All About the Game: The WB Clinic
    Submitted by YourAyatollah on Sunday, June 26, 2005 at 6:59 AM EST



    ALL ABOUT THE GAME: THE WB CLINIC








    Hello, all, and welcome once again to AATG. If you're a new reader, simply welcome, and where the fuck have you been? Here's hoping that the past week has treated everyone well, or at least free of any major amputations. As usual, no significant complaints from Your Ayatollah. Life just keeps on rolling by, and I just keep on holding on for the ride. Not much else you can really do, eh?


    Work was actually pretty boring this week, surprise, surprise. I gotta say, though, I'm getting pretty sick of people giving me shit over the high gas prices. First of all, my boss can't even really control the cost of gas. We're currently at $2.08 for a gallon of unleaded, and the bossman is making maybe 3 cents per gallon at that rate. I don't know how adept at mathematics everyone here is, but that ain't exactly a buttload of cash. Folks don't seem to understand that part of gas station economics, though, nor do I really expect anyone to. I mean, honestly, unless you've either worked at or known someone who owns a gas station, there's no way you could know.


    That said, why the fuck is everyone complaining to me? I'm just a clerk, people, nothing more and nothing less. I didn't get the private line to OPEC upon taking the job, and I can no more tell my boss how to run his business than you can yours. I have nothing more to do with the price of gas than I do the price of Pepsi, Funyons, or any other random thing I sell every day. The part I find incredibly ironic, of course, is when some 18 year old kid in a new Hummer his daddy paid for fills up, then has the nerve to be a dick to me because it costs so damn much to do so. I guess it makes me a big ol' pussy or something, but I just don't see the point in driving a massive vehicle in today's economy. I guess that's why I'm single, though, while Hummer boy has a different chick on his arm every time I see him.


    Ah, who the hell am I kidding? Even if I had the fuckin' Batmobile parked outside, I'd still be too big of a girly man to try and make a move on any pretty lass. As devlishly handsome as I am, my eternal curse seems to be an inability to put it to any good use. You guys don't care to hear me wallowing in my self pity, though, so how's about we bust this mother open for another week?  


    I know the title probably doesn't make much sense to many of you, which is cool. It's simply a takeoff on one of my favorite columns, The VB Clinic by my Main MotherFucker, Valleyboy, with a slight twist. See, my children, this week I bring to you a special attraction, one that a few of my longtime readers have been asking for since it's last appearance more than a year ago. That's right, kids, it's time for another visit from my pal and yours, Wrestling Bryan. If you're confused, read on, and all will be explained in short order. I do believe I've said enough here, so, without further ado....


    TIME TO PLAY THE GAME


    A bit of backstory, if I may, as this is the first time most of you have had the pleasure of meeting my friend Bryan. Back in my high school days, I was in art class with one of the "special" kids. The guy's name was Bryan, if you hadn't gathered that already, and aside from the occasional "Hey, man" as I'd go to sharpen my pencil or some shit, we didn't really have that much to say to one another.


    Until, that is, the fateful day when I decided to wear my spiffy new Undertaker shirt to school. Upon entering the classroom, I noticed that Bryan immediately stopped what he was doing and stared agape at my shirt as though it were the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Sorry, vague South Park joke. Either way, come to find out that wrestling was only Bryan's, like, entire reason for living outside of his job at the local Kroger bagging groceries. As soon as I took my seat, he pulled his right up next to me and started grilling me about the sport of kings.


    The thing was, dude was asking me so many questions all at once that there was no way I could possibly keep up. When I did actually try to get in an answer or two, he seemed to pay no mind, just moving on to the next in a line of seemingly endless queries. This went on for thirty minutes or so, until the teacher could apparently sense my quiet desperation and told him to go back to his own seat. I thought nothing of it, of course. If all it takes is a little bit of annoying chatter to make this guy's day, then who am I to deprive a brother? Besides, it was only a one time deal, right?


    That was long about seven years ago, now, and every single time I see Bryan the same shit goes down. About a year and a half ago, I decided it might be funny to transcribe one of our "conversations" and make a column out of it. Eugene had just debuted and, though it may sound a bit off, I thought it a brilliant idea to get a retarded guy's take on the retarded wrestler everyone was talking so much about.   Everyone loved Bryan immediately, and it was obvious that a sequel was in order. That one was even more well recieved than the first, so I've just been waiting for the chance to pimp out the gimmick at least one more time.


