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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Sunday, July 31, 2005 at 5:56 PM EST
"These giraffes you sold me, they won‘t mate. They just walk around, eating and not mating. You sold me…queer giraffes. I want my money back." Welcome to the column growing faster than that thing on Jillian‘s faceThe Nosebleed Section! I am the facial wart of the Lop main page, Randomguy#5, and like Jillian, I too am willing to do anything to entertain you, even if that means attaching the world’s largest piece of parrot poop to my cheek. On a side note, did you know that Jillian’s facial-wart thing holds a pinfall victory over The Undertaker? So about a month ago I took this position writing at everybody here, getting the big call up from the columns forum, and I had a lot of advice thrown my way. Some I asked for, some I valued, some I could give two shits about and haven’t followed yet. One thing I found very entertaining, is when Daveyboy (an author I’ve read for a long time and who’s work I enjoy and respect) told me after my first column that I should probably take the time to introduce myself a bit, which I had never done, and don’t really intend to. See, it’s a popular opinion that readers care about the lives of the those who’s opinion they read and many authors touch on it occasionally (it’s what’s known in some circles as “The Lop style, though the kayfabe of columnists says I shouldn’t mention that). Anyway, my point is that while I will dabble in my world a bit, I don’t intend to really push it, and I’m trying to get away from doing it as much as I have in the past unless it somehow ties into the column a bit. However, I imagine a paragraph (or two as its turned into) wouldn’t be too awful for those of you curious. For those who aren’t, I’d advise skipping the next paragraph. Without delving too deep, I’m nearing 23 years old and am currently a student working towards my bachelors degree in Education. I was lucky enough to achieve a temporary certification to teach in my state (Missouri) and subsequently work as a teacher and football coach at the local Middle school, where I teach Social Studies. I’ve been writing here at Lop off and on for the better part of nearly 3 years now, though my occasional absences while writing in the forums kinda drove down the number of columns I should have written by now. Forgive me for having attempting to have a life outside this site. I lied skimmers, skip this next paragraph too My work in the forums took me in a lot of different directions, not the least of which is the creation of The Project and subsequently Project Radio which are the banners you see at the end of all my columns. I developed a very serious interest in internet behavior (the sociologist in me coming out) and the power the internet wields on the individual. Subsequently, I developed this vague, floating set of evolving ideals that is typically too serious even for my own taste, but often provides people with an excellent release for creative juices, that can be poisonous to one’s health if left to build up inside. Bah, maybe I’ll just update my journal on The Project’s website, so if you want to know anything else about me or that stuff, email me or look there. Something tells me I’d better start talking about wrestling before I anger the powers that be and large men in black suits and dark sunglasses with badges that say “Lop Internal Affairs” come to my door and carry me away to some secret compound where Tito will torture me as Wevv cleans the toilets. --I’m a huge fan of the whole business of working the IWC that seems to be all the rage in the WWE nowadays. The worked shoots of Matt Hardy, RVD, the entire ECW angle, and most recently Shawn Michaels’ promo on Raw are a wonderful way of opening up to a loyal fan base, and it certainly has people talking. I’ll probably write a column in the future about it, but right now everybody seems to be doing so around the ‘net, so suffice it to say that I’m a fan of the whole concept. The world needs a little more honesty, and it really wouldn’t hurt wrestling either. --Would anybody be interested in my writing about TNA? I’m out of the loop with that promotion, but supposedly their online Impact isn’t bad, and I’m likely viewing a few of them in the next week or two in an effort to get back into the show a bit. Would it be worth my writing about? Email and let me know. Please. -- I miss Paul Heyman. --Muhammad Haasaan’s situation is one that I can’t quite get my head around. It too, has been written to death, but it deserves it. Personally, it seems to me like the higher ups at UPN and apparently WWE are so afraid of offending somebody that they’ve lost their nerve just when the character was gaining momentum. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in spite of it’s unique presentation, wrestling is still fiction and an angry arab character, even one that may have been performing terrorist acts, is not unique at all in other works of fiction. But because WWE television is under-produced compared to movies and other television programs, and made to appear more “real” somehow the angle is more offensive to people. Bullshit. The real bitch of the situation is that Haasaan’s character was actually going somewhere, and the man who played that character (I believe his name is Mark Copani) is getting screwed out of a gimmick that was becoming successful. I understand people’s feelings, and I respect that. This situation however, has been handled wrong. Perhaps not for the reasons I’ve stated, and I certainly don’t have the solutions, but I know injustice when I see it, and I say this was a mistake. I probably won't write a full column on this, but if you want to read a very very stimulating column regarding this situation, check out The Northern Star: United Purifying Natzis by Xanman. It's an awesome read, even if you don't agree with his sentiments in it. Every now and again, I get these wild hairs where I want to talk about two (or sometimes three) topics in one column. Since most people don’t enjoy reading 15 page columns, and I certainly don’t enjoy writing them, I find it beneficial to all parties involved if I choose topics that have things in common and unleash my drivel regarding them in one fell swoop. So for today, I’m going to do what many of you have been clamoring from me via email since I started here, and that is discuss something a bit more contemporary. Nearly five months ago (God has it been that long?) the WWE took a significant left turn, and put each show’s respective Heavyweight Title on a new up-and-coming superstars who despite drastically different buildups and stark character contrasts, had one thing in common: They were adored by the fans. The creative powers that be in the 2x-Double-U-E (compound rhymes, bonus 5pts) made the call as they do often at Wrestlemania to send the fans home happy, and put the title on the good guy. Since that night, most people could not have predicted the direction of either character since both men charged with leading their respective brands have subsequently changed brands and experienced a bit of a shift in the dynamic of their respective characters. Today, I hope to have a look at each man’s character and see if we can’t draw some conclusions regarding John Cena and Dave Batista. John Cena was almost quite literally a diamond in the rough. While it was evident from his debut on Smackdown (wearing awfully colored tights) that creative thought highly of him, he seemed to lack that special something that would make the fans really give a rats ass. His OVW gimmick, The Prototype, was apparently too bland even for the mildly-flavored WWE, so for a long time he became one of those characters who was just out there, wrestling under his real name in plain tights with no real flashy moves. He was just sort of…there. Kinda like Orlando Jordon was before JBL found him and made him….never mind, bad example. The one Halloween, Smackdown held a little costume party where Cena came dressed up like a thug. It was cute and funny and the people laughed, so the WWE did what they always do with something the crowd reacts to: They did it again. And Again. And again. Cena brought back Bull Buchanan to serve as his resident flunkie B-squared, and together they formed B1 and B2 and considered forming a Bananas in Pajamas tag team, but PBS threatened suit, so the gimmick was dropped. Cena eventually lost the big oaf, and went at it solo, cutting raps that were often hilarious to be-raid his opponents before matches. His character gained quite a bit of momentum, and it became obvious that he was next in a long line of “heels the crowd wants to turn face” particularly after a feud with ‘Taker. He went on to face a then-face Brock Lesnar for the WWE title in a push that was ultimately ill-fated. His eventual face turn came in Survivor Series ‘03, when he joined Team Benoit to face Team Lesnar where he F-U’d the Big Show (A move he stole during his feud with Lesnar). From that point on, it was all down hill and the Passion of JC had begun. After pinning Big Show for the US title at WM XX, Cena was very quickly becoming the face of the Smackdown brand even then. Everywhere he went, people were screaming “The Champ is here!” while chocking on “deese nuts” while being pelted with airline food flying out of the ring. The throwback jerseys, old school WWF shirts, Ruck Fules hats, and a constantly evolving hand gesture that Cena himself couldn’t decide upon (is it thumbs out or in, John?) made Cena the hottest thing in sports entertainment. Cena had a phenomenal feud building with then GM Kurt Angle as we waited on Angle to get his ass up out of the wheel chair. Seemingly Cena got the plug pulled on his push yet again when Angle was magically heeled to feud with Eddie Guerrero. Cena continued to brew in the midcard, making the US Title his own