The Rant of the Week: Indy Wrestling Sleaze Edition
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Monday, March 28, 2005 at 7:17 AM EST







Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain as it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is the often imitated by not quite duplicated Rant of the Week. As always I am coming to you from my bunker in the urban cesspool that is Brooklyn, New York and its an Easter Weekend edition of the Rant. That doesn’t mean I’ll be doing anything special…I just felt like calling it that. So yeah its been a fun week in more ways then one in the world of professional wrestling, but before I get to that I might as well make the big announcement that I teased at the end of my column last week.

On Friday April 1st the Internet Wrestling Community will move into the future as WrestlingUnited.com is opened. It’s a one of a king wrestling opinion website run by yours truly along with Dumass and it will bring to you Audio Columns. That’s right we’re moving into the future and jumping onto the whole Podcasting trend as we will be bringing streaming audio columns to you the wrestling fan. Now since its on April 1st one would think its an April Fools Joke. This is no joke as its Wrestlemania Weekend and Dumass and I plan on giving our official views and predictions for the show plus whatever the hell else we feel like talking about.

In the coming days I will be posting information on the full staff of WrestlingUnited.com as we will be christening the The Lords of Pain Online Radio Network with our flagship show IWC Coast to Coast with Phantom Lord and Dumass. We will be revolutionizing the Internet Wrestling scene so be ready because on April 1st we go on the air.

But before we can get to the future we have to deal with the present and the biggest story of the week comes from right here in the North East as Jersey All Pro Heavyweight Champion Dan Maff has quit the wrestling business all together because he did something on a personal level to Homicide. Word on the street is Maff had a fling with Homicide’s old lady. In any event Homicide has used all of his pull to get Maff black balled in this country and Canada so Maff had no real choice but to retire and relinquish the JAPW Heavyweight title as well as his half of the ROH Tag titles.

Dumass and me were talking about this other night and he explained it like this since he knows all about the Unspoken rules of the Pro Wrestling. If you see someone doing hard drugs or steroids you say nothing because you saw nothing. Another guy’s girl is off limits. And finally if someone is blackballed then you as a promoter risk losing a good portion of your locker room if you bring in said blackballed guy because you don’t want to make people choose sides.

I see it like this. What ever Dan Maff did to Homicide, it got Homicide pissed off and judging by the video of him stabbing Teddy Hart with a fork I don’t think he’s a guy you want to have pissed off at you. Now I like to think that things can blow over and according to Homicide Dan Maff can come back to wrestling…its just that Dan has to make things right.

A lot of people (including me) were asking how is it that Homicide has that much pull to begin with to get Maff blackballed. Well the way it was explained is simple. Homicide is one of the top drawing guys on the Indies and along with his crew of friends that include B-Boy, Low Ki, Julius Smokes, and EC Negro when it comes down to it Maff is expendable compared to losing all those guys.

It sucks though, the angle JAPW was building with Maff and Lethal had a great old school ECW feel to it and I was looking forward to seeing the title match at some point.

But as it turns out maybe this will work out for JAPW after all. If you wish to find out what happened at the JAPW ECW Arena Show highlight the following. If not just keep on scrolling down.

Homicide over Jay Lethal
Frank and Ray come out and basically try to give Lethal the heavyweight championship. Lethal refuses, and a couple minutes later, Dan Maff's ex-manager (unsure of name) comes out and says he has a new client and out comes Homicide. So the match is to take place right then and there, Homicide vs. Jay Lethal for the JAPW heavyweight championship. This match was very fast-paced, something was going on at all times... Lethal's mom was screaming for Lethal the whole match, as seen at past ROH shows. Lo Ki comes out and interferes, but Lethal still manages to kick out. B-Boy ended up coming out too, and Homicide finally got the pin to become the new JAPW Heavyweight Champion.

