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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, July 24, 2005 at 8:05 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Live From The Basement! IT’S WWE! Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman, the column that drives the Internet Wrestling Community “Just Plain Nuts”. It’s been another week of wild and wacky WWE antics. So, in order to devote full attention to these critical matters, I’m sorry to say that Kane’s House will be bumped this week. Never fear, thanks to Saintly Stu, I have plenty of antics planned. And I if I wrap up early, Kane, may still make an appearance. We’ll just have to wait and see. Oh, and by the way, there’s a PPV tonight. And I’m going to spilling secrets. WWE TV – The Series Raw – From Gerwitz’s Basement Recap Info provided by Carl Walsh Eric Opens the Show Yes, it’s just like Austin. Cena is now “out of control” and “disrespecting authority”. So to teach Cena respect, there’s going to be a lumberjack match. Cena’s opponent? Gene Snitsky. Yeah, that will really teach him a lesson. Cena isn’t pregnant as far as I know. Shelton vs Carlito Shelton needs to stop coming off the top rope. I understand the get back on your horse mentality, but maybe he’s just thinking about it too much. The guy nearly kills himself every time he goes up top. Stick to ground based. Carlito gets DQ’D and Shelton wins the match but not the title. An interesting, if unsatisfying, twist. Kurt Angle Invitational. Matt Striker. Again. I’m going to talk about this guy for OAW, I think. No, I think I’ll ramble on about the old crufter and Vince’s mental health. So, let’s cover Matt Striker now. -First, Matt Striker was a teacher who got fired by lying about his sick leave, and got caught by a student. -A couple of things you should understand. The Teacher’s Union in America is strong. So strong in fact, that teachers can bang students, and not get fired. They can’t get fired. Or if they do, there’s a good chance that they can get rehired. Asking for sick leave is easy as pie. You get a ton of days off, for personal, and for sick leave. So, this goof could have taken vacation, personal, whatever. And if he probably got his summers off. So he lied, got caught and got fired. -Now, he lied, so he gets a job with WWE. Because WWE doesn’t see him as a problem, they see a chance to get some publicity by hiring this guy and give the cover story that he showed his dedication to the sport. Which is bull. If he really wanted to be a wrestler, he could have become a substitute teacher and gotten an easier gig, and also had a great deal of flexibility regarding his schedule. He wanted both, since, as I mentioned the benefits for being a teacher are damn sweet, no matter what the district happens to be like that you work in. -So he gets a job, and he’s got an apple on his ass, which no doubt played a factor for his getting hired, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Just ignore whatever story WWE puts out, your first guess is probably correct. So, he gets a push with Angle, and guess what, now he’s claiming he got injured. Good job WWE. Divas Search I can see why WWE was thinking of canceling the ‘Diss your girlfriend” contest. All the chicks said nice things about each other. There really was no controversy. It makes me laugh. All the broads said they would be good doing something that would probably make them more money anyways, without having to put up with the stalking by Edge or Randy. But they looked hot, and well, that’s all that really matters. Ashley was damn fine. Great outfit honey. Simona got sent home, and that’s all right with me. Boogieman He’s not even on TV and he’s the joke of the net. What’s going to happen when he debuts? Probably a lot of laughter. Doomed before even making the air. I do believe that’s a first. Oh, sure, there was the wrestling penises, (who work for WWE now, how rich is that?), but that was TNA, so doesn’t count. And for the record, it’s OK to bash TNA. The plan is nothing but Jarrett again, so screw them. Kerwin White Chavo was hanging with Bischoff and talking about golf. Bisch said he now lives in Scottsdale. Well, after the Cave Creek fire, he may have had to move there. Just make sure the house you moved into isn’t next to an Illegal Immigrant staging area. It’s been a while since a Scottsdale bust and I think we’re about due. Anyhoo, be sure to check out Corleone’s. Best damn Philly Cheesesteaks you can get in Phoenix. Jericho interrupts