    Thing is, there's no Wrestling Bryan stories if I don't see Wrestling Bryan, if you dig. Lo and behold if my wishes weren't granted this past Friday night, though, as a very familiar bespectacled fellow came riding up to the gas station on his old school ten speed, carrying the newest issue of SmackDown! Magazine....

    Wrestling Bryan: Hey, Steven. Do you guys sell Coke here? Man, I love Coke. I'm supposed to come here and buy a Coke and then head straight back home.

    Steve: Hey, Bryan, how've you been, man? Been a long time. Yeah,
    we've got Coke. Right back there in the last cooler, under the Mountain Dew.

    WB: I heard Mountain Dew makes your balls shrink. Hey, do you have
    this one? I've got a prescription to SmackDown Magazine, and RAW Magazine, too. It's got Torrie Wilson on the cover, and it came with a free poster. I put it up on my wall. Do you have any wrestling posters?

    S: Yeah, I've got one. It's an older one of Jericho from about 1999.
    My ex got it for me when we were still in high school.

    WB: You mean Mary? Or Kari? Which one got you the poster? I
    should've known you had a Chris Jericho poster. You're, like, in love with him or something. Do you have an Undertaker poster? Is Undertaker your favorite wrestler still? I remember you had an Undertaker shirt one time. Do you still have it?

    S: Yeah, Taker's still my favorite, and that shirt is still floating
    around somewhere. It was Kari who got me the poster, we broke up five years ago. Mary's the one from last year. The one you said wasn't as pretty as Kari with her standing right here.

    WB: I remember that. She wasn't as pretty as Kari. But Torrie Wilson
    is even prettier than her. Do you like Christy Hammie? She's gonna fight Victoria on the pay per view. Are you gonna watch the pay per view?

    S: Yeah, Christy's pretty hot. I dig redheads. I always get the pay
    per views, man, you know that. I hope Victoria beats that little bitch's ass.

    WB: Why? Do you like Victoria? You know, she used to be with Steven
    Richards. He got his nose broke by the Master Lock. Did you see that? It looked like it hurt.

    S: Yeah, Stevie's one of my favorites. It sucked that Masters busted his shit up, but it's cool. I still think the guy has a lot of potential. I also really like Victoria. I've got nothing against Christy, but if she beats Victoria this Sunday, there is something very very wrong.

    WB: No, I think Christy Hammie should win. She got hit in the head
    with some glass, and it busted her head open. Look at this, it's a article about Eddie Guerrero. He thought Rey Mysterious was stealing his Latino Heat, so he beat him up really bad. He almost pulled his mask off. I know what he looks like already, though, because I used to watch him in WCW.

    S: Yeah, me too. I remember seeing the match against Big Sexy where...

    WB: He got beat by Kevin Nash and had to take it off. If he would've
    won, then Miss Elizabeth had to shave her head. Did you know that Lex Luthor killed Miss Elizabeth? But he didn't get arrested because he's so famous.

    S: Yeah, I heard something like that. I actually think that's the
    first time I've heard the words "Lex Luger" and "famous" in the same sentence in about ten years.

    WB: That's funny. Hey, what do you think of the draft? I think The
    Undertaker needs to switch shows, and so does Triple H. Hey, are you gonna watch the pay per view when Triple H fights Nikisha in the Hell in a Cell? Triple H has never lost the Hell in a Cell.

    S: Nikisha? Oh, you mean Batista. Yeah, I'm gonna get the pay per
    view. Like I said, I always do. I think it'd be cool if Undertaker switched to RAW, and it'd be a big change up for Hunter to go to SmackDown. Those are actually probably the two moves I'd like to see most....

    WB: Man, this is a cool towel. Have you seen this John Cena towel in
    SmackDown Magazine? Man, I wish I could buy this stuff. You can get a towel, and a necklace, and a bunch of shirts, and a cd, all for John Cena. Do you have John Cena's cd? It's a rap cd. It's called You Can't See Me. Do you think he's going to beat Chris Jericho and Christian at the pay per view?

    S: Yeah, he probably will, but I'm pulling for Jericho. I don't have
    the John Cena cd, but I've been thinking about getting it. I don't listen to a lot of rap.

    WB: I love rap. "I'm the Slim Shady, I'm the Slim Shady, won't the
    real Slim Shady please stand up." That's my favorite song. I like John Cena because he's a rapper, too, like Eminem. I bet you want Chris Jericho to win that match, huh?