Teddy Hart and Jack Evans over Homicide and B-Boy
After a lengthy intermission to set up the steel cage, the match is finally underway. Until the second Teddy Hart stepped out from behind the curtain, I was thinking he might even no-show. But he was there tonight, and this match was in-fucking-sane. Early on there's some crazy high-flying by Evans and Teddy, and Homicide and B-Boy really get their hits in on both guys. Soon, they end up brawling ringside, and some front row fans hand some weapons to Homicide. There was a metal bowl/dish kind of thing which was used extensively, a NO PARKING sign, and even a fork. Everything came into play. The metal bowl was repeatedly smashed over Teddy's head and eventually used by pretty much everyone in the match. At this point Teddy had juiced pretty nicely, lots of blood. It was kind of shocking to see Teddy with a crimson mask going, because we all know Teddy is no deathmatcher. Homicide carves Teddy with a fork repeatedly. Teddy bleeding so bad he tells the refs he can't see. Lo-Ki comes out to help B-Boy and 'Cide, and they get the upper hand for awhile. Anyway, the big swerve is that the lights went out and everyone was trying to figure out what was going on... The lights go back on and JIM THE ANVIL NEIDHART is inside the ring. It was my first time seeing Neidhart up close in person, and let me just say that this dude is fucking HUGE. So he helps Evans and Teddy win the tag straps and that ends the show while the Hart Foundation music is played and the crowd chants J-A-P.

So much for Teddy dying. So Homicide wins the title and Teddy Hart now has a piece of Gold. Its funny how things work out. Somewhere Matt Hardy is cursing and screaming about how Edge should have been world champion before he decided to fuck Lita.

Ok well enough about that. I’ll have my review of JAPW’s show as usual up in the Official JAPW World Wide thread in the General Wrestling Section of the LOP Forums and when DOI publishes their interview with Homicide you can rest assured we’ll have a better idea of what really happened.

Moving along I came across this gem on NO DQ and damn it’s the funnies thing I’ve read in ages. I now give you the comedy styling’s of a serious Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake.



-- James mentions a quote by a former guest, Bruno Sammartino, where he basically says without Hulk Hogan, Brutus Beefcake wouldn't have been successful in the wrestling business. Ed replies with, "What do you expect from a freaking loser like him? He's just pissed off because I beat his ass in his hometown of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. He got his ass whooped by a guy in pink tights. I guess you can understand why he's a little upset. I kicked his ass... His kids ass too... All the Sammartino’s are losers, you know? I played Hulk's brother for 6 years, okay? When Hulk decided, not anybody else, that it was time for me to go on my own, he didn't want me to only be known as Hulk's little brother. He felt I had plenty of talent to make it on my own, he wanted people to see that." Ed goes on to say that Brutus Beefcake was a success and was never linked with Hulk Hogan and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake was an even more huge success, he teamed with Hulk Hogan a few times but Ed feels he did it on his own talents.

-- "Did Hulk Hogan go out and wrestle for me? Did Hulk Hogan... Thousands of matches! Main events! Pay per views! No! Brutus Beefcake went out there, got the job done and that's all there is too it, man."

I mean wow…Brother Bruti must of really been drinking the Hulkamania Kool-Aid if he honestly believes Bruno is just bitter. First off Bruno did more in a year then Beefcake did in his entire career. While Bruno is deserving of getting into the Hall of Fame, if Beefcake gets in it will be because he was Hogan’s flunky for all those years.

But it gets better folks…

-- Jake Roberts shared a funny story with us stating that the name Brutus Beefcake came to be because Beefcake was a popular gay magazine in the San Francisco area and Brutus came from, "Oh, he's such a brute!" This is mentioned to Ed in a jovial way and turns a little ugly. "Jake Roberts is running around with about half a freakin' brain cell after he smoked 500,000 pounds of crack so what would you expect out of him? He can tell you a good story... I'm sure he can tell you a good story but as far as there being any truth in it, NO!"

-- The name actually came from a meeting with Hulk, Vince, and Linda McMahon. Linda liked the name Beefcake and Hulk came up with the name Brutus. Originally, they were going to call him Baron Beefcake.