personal play toy. All of that ended this year when Cena won the #1 contender tournament following a near-win at the Royal Rumble. Having won the right to face the hated-by-everybody JBL at Mania, Cena was on fire. In spite of a so-so match at ‘Mania Cena won the title and later defended it in an above-average “I Quit” match. It was right around this time that Cena seemed to be at this highest. I was at Raw in St. Louis the night the draft occurred and “the pick heard round the world” brought John Cena to Raw. The crowd was crazy-hot, but even then people were instantly stunned. Cena’s character had been built up as such a part of the fans, and his long US Title reign had made him almost synonymous with Smackdown. People were at a bit of a loss, though we were all excited as the feud with Christian and Jericho took off, but it became apparent that as long as the Batista v HHH feud was still going on, Cena was getting a mild de-push for the third time in his career. Now, with Batista gone, Raw writers hit the “do-over” button and reset the Cena v Jericho feud. Many people seem to be of the belief that Cena’s pop’s are dwindling and I can’t say that I’d entirely disagree with that sentiment. I am a avid fan of Cena, and have been for quite some time, but you can’t help but scratch your head for what Raw seems to be doing with its main title right now. I’m as big a Jericho fan as anybody, but nobody believes he’s going to beat Cena, and the entire Raw upper-card seems to be infatuated with Hogan v HBK or the M.I.A. Triple H. Things just seem to be on hold, but I’m not sure what we’re waiting on. Dave Batista has been almost the definition of “slow build”. Everything about him has been patiently done, whereas things with Cena may have been a bit rushed because of the crowd reactions he was getting (thus the occasional de-push). Oddly enough, its sort of the inverse of how you’d expect. Batista is viewed by many as not having the upside of a John Cena or Randy Orton, due mainly to the fact that he is already in his late 30’s, where as Cena is in his mid-late twenties. Cena is a character that relies mainly on crowd reaction and charisma, which take time to build up, whereas a guy like Batista has gotten over primarily as a result of two things…a handful of big moves and one great feud. After debuting as “Deacon Batista” on Smackdown, Batista moved to Raw where he quickly joined Evolution and spent the better part of two years just sort of toiling in the background. He won tag titles with Ric Flair, but beyond that, Batista did little to really garner any serious intention. He was often criticized for being too quiet and being sloppy in the ring, if not just plain boring, despite some tolerable feuds with Kane and Jericho early on. Around the middle of last year however, and right up through the beginning of this year, Batista was showing tremendous improvements in the ring that really had people starting to take notice. While he had the occasional good match (a DQ finish with Benoit comes to mind) he was largely devoid of any high profile feuds. That is, up until early January when our views of Big Dave changed forever. Leading into New Years Revolution Batista was inserted into the Elimination Chamber to aid his buddy Triple H in a feud with Randy Orton. Leading into the PPV, a backstage segment showed Batista looking longingly at the World Heavyweight Title after HHH had left the room, and it clicked in all our minds “We’re getting ready to see something magical”. The feud that followed involving the slow build up to that awesome night when Batista gave Trips the thumbs-down and power bombed him through a table, was a feud that many of us had expected to happen with Randy Orton. In much the same way that Cena took off with support from the fans, it became apparent a long way out that the crowd was ready to see the demise of Evolution and Batista was the man to do it. Proving his critics wrong (hi Wevv!) Triple H did everything humanly possible to ensure that Batista had a monster title run even after that feud with him. Following the climatic end in Hell in a Cell, Batista went over to Smackdown in a move that most fans saw coming a mile away. Whereas Cena may have been built upon a lot of “Smackdown” type things, the vast majority of Batista’s success had been built up by Triple H, so the move was not quite as dicey as moving Cena, but Batista’s character too, much like Cena seems to have gone flat. Now, the DQ ending of the Great American Bash seems to add a new dynamic, and maintain that “unleashed animal’ sort of persona. In spite of their starkly different ascents into the main event, both Cena and Batista succeeded their early because of overwhelming fan support. In the case of Cena, people were just dying to see how his character would take off, with many people drawing comparisons to him and Rock in that “people’s champ” sort of mold, with a dash of Austin thrown in. Batista would likely