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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, April 24, 2005 at 3:33 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – The Injury of Triple H Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin’ With The Bossman, the column that isn’t afraid to make mistake and admit them. Now, if only WWE would do the same. It’s been a wild week of wrestling and there was a long plane ride and that means there’s only one question to ask. Who went nuts over seas? It seems that long plane rides seem to have this effect on the staff of WWE and some one always snaps. First, it was Brock Lensar and Mr. Perfect, along with Goldust and Ric Flair, X-Pac, Michael Hayes, and a Mullet. Then it was Bradshaw, Ric Flair again I think, and then the lock down on news went into effect and it was silent for a while. Then we got Amy Weber and Edge, Bradshaw again, and people quitting. So, who was it this time? Brian Hebner. Yep, a lowly ref got rowdy, maybe reliving Juvetud’s glory days on X. Either way, thanks Brian, for living up to the past. In some other news, the mystery of the Birdman can finally be laid to rest. Thanks to everyone who emailed me and tried to set this old fart straight. But mad props (is that still hip?) to MC Waite for sending in this: Bossman, First off, great column. I enjoy it. In answer to your Birdman question, I thought you might want to check out this link: http://www.sixshot.com/articles/3497/ It might clear some things up, or give you an idea of what to look for. Sincerely, MC Thanks MC, that clears everything up. Now I have to find something else to ponder about. Get right on that WWE. Oh wait, I do have something. Is that Jenna Jameson in those Cheddar Bacon Chicken Tendercrisp Commercials? But that’s for next week. One mystery at a time. Well, when it comes to commercials. Wrestling is all about it. Let’s take a look shall we? WWE TV – The Series Raw Recap courtesy of Carl Walsh JR and Bischoff, Best Buds Bischoff consoles JR, and tells him he’ll help him out. By making the match a no-DQ match. So, we know there will be a run in. Edge vs Benoit Good match that had no ending, as it became clear this was to set up the PPV match. Hot Chicks and More Hot Chicks A bunch of chicks were standing around looking at WWE magazine. Nice product placement. Benoit and Edge came through brawling. Eric shows up and gives them a Last Man Standing Match. Now, I like the concept of a Last Man Standing Match, but WWE has given us two recently and the winner of those matches? NO ONE. That is just wrong. So, please, the match itself will be good, would it kill you to have an honest to goodness winner? What next? Trish Loves Lita You know, those New York fans had me in stitches. It was a decent promo by Trish. Not great, but she should be given credit for adapting under the conditions and working it into her act. Damn she’s good. Lita, well, Lita is just Lita. She got booed, she’ll get booed again, so have her make out with Kane some more and start the transformation to heel. She uses Kane to get what she wants, and what she wants is Trish’s belt. Trish does need a friend, but Viscera? I’m sorry I said anything Trish. You’re too talented for your own good. But maybe Vis isn’t talking about doing the nasty. Maybe all he wants is a sandwich. Because you know, eating is a business to him, and eating does give him pleasure, so maybe that was it and he was only checking to see if you had any lunch stuck to your teeth. A man can dream can’t he? Where’s Snitsky when you need him? The Homos vs The Tag Team Champions Wait, they’re name isn’t the Homos it’s the Heart Throbs? Sorry, my mistake. Tajiri does most of the work, and I’d almost forgotten what a great wrestler he is. Nice to see him back in action. Regal comes for the clean up duty and sets up Tajiri for the pin. He then leaves the ring and Tajiri gets beat down. -Now, Regal is a hell of a talker and as a manager who wrestlers every blue moon, he would be fantastic. But I don’t like seeing regal as a fulltime wrestler, because he isn’t a fulltime wrestler. He’s a once every couple of weeks wrestler. HBK, Hogan, and Arabs HBK and Hogan. Was there a match? Who can remember? Well, there was, and it was short. HBK won by DQ, got beat down and Hogan made the save. Then one of the most interesting things I’ve seen in a long time happened. Hogan and HBK were both competing for the spotlight. Oh, this is going to be good. Round One – Hogan. Chris Masters Challenge I got an email asking me to give Master’s a chance. The guy made some very good points, and he’s right. To a point. It is too soon to say fire Masters. He just got here. So, for this bit, I kept an open mind. The guy is good as an asshole. What I don’t like is the way that the announcers drooled over his looks. HE really looks no different to me than most of the other guys. Maybe shorter. But still, Masters made the Full Nelson look devastating. When he applies it to some one other than a jobber, that will be the real key. Simon Dean (Who Sucks) vs Shelton Benjamin