’s not that folks are just generally negative, it’s that they can figure out that trying to find something to be positive about shouldn’t be that much work, and it’s frustrating. Fans expect different things from wrestling. Some expect nothing but pure wrestling, while others want more angles that are getting short timeslots, and others want so and so to be pushed to the moon, and so forth and so on. Quick Tangent GET BACK TO WORK H! Now where was I? Oh yes. Can WWE give fans what they want? The quick and easy answer is yes, they can, but they don’t. Why? It doesn’t fit their framework. Case in point: The Boogeyman. This guy has taken the net by storm. A mere description of what he looked like and the guy is the biggest joke around. And he hasn’t even shown up on TV yet. One picture, and the net went nuts. He really is a joke. Only he wasn’t supposed to be. He was supposed to be scary. He was supposed to be a monster that had people afraid to set foot in the building. Now, there are signs popping up making fun of him, on the off chance the guy shows up that night. In the LOP WWE forums, there is a thread that is four pages long! For a guy who has yet to make his debut! He’s a punch line to columnists everywhere. It’s amazing the amount of press this guy has gotten. But it’s not the kind of press WWE was looking for. But it happened. It’s there, and it’s not going to go away. Now, when the guys does show up on TV it will haunt him. Not in a spooky way either. And there it is. WWE had a plan for a new character. Something to get the guy over. And he is over. Folks are eager to see him. Just to make fun of him. And this case illustrates the difference between what the WWE creative department thinks fans want and what fans think of such ideas. Now, there is probably a frantic scramble to salvage the gimmick. When Boogieman does appear, it won’t be with the horns and the staff. It will be something different. Or, WWE can stick to their guns and try to force fans to accept the angle. Which do you think will happen? Now, when the chants of Papa Shango ring out and they will, because it’s a fun and easy chant and fans will think they’re smart for chanting it, will WWE pull a Matt Hardy? Because that was another fun and easy chant that made fans feel smart. And it did get Matt Hardy back on TV. And he lasted two weeks before vanishing without a word of explanation. Just…..gone. So it’s easy to be positive about the Boogeyman. He’s going to be great fodder for many columnists when he does appear. The expectation is that he will fail in a spectacular fashion. He’s a joke that net fans around the globe can share. He will suck. We telling you so. Then it will be, “He sucks, we told you so.” Everyone will laugh and then Marti Wright won’t go away, and will linger like a nasty fart, until you get used to seeing him on TV and accept that fact that he’s just another goof. Like Heidenriech. Like Snitsky. Like masters is going to be. Like Orlando already is. Filler. Because that seems to be what WWE thinks folks want. Something to fill the void between the same four guys who have been headlining the declining house show business for three years. And the impotent rage of the Internet fan base will once again shift to the one thing most casual fans agree that they want. Hot chicks. That’s it for today. No news blurbs, as it’s time to put this puppy to bed, so it’s quick plugs and I’m outta here to start another grueling week of work. Just in time too, as my positive energy just vanished with the tail end of that sentence. QUICK PLUGS! The Movie Bar! The Movie Bar Forums The Project LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum! LOP's Very Own PWA, Best E-Fed on the net. Period. Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com Please label all email FEEDBACK. *NEW GALLERY* Very Rare Photos from MR. KENNEDY'S WEDDING!
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