|
|
|
|
|
Submitted by Dubzilla on Monday, December 27, 2004 at 10:27 AM EST
Breaking The Seal Hey, hey, hey, it's Dubzilla and The Cosby Kids. And I got Rudy, Theo and the rest of as I like to call them, H-Unit, you may know them as the Huxtables and we are hear to give you some great NBC family programming in primetime. Wait a minute, I'm early for the real show, Cheers. A show that profiles those that tend bar and denizens of a class transcendent Boston bar. That's more like it, well I may be early for the place where everyone knows my name, but you may be a new reader, but I doubt it. If you are, you probably stumbled upon me by accident. Anyhow, this is The Turnbuckle Tailgate, the only column where friends become lovers under the covers after a bottle of Wild Turkey and a pair of after dinner mints while listening to a John Mayer record. How are you? I'll give you time to talk to your computer screen while I guess what your answer is from one of the 6 stock cliched responses. I know, I'm a little late, it's been a busy holiday season for me. With all that giving my heart and soul out with all them gifts I gave to people that probably never expected my philanthropy and getting tanked at holiday parties, I'm exhausted from the holiday