and says that next week, will be a Battle Of the Bands. Then, he and Cena will have a dance off, and then a drag race, and then a poetry slam, and then (insert teen movie plot device here). -Look, I like the fact that there is a long build being done for their match at Summerslam. But the fact is, both guys need to wrestle. It’s a wrestling show after all. Both guys beating separate opponents will do ten times the build that a goofy contest will. Yes, the Divas search is doing great. But the reason seems to elude the WWE writers. Let me tell you the big secret. BIG SECRET#1! Why is the Divas Search successful? HOT CHICKS! It’s not brain surgery. A contest without hot chicks just becomes another crappy sports entertainment bit. Like a pose down. Like an arm wrestling match. Like a poetry contest. Like a rap battle. Like a debate. These bits, sans hot chicks, just plain suck. Even with hot chicks, the worth is questionable at best. Hot chicks catch the causal viewer like nothing else. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked with coworkers, who know nothing about wrestling, say that they were flipping channels and saw Torrie Wilson, or Trish Stratus in a bikini and stopped to watch. They then flipped way when Heidenreich started talking or Kane started getting creepy. Chris Masters Big Show finally showed up. Now, there is o way that Big Show should be jobbing to this guy. Period. Big Show should just crush him. He’s Big Show. He’s allowed. Hogan! Hogan! Hogan! The smartest man in wrestling showed up to answer HBK’s challenge. HBK then came out to near silence. Dent Hogan’s pop? Not even close. Then HBK started talking and I left the room. Way too long. So, I have no idea what HBK said, much like I have no idea what the words to “Sexy Boy” are. Thus proving that I am no HBK mark. But I know what should have been said. “Why did I Superkick Hogan? Because I’m HBK! The Heart. Break. Kid. Sean Michaels! The Show-STOPPAH! And stealing the show is what I do.” Simple and to the point. It’s easy for me to hate HBK. I really don’t need a reason other than he’s HBK. And I do believe that most of the casual fans will agree with me on that. Be HBK. Even the HBK marks want that. They will either cheer you no matter what you do or boos you because they know you want them to. Either way, they’ll pay to see you wrestle Hogan. Bore the crap out of them, and they’ll just wait for highlights. Jericho and the Scrubs Jericho recruits his gang of jobbers. Carlito is there and wasn’t he feuding with Jericho recently? Angle is there too. But again, he’s just a flunky. Come on people, try and make some background angles happen! Rene, what the fuck? It’s called a razor and it’s your friend. Edge vs Kane Matt Hardy ran in before the match. He was quickly arrested again. Good, get him the fudge off my TV. The match finally started and it was a doozy. Nice work folks. Hell of an intense match. The only thing missing was the fact that the briefcase was the prize. You know, title shot? Money in the Bank? Cena vs Snitsky and THE WORLD! It was a schmozz. I didn’t even find it an exciting melee. Lots of run ins, and guys from the back came to help out their hero Cena, and the end was Cena getting his finisher on Snitsky, and the pin. Raw is trying; I’ll give it that. Hogan vs HBK was interesting, but I found it more interesting the way Carlito was asking sexual questions about Hogan’s daughter, which probably caused Jerry to cream in his pants. Smackdown Report by Brandon Scott Berthelot The big hype for this show was Bradshaw’s victory speech. Yay. Rey Mysterio vs Super Crazy Match was slow paced until the finish, when things picked up. Eddie came out to do commentary. Eddie then ran in and hit Rey with Juvi’s rake. Or was it Psychosis. Whatever. The plus side is that the match was given plenty of time, and it overcame an uphill struggle to get momentum going. What matters is that when Rey came out, the crowd was fairly quiet. First match, Rey Mysterio and it’s quiet. This angle with Eddie is doing no one any favors. -While spacing out during this match, I had a nice dream. It was that this angle was all a ploy. See, the LWO would do huge business, but since it’s not a WWE original angle, it can’t happen. So this is their answer to the LWO. Now, Eddie and Rey can make a fortune for WWE, and both agreed to let WWE do their crappy angle, and play the parts creative has given them. So that when the angle tanks, they can form the LWO with Eddie leading them, and Rey being the