Jericho came out and sang a song. It wasn’t good. Slightly amusing yes, but not good. Jericho then joined King and JR for broadcast duties. The match wasn’t bad, but the constant cutting to Jericho didn’t help. In the end, Shelton won, Jericho cheered, and that was it. -I’m going to go off on a tangent here. There is one sure-fire money feud that WWE has. It’s been years in the making. Jericho vs H, with Jericho as the star and H playing second fiddle. Jericho can wrestle. Jericho can talk. Sure, it’s been said before, but now, after the last few weeks, where H was weakened and really shined in that role, I think this could be a damn good feud. One that can last for months. H will win in the end, everyone knows that, but for those few months, fans will believe that H isn’t the power hungry, manipulative married-to-the-Boss’s-daughter- so-he’ll-get-the-push-no-matter-what bastard that most folks think he is. Christian Speaks Yep. Tomko has his character down pat and can play him well. All he needs to do now is start wrestling frequently again. Vince made his appearance and Christian had the line of the night. "I’ll go to Smackdown and BEAT John Cena and TAKE his title, cuz that’s how I roll!" Damn skippy Christian, you’d be the MAN on Smackdown in a feud against Cena. That is a money program right there. What about Tomko you ask? Guard Edge’s Briefcase. What about Christian? Pick up Luther. That’s a solid paring. Not as a tag team, but as two guys on the same team, if you know what I mean. Oh, and Vince? How are those transplanted quads working out for you? I’d be leery too if I bought them on the black market, but they seem to be working well. Two blown quads, two and a half months. Yeah, that’s normal. Nothing suspicious about that. Not at all. H Speaks. Triple H vs Batista II. Here’s a caption, who cares? Not me, I’m keeping my money, since I just spent almost twice that much on Wrestlemania. I love Hogan, but I’m not paying to see him, since I’ll be able to see him Monday, and watching him wrestle is not what I’m looking forward to. Oh, and H gets a video, since we all know he needs to be hyped. Constantly. JR vs H JR wins. Yep, JR wins. I’m shocked, just plain shocked. But after all the times that H has beaten up JR, at least twice a year I think, it’s finally time. And it’s all for Batista. Smackdown By Brandon Scott Berthelot Bradshaw opens the show, arriving in his limo. He goes right to the announce table. Oh, and he has the old title. It looks beat up. So, your former champion and current title contender, is walking around with a broken down belt, claiming he is still the champion. Big Show vs Booker T Kurt Angle then shows up, and joins the announce team. Decent match, but the two at ringside made it hard to follow. Show gets knocked from the ring, and JBL and Kurt attack. It’s a brawl with n winner. Teddy shows up and makes the match next week a Fatal Fourway between Booker, Show, Angle, and Bradshaw. He also makes a tag match for later tonight. Carlito’s Cabana His guest this week is Eddie Guerero. Eddie says that Carlito is trying to make trouble. Rey shows up, and it’s explanation time. Weak excuse, and thank goodness MNM show up and challenge again for the titles. MNM then attack Eddie’s low rider with spray paint. That’s a shame as that was a really nice paint job. The match is on. Matt Morgan Speaks He’s got a new look, but that’s not all. He now has a stutter. Oh man. The promo that wasn’t stuttered was OK, but not great. WWE loves to recycle old ideas. Just not the good ones. Brandon, you seriously bough Macho man’s CD? Matt Morgan vs Jobber Quick Squash match. So, this guy is going to take on Heidenreich? Bradshaw and Angle vs Big Show and Booker T Big Show and Booker have a good chemistry. If they don’t feud as friendly competitors, then they should be a team. Not a tag team, but two guys who work together. Add Sharmell to the mix and you got something. Not a bad match, with some good explosiveness and series. Bradshaw gets isolated and Angle walks away. Pretty good finish. Heidenreich Speaks He’s a goofy crazy face now. He wants friends. Special friends like Michael Cole. Brooklyn Brawler comes out and turns heel. For Heidenreich. He’s now the Boston Brawler. Big time heat. For Heidenreich. Sad, just sad. And it’s all so that Matt Morgan can feud with him. Even worse. I do find it funny that two guys are going to feud. One, who can supposedly talk, has been saddled with a stuttering gimmick and the other guy has enough problems speaking on his own. MNM vs Eddie and Rey Good match, but the rookies need to get familiar with the TV style. But the match is given a lot of time, and it does click, just not all the time. End sees Melina provide the distraction so that Rey gets double teamed and pinned, thus losing the Tag Team Championship. - The only drawback to MNM’s gimmick? Name dropping. It comes across as fake if the celebs aren’t going to be there at some point. John Cena vs Orlando Jordan Pretty good match, as earlier Orlando showed some leadership skills. The match was good. Both guys worked