have never ascended to that spot, but the despise for HHH and the possibility to see the big man settle an old score had people almost literally foaming at the mouth to see the animal unleashed. Coincidentally, both these champions now find themselves at a character crossroads. While a great deal of people seem to be second guessing Cena’s push and fear his dwindling pops, my gut feeling is that Cena will be fine, and will probably hold the title for at least a few more months, likely at least until Survivor Series where he may drop it to a returning Triple H. Even if H comes back ahead of that, you can’t help but think this is finally the time where he takes a step back and feuds with somebody in a non title situation, likely Ric Flair or maybe Kurt Angle in the event that one of them “change moral alliance” (I,e swerve face). Edge is the real wild card in the Raw main event seen, and his presence on the fringe there will likely keep the belt on Cena a few more months, as I just don’t think Edge is there just yet, though likely by early next year. If something happens on Raw that can give us whatever it is that we seem to be waiting for, particularly if it freshens up the Cena character somehow, I can’t help but think that John is far from done at the top of the card or even with the title. Batista on the other hand, I’m not nearly so optimistic about. I’d like to see him hold it through SummerSlam before dropping the belt to Eddie at Survivor Series. I’m not entirely sure that will happen, as I get the impression that Smackdown really wouldn’t hesitate to put the title back on JBL, but that leaves us with the same problem we had last year of having no real face competitor to feud with Bradshaw, unless that be the returning Brock Lesnar. Any charisma that Batista may have been demonstrating before really seemed, to me, to be a product of his position opposite Triple H. That creates a nasty void in charisma (that may be being addressed with the DQ finish, adding a more “crazy” dimension that could be fun). The likely move to me, is to keep the title on Batista until Lesnar returns to take it from him, or else drop it to JBL, bring Lesnar back face, and turn Batista heel and have him feud it that way. Either way, much like people think about Cena, I think Batista works better as a heel, because of his lack of mic skills. Both of these champions were the right decisions in March, and for my money both of them should still be where they are now, but the clock is ticking on both of them. If I had to guess, I’d wager that Cena will hold the strap longer than Dave, but the appeal of playing the hungry face who was screwed out of the title may be too much for the WWE to pass up, particularly if he drops it Triple H. Batista is a real wild card to me, so it will certainly be interesting to see where the WWE chooses to take that character. Regardless, I think we can expect to see both of these men in or around the main event scene for the better part of the next year, after which I wouldn’t be surprised if Batista gets slapped with the Benoit Effect and dropped back to the midcard. Cena however, has so many options with his character that he’ll be there for at least another five years, particularly if his offense evolves a bit. Perhaps the only real certainty concerning both these men, is the fact that there is a great deal of uncertainty. It should be an interesting few months to be a wrestling fan to see where the main event scene’s and their title holders go. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch I despise The Diva Search. and it’s lame ass competitions. I have no problem with the revolving door of Diva’s, and I really don’t mind their use when done correctly, as either wrestlers or in a role designed to get wresters over with the crowd (Stacy Kiebler is phenomenal in this role). But to simply take a parade of T&A and force them into ridiculous “competitions” and then to try and pass it off as legitimate? K-RAP I say. Boring. Meanwhile, the tag champs haven’t been used in….wow. My roommate, who is a huge Hurricane fan, actually had to ask me who had the tag straps the other day while watching Raw. I’d nearly forgotten myself. Get them off my TV, bring back the Women’s division to fill the cleavage void, and take those 20 minutes and give them to the tag division or any of the 20 wrestlers that were just cut. Thank you. Cannon Fodder Damn I feel sorry for Christian.. Typically I try and avoid discussing out of character type issues, I like writing from more of a “mark” perspective. But his insta-un-push upon arriving at Smackdown kinda sucks. Oddly enough, I’ve kinda thought for a while that a face run may do him a world of good, and it appears he may get that opportunity now. Still a shame to see him getting considerably less mic time as well as a few more losses though. Cheap Pop The quote at the top of the last regular column I did was from the Eminem song, “The Way I Am” as