reluctant member, who Eddie is trying to force into his group. A nice little fantasy, but sadly, the reality is that WWE just has no clue. Christian Interview Ah Christian, you used to be cool. Now, you’re stalling out. I like the feud with Booker T. But it’s locking you back into the midcard, where Booker has been trapped. Far from any title. I expect the match to be good, not doubt about that, but, but, you should be main eventing. Heidy and Animal He’s a regular now? Good grief. Bad poem and the kicker was Animal saying Heidy was more like Hawk than he thought. You mean Hawk liked raping announcers, bad poetry, and molesting children too? What a rush. -And on a side note, what do you think the first question from a causal fan is? "Which is the dead one?" JBL Vignettes The funniest thing was that Bradshaw compared himself to all these Americans but when it came to MLK, there was nothing Bradshaw could say. And later, they showed him running off illegal immigrants. Too funny. Benoit vs Eddie Standard Benoit vs Guerrero match, which is to say good, but not very different than the one that happened last months. The new finisher trend? Walking off. Thanks Johnny, earn that paycheck. Candice Speaks The Great American Bash will air on the armed forces Network, but it’s not free. Heh, go Vince. Melina then shows up and beats up Candice, prompting Torrie Wilson to come out and make the save. Nice little bit and made more sense than half the show. Booker T vs Simon Dean Booker won, and promised to beat Christian. JBL Speaks Sieg HEIL! It’s the Wrestling Nazi, and he’s dressed as Apollo Creed. Bradshaw talks and talks and talks some more. You main event is talking, since Bradshaw gets the night off from wrestling an honest match, and since Batista is Champion, that means he only wrestles on PPV, or about once a month. Last week was an exception. But Batista did run in and there was a quick brawl and the end was Batista putting on Bradshaw’s Apollo hat and jacket and holding up the belt. So, Bradshaw is winning huh? Great American Bash Flashback – 2004 How far we’ve come, eh? Last year’s GAB was poetry in motion, as this poem by my friend can attest to. Without further ado, I give you “Cement Truck Is POETIC” Stuck behind a truck Only cost me $50. Watch Mixer go round and round Will Paul Bearer ever be found? See Dudley’s meet their maker, Thanks for coming Undertaker. Gosh darn wrestling shows, Where? Oh where? Are my f’n nachos!!!!!! Brings a tear to my eye thinking about the poetic cement truck. So, one year later, Paul Bearer is dead, the Dudley’s fired, and Heidenreich is getting a tag team title shot with Hawk. Hassan has been banned from UPN TV, and Eddie is no longer champion or even close. Instead he’s stalking little boys. WWE, Where Creepiness is King. Great American Bash 2004, where the Cement Truck was put over more than the Dudley’s. Undertaker Strikes Again! Before we get too far, I’ll say it right now. The header for this section is misleading. AS you may have read, UPN recently insisted that WWE take Hassan off of Smackdown. The whole terrorist thing was too much for them. This is a story that actually got mainstream press. The Associated press, not some TV review guy, picked up the story. It can be read here: AP News Story As you can see, Undertaker is not named in the story, and that’s a shame. You see, this whole mess could, albeit very weakly, pinned on Undertaker. How, you may ask? Simple. All he had to do was get beat down by Hassan and Davairi. That’s it. But I imagine that since Taker has clout, he said no. Fall prey to two guys?!?!?! Hell NO! It takes an army to beat Taker! No simple chair shot for him no siree! So, a plan had to be made to lay out Taker. So more guys had to be added, and from there, it spiraled out of control. Soon, enough, probably Bradshaw, some genius thought “Hey, I watched that Michael Berg tape, and how about if we…” And next thing you know, you got guys in ski masks trying to behead Undertaker, Daviari gets carried out like a suicide martyr, and the Arab Defamation League is having conniptions. The end result? Hassan, off TV, Daviari, fate unknown, but probably going to be cut, since he’s small and size matters more than talent, and Undertaker is fine. No selling of injuries for him! That part of the angle, the whole point of the incident if you will, was dropped no problem. SO, just like last year, some one had to die for Undertaker to put Undertaker over, and the kicker is, Undertaker will most likely be taking