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Submitted by Dubzilla on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 at 10:51 PM EST
Karma From The Heavenly Head You probably already are aware of Christy Hemme being the next WWE diva to have a spread in Playboy magazine. I keep hearing people saying "Well, why isn't Trish Stratus or Stacy Keibler or Lita doing Playboy?" Don't you think that if they wanted to be in it or Playboy wanted them to be in it, they would've already appeared nude in the periodical. Christy Hemme from Trimspa and sitting on the hoods of hot rods to a quarter million dollar payday and the pinnacle of being the girl next door with a boob job. She's got the life and the blessing from her daddy to vamp it up. Congratulations Christy, you are truly an inspiration to all of us. You've proven to me that the predilections scribbled on fortune cookies of a Chinese dinner really can come true. But, you didn't turn me onto the little pineapple chunks served with them, I did that all on my own. Aren't you proud of me? Nothing like self-serving prophecies setting yourself up for a kick to the groin. I see stars, I must be in Hollywood, where everyone is either a star or a fish or a starfish. I am neither so I must be regaining my senses. Breaking The Seal Hello, it's Dubzilla and this is the Turnbuckle Tailgate that lowers the bar just enough so that you and I can reach the tequila. I know I'm overdue again, but this library is an open bar and you're welcome to join me in the drinking and the thinking. This is how we roll in the remix. We start with the Black & Tan aka Pick'Em. Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. I like liquor so this is why I have structure in my column or at least I strive to have it. The Black & Tan will be about a brewing feud. It is quite frankly something I wouldn't mind watching at Wrestlemania. But we still have a month to go before we reach out and touch Los Angeles. So the chances of seeing this contrast of styles lasting that long may be very slim. I am talking about the Benjamin/Snitsky quarrel going down. Two weeks, two matches, two chair shots resulting in a disqualification, one Intercontinental Championship. Two young guys that about as similar as Felix and Oscar from The Odd Couple. Let's take a sneak peek at what we could have in store on RAW in the next month if we are all very good and take our baths. It's time to double down and dissect our beer........ Black - Shelton Benjamin It was the fans who chose Shelton Benjamin as the opponent of Chris Jericho at the WWE's new October classic, the highly interactive (? - believe what you want to believe, I believe in the Magic 8-Ball as long as you don't shake it vigorously like a bottle of salad dressing, you can read your response) Taboo Tuesday. He shocked the monkey and made Peter Gabriel proud (yeah like he watches wrestling) by winning the Intercontinental title that night. Shelton hasn't looked back ever since. He has raised the bar in that division. Defending the title against all comers with quicker than than burp warp speed, crisp technique and maneuvers that would make Herbert Hoover look like William Howard Taft. And to think this standout collegiate All-American from the University of Minnesota came from the slums of South Carolina. Yeah, South Carolina might be a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I just pissed off my reader from South Carolina, but maybe it'll inspire him to move to Georgia (where the devil went one time) or North Carolina (I hear the secondhand smoke down there is tremendous). Can we call Shelton 'Chocolate Thunder'? The food theme would be tremendous when matched up with my assessment of the new Mean Gene. It may be all about the Benjamins for now, but our potentially harmful friend with one of the coolest names ever might have something to say about that. Tan - Gene Snitsky I may not be as big as Snitsky or any superstar that is outside the realm of the Cruiserweight division exclusive to Velocity, if anyone started a ruckus in public with the "Green Giant", I'd have his back, I'd be ready to throwdown some right crosses and left hooks. I'd even do a sick blade job for added effect because I know nobody would want to start a legitimate fistfight with Snitsky. Come on, look at the guy, he looks like he's spent his life appearing in public notices. First it was the milk carton, then it was that little leaflet you get with the coupons stating that he was last seen with Jimmy The Greek then it was at the post office or the police station on the Most Wanted list then it was the tv show on FOX. No, not the one you are thinking of, the other, Cops. I swear they really missed the boat with Big Bossman when the Attitude era struck. Sure they did a great job with the feuds with The Big Show and Al Snow, but they could've capitalized on the long term success of Cops. Having the Bossman just bust on jobbers during little vignettes in the idea of the Crash Holly 24/7 Hardcore Title defense rule. That would have made for some great television, am I right or am I right? Back to Gene, ironically enough he made his PPV debut at Taboo Tuesday against Kane. And for the most part, Kane has been his bitch. Snitsky has made Kane look somewhat human. I attribute it to a combination of psychological and physical punishment. Snitsky may be crazy, but he's got a brain that he's willing to use whenever he needs it. A menacing figure that most of y'all thought would be working matches against Stevie Richards on Heat or out of the WWE all together by now is still going strong. Snitsky at Wrestlemania? Who would've thunk it? I'm just waiting for the Silence Of The Lambs Wrestlemania trailer with Snitsky or Kane, either one will do. That would be icing on the cake for some awesomely produced advertisments. Bartender's Choice - Shelton or Snitsky? Gene or Benjamin? Is this the new age example of an old hit courtesy of Magilla Gorilla Monsoon Looney Tunes; The Unstoppable Force meeting The Immovable Object. You got the technical impresario squaring off with the big ol' hoss. It appears to be a standstill until you bring non-domestic objects into the fracas. If that is that case, I gotta go with Gene Snitsky. Size does matter and anytime you give that fellow something to play with, the weapons will massively be destructive and the carnage will be immense. That is unless Shelton can bring his 40 time down a couple of hundreths of a second. If he can do that and become a lean machine, he might be able to get out of the way long enough to survive the mighty Gene's wrath. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Michelob Ultra - Much Ado About Something? So the hottest free agent in wrestling since Pete Rose, Batista finally made his decision. The people have his back for what appears to be the biggest Wrestlemania main event since Hulk Hogan met The Ultimate Warrior in Toronto in 1990. Fifteen years later, The Game and The Animal will take it to the house in Los Angeles. They'll do that and then some. This will be the first time in a long time that HHH has shown fear and cowardice. Batista had his back in Evolution and the concept of strength in numbers was genius for Evolution. But the wheels began to fall off once Randy Orton won the World Heavyweight Title over the summer. Now that Batista has apparently left Evolution (yeah, I doubt they'd pull the swerve twice with the main event of Wrestlemania in the balance), where does that leave RAW's version of The Beatles. None of the interchangable parts have been replaced. Maven was offered a spot if he gave up his shot at HHH's World Title in the fall, but he never jumped at the option. Is Evolution dead or is it a weighted two-man power trip with the old man pumping up the balloon sized ego of HHH? Only time will tell, but let's flip the switch over to WWE Blue. Teddy Long made a hard sell to Batista on Monday night and his job may be in jeopardy. I've got an idea for him that I will reveal a little bit later if he is ousted from the GM slot. Regardless, Teddy made an excellent point. Some would speculate that SmackDown is inferior to RAW solely based on talent, but SmackDown has more of the bigger stars. People are just clouded by the aura of JBL. JBL has clawed his way to a long title reign as WWE Champion. Some would say he is damn lucky and some would say he's really smart. He may very well be both and he's probably hit his lowest moment since winning the title at the Great American Bash last June. After being brutalized by The Big Show and thrown through the canvas, he barely survived the barbed wire steel cage match. After crawling out from the wreckage, he was met up by his Wrestlemania opponent, #1 Contender John Cena. Cena put the beatdown on him as well. Now JBL has to figure out how stop the man of the people, John Cena. If JBL can take the crowd out of their Wrestlemania match and stay healthy, he can brutalize the doctor of thuganomics Texas style. He doesn't even have to be a wrestling god, he just has to be Jesus of The Boricuas. Because we all know Puerto Rico is the world next door and with that kind of international policy, Bradshaw could rule the world. Sex On The Beach - Little Lady Roundup We've already addressed Christy in Playboy so let's move onto the Rookie Diva 2005 Challenge from No Way Out. We got to see Dawn Marie really try her hardest to play up the bitch role. It's really a shame they can't pair her up with a wrestler that the audience cares about. Torrie makes for a lovely hood ornament, she'd be great on top of Eddie's vintage classic set of wheels. Whoever came up with this idea shouldn't be shilled so much. Yeah, it looked awesome on paper, but the talent portion? Were you high? Joy gives a massage with her hands of stone, Rochelle proves that Jenny McCarthy was an aberration in respect that outrageously hot chicks can't be funny let alone deliver bad jokes, Lauren was nothing more than mocking them Steel Town girls on Saturday evenings and Michelle shows us her best wrestling move. Whatever medications were being passed around in that meeting, I want a gross off, seriously. Has women's wrestling died? Does anybody care? They could play up Victoria's dance ability and call her Victoria Dynamite or something silly like that. You could have some OVW wrestler play a geeky looking schlub and dance with her. Hell, you could make Stevie Richards look like a dweeb and revive Dancing Stevie Richards. As for Molly Holly, if they still had a division with Gail Kim, they could've played up the haircut and had her play up the hot lesbian action. But no, I'll never get to see my dream come true maybe it's better off that way. Then again, Molly's religiously devout so we might have some issues about organized religion. Young's Oatmeal Stout - Big Pimpin' I got this idea for Wrestlemania right. Now hear me out, I know it sounds like a trainwreck, but I think it would be the best of all possible worlds. That and Jim Ross would overdose on his own barbeque sauce if you put him with 20 feet of this match. This is what should go down, get this, a Hoss Battle Royale. You get together as many hosses from both brands as you can and you have them duke out to see who's the biggest and baddest hoss. You take the Undertaker, Kane, Tyson Tomko, Viscera, Luther Reigns, Heidenreich, Muhammed Hassan and The Big Show and let them go out in a specially calibrated holding pen. You grease the sumbitch up and sole survivor is the winner. The madness and the insanity would be immense. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet Chris Masters, a cross between The Narcissist and Mr. Perfect. It'll be interesting to see what comes of his arrival. If the never do wrong idea runs its course, you could end up having him screw up and have a mental breakdown in the process. I hope Paul London and Akio get the opportunity to have a match on SmackDown because the series of matches they've had on Velocity have been off the hook. I know that wrestling rarely shows up in the world of sports entertainment, but just give them a segment by themselves on SmackDown. Or better yet, I've got the dreamer's disease, Best Of 7 Series. Or how about tobacco with a sugar coating, like a, like a, a tobacco gumball, yeah. Them anti-smoking ads are hilarious, I'm sorry, I think they do more harm than good. Kurt Angle versus Shawn Michaels at Herbie Goes To Hollywood. The bad neck versus the bad back, hey I'm just being honest. Yeah, but these guys are warriors and super troopers. They'll put on a pure rocketbuster as Tazz would say. I believe in these two because they both have hot wives and you aren't gonna see them getting caught in the mashed potatoes. Hell, these guys probably don't even eat anything with gravy. That would include hamburgers and that is disappointing. I wish TNA best of luck with their next PPV. DDP vs Jarrett for the NWA World Heavyweight Title. The return of Ultimate X and the reemergence of the other New Age Outlaw. Plus Abyss vs Jeff Hardy in a falls count anywhere match and hopefully they'll let the fat frat guys who like to jump off the top rope have a match, they'll probably face the Harrises. Plus it looks like Monty Brown is scared of superheroes, who knew. And what's gonna happen to the US Title? If Cena wins the WWE Title, is he gonna put a spinny W or a spinny globe on the belt and make that tacky too. If Cena loses, the Chain Gang will be disappointed and the spinny belt will be nothing more than a pretty decoration for the stoners to get lost in. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Identity Theft I know you've seen the newest Wrestlemania ad with Eddie Guerrero and Booker T spoofing Pulp Fiction. I thought that Booker T was gonna play the awful actor that he usually does until he showed me he could recite scripture. That's the dramatic range that we need to see out of pro wrestlers, tough guys that read the Bible. "Somebody stole their PPV box", gotta love the way he can reiterate what the scared dude said. That's quality right there. I'm kind of sad that it was Rey Misterio and Eddie Guerrero winning the tag team titles at No Way Out and not Eddie and Booker. There could have been some classic chemistry between the two that surpasses what BookDust had. But there's still time, Rey Rey could be part of the clubhouse as well. Hell, they are all 'minorities' and you know how man be keeping them down or at least that's what I've been told. Why not exploit Affirmative Action and create one big melting pot of a stable on SmackDown. You could call them "Identity Theft" and they could come in and steal all the top spots on SmackDown. They could focus their attention on JBL and the WWE Title. JBL could fire his chief of staff, Orlando Jordan and he can join them. And if Teddy Long gets canned, he could be the managerial representative of this outspoken newly improved Player's Club. Throw in a healthy Mark Henry and they've got themselves a hoss that is unstoppable. They could be hypocrites, the cool bad guys if you will. Get the fans to support them, but lie, cheat and steal their way to the top because they've been oppressed in the past. Exploit the demographics and it could work, but hey, I just have ideas, I never said they were gonna work. Drown In Denouement I'm done like a steak that's gonna be consumed by Dusty Rhodes. Who doesn't love a jovial fat guy, seriously now. I'm glad you could join me on this strange journey through my mind. It's like a lobatomy without all the mess. What can I say? These teenyboppers on the MTV are spoiled like bad pork with their little insignificant gaudy ostentatious confidence building birthday bashes. They need to be catered and I'd be willing to supply the knuckle sandwiches, ahhhh, Bermulloch and YEAH, WRESTLING (as I give the thumbs up in a drunken haze)...................... Recommended reading includes Dumass' tribute to late great Hunter S. Thompson about wrestling at the ECW Arena here on the main page and Xanman's Drugs Or Jesus testimonial in the LOP Columns Forum. Yeah, that and the Nutritional Facts on anything you decide to consume because when everything gets settled, you ultimately are what you eat. Send Feedback to john.d.donaldson@gmail.com Get To Know The Real Me Yeah, that's me, this is just another way besides e-mail to get in touch with me. Check it out, if you'd like. The LARGEST Collection of RARE & HOT WWE Diva and TNA Knockout Photo Galleries! GO NOW!
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