correctly guessed by a loyal reader of the bleeder, BC His work as a columnist in my old home, The Lop Columns Forum is as unique as anything you’ll find on the internet, often revolving around a brilliant use of fictional wrestling tales with the occasional moral to the story. He is also the brainchild (sort of) of the list that you often read at the end of this column but never vote for. (Vote, damnit, please). Thanks for reading BC, your patronage is much appreciated. This section of the column is a list compiled weekly by readers of the Nosebleed Section, in which readers such as YOU submit via email or Lopforums their own “Top Ten” list of the best aspects of wrestling right now. All things are eligible. Pts are awarded as such so that what a reader has slotted at #1 receives 10 pts, #2 9pts, etc on down to 1pt for a #10th place vote. Please help this section of the column succeed by submitting votes via email (atop or bottom of the page) or by visiting the forums and voting in the feedback forum. Thank you. 10) Maria 9 pts Finally, a backstage bimbo that is actually funny. The more she embraces this role the better she’ll be. She actually tied with numerous others, but I gave her the spot in the limelight because I thought she was hilarious on Monday. Her and Cena could easily become the new Rock/Cole in terms of their chemistry in backstage segments. 9) Raven 12 pts At this point I think the sheer uniqueness of Raven’s character as champion has people’s attention, even if TNA does not. 8) The Raw Diva Search 13pts You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Proof I don’t just ignore votes, because I hate this damned thing. 8) Randy Orton 14 pts Most voters sited his impending feud with The Undertaker as the main motivator here. 6) Carlito and his Cabana 15pts I’m not quite sure what it is about Carlito. His character is great, very funny and fairly original. In the ring though, he’s sort of “vanilla”. His offense lacks any real flavor, though he does sell well, so I give him that. 5) The Angle (Eugene) Invitational 16pts First the Striker situation had people curious, then Eugene. I have to admit I hated this storyline on Smackdown, but on Raw it could prove to be entertaining, at least until two weeks from now when Raw comes from Pittsburgh and Angle takes his medals back. 4) Muhammad Hassan 24pts This is just further proof that at least a few people are serious about this character. The WWE will seriously drop the ball if they don’t get him back on TV soon and just grow a pair and piss some people off. Is it cheap, and disrespectful? Possibly. But it’s a fictional portrayal of a real situation, and its nothing new to show business. Granted, that may not make it right, but last time I checked, Hassan had yet to behead anybody or crash any planes or blow up any buses. 3) Matt Hardy 24pts Work? Shoot? Real? I think its impossible to consider it real, particularly after the first time occurrence and Edge’s constant acknowledging of it, such naivety makes me ill. That being said, I think the WWE’s use of Matt thus far has been brilliantly done as its certainly got my attention and everybody around me talking. The key now is to GO forward, and not continue these run ins for too long. Capitalize on the heat before people get bored with a feud that hasn’t happened yet. 2) John Cena 36pts The man is getting to be a regular here. While some maintain his pops are dwindling, others on finally starting to jump on the Chain Gang. As I’ve said, I like Cena, but I’m still pulling for Jericho. 1) The Heartbreak Kid, The Showstoppa, The Headliner, The Icon, The Main Event, Shawn Michaels! 43pts Nearly everybody who voted had Shawn somewhere in the top three. The suddenness and then instant slow down of his heel turn has people foaming at the mouth for more of him, and his somewhat worked shoot promo from Raw last Monday, lashing out at those who want a HBK heel turn was simply awesome. This guy never ceases to entertain me. The End. (Why doesn’t anybody end like that anymore? I should do that once sometime…) I should also really just make that condom peddling Ayatollah of Gas N Cola switch me “regular” days too, as apparently I can’t ever get anything finished on time to post it on Saturday night, so I apologize for this not finding you until Sunday. I don’t get paid to advertise shit, so be sure to check out some of the links I dropped, as they really are what I say they are, especially ‘dem boys in the Columns Forum. Congrats to my favorite Chicano Pothead Zuma for his Column of the Month win (I voted for him). As I part I implore you to also to email me with your Top Ten Lists or your guesses at the quote atop the page, or any other general feedback type things. Thanks for visiting The Nosebleed Section but next time, get better seats.. Click here to Email Randomguy#5!   *NEW GALLERY* Candice Michelle's Head Up Maria's Dress! WOW!
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