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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, April 15, 2005 at 11:11 PM EST
Karma From The Heavenly Head The Ultimate Warrior causes controversy yet again. This time after giving a speech at the University Of Connecticut, his visit to Storrs, Connecticut was sponsored by a group of right wings at the UConn campus. This is the same man who could give Ben Johnson, the Olympic sprinter a run for his money running down the aisle like a technicolor tornado. I consider the One Warrior Nation and Young Conservatives to be oxymoronic, wouldn't you? "U Dubs" is famous for his incoherent rambling and his lack of clairvoyance. This lecture was no different as he made ignorant comments to the dissenting haters in the audience. Now if you want to protest something, be civilized about it. Don't be rude and interrupt someone who is speaking, you might as well do it with your mouth full of asparagus casserole while you are at it. Could you spit some milk out of your nose and attempt to tickle me with your Team Livestrong hand. That's another legitimate gripe I have with our culture today, the bracelet fad. Just like the ribbon fade of ten years ago, there seems to be a color in the Crayola crayon box that magically seems to fight a noble cause ponderously by association. Go ahead fight the cause, but do it balls up and don't be so vain and self-righteous about it. Hey, as long as I can still drink, I'm happy. Let's take it to the outhouse. Breaking The Seal Hello, it's Dubzilla and this is the Turnbuckle Tailgate, the column that doesn't bother to waste its beer on Gary Sheffield. I've been to Fenway Park so many times I can't remember, but their piss poor draft domestic brew gives the worse hangover. Plus, you gotta wait in a ridiculously long line in a smelly old ballpark. I love Fenway Park like it is a member of my family, but even your family members know it is time to get new clothes when they grow out of their old ones. It's time for a new ballpark, that'll seat 10,000 more people comfortably. Enough with the World Champion Boston Red Sox talk, we have a wrestling column on tap. This is how we do it, baby. We start with the Black & Tan aka Pick'Em. Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. I like liquor so this is why I have structure in my column or at least I strive to have it. It's time for liquid skin cancer, well it isn't as bad as melanoma, quite frankly it is better than the summer's first sunburn. Did you know that an anagram for 'aloe vera' is 'love area'? You learn something everyday, I hope you got your thinking caps on. We got ourselves a Dream Team teased on last Monday Night's RAW. Arguably the two biggest stars of the mid-80s and mid-90s respectively may get together one night only at Backlash on May 1st to stop terrorism or at least two guys that play Arab-Americans on TV. I reckon we'll see a world class ass whooping in Manchester, New Hampshire if Hogan comes through on his possible last call prophecy demanded by the fans at his Hall Of Fame induction. Let's toss this salad and wet our whistles, it looks pretty appetizing. I'm thirsty for a beer, but not just any beer, a Black & Tan. It's time to double down and dissect our beer........ Black - Shawn Michaels The Heartbreak Kid is coming off a godly performance at Wrestlemania in what I consider to be one of the top ten Wrestlemania matches of all time. No shame in tapping out to Kurt's patented finishing maneuver, The Anklelock. Getting "The Big O" after a hard fought matchup is nothing new after losing to the former Olympic Gold Medalist. Chris Benoit got the same treatment after the best match I've ever seen live at Royal Rumble 2003. He went onto win the following year's Royal Rumble, The World Heavyweight Title at Wrestlemania XX and he had a career year in the process. Sure HBK has already been up to the top of the mountain numerous times, but he can still put on a great match when the stakes are high. Shawn is what I like to call a "Press Your Luck" or "Big Bucks, No Whammies" performer. The comeback kid may not be the biggest dog in the fight, but he seems to have an internal binary light switch that he can turn on and off, from 0 to 1 and just like that, he's got his game back and the resilience of a battlecat ready to rock and roll. He's born again and his ability to take back a wrestling match isn't unparalled. There was a guy that did that for nearly a decade before he joined the evil empire, but kept it cool. You might know him as "Double H" Hulk Hogan. Tan - Hulk Hogan Fitting that the guy who wore so much fake tan cream, I think the orange stuff permanently clogged his pores. The Hot Dog or The Ice Cream Sandwich, Hulk or Hollywood Hogan, call him what you want, but he had you at "You know something, bruther(s)!". The Ultimate Hall Of Famer, The Babe Ruth/Jim Thorpe/Michael Jordan/Wayne Gretzky/Muhammed Ali/Burt Reynolds/Eddie Edwards of Pro Wrestling, you could compare him to any of the great and not so great athletes in the annals of sports. He reminds me of Terry Bradshaw having that chrome dome in his prime. He made 'hulking up' look cooler than Lou Ferrigno did. But Lou was always in Arnold's shadow just like Jesse Ventura was in Hulk's. So many fans idolized the man that made so many of them believers and they didn't even have to see a pretty lady's face. It was cool to good and then he truly showed that he wasn't one dimensional through his versatile chameleonic change of playing the endearing bad guy. Hulk was too much of a cartoon and so associated to what he did best, entertain the masses in a wrestling ring that he wasn't taken serious as a film actor. It really wasn't up his alley anyway, Christopher Lloyd, an actor