Ok so Jake is a bit fried…ok he’s really fried. But lets think about this for a second. Ed was the one wearing pink tights with fishnets sown into them to cover up his ass. I have no doubt that they got the name Beefcake from a gay magazine.

-- Erik asks about the idea to become "The Barber." Ed says, "As far as I know, it was something Pat Patterson probably cooked up. As far as I know, his gay lover, his name was Louie, was a hairdresser. As far as I knew, I took it as a rib on me because Brutus Beefcake was getting over huge. Why would you change something that was getting over huge? That's like taking Hulk Hogan and saying, "Oh, you can't be Hulk Hogan now. Now that you're getting over huge, lets change your name!" To me, brother, it was a screw job. But at the end of the day, because I am a talented and pretty whiley coyote, I turned it around, made it Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, turned it around, took it 10 levels farther than they ever even dreamed about and made a huge success, even bigger than Brutus Beefcake, out of the barber! Blew everybody's mind! Nobody ever thought I could do it! I didn't do it because I was Hulk Hogan's friend, brother. I did it because I've got talent, I've got know how, I've got will power! I got out there and kicked ass until both shoes were shitty."

Ok I’ll give him that. Back in the day when I was a kid I liked Brutus The Barber Beefcake. I mean one of the best Wrestlemania moments was when he shaved the head of Adrian Adonis. I remember the video vignettes of him going to barber school and they were pretty funny. So I will give Brutus his due. He made the most out of it and it did work in the cartoon era of pro wrestling that was the WWF in the late 80’s.

-- Erik jumps in to ask about Summerslam 1988. Brutus was over and was prepared for the Intercontinental Title when all of a sudden Beefcake was taken out of the match and the Ultimate Warrior was put in. "Well, the Warrior threatened to quit... He's a big cry-baby. And, I guess that was how Vince had to playcate him, by giving him the title. Was I getting pushed aside? Yeah, I was kind of getting screwed."

That does actually make sense, but did The Warrior truly have that kind of pull so early into his WWF career? The angle where The Outlaw Ron Bass carved Beefcake’s head was actually pretty big and as a young child it was a bit extreme to see Beefcake’s head get carved with a cowboy boot spur. But I remember back then between family and friends we were speculating who would be coming in to face The Honky Tonk Man for the Intercontinental Title? My father thought maybe it would be Bob Backlund. But it was pretty cool to see The Warrior come out and destroy Honky in 20 seconds.

But lets think about this, maybe he did get screwed or maybe Vince and company realized that at best Brutus would have been a transition champion. He would of ended up losing the title to Dibase or Rick Rude at some point before the next big ppv at the time which was The Survivor Series.

-- "I had 8 titanium plates, 32 screws, 100 feet of stainless steel wire in my skull. As far as me being okay? Yeah, I'm 100%. As for as being able to wrestle. Yeah, I do it. As far as doctors clearing me to wrestle, no. It would be insanity for anybody to clear me after that kind of surgery... They didn't want me driving a car. I had to go on with my life. I couldn't just lay in a bed for the rest of my life. Ed says it's all about cojones. "Are you going to be a pussy and lay down and die or are you going to keep fighting? Brutus Beefcake is a fighter. That's why I am a success. That is why I will always be a success!"

I’ll give him credit where credit is due. To come back from an injury like that took guts because anything could of happened and he could of ended up looking like The Elephant Man.

-- Erik rattles off a list of all the gimmicks Ed Leslie had in WCW including Brother Bruti, The Butcher, The Man Without a Name, The Man Without a Face, The Zodiac, The Bootyman, The Disciple, and his real name Ed Leslie. Erik asks what one of the bunch was his favorite and why. "The Disciple was definitely my favorite and at the end of the day, because of trademark problems, not being able to do Brutus Beefcake... They kept saying they cannot repackage me because I was just too well known as Brutus Beefcake. So, Hulk and I sat down, cooked up the gimmick and no one, and I mean no one, knew I was the Brutus Beefcake. And the gimmick got over and when it kept getting over, thanks to a jealous prick named Eric Bischoff and his bunch of cronies, once again, a person they said couldn't be repackaged... I came out and blew everybody's minds! And then they came out with this One Warrior Nation. They handed me off to the Warrior, the Warrior quit, and that left me out in no man's land."

