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Submitted by Randomguy#5 on Saturday, July 2, 2005 at 12:24 AM EST
Kill All the Dinosaurs! “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everybody would do it. The hard, is what makes it great” Welcome back to the column that bleeds like Ric Flair The Nosebleed Section. I am your orange haired host Randomguy#5. I welcome you all to this ceremonial edition of the Bleeder. This is column #61 which just so happens to be the number one of my best friends (known in some circles as Pudge) wore during high school football. He’s preparing to ship off for the Marine Corps here before too much longer, a decision I respect. Political views aside, I gotta give it up for the military guys, they’ve got an important and (as I understand it occassionally shitty) job. My hats off to ya buddy, this column’s for you. --I think that all things considered, I could not be happier with the way the draft turned out this year. Moving Cena with the first pick was a nice way to hook fans, they used the “champion-less” angle on Smackdown through the duration to keep fans interested, before making an acceptable move by placing Batista on Smackdown. Obviously Smackdown lost some star power, but I firmly believe the WWE is after a different (younger)dynamic of fans with that show, and the pieces are in place to do that through a more mat-based, fast paced style. Given the right booking, both shows are in place for a very solid year. --Where did Shelton Benjamin go? Is he off remaking “Look who’s coming to dinner” with Triple H? --I have been back and forth on the Rey v Eddie feud, but for the most part I have been a huge fan of it. I am, however, scared shitless of where things are going now. I applaud the WWE for continuing to push a feud that still has life rather than cut it short because it's been “long” by today’s standards, but these “secret” sort of angles usually end up bad. Who wants to bet Rey is a murderer and once molested a dead girl? --Is anybody else out there utterly shocked, and I dare say APPALLED that Shawn Michaels did not end up on Smackdown? di·no·saur ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ur~N~id~iot) n. 1) Any of various extinct, often gigantic, carnivorous or herbivorous reptiles of the orders Saurischia and Ornithischia that were chiefly terrestrial and existed during the Mesozoic Era. 2) A relic of the past 3) One that is hopelessly outmoded or unwieldy Now, it's recently come to my attention that people in general may not be as smart as I once gave them credit. Typically I don’t much care for lashing out at my readers, I assume people are fairly intelligent and such. However, in this case we can ill afford any sorts of screw ups, because we’re dealing with some heavy shit. In the visual above, instance #1 is referring to a big (sometimes) sort of lizard/amphibian/reptile thing that may have evolved into birds and was killed off eons ago when God decided that only humans should be here. Therefore, God spit on some dust, created Adam and gave him a flaming sword and told him to go off and kill all the dinosaurs. When all that was said and done, God was pissed that Adam did what he said, so he ripped a rib out of Adam and created a creature more evil than the dinosaur which Adam could not slay yet was crippled by the uncontrollable desire to do so. Now, in regards to option #2 for the word at hand, we are referring to a relic of the past. I suppose this could be an artifact of some kind, maybe a used condom found at your local Gas N Cola ran by Your Ayatollah embarking images of Matt Hardy screwing Lita in the bathroom of said establishment. (about ten inside jokes don’t worry about it. See, apparently you guys aren’t as quick as I thought, my advice was right). Regardless, I suppose such definitions are about as useless to this conversation as the last biblical laden explanation. We move on. On a side note: I once had a middle school English teacher, whom despite being apparently a very sweet old bag, I couldn’t much stand the bitch. With all due respect to old ladies of course. She once told me that when composing a written piece, one should always start with a thesis statement and a paragraph depicting what the piece is to be about. For those of you into structure, understand that I am attempting to do this by subtracting first what the column ISN’T about (Adam v Godzilla, Ayagollah nailing Lita, etc). In the event that this style finds you confused or at a loss, I’ll give you the number to Mrs. Finnigan and you and she can critique my writing until I come to love her and her ruler-wielding ways. Ahem... 3) One that is hopelessly outmoded or unwieldy Now we are starting to get to where this whole killing of dinosaurs business pertains to wrestling. To continue my sort of backwards thesis statement style, let us first examine what could be one possible example of this definition. Certain wrestlers have come to be more than a little outdated. This was no more apparent than Monday night, when Hulk Hogan (whom I loved like everybody else in 1988) held a pose-down in the ring. This sort of antic and style was brilliant back in the ILLUSTRIOUS Reagan era, but today they’re a bit, well, dated. While some people call this a travesty and lash out at Hogan, I simply smile and concede his right to perform this way. See, wrestlers often have the same problem as athletes. They just don’t know when to hang ‘em up. People have long since ridiculed stars of wrestling’s yesteryear for hanging on too long, much like premier athletes such as Joe Montana, Wayne Gretzky, or Michael Jordan made one too many comebacks. Foley, Funk, Austin, Hogan and I dare say even Flair have all seen better days and it appalls me the way people lash out at these men for “tarnishing their legacy”. Whose legacy? They built it ya fucks! Damn them for continuing to perform, a love