Wrestling in a Bottle: Special Victims Unit
Submitted by Snapple on Friday, January 28, 2005 at 4:08 PM EST





"Roses are red... Violets are blue... I make my breakfast... by eating pieces of poo. HEIDENREICH SMASH!"

Hello wrestlemaniacs, and welcome to the latest edition of the column voted most likely to become president in high school, Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm Snapple.

I got some heavy feedback from the last column. I couldn't reply to everyone, but I did read it. Hopefully, me doing this second column since my return will show people that I am serious about my duties and I still have things to write about. I might have to get a bit more creative, but the drive is still there.

I want to take a non-sequitor moment to mention that I, like Tito, am also a fan of VH1's the Surreal Life. I hate reality television, but when the horrors of reality television are inflicted upon celebrities, it becomes more entertaining to me. I think this new season of the Surreal Life is going to be good, although they seem to be really scraping the bottom of the celebrity barrel the fourth time around. Even as a wrestling fan, I'm able to realize that Joanie Laurer is not exactly a top choice for celebrity reality pickings.

The first season had MC Hammer, Emanuel Lewis, and Corey Feldman. The second season had Erik Estrada, Vanilla Ice, Tammy Faye, and Ron Jeremy. The third season had Jordan Knight, Charo, Flavor Flav, and Dave Couliet. They were all pretty strong casts. Now I don't even recognize half the cast this season, but at least there's Mini-Me. I can live with that. So far I've learned that as crazy of a bitch that we all thought Chyna was, she's apparently even worse.Oh my God, that bitch is psycho. Even the people who enjoyed her in Playboy would burn their copy if they saw her now.

Above anything else right now though, I am extremely pumped for the Superbowl. I am a fan of American football, and Superbowl Sunday is one of the best nights for watching TV of the entire year. While neither the Patriots nor the Eagles are one of my very favorite teams, I am a big supporter of the Eagles, and I like most of their players. Some people might even remember that around this time last year, my man Donovan McNabb beat up Triple-H in a column. I'll be rooting for the Eagles, but congratulations to both teams for making it to the big game.

A big congratulations to Josh Matthews and Rue getting engaged. Josh is a lucky, lucky man, as I personally think Rue was easily one of the hotter women to grace WWE television. I'm sure they will have many annoyingly good-looking children together.


What's Your Story?

I have been trying to get back into wrestling lately. In my extremely negative column last week that seemed to worry people, I did neglect one thing that I've been liking lately. The Batista inevitable face-turn is being handled very well by the WWE, I think. Even though he looks like just another roided hunk of thing that Vince likes to push, he has one thing I respect a lot. He has the desire to improve himself. He has improved himself by leaps and bounds since his debut. He's no longer just another hoss. He's become decently agile for a big guy, and he has personality. If the WWE had built up Orton in this fashion, then his face turn wouldn't have looked like such a failure.

Someone will turn heel on RAW soon. Mark my words. Look how loaded RAW has become with faces in the last year. In 2004, Chris Benoit jumped to RAW. Jericho turned face. Kane sort of turned face. Orton turned face. Shelton Benjamin jumped to RAW and turned face. Batista is turning face. The only major heel turn we had to balance it out was Edge's. Something has to fill this major heel void on RAW. It's going to be big, whatever it is.

The Royal Rumble is coming up, and I can't really say I've watched enough TV to make big judgments about the show. My big surprise from the card is that I now find out Edge vs. Shawn Michaels, one of the matches for my fantasy Wrestlemania 21 card, is being hotshotted at the Rumble. I don't even know what to think of this move, but it's completely idiotic. The WWE's plans for Michaels and Edge had better be BIG to flush the buildup they already had with these two. Since the split, there's been barely any time to build up a proper feud anymore. They finally have the chance to do so with these guys, build instead they've chosen to blow it. Alright, I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

I do believe that Batista will win the Rumble, although I agree with Daveyboy that he's just not ready for the main event yet. I would love to see Triple-H vs. Batista in a midcard match without the title on the line, but I guess that won't happen. RAW will have the main event of Wrestlemania for the second year in a row, because I don't think the WWE has much faith in Smackdown as a brand to pull off being the main event.

If I had to pick a person from Smackdown to win the Rumble, it would be John Cena. Even though Cena has the US title around his waist, all signs point to the WWE looking to push him into the main event soon. Aside from the fact that Cena has won every feud he's been in since he turned face (not counting the No Way Out match as a feud), the midcarders aren't even a challenge for him anymore. He doesn't have any real wrestling skill, so the WWE is now getting fans on his side by booking him in Goldbergian squashes. As I said, he does have the US title in his possession, but then, the Ultimate Warrior also wore a secondary title when he main-evented Wrestlemania 6. Hmmm! It's not like the WWE hasn't rehashed 50 other ideas this past year already.

Rehash ideas? The WWE? That would never happen. They aren't so stupid as to... say... book BOTH of their last two Last Man Standing matches to end in a draw, would they? I guess the extreme chorus of boos at the Royal Rumble last year means the fans want to see that again! Yeah!

Now, I like Last Man Standing matches in general, and I love heel vs. heel matches. It would be very hard to displease me by offering an Angle vs. Bradshaw match, yet they managed to anger me twice now. They infuriated the crowd a few weeks ago by having Angle vs. Bradshaw end in a DQ. Then they give a non-finish to the rematch as well. Again the fans hated it. Bradshaw and Angle are both doing pretty well right now, and I don't think screwjob endings would hurt either of them. This is what helped bring down WCW. Whenever there's a "big" main event between two big stars on free television, they almost always had it end in a disqualification.

Actually, there are a lot of other scary similarities that Smackdown has to Nitro, but that's perhaps better suited for another column.

Final Thought

A bit of a short column this week, but bare with me as I get back into the groove of things. Actually, I do have an idea for an original column, culminating all of my thoughts about what New Jack has gone through the past few years. However, I worry that A) New Jack might not be a big enough subject to base an entire column on, and B) Nobody would want to read a column all about New Jack. He really is a fascinating fellow to me though.

It seems like some loser from another site has called out Dumass for "stealing his bit." Wow, talk about a sad cry for attention. It's okay to be jealous of Dumass. Even I am sometimes, but there's no need to sling mud among fellow writers to get hits. Unless it's at Scott Keith. He's fair game because... I said so. There's no hypocracy here. Nope, nada.

Stay tuned next week, and take care.

-Snapple

Hurr iz mah emayl: tasteless@gmail.com








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