    S: Um, yeah.

    WB: Cool. Hey, did you know Shawn Michaels and Kurt Angle are gonna
    fight for the second time ever in history? They fought once at WrestleMania, but Shawn Michaels said he wants to fight again. Did you see that match? Are you gonna watch that refight on the pay per view this Sunday?

    S: Yeah, I saw WrestleMania, that match was really good. And yeah,
    like I said before, I'm gonna watch the pay per view this Sunday. I think Shawn will win this one, and then they'll have a great third match at SummerSlam or something.

    WB: No, it's their second match, and it's called Vengeance. SummerSlam
    is in a few other months, after the Great American Bash. They used to do King of the Ring, but then Brock Lester won it and nobody could beat him for it. So now they have Vengeance because Brock Lester went to go play football. I think he's the quarterback for the Dolphins now.

    S: Actually, I don't think he made the cut, man, and it was the
    Vikings. And about King of the Ring, they....

    WB: No, he plays quarterback for the Minnesota Dolphins. Their old
    quarterback smoked Crazy Weed and had to quit because it made him go crazy. I never smoked Crazy Weed, it'll make you want to go crazy and kill people and stuff. You never smoked Crazy Weed, did you Steven?

    S: Um, sure, of course not. That stuff's bad for you, or something.

    WB: Yeah, I know, my mom told me that only dumb people do drugs. She
    told me that just because I'm special doesn't mean I have to act like a retard.

    S: I guess that's pretty sound advice.

    WB: What?

    S: Nothing.

    WB: Oh, okay. Hey, I gotta go. I was supposed to come buy a Coke and
    go straight home. Hey, I'm gonna tape the pay per view on Sunday. If you want, I'll let you borrow it some time. Do you know where I work at?

    S: Yeah, man, isn't it still the same place you've always worked?

    WB: I work at Kroger. I bag the people's groceries for them and carry them to the car. They pay me $7 an hour, and I get to eat free doughnuts from the bakery. If you want to borrow the tape of the pay per view, just come to the store and ask me. I'll let you borrow it.

    S: $7 bucks an hour? Shit, that's more than I'm making. I'm gonna
    tape the pay per view, too, so I don't need to borrow your tape. Thanks for offering, though.

    WB: Okay. I'll see you later, Steven.

    S: Sure thing, man, be careful out there on that bike.


    I may have well been talking to myself, as Bryan was out the door and on his bike before the words even left my mouth. After taking a moment to process all the information that I'd just recieved, I turned my attention back to the job at hand, pimping smokes and rubbers for less green than the special kid who bags groceries. The conversation had all but left my mind when suddenly, out of nowhere, I had the strangest feeling of deja vu....


    WB: Hey, Steven. Do you guys sell Coke here? Man, I love Coke. I was
    supposed to just come here and get a Coke, and then head straight back home.....


    GAME OVER


    Well, that was fun. Though it may sound mean, that kid annoys the piss out of me. As I said before, though, it makes his day a little brighter, so what the hell. I know some of you are probably sitting here, now, wondering how Your Ayatollah could possibly have the nerve to sit here and make fun of a retarded kid. Thing is, though, I'm not making this shit up at all. Though I probably didn't remember the exact conversation word for word, what you just read up there was pretty much the gist of the whole thing. He really did call Batista Nikisha, he really does think that Lex Luthor is so famous that he got away with murdering Liz, and he really does ride that old ass bike around town almost constantly, and always with a fresh WWE publication sticking out of his back pocket. Annoying as he may be, I love the kid to death, and I guess I even look forward to the few times I actually get to see him these days. Too bad I'm gonna have to knock him off to get my hands on that sweet grocery bagging gig.


    Alright, my children, tis time once again for Your Ayatollah's Album Pick of the Week. This time around, we'll be taking a trip back to the not so distant past. On September 12, 2003, a giant in the musical world was lost when Johnny Cash passed away after multiple bouts with pneumonia, and the loss of his wife of almost 40 years, finally took their toll on his weakened body. Before he left us, though, Cash released one final album with producer Rick Rubin, who had revitalized the music icon's career in the last decade or so of his life. American IV: The Man Comes Around finds the legendary Man in Black in rare form, a fact that was borne out through the multple awards it recieved both before and after his passing.