more time off after Summerslam. So all this fuss is to put over a guy who isn’t going to stick around. Oh, he won’t be gone for good, but he will miss tons of TV time. Here’s some information courtesy of Razher’s, LOP WWE Forum Talent Records Thread. Since January 1st of 2005: The Undertaker has had NINE PPV and television matches. NINE. Period. Booker T has had 27. Visera has had 12. Scotty2Hotty, who started the year off recovering from Neck Surgery has so far had 17 so far. If Undertaker is paid at least a million a year, that’s over $100,000 PER MATCH. Guys lost their jobs as a cost cutting measure, and this guy wastes half a year, and has done nothing but bog down Smackdown, who have to build up his return with guys who are currently being pushed every time he takes a vacation. I could easily rant on Taker, much like HBK. But let’s reveal another secret instead. THE FATHER OF DAWN MARIE’S BABY IS…. HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN! HE’S EXTREME, BABY! FUCK YEAH! Seriously, if folks haven’t figured it out now, well, maybe it’s better that they not know. And I still don’t think it’s Kurt Angle. In fact, I’m fairly certain it’s not. I could be wrong, but hey, Dawn Marie is getting paid to keep silent and I’d rather not mess up an unemployed pregnant woman’s possibly last payday. All you really have to do is ask yourself this. Do you honestly think Vince would pay to keep her silent if it was Kurt Angle? Just think of Kurt’s past angles. You think Vince wouldn’t exploit the fact if he could? Vince loves to humiliate Kurt. Yeah, Kane’s House is getting bumped. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Senility Hogan went on the Kelly and Regis show a couple of weeks ago to promote his reality special. He told an amusing story about flying to New York with Vince on Vince’s private plane. He said that Vince was acting nutty, throwing pretzels at him and being a goofball. Hogan said it, so who knows how much truth is in it. But, on the other hand, how hard is it to believe? There is also a story about Vince being a difficult customer at a hotel. He dared to order a steak at 1 in the morning. Now, there’s nothing to this story. Sure, it’s rare for people to order a steak at one in the morning, but when you consider that Vince works nights, and works late at night, well, ordering a steak isn’t the same as ordering something that has many components and must be arranged just so on a plate. As some celebs are wont to do. But I don't think that Vince is going senile. For the past year, and I do mean year, Vince has been dragging every old codger he can get his hands on and throwing them on TV. The angles he’s come up have been very reminiscent of his crazy days back in the eighties and early nineties. Remember the reaction when word leaked about a wrestling retard? So, is Vince going Senile? se·nile P Pronunciation Key (snl, snl) adj. 0. Of, relating to, or characteristic of old age. 0. Relating to or exhibiting memory loss or mental impairment associated with aging. Geology. Worn away nearly to the base level, as at the end of an erosion cycle. Some of the systems of Senility or Alzheimer’s are: In the early stages, the symptoms may be very subtle. Symptoms may often include: 0. Repeating statements frequently 0. Frequently misplacing items 0. Trouble finding names for familiar objects 0. Getting lost on familiar routes 0. Personality changes 0. Becoming passive and losing interest in things previously enjoyed Some tasks that the person usually does well can become difficult at this stage. Examples of these are balancing a checkbook, playing complex games (such as bridge), and learning new and complex information or routines. In a more advanced stage, the deficits are more obvious. Some of the symptoms are: 0. A decrease in knowledge of recent events 0. Forgetting events in life history, essentially losing awareness of who you are 0. Problems choosing proper clothing 0. Hallucinations, arguments, striking out, and violent behavior 0. Delusions, depression, agitation Some tasks that are likely to present difficulty for a person at this stage are: preparing meals, driving, dressing, travel outside of familiar routes, and managing finances. In severe AD, a person can no longer survive without assistance. Most people in this stage no longer understand language, they no longer recognize family members, and they can no longer perform basic activities of daily living (such as eating, dressing, and bathing). Allrefer.com Now, who