that supercedes that of any women. The passion that must be required to achieve their level of success is one that we all have largely no concept of. I have the utmost respect for athletes and performers, I love what they do and in instances when I do not truly know what their world is like, I try my damndest not to criticize them. The memories will be every bit as enjoyable for me regardless of how they choose to be remembered in the end. Are their times when I wish some of the greats would just ride off into the sunset? You damned skippy hippy. But to resent them for trying to entertain me? What sort of shit is that? No thanks, the old guard can stick around as long as they want in my book. As long as people want to see them do their thing, they’ve earned the right to stink up the place. Which brings me back to where I started…. One that is hopelessly outmoded or unwieldy The true dinosaurs of the wrestling world, stomping their big ass paws around and crushing all beneath them, are a certain group of fans who are so hell bent on the way things used to be, they refuse to acknowledge them for what they are now. Now, don’t for one second take me as some arrogant punk who disrespects the history of the business, that’s not the case at all. Just two columns ago I wrote a column that details my love for history, both pertaining to wrestling and otherwise. I’ve recently attainted my first job in teaching, as a teacher of social studies, which for those of you who flunked 1st grade, is a lot of history. I love the shit. It’s just that people have become so hell bent on the way things used to be that it's flat out nauseating. Not like “Mark Henry just had a match” nauseating or “man how does she swallow that?” nauseating. No, to me the unabashed bashing of the present is more of a “back alley coat hanger abortion” sort of disgust. So often on the internet, I hear things compared to the prestigious “Attitude Era”. Guess what? Not everybody was watching then guys. I’ll admit to it right now, I missed most of it. WHAT? BLASPHEMY! Probably. Sorry, mom and dad didn’t have cable while I was in high school, so I was up shit creek without a paddle unless I went to my cousin's house. And his mom hates people. More so, there isn’t an angle, a storyline, or even a match finish that won’t have some dipshit clown writing the next day, pissing in their Wheaties because “That was the same ending they used in Wrestle Jam ‘78” or some other stupid shit. If I have one more person tell me about the GAWD AWFUL state of professional wrestling right now, I’ll be going Tyler Durden on somebody’s ass. I am of the firm belief that people read my work, and come to this site because they love wrestling. Now, I know there are examples to the contrary, but there are always those. I know as well that some people are just naturally bitchers, Hell, I’m one of you. My typical creed in life is “Life sucks, its going to get worse before it gets better, but in the end the scales do balance”. I call myself an optimistic cynic. It’s just that by constantly complaining, by refusing to acknowledge the good things going on in a product that you obviously have an immense amount of love for, not only do you bring down the collective enjoyment of wrestling for the rest of us, but you further prevent yourself from enjoying things fully. One should never become so set in their ways that they cannot adapt, and that is precisely what most dinosaur wrestling fans are doing. By constantly bombarding yourself with negative opinions, either your own or others, you do nothing more than create an environment of cynicism. Now granted, some people are able to embrace this and come to enjoy it, and to them I say: “Kudos, you have learned to live with your condition and treat the symptoms rather than cure the problem”. I’m by no means implying that people should see the world of wrestling through rose-colored glasses. I despise overly happy people more than I do dinosaurs. Life isn’t extreme one direction or the other and neither is wrestling kids. You have to take the good with the bad. Both (life and wrestling) are but a series of choices but it is possible to make the decision to “look on the bright side of things” without running around smiling all the time like Bob the Enzyte guy. There is an entire sect of wrestling fans that are so hell bent on the awfulness of the state of wrestling right now, that they absolutely cannot see things any other way. These dinosaurs have minds that operate solely on the premise of searching for things to bitch about, and in the event that they cannot find one, they then bitch about the fact that whatever successful event they just witnessed is not original. Stomping around and consuming all innocent wrestling fans, the dinosaurs are relentless and will not stop until all is lost, for only then can they revel in their world of hate. Oddly enough, these same men and women are some of wrestling’s most passionate fans. They love it uncontrollably, and when the sports entertainment does not fit their remarkably high standards, standards that are designed as inherently impossible, they become hateful of their lost love. The love of their life betrayed them they feel, never knowing that it wasn’t their lost love that fucked them. Wrestling didn’t fuck them The WWE didn’t screw you. You screwed you. Kill all the dinosaurs. Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch I can‘t remember if I ever handed this one out the first time around but I hereby declareThe Raw Diva Search to be a Sanctimonious Son of a Bitch. This thing has less personality than the Democratic Party, and even with the eye candy, I still maintain that the quest for queen “who gives a fuck” is time that could be better spent by, oh I don’t know, using some of the talent that you’re paying. As it is, perfectly good, hard working professional wrestlers who have spent years paying their dues are going to be cut again this month without ever having been given a second look, all so some ditz can butt fuck a pie all the way to a million. Ridiculous. Cannon Fodder Remember last year after the draft when A-Train and Chuck Palumbo both came over from Smackdown to Raw, “creative had nothing for them“ and they were released shortly thereafter? Ladies and gentlemen I give you Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki. Having been “traded” to Raw, I wish them the best, but I fear they are precisely two of the prime examples of whom I was talking about a second ago. You heard it here first bleeders, remember that. Cheap Pop So hopefully you noticed the quote at the top of the column, and you probably didn’t notice that I didn’t bother telling you where it came from. So if you can be the first person to email me (or reply in the feedback forum) with the correct pop culture author of that quote, I’ll give you a cheap pop too. Last night I wrote a bit of a little “swerve” column in the columns forums, where I got some things off my chest and said good bye to some folks. In what I believe was my first country music quote Xanman offered the correct answer and earned himself a little Random Award. His latest column, You Drink, I’ll Pour is a fine demonstration of Xan’s return to his regular bitter self, so give it a look, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. Thanks for playing along Xanner, your patronage is much appreciated. First, a brief explanation. I started this a few weeks ago, and it had moderate success thus far, so I’ll attempt to continue it here. Consider this to be a “Billboard’s Top Ten” for all “genres” wrestling. Simply send me your top ten list by clicking HERE and next week all votes will be compiled to form my Random Acts of Wrestling segment. You’re smart kids, you’ll figure it out. Another warning: It’s been a few weeks sense these votes have been cast, and the ECW flavor shows through. Send me your votes, otherwise I’ll have no list to compile, and that would suck worse than the latest Ayagollah column. 10) Joey Styles No doubt people were amped up to hear the signature calls again, though I don’t imagine he’ll be on the list very long. 9) MNM Falling considerably from last week, MNM still remains a bit of an enigma as ‘net fans try and determine just how they feel about the new upstart tag team. 8) Paul Heyman His “shoot” promo had a lot to do with his placing here, but I can’t help but feel like a sense of optimism that he may return to an on air role full time got him some extra votes as well. 7) Eddie vs. Rey Smackdown’s hottest feud in years has the attention of the IWC. Where it goes from here will be curious to watch. 6) Chris Benoit Almost everybody was excited to see him on Smackdown, though a somewhat unimpressive debut thus far for the blue man group may knock him off next weeks list. 5) The Draft This may have been the WWE turning a corner with the brand extension idea, since The Draft has been on the list since its inception. Obviously it likely won’t stay there having come to an end, though I suppose stranger things have happened. 4) Shelton Benjamin Internet darling Shelton was hotter than Molina’s ring entrance there for a while, but dropping the title and going MIA on the latest edition of Raw may cool him off a bit. Situations like this are what compel me about this list, as it has proven a solid gauge thus far of the feelings and mood of the IWC. 3) John Cena Ha! For all the hating that gets directed at this guy, readers have voted him near the top every week thus far. His move to Raw is compelling. Will he drop the title and fall to the upper-midcard ala Chris Jericho? What will his interaction be with Triple H? It’s sink or swim time for the leader of the chain gang, and readers of this column seem to think he’s gonna be doin laps. 2) Christian I blame this entirely on their being too many Canadians in my fan base. Christian’s move to Smackdown could, like Cena, be a real Make or Break time for Captain. Some still see him as a main event player, I am honestly 100% undecided on the guy. Maybe your votes can convince me. 1) ECW The hottest commodity in wrestling over the last few weeks may finally be cooling off. DVD sales are doing well as I understand, but not exactly doing “Rise and Fall” type numbers. The buy rates were EXTREMELY overestimated early, and apparently the buy rates were somewhere near the norm for successful PPVs. The WWE seems reluctant to pull the trigger on any sort of comeback for the brand, so the ECW legacy may fall back into the realm of wrestling lore once again. I sincerely appreciate everybody stopping in today, and I hope that my little column here didn’t disappoint you. Even if it did, let me know my e-mail’s at the bottom. Don’t forget also that I just so happen to have the most interactive column on the internet, so be sure to send me the author of the quote and some info to plug, as well as your top ten list so I can get that ready for next week. If you dig creative writing and/or philosophy sorts of things, I just launched my own website(s) last night that you can all feel free to check out. I’d especially love to hear your thoughts on it, good or bad. You can find that at www.theprojectlives.com or if you’re more into audio type things you can check out my other endeavor www.projectradio.net So, I guess now that the thank you’s and the commercials are out of the way, I got nothing left. Questions and/or comments are always welcome, and I’ll be seeing you again next Saturday. Until then, I am the one called Random and I thank you for visiting the Nosebleed Section, but next time, get better seats.. Click here to send ’em feedback! *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING!! More Uncensored Kelly Kelly Bikini Photos! Very Rare!
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