well together, with some good near falls and good psychology. End was A Basham showing up and interfering, but Cena getting the opportunity and making the best of it by getting the pin. Wow, two jam packed, fully loaded shows. WWE is pulling out all the stops. I think this calls for a special Over-Analyzing Wrestling. But first- Kane’s House In the Lawn and Garden Section Raven is overseeing the defenses, when a scout comes running up. Raven: Put a line of garden gnomes over here. K-Kwik: Garden gnomes? Man, what good is that going to do? Raven: It will slow the floor crew. They can’t help but try and squash smaller guys. AJ Styles: Raven! They’re on the move! Raven: How much time do we have? AJ: Not long! Another scout comes running up. Elix: CHIEF! The Cashiers are moving! Raven: Damn! OK people! Take your position! A mist drifts up from nowhere, shrouding the aisles of merchandise. The Independents take their spots behind barricades fashioned from available materials, mostly piled chairs, tables, and bags of dirt, with the occasional wall of flowerpots. The sounds of a war cry, rising and falling can be heard growing closer. From the other side, another sound can be heard, one like singing, growing steadily closer. Finally, at the front line shapes can be seen through the fog. Large, brutish shapes approach, but stop a good distance from the front line. Nervous hardcore type clutch their make shift weapons close as they get a good look at their attackers. Triple H: -pant- Troops!-pant-HALT! The army of Floor crew, out of breath, stops gratefully, some falling to the crowd, gasping for breath. Viscera: Thank God! I’m not used to moving this much. Triple H: YOU BEHIND THE BARRICADES! SURRENDER NOW OR FACE MY WRATH! Raven: Never! We got interviews scheduled! You’ll never fire us alive! Triple H: First wave! ATTACK! The front lines converge as the bigger guys fall upon the garden gnomes with a devastating array of elbow and leg drops, buying time to for the hardcore kooks to attack. From the other side… Christopher Daniels: OK troops! Keep your eyes peeled! They may be small, but they’re quick! Don’t use your lead pipes and chains until you see the whites of their eyes! A sudden whoosh causes the front line defenders to duck. Amazing Red: What was that? Another shadow flies overhead, only this one hits D-Lo Brown and knocks him down with a beautiful Shooting Star Press. AJ Styles: Hey! That’s MY move! Paul London: Not anymore! It’s mine now! AJ Styles: You son of a bitch! I’ll show you! And the battle rages on… Meanwhile… Bossman is leading a small select squad through the deserted and empty grocery section. Bossman: Keep it tight! We don’t want to get separated. Mark Henry could be anywhere. Shark Boy: I’m scared Ultimo! Bossman: We all are son, but we’ll get through this! WE just have to move quickly and quietly, and we can slip by the battle and get to Vince, give him our demands, and it will all be over soon. Spike: SHHH! What’s that? The sounds of a crunching and chewing can be heard. Bossman signals to Tajiri to sneak forward and take a look. The small Oriental man slips away, and returns shortly, trembling in fear. He starts to speak, but in Japanese. Spike: What did he say Utlimo? Bossman: Uh.. he said that mark Henry is close! OK troops, we’ll have to backtrack! Try to find another way around Mark. The sounds of chewing stop and are replaced by the sounds of sniffing. The group freezes. Mark: I smell Twinkies! Bossman looks over his group with alarm. He points to them. Finally, Hurricane pulls out a pack of Twinkies. He whispers. Hurricane: I was saving these for later. They were under my spare underwear and that guy can still smell them? Whatsupwitdat? The last was spoken a little too loudly as suddenly the ground shakes and Mark Henry roars. Mark Henry: Somebody got Twinkies! WHO GOT TWINKIES? Mark Hungry! Bossman: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The group takes off in terror. Panicked minutes later, the group has pauses to take a rest, and take stock. Bossman: Everybody still here? Good. Is mark still after us? Spike: Yeah, I still feel the ground shaking. Hurricane, did you lose the Twinkies? Hurricane: I dropped them seven aisles back, but it didn’t stop him. Bossman: DAMMIT! How can he still be after us? Mark Henry: MARK SMELL PIZZA! MARK LOVE PIZZA! Bossman looks over at a perspiring Nunzio. Nunzio: Hey, I ain’t got no food! I’m just Italian! Bossman: Well, we can’t leave you behind. We’ll just have to change the plan. OK guys, here’s the plan… Back at the battle… It’s a scene of carnage. On the one side, broken garden gnomes are everywhere, along with broken tables and chairs, providing more weapons to the hardcore independents, but their numbers have dwindled, as the bodies hanging from the roof and on top of piles of debris can attest. On the other, twisted bodies line the ranks, as fatigue has slowed the aerial assault, moving to the ground. Neither side is willing to give ground, and inches are fought over tooth and nail. In some areas the battle has joined, with hardcore facing Cashier with Floor crew in the middle. Utter confusion reigns, as no one knows whether to look up down or sideways for where the next attack will come from. On the sideline, yelling at his troops to do better, Triple H is interrupted by Ric carrying Dave. Ric: Champ! Dave needs help! Dave: I’m sorry coach, two of those cashiers jumped me, and then some crazy guy hit me with a Casio keyboard from behind. Triple H: Coach? I’m the CHAMP! Suddenly Shark Boy runs onto the scene. Shark Boy: STOP! ALL OF YOU STOP! The battle slows to see what this newcomer has to say. Shark Boy: My fellow Cashiers and member of the Floor Crew! We have to stop this madness! Look at us! WE should be working together! Floor Crew and Cashiers! We’re part of the same team! Cashiers! We’re the ones who greet the customers, and help them find what they’re looking for, but how many times is that item on the top shelf and too heavy to get down? WE need the Floor crew to get it, not for us, but for the customer! Floor Crew! How many times have you been stopped by an irate customer who wants to return something, and you need a cashier to diffuse the situation and take the heat for you? Too many! Together, we’re a team, working to bring the customers in and spend their money. Sure, some come only for the cashiers, but some come for the Floor crew! It’s all about customer service! Together, we offer something for everyone! But we have to stand together! Because if we don’t, then Tagliabue’s Warehouse and the Selig Shop Rights will take over! Shark Boy: Don’t you see? If we don’t work together, then we’re all losers! Some things are just too big for the cashiers to handle and some things need the handling of the cashiers, but together we can move a mountain of merchandise at great prices, friendly and courteous service and with a style all our own. And if we don’t move that merchandise, some one else will. United, we can overcome anything! And some things we can all agree on are worse than what we think things will be like if only one has a say in how it should be done. Indeed, some things need both of us to handle, or we’ll both be lost. Just then, Bossman and his party rush on to the scene. They don’t stop, just yell and run. Bossman: He’s right behind us! Shark Boy: And I think we can all agree that Mark Henry is one of those things we can agree on…. Over-Analyzing Wrestling Today’s Topic: Brace Yourselves…. Man, it’s been a jam-packed few weeks of wrestling after Wrestlemania. WE got the return of Hogan, the Draft, and a title tournament on Smackdown, and then there’s the impending Divas Search 2, and can another Tough Enough be far behind? Austin made a brief appearance, but I’m sure more are in the works. Yep, WWE is pulling out all the stops. But why? Why now? Why this huge push? There are plenty of reasons to through out there. There’s the cable deal with USA coming, and a push for ratings. There’s the fact that the NFL is moving the Monday night games to cable, which will pretty much make sure that WWE is never the number one show on cable while Football is on. But then, there’s the injury of Triple H to think about. And let’s not forget that one of the writers just quit recently, right about the time that Heidenriech made it back to TV, Kane and Lita got hot and heavy again, and Jericho went right for the IC belt.. Coincidence? I think not. Let’s take a look. The Injury Of Triple H: I think it really starts here. It’s easy to overlook the fact that WWE is built around him. When he got hurt, the possibility of losing H threw everything for a loop. I do find it out that H seems to be getting the short end of the stick recently. Even with all his hype of H vs Batista II, and still getting plenty of screen time, let’s take a quick look at the aftermath of WM. HBK – Hogan's sidekick. Lost at WM Angle – Won at WM, but now on a level with JBL JBL – Playing a clown, lost at WM Cena – Champ, but is still building Batista - Won, but hasn’t wrestled and is playing second fiddle to H Orton –Lost, injured, out for week Undertaker – Won, on vacation, watching fights with Shane McMahon in Vegas Triple H -Lost at WM, lost to JR, So, who came out on top? Taker, who is getting paid leave while the shows scramble. But H is still the man. He’s dropped, but barely. When he got hurt, all the heat getting measures that Vince and Steph had on tap took a break.. Raw seems to pushing it’s younger stars, but not the midcard, established stars that most folks want to see break out of the midcard. Writer Quits The first blow. I think he’s the guy who put Raw on track, and while not everything was great, it was leagues better than what we got last year at the same time. Oh, and Gerwitz has emerged from under his rock. That is never good. I also read that the outgoing guy knew nothing about wrestling. I say, he may not have know about crappy angles and stupid plots, but he sure as hell knew GOOD TV, which must be different from management’s vision of what wrestling is, that is to say, crap. With the old guy gone, it’s back to bringing out creepyness, racism, and homo