knows how sharp Vince still is, but my bet is that he’s not losing his mind. But an argument could be made that Vince is going back in time and reliving his past. The return of all the old crufters, the desire to get noticed no matter what are very familiar to those who have studied Wrestlecrap. In the era following the first big boom, there was a time when it was nothing but big muscle bound goofs, and a plethora of gimmicks were thrown against the wall left and right, just to see what sticks. Just like now. Big goofs keep showing up on our TV. Gimmicks that were working are changed to something that is not. Tag Teams are broken up on the off chance that the parts can be greater than the whole, regardless of how they were doing, or the steps taken that brought them low. Top guys cling to their spots with politics and back biting. Just like the old days. But is it because Vince is trapped in the past? Yes and no. See, a lot of folks from the earlier days of wrestling have passed away. Vince knows he’s getting old. For some time now, he’s been socking away money, and preparing to hand over power. Last year, it was big news that H, Steph, and Shane were announced as the heirs apparent. Vince does own a $10 million dollar condo in Florida. But I’m not sure he ever goes there, as I’m sure his perception is that Florida is place for old people to go and die. But Vince isn’t getting any younger. He recently suffered from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and a bad case of it. Then he tore both quads. He rushed back from that injury, but a point comes when injuries pile up and the body just gives out, no matter what you do. Not for everyone, but Vince has pushed himself hard for decades. Now, Vince is going back and reliving those times, not because he’s losing his mind, but because he can. It’s his show after all, and if it can give those sycophants around him a chance to gain more power, they’ll be all for it. After all, does the WWE really need Piper? Jericho and Carlito were doing fine, and had something going, But in came Piper just to give the show a nostalgia pop. Why bring back Animal? To sell DVD’s? Have they mentioned them at all? No. It’s for a nostalgia pop. To give Vince something he can ramble on about to whoever will listen. Hogan? Hogan was smart. He had a show to plug and it worked. He stayed away, but he knows where to get an audience if he needs it. And he also realized that he’s Hogan and going to be over no matter what. Sidetrack here. Say what you will about Hogan, but he at least sold HBK’s kick. And let HBK be the heel. Just like he lost to Lesnar. Just like he helped others in his last couple of WWE runs. He’s done what he was told. It’s not Hogan’s fault that WWE didn’t build on the rub Hogan gave them. Of course he got himself back over. He’s Hogan after all, but the fans are the ones shooting him right back to the top. Vince’s trip through the past, of angles that were, and bringing back friends of old, is entirely his own choice. Vince can suffer from nostalgia, just like anyone. Only Vince has two TV shows in which to relive the glory days. Well, that’s it for today. One more bit of news, and then the plugs. TNA Going to Spike TNA has signed a deal with Spike TV, in which they will pay for the Saturday night timeslot that sued to be Velocity. TNA has also fired a bunch of their folks who worked in marketing. So, does this mean that TNA is saved? No, it just means that they could sink faster. Only time will tell. In case you didn’t know, Random is not really Test. I apologize for the joke I played on you and he. But I can most assuredly tell you, no joke, that we do have actual wrestlers working for us. Hopefully, he won’t mind if I blow his secret, but it should be obvious by now. Dubzilla is really the independent sensation Shark Boy. No joke, email and ask him. If you’ve read his column you can clearly make the connection. Turnbuckle Tailgate QUICK PLUGS! The Movie Bar! The Movie Bar Forums The Project LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum! LOP's Very Own PWA, Best E-Fed on the net. Period. Alrighty folks,enjoy your PPV if you actually spend money on it. Hopefully it will be another Vengence. But then again, it could be just like last year. Best of luck to you. See ya next week. Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin' and Thanks For Ridin' Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com Please label all email FEEDBACK.
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