    The record kicks off with the always imposing, damn near awe inspiring, sound of Cash's voice reciting the Revalations-esque verses of the title cut, The Man Comes Around. Cash himself said that he worked harder on, and was more proud of, this song than almost any other in his rediculously extensive catalogue. As great a song as it is, though, Comes Around pales in comparison to the stark emotion of the Nine Inch Nails cover song, Hurt. Johnny Cash had the innate ablity to take a song that was as far removed from what you'd expect from him and make it all his own. If you've ever heard the song or seen it's remarkable video, then you know that Hurt is one of those songs that teh Man in Black simply takes over. By the time the acoustic guitar fades out, Hurt is no more a NIN tune anymore than All Along the Watchtower is a Bob Dylan song.


    Hurt is undoubtably the highlight of this record, but the album is far from being over. Cash original Give My Love to Rose is the third cut, and is one of those dark tales of misfortune that JR Cash was put on this planet specifically to tell. Paul Simon's Bridge Over Troubled Water gets the MiB treatment next, mixing Cash's unmistakable baritone with Fiona Apple's almost angelic tones to a truly moving effect. The fifth cut is one of my favorites, as I Hung My Head is an absolute classic piece of American music that tells the tale of accidental murder and eventual redemption.   That's followed quite nicely by the bare bones romanticism of First Time I Ever Saw Your Face.


    Up next is a cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus that makes Marilyn Manson's sound quite simply inadequete by comparison. Self reflection is the theme of the Beatles' In My Life, and it's a theme brought home all that much more by the fact that it's being sung by a man who has just about seen and done it all in his incredible lifetime. The Man shows off some of his trademark grit and fire in the self penned Sam Hall to rousing effect, while a cover of the standard Danny Boy is the exact opposite, showcasing a world weary Cash's vocals over the very slightest of backing music. That's followed up by Don Henley joining Johnny for probably the most effective cover of Desperado ever recorded, which is really saying something considering how many people have taken a shot at the Eagles' classic.


    The 12th cut is one of those you just can't go wrong with, as the best voice in the history of the business sings a song written by the best songwriter the world has probably ever seen. Cash's cover of Hank Williams' I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry, with alternative legend Nick Cave on backup, doesn't outdo Hank's amazing original, but it comes damn close. The Man covers himself next with an inspired redo of his standard Tear Stained Letter, before telling another of those sad, sad songs of misfortune with Streets of Laredo. The final track on the album stands in contrast to the rest, as the darkened tone gives way to an almost playful optimism in We'll Meet Again. I swear, it's almost as if Cash knew this was his swansong, and recorded this simple "See you later" as one last parting shot to the fans he loved so dearly for more almost 50 years


    Johnny Cash was an American original. In all these years there never has been, and never will be, another like him. For almost half a century, the Man in Black somehow maintained his position as both one of the most feared and respected men in the music world, while still remaining one of it's most compassionate and genuine figures. People write off Cash's music as "redneck" or "hillbilly" or whatever, but that label couldn't be farther from the truth. John R. Cash sang about the poor and disenfranchised, the wicked and condemned, of undying love and unrequited passion. Johnny Cash sang about you and me, my children, and did so in a fashion that is has touched lives since before many of our parents were born. Cash never once sang "country" music, he sang American music, and nobody will ever again encapsulate exactly what that means now that he is gone. So if you're an old fan, or if you've never had the pleasure of hearing that legendary voice, get out and find yourself a copy of American IV: The Man Comes Around by the legendary Man in Black, Johnny Cash, Your Ayatollah commands it. We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know how, but I know we'll meet again some sunny day.


    Well, the Album Pick went on a bit long, this time. I just went back over it, looking for something to edit out, but I pretty much meant every word I said, there. I love Johnny Cash, and this swansong album is as fitting a coda to a great man's legacy as I can imagine. Tell me, kids, to you think Toby Keith will be producing such ground breaking, inspired music when he's 70? I don't think so.


    Hope you guys enjoyed this one, novel length Album Pick and all. I've always really enjoyed telling you guys of my unique conversations with Bryan, and this time was no different. Let me know what you thought, guys, either via the address below or by clicking my name up top. All feedback is more than welcome, and I personally guarantee a response to any and all emails I recieve. Enjoy Vengeance, everyone, and let me know if you aren't going to be able to watch, I think I just may know where you can borrow a tape of it. Until we get together to do this all again, you guys take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, kids. Later.



    -Steve
    YourAyatollah@webtv.net




    *NEW GALLERY* Hot Photos of Shawn Michaels' Wife Rebecca!!

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