that pretty much has a little more range than Tony Danza (a personal favorite of mine that always seems to play a guy named "Tony") looked good compared to him in the film bust "Suburban Commando". But I'm losing focus (do I ever keep it?). Hogan, will he make his last dance in a legendary pairing with San Antonio's finest? We shall see, but I think it is in the cards. Bartender's Choice - HBK or Hogan? When Shawn was in his prime, Hogan was resurrecting his career. Both have had epic careers in a business where it is tough to capture the attention of fickle yet constantly changing fan base. Both had their great moments: Hogan had Thunderlips, Real American, Venice Beach, No Holds Barred, Thunder In Paradise, The Tonight Show With Jay Leno and The Mailman & Rodzilla amongst other stuff while HBK has The Rockers, The Superkick Heard Round The Barbershop, Jenny McCarthy & Pam Anderson, Concussions, The Kliq, Degeneration X and Whisper. But who has had the better comeback? Nostalgia would dictate that Hulk never really left for any period of time. The spirit of Hulkmania was always around and fans like the Canadians made Hogan a superstar. But Hogan never had an injury that took him away from wrestling for 4 years. The HBK of today may be better than the HBK of ten years ago. Summerslam 2002 versus HHH may be the greatest match Summerslam matchup of all time. I have to go with HBK, his comeback has been amazing considering the circumstances under which he left. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Delerium Tremens - Bling Bling John Cena is the future of the WWE. Yeah, I said it, he is regardless of whether he's a hip hop empresario or not. He's gotten tougher and he's showing that he means business in the ring. Sure, he'll act a fool and play to the crowd at a moment's notice, but that doesn't matter. What is important is that he's the face of SmackDown and everybody wants a piece of him. Sure JBL will make his presence felt and continue this tale of two Johns which has more holes than Swiss Cheese. Bradshaw proved his point during his title reign, now it is time for him to be the hunter. He lost focus during his title reign, that often happens during a long championship trek. Cena capitalized at Wrestlemania, it was worthy of being a main event at Wrestlemania, but conversely I think we as fans tend to put too much stock into the quality of matches at the biggest show of the year. We deserve a rematch, hopefully it'll be better than the first encounter. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Batista looks weaker since he won the gold. He's a strong ox, he drinks his milk, a little bit of gold can't be weighing him down. There's a lot of pressure being a World Heavyweight Champion, everyone is gunning for you. Your principal foe, the guy you beat at Wrestlemania, 10 Time World Champ and standardbearer for sports entertainment, Take 3rd Base HHH will get his rematch at Backlash. Edge aka Lord Haliburton has a one year window to his World Title match. Then there's the man on a mission out consulting with Dr. James Andrews, Mr. Randy O. Randy performed excellently against the Undertaker at Wrestlemania in my opinion, but he's still a piece of shit regardless. He'll be rocking and rolling in a couple months after some intense rehab, he needs the vacation. Batista is a marked man, the bull has been branded and everyone wants to hook his horns and lasso him down for a pinfall or submission to take away his coveted prize. Yeah, they are talking to you, slugger. Dos Equis - A Team In Turmoil It pretty much has been musical chairs or can you top this foolishness courtesy of the tag team champions on SmackDown, Eddie Guerrero and Rey Misterio. They spend more time second guessing one another than defending those tag team championships. They are such figureheads for that belt, it isn't even funny, it's hilarious. Hopefully, this will provide that much needed spark that both of these performers need. Eddie hasn't had it for awhile and Rey, he's been doing the same tired old routine of being too cool for the cruiserweights for so long. This new team of MNM will be this year's Bashams and come in to spoil the party for the Latino squad and win them tag straps. This will take away that hurdle in the curdling of the relationship of that duo. By the way, Carlito's Cabana is awesome. I must say that Carlito can really make a career for himself just being his character. He doesn't need to overwhelm us with great wrestling skill. He just needs to be 3 C's, do his thing and it'll all work fabulously. Carltio and Jericho will lock horns at some cross brand PPV if the Cabana lasts. I wonder how indy wrestler Colt Cabana feels about this, not like it matters, but he doesn't have Colt's Cabana. He's got Good Times, Great Memories in ROH which has been a great segment for their little DVDs. Presidente - Two To Tango Taboo Tuesday was a novel idea in the history of PPV. Fans have interacted during certain segments of a PPV, but they have never had a vested degree of control during the broadcast of one of the big supercards of the year. Last October, they got to make some noise, some serious noise. It was the night that Gene Snitsky cemented his place in the WWE as more than just an accidental impact player. It was the night that Edge has constantly reminded us about how the fans picked HBK and he still can't get over that fact. And it was the night that Shelton Benjamin showed us how valuable he really is by winning the Intercontinental Title from Chris Jericho. And I'll stop doing my worst Paul Heyman impersonation as if I was hyping ECW Home Videos. That matchup may have been an afterthought in most fans' minds, but it has become the fuel for the fire that will rekindle the Benjamin/Jericho bonfire. Perhaps the best Highlight Reel I've seen all year, there was great interaction between the two of them on the microphone. Shelton is underrated in that respect, you never heard much from him when he was on Team Angle with Charlie Haas. I really enjoy that he's not a caricature like other wrestlers. He doesn't need to be, but Chris Jericho on the other hand benefits from his delusions of grandeur. Wicked quixotic, uncredible and a fine wrestler to boot, I'm hoping these two lock horns at Backlash. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet Hopefully the long break between PPVs for SmackDown will allow the brand to showcase their hidden jewel, The Cruiserweight Division. Paul London, Chavo Guerrero and Billy Kidman should finally get to shine. We needed a break from the Funaki/Spike Dudley feudalism that ran rampant for months there. Who's drinking the Kool-Aid down at Universal Studios in Orlando? Somebody must have green slimed the TNA figures of authority. Who greenlighted an entire PPV of steel cage matches? I think they tend to overuse match ideas and milk their cash cow, The X Division, but if they go through with this, they'll never be competition for the WWE ever. They'll have officially jumped the shark. What a stupid idea, totally devalues the necessity of having a cage match. No need to evade logic. Chris Masters, what a bastard this guy is. Fans shouldn't boo the guy, they should just be silent during his matches. Send a message to the WWE. Don't make any noise with him until his no-name opponent submits to the Harriet Nelson, then cheer louder than anyone did during the peak of Hulkamania because the match is over. A face turn for Heidenreich, that's the best idea they've had for the guy. I could have told you that funny poems are better than creepy ones. Hell, an oblivious idiot could have told you that. Now only if we can turn Snitsky, that would be the bomb right there. Roster trimming time, here's hoping they have another draft. They aren't as bad off as they were in previous year's for talent on each brand, but some guys could use a change of scenery. I have no suggestions, I'm open to any debate over this. As for the cuts, it is a shame to see Rhyno go, but what has he done lately other than jack diddly. Matt Hardy is just another victim of having a heartbeat, it's too bad. Best wishes for Molly Holly, go make an impact to youngings in the Bible Belt. You are too moral for the WWE, you are truly a throwback, good for you. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Looks Like __________ Anyone that has watched RAW recently probably stuck around for 'The Ultimate Fighter' reality show. I don't know about you, but I enjoy mixed martial arts. I am of the opinion that sports and entertainment such as professional wrestling, mixed martial arts and boxing have a similar sampling of a fan base. There's the die hard fans that'll purchase every PPV no matter how good or bad it is. Then there's the fringe fan that'll order the occasional PPV. But there's something about fights that aren't our wrestling that people can't get enough of. Is it the realism? Is it the carnage, our desire to live vicariously through someone else's pain threshold and dishing out of violence? Is it the intense training that the combatants will put in for months for one fight? It may be a combination of all of these factors and so much more. Everybody has their own reasons for why they watch, you can debate this until you are blue in the face or whatever your favorite color is, I don't discriminate against your favorite crayon. I'm sure the WWE realizes that despite the fact they have a steady fan base and don't have direct competition in pro wrestling in their televised forum, that these other forms of combat are capitalizing on their fan's entertainment dollar. They've brought in Ken Shamrock and Butterbean in the past and riden that horse through the pasture. Should the WWE mirror their pugelistic counterparts or should they stick to what they know best to try to capture the imaginations of their fanbase? Pro wrestling is ultimately an escape. Wrestlers wrestle four or five times a week and put on a show. They put their bodies on the line every night. The ignorant fan that cannot recognize this is truly missing out on a great form of entertainment. Let them watch the UFC or boxing, they can have their cake and eat it as well. They are no different from wrestling on a lot of levels. There is just as much politiking going on these sports as there is wrestling, if not more. What I really want to see in the WWE is the return of hardcore wrestling. Sure, they'll never bring it back because they are looking out for the safety of their wrestlers, but in manageable chunks, I think the return of the hardcore division could not only be effective, but it'll make use of second tier wrestlers lost in the shuffle gathering dust on the bench in the lockerroom. People are so excited about the possible return of ECW style action for one night. You don't have to bring back ECW permanently, just have it be an occasional fixture on the calendar because we want blood, we support the Red Cross. Drown In Denouement That's World Class right there. Good things happening on the horizon for Dub-Z. I can't wait, glad you could join me for this little party we have here at Lords Of Pain Dot Net. Tell your friends that they can bring their own booze if they'd like, but we got plenty. Farewell, remember yeah, wrestling and ahhhhhh, bermulloch! Send Feedback to john.d.donaldson@gmail.com Get To Know The Real Me Yeah, that's me, this is just another way besides e-mail to get in touch with me. Check it out, if you'd like
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