See this is where Bruno has a point. Starrcade 94 the main event was Hulk Hogan vs. The Butcher (or was it Zodiac…meh one of those retarded names). WCW could of made HUGE money with Hogan vs. Flair or Hogan vs. Vader or Hogan vs. Sting. But they book Hogan vs. Beefcake for the WCW World Title in the biggest PPV of the year for WCW. Creative Control is a fun little thing don’t you think.

Of course I remember at one point when The Man without a Name turned Face and became The Bootyman, WCW made up this ridiculous story that Hulk Hogan sent him into the Dungeon of Doom undercover to bring it down from the inside out.

Yeah and people say Russo’s WCW was worse.

-- Was Ed surprised WCW went down the way it did? "Not at all! How can you screw up such a good thing. Well, when you've got some of the people Bischoff hired and fired... I don't want to name names. He cut his own throat, killed the territory almost single handedly, Diamond Dallas Page being one of the others. There's just no talent, guys that just don't want to work, all they want to do is get paid... They got what they wanted. They hired a bunch of losers... Got rid of all the guys that were money makers. What happened to the company? They went bankrupt."

Damn it…I don’t want to agree with Beefcake for bashing Bruno but damn that makes perfect sense. That’s exactly what happened. Hire a bunch of stiffs to a huge contract and since its guaranteed money they get it despite not wrestling. Of course I contend some day there will be a college economics course on WCW about how you avoid running a company into the ground.

-- Ed still loves getting in the ring. He feels after 29 years of doing it, you can't just stop. He adds that is unless you're bitter towards the business like Sammartino is.

-- Ed says it is not his decision if he should make it to the WWE Hall of Fame or not but he says he would like to be. His guess is he would be one day but the guys they have been inducting are a few years older than he is and were around longer. .

Hey after 29 (that’s gotta be a typo) years it means one of two things. You really do love performing or you pissed all your money away in the 80’s on coke and whores and you still have debts to pay off. Well considering the last part of the recap, I’m guessing it has a weeee bit more to do with blowing it on coke then it does for the genuine love of wrestling.

-- Last year, a story broke about Ed being caught with cocaine at work and causing an anthrax scare. Ed says it was a misunderstanding at work and goes on to say, "I'm not perfect." He then poses a question to us asking if we have ever heard of someone getting caught in a drug bust and them not getting charged? James says, "Not unless they are guilty." Ed was never charged with anything.

Yeah its funny what public humiliation does. Lets see waste tax payer money on a trial or just put out the fact that Brutus The Barber Beefcake was working as a token booth clerk in Boston and he left some coke out on the counter and someone thought it was Anthrax.

Credit to NoDQ.com & The Interactive Interview (Courtesy of www.WrestlingEpicenter.com) for the recap of the Brutus Beefcake interview.

Now if you think that was fun to read, take a look of this. I’m filing this one under K for Karma is a Bitch.

According to the Wrestling-Observer Newsletter, there is a rumor going around that WWE Diva Rochelle Loewen has handed in her notice to management. She was one of the former Playboy Playmates signed to the SmackDown! roster and participated in the "Rookie Diva Of The Year" segments at No Way Out.

Loewen is reportedly blaming her decision to leave on Randy Orton. She had well-documented problems with Orton in the past, so the likelihood of Orton being the stimulus is very good.

Orton was also a major factor in Amy Weber's decision to leave WWE.

Ok I was no fan of the diva search, but I lets face the facts. Amy Webber was fitting in perfectly as JBL’s Image consultant. Now for those of you who don’t know there are many different versions of what exactly happened with Randy and Amy. One story says Randy put a tampon on her head during the long flight to Japan. Another story says Amy’s pic was used on a strip club flyer and Randy and a bunch of “the boys” decided to rail on her about it. Either way Amy Webber said I cant work under this conditions and promptly handed in her notice.

Now we come to the story of Rochelle Loewen…umm which one was she again?

**Consults Google**



Aaaaaah she was dumb brunette number 2. Ok well the story to this one is quite funny…well not to her but funny nonetheless. After the diva search Rochelle was on RAW as random backstage diva number 3 and Randy Orton tried to work on his charm on her and she had no clue who he was since she didn’t watch wrestling so Randy partook in the age old tradition of taking a dump in her bag and that ruined all her clothes. Before you ask why someone would do that, it’s a tradition in wrestling where an established star does that to a snot nosed rookie who thinks he is “the shit” so they give him some shit to bring him back down to earth.

So Randy’s primadonna ego has run two hot chicks out of the WWE and you know deep down Vince is pissed about that since the only reason he even did the diva search was to sell Diva magazines and DVD’s.

So how did Karma come to bite Randy in the ass?

As reported, Randy Orton is also off the post Mania cards due to a shoulder injury. WWE are hoping that his injury won't take a turn for the worse, and he'll be in good condition to face Undertaker at WrestleMania.

Yep, The Injury bug came back to haunt Randy. I’m a believer things happen for a reason. If Randy is really as immature as those stories lead on to be, I would hope Randy takes that time during his injury and realizes he cant be doing this kind of stuff because there is only so much a woman can take before she screams the words sexual harassment.

In other news, the soap writer I mentioned in my last column has all ready left the WWE.

After only a month, former soap opera writer Wendy Fissman has left the WWE creative team. It was apparent that Fissman didn't fit into WWE's way of running things, and has subsequently been released. The consensus is that if a somebody without a deep lover of wrestling joins the team, it is unlikely to work out.

So I guess mercifully we wont be seeing that HEIDENRICH kidnap angle, but umm I hate to be a shill but I know the WWE has people that reads my column and others like it since after all this is free market research. I sent my resume and writing samples. I have a deep love of wrestling…I mean if I didn’t do you really think I would be writing this column?

Speaking of wrestling, I caught some of “Real Pro Wrestling” on PAX. I will say this much. It is a novel concept, a long time ago I wondered if it was possible to have professional Greco Roman and Freestyle wrestling. Have teams from different states and so forth. That’s pretty much the plot to this show except I wouldn’t of made it look so gay. I know its “offensive” to say that, but watch it. It really looks gay.

Its funny I joked that this show is probably doing well in San Francisco and Dumass replied San Francisco is as bad of a ghetto as any other city but one stretch of 4 blocks labels the entire city queer.

I don’t think this Real Pro Wrestling thing will catch on. Its like I said, if Greco Roman Wrestling were a draw then when the Olympics are on it would be on during prime time and not in clipped form in the middle of the night.

That’s the simple truth.

Well before I go, In my never ending quest to top Valleyboy’s Moment of Zen I have a tie for this week.

This pic speaks for it self…



And if you have heard the Pat O’Brien voice mail tape or if you haven’t, go dig it up on a google search and look at this picture while listening to it.



Obviously this woman I would assume is not the woman in question that Pat kept calling, but the fact that Pat O’Brien is such a freak just makes this innocent photo op look that much funnier.

On that note I’m done for this week. Like I said the IWC gets taken into the future on April 1st as WrestlingUnited.com is launched and get ready for the premiere edition of IWC Coast to Coast as we preview Wrestlemania 21, The WWE Hall of Fame, and what ever the hell else we feel like as we christen the Lords of Pain Online Radio Network.

Until next time take care and remember someone has got to provide you with this information and it DAMN well has got to be me {S Bob Grant

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*NEW GALLERY* Very HOT and Up Close Shots of the WWE Divas! WOW!

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