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Submitted by Phantom Lord on Saturday, April 16, 2005 at 1:18 AM EST
Each edition of my column I grant this award, because obviously, I am a fan of the hoss. While most IWC members love to bash the hoss, I love the big doofs. There’s something about a guy that’s huge that maybe just really scares the shit out of me. These guys are big, and could legitimately hurt any of us. Nothing in the main page column comes easy. The Hoss of the Week is no different. At Wrestlemania there was one man that made the crowd pop more than all the others. There was one man that literally “stole” the show for ten minutes. He’s also the man that will be the first to win this award without actually wrestling at all this week. That’s star power. On RAW this past week, there was almost a “touching plea” from Shawn Michaels. That plea was to Hulk Hogan and it was to come back and wrestle with him against Hassan and Daivari at RAW’s next PPV. I love this pick because I know that certain “smart” people think that Hogan is a glass ceiling, and that he is bad for the business. Yet, at Wrestlemania, who received the loudest chants? Who received the biggest pop? Granted, he then took 10 minutes out of our time to pose for pictures, but…didn’t you need to pee anyway? You’ve gotta pee sometime don’t you? Hogan will single handedly jump the buy rates if the show is promoted properly, and that’s a positive thing for the WWE. Plus, it will give us a chance to see Shawn Michaels and Hulk Hogan perform together. The Hassan character needs someone like Hulk Hogan. Shit, not like Hulk Hogan. He needs Hulk Hogan. He’s gotten over so far on his own, but with proper booking, this can put him over for good as a Main Event Heel. Even if, as we all know, he will job again to the Leg Drop of Doom. That’s what Hogan is. He’s a happy ending. The people like a happy ending. Let Mr. Fuji and Iron Sheik get in a good amount of offensive moves and they won’t lose any heat. Match of the Week: This is not about mark out moment, or a fight over a belt or coconut. This is all about two guys (or girls) going out and giving it their all just to entertain us… This one is a lot easier choice than the last one. The Match of the Week was the Guerrero vs. Angle epic from Smackdown on April 14th. The crowd was into it, I was into it, and even if it wasn’t their BEST work together, it was free. That’s what this award is all about sometimes. This match was two guys going out on free TV and breaking each other down for 20 minutes to please us. When the match started I thought “What sort of swerve are we going to get?” because it was only 9:41pm. There was still 19 minutes left!? Could they let them go that long? Guerrero really redeemed himself in my eyes from that Wrestlemania match, which he didn’t look at all into. Angle on the other hand has looked ON recently. He seems in the best shape of his life, and I hope it’s because we will see him against Cena for the title and a little redemption. If anyone can put Cena ALL THE WAY OVER, it’s Angle. Thank you Kurt and Eddie.  This is my chance to dissect something. It can get ugly, it can be an homage. This time, I chose to look at the negativity all around us: Cry Me A River When I first stumbled across this website looking for RAW results, I had never heard the word “kayfabe”. I actually had to go Google it immediately. I found some site that actually had a whole glossary of Professional Wrestling terms. Some of them I knew from having watched some documentary on A&E about wrestling while flipping channels one night. Everything about the internet wrestling community, or IWC, really interested me. I would visit during my lunch every day, since I usually eat my lunch at my desk. The news and results were great, since I really didn’t watch the show. A month into reading results on this site, I found myself taping the shows. I would go back and watch them when my fiancé wasn’t around and I had the free time. Soon my Monday’s became “busy”, as I just had to watch RAW. Like some of you I soon grew tired, or just ran out of material, on the Main Page to read, so I ventured into the forums after reading a particularly interesting column by RandomGuy#5. There I discovered a whole new world. One of 24 hour discussion of current wrestling events from all sorts of federations, both alive, and sadly, those past. What most stood out to me though was the negativity. Everything was “that sucks balls” and “He can’t wrestle for shit”. Everybody had an opinion, and they all were right. I’ve always thought opinions were like assholes, because every one had one. If that’s true, then the IWC is Bootyman, Goldust, Rico, and Billy Gunn’s hometown. (Wait, that was the last column… stupid stoner). When I realized I had the chance to expand my audience to the main page, I realized that this topic must be discussed. I ask you this: Would you watch Alias or even 60 Minutes and think “This sucks so far, but maybe it will pick up for the second half hour ratings”? No. Never. Yet people will sit there and critique a show they are watching to supposedly be entertained by and actually say they “hated” the whole thing. Why watch I say. Even worse, why get on the computer and bitch about it. In real time even. It baffles me. Granted, I am not going to sit here and pass out lollipops and say that everything was amazing. I don’t think that Triple H should get at least 15 minutes of promo time each week. I do believe though that right now he’s the best there is. The fact that he’s married to Steph and actually part of the creative process is a testament to him. Life truly is “All About the Game, and how you play it.” He’s playing it extremely well. Is he Benoit in the ring? No. Is Benoit as good as Trips on the mic? No. Do I watch RAW and enjoy it? Yes. I do, pretty much every week. Of course, some things I can’t help but bitch about. Take TNA for example. I can bitch about