antics. The return of the retard can’t be far behind. Also, it’s time to rewrite history. At least on Smackdown. Divas Search 2 Absolutely no need to bring this back. None at all. It’s way too soon. The ones who made it haven’t been established yet, and folks have barely started learning their names. The only reason I can think for doing this is to boost ratings, as yes, the Divas Search did help the ratings. I’ll say it again. Never under estimate the power of a hot chick on TV. But the exact same ratings boost could be done and actually get the WWE paid instead of paying for it. There’s a new Divas DVD out. A simple promotional spot highlighting each individual Divas shoot, along with some fluff pieces, hypes the WWE, increasing sales, gets hot chicks on TV, sets up angles, and most important of all, has a damn good chance of increasing ratings. Viola, and no need to spend $250K on a good chance of getting another Carmella. The Divas Search was used to first time to bolster the ratings black hole that was Kane and Lita, with Snitsky. The fact that they’re trotting out another contest leads me to think that the angles are going to be on the same level the first time. That is, hilarious, but not meant to be. Hogan Like Mick Foley, was used to bolster the buy rates after Wrestlemania a few years ago, WWE has brought in Hogan. Now, I get the feeling that Hogan wasn’t the first choice, but like so many times before, when you show Hogan once, fans want more. The Hall of Fame reaction strikes again. Hmm, I wonder how many in attendance were Canadian? But Hogan won’t stand for, and doesn’t have to frankly, for crappy angles. I believe that Hogan was the one who was going to be beating up Zack Gowan, and that lovely job went to Lesnar instead. Hogan got out at the right time. But, Hogan's involvement with WWE is purely financial, let’s not make any bones about that. It’s up to WWE to make their money off of Hogan, not Hogan’s job to make money for WWE. If they were smart, they would have had a bunch of Hogan merchandise ready to go before WM, and now, they should start putting together a Hogan DVD to sell. That way, you can make plans for him to come back later, since this angle shouldn’t last too long, and there will be a financial motive to get Hogan back. The Lotteraft That is something to get people excited about now, to help them look past the crappy angles that are only now making their way to TV. Football on Monday It’s going to be tough for WWE, now that they have pulled the trigger. Can they keep the fans that might stick around past all the hoopla? One thing is for sure. Football usually got a six or seven rating on Sunday nights on Cable. WWE isn’t getting close to those numbers. Also, with the possibility of a flexible schedule to help make sure that the Monday night games are exciting, it will be interesting to see what WWE plans to fight for the top spot. Basically all signs point to a huge push to gain viewers for WWE. But aside from the promotional, limited effectiveness tricks, is there anything to keep viewers once the hype has worn off? Angles on Raw has some promise, but with all these extra events taking up time, can they tell enough of a story to make fans not just happy, but happy enough to sit through the crap to get to those spots? It does appear that WWE is staggering the events, but the positive first impression may wear off when it comes time to take place. The Draft is rumored to take place after the PPV’s which clear the Hogan effect. The Divas Search is probably after that, and then it’s almost time for football season, where the supposedly extra viewers will come in handy. But, by that time, it may be too late, or it may buy enough time for WWE to come up with the Next Big Hype. But one thing is for sure, it’s not going to be pretty. Brace yourselves, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. OK folks, that’s it for today. Quick Plugs a quick news blurb, and then it’s time to roll. Trish Stratus Story There was a fake interview floating around with Trish Stratus. It was a hilarious read. It was so full of wacky stuff it came across as fake. She talked about shaving her muff, walking around naked, and basically, just stuff horny guys think up. I will say this. It was a compelling read. Baseball Fan Attacks Player You know where all this got started? When that rat bastard kid grabbed a fly ball at the World Series years ago. Since then, it’s gotten out of hand. New Yorkers thought it was great, because they won, but now, everyone wants to get in on the action. Players now feel like they can be part of the game. By getting involved. Way to go Yankees. Support your team. Hate the Yankees. Quick Plugs and It’s time to go. LOP Forums! LOP Columns Forum PWA – Best E-Fed On The Net The Movie Bar Is Back! new Reviews! New Contests! And The Forums are still there! That’s it for today. Until Next Time, Thanks For Reading, and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* Simply AMAZING Gallery Dedicated to Amy "Lita" Dumas HOT POSES!
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