these guys all day and still save room to talk about Don West tomorrow. (What is he nodding about?) The handling of that fed has been a joke from the moment I started to enjoy it, and that’s a shame. I can’t even bring myself to record it and fast-forward through it right now. One day maybe I will, but for now…I can’t in good conscience actually watch. Maybe I am strange in that way. The Cruisers could be handled differently. I could think of a number of different ways to do it. Use of Velocity as a Cruiser only show, for example, is an idea I have had (which I am sure some of you might have thought of as well) is a start. It seems so easy, and yet, that’s not going to happen. Not because WWE is stupid, but because there is maybe a logistical, or programming issue with doing that. We just don’t know why. It’s not our business too. It’s their business. They must be doing something right to be making as much money as they are making. It’s more than my company makes. Grumbling about the Cruiserweights is extremely popular, as are complaints about the rest of the mid card. People moan about them needing more TV time. Yet, isn’t that why they are called “mid-card” and not Main Event? Could storylines and TV time be more evenly divided? Possibly. Yet, in the end, how much money does the Women’s division bring in? Would they be better of making Heat a Women’s wrestling only show? Would that get Heat cancelled? Tits and Ass make money. Excuse me if Torrie Wilson and Trish Stratus are superior in my eyes to Molly Holly and Gail Kim in every way. Oink Oink. I can sit here and quote most everyone on something extremely negative. Shit, even I bitch about things in this very column. But we need to be careful that’s not all there is. If we sit here and critique, and dissect, and over analyze – it gets ruined. You begin to loathe wrestling. It’s subversive, and pointless. I can see not liking something, but then why complain. At the moment I feel like we are beginning to see the seeds of the next big upswing. Wrestling has been up and down twice now in my lifetime. It seems that each decade brings something new enough, and exciting enough to pique the interest of the main stream. The current WWE product, as well as a thriving Indy scene, are signs to me that we might be at the bottom of the popularity ladder. But – at least we’re on the ladder now. There’s only one way to go, and that’s up. Through the downswing, RAW has remained the highest rated cable program in the United States according to JR. What’s my point then? Just watch. Chill out and not get so serious, it’s just fucking TV. If you want to, on this very site you can find out all about what “might” happen next week. You can learn what’s going to happen in two days on Smackdown every Tuesday. There is a difference between constructive criticism and flat out negativity. Inside, we all have a deep-rooted love for wrestling. We wouldn’t go to great lengths or spend our time visiting websites devoted to it if we didn’t. But, as they say, it’s a thin line between love and hate. Don’t fall over.  SMOKE IT UP! Well it’s time for me to let you all go. Let’s spark it up and get the hell out of here with a few pieces of indiscriminate annotation. Consider this the “That 70’s Show” circle: - BLING-BLING people. The new belt is iced out. Cena’s ghetto fabulous now y’all. Wordlife ya heard? What’s that? English? Fine… - That is “Bradshaw” still right? I still keep shaking my head and looking around for Farooq. - I really worried for London when he was bleeding a couple weeks back. That man didn’t need a bandage, he needed a damn tampon sewn into his head. Shit… A Box of Tampons. - You’ve heard of the “Horse Whisperer?” Luther Reigns is the “Hoss Jobber” – will this guy ever get a win? Does he have to look like a complete idiot losing? - All Carlito’s needs for his cabana now is his own Cabana boy. Why for some reason does Michael Cole’s name pop into my head first? - I loved this exchange: Keeng – “There’s nothing cheap about Trish”, and JR’s response “I’m sure that’s true”. I immediately thought – “I wonder if King and Trish use the same plastic surgeon.” - Can we just give the Divas names we can remember already? Who votes to change Candace’s name to “Juggs” and Michelle’s name to “Sable 2”? Say Aye. - MMN looks to shake up the tag division. They already shook up a couple transvestites for those coats. Special shout out to everyone that voted for me, but especially that Crazy Ass Brit Mark Wright, who’s been a big supporter. Big ups to all the main pagers that let me share their space, and for being one of the HUGE reasons I am here – EACH ONE OF YOU has inspired me. Thanks to Phantom Lord for posting this. Keep reading, I'll keep joking, and we can all keep toking! I do this almost every Monday in the Columns Forum I’d love to hear what you thought about this column, and my efforts to get you to “quit yer bitchin”. Send feedback HERE for LOP Members. Not a member? WHY NOT!? Or – you can email me at zuma420@juno.com. Just label it “Feedback” or it gets fed to the Spaminal. Since you’re finished with this – why not go check out some of the fantastic wrestling discussion taking place in the CF? Here’s some recommended reading: http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=4675>Leviathan: On The Couch – Visit LOP’s own shrink, and a great guy to talk about * Spoilers * with http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=4593>Stinger is Back on LOP – A View From the Rafters XXX: Voodoo http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=4652>Big Brother – (you’re on the Main Page buddy)– Read his #13, - The biggest mistake Oh yeah – and VIVA LA MOVIE BAR. If you like movies and music – then by all means, head on over to The Bar. You can read reviews, or if that’s not enough, you might even be able to write reviews. The HOTTEST WWE Diva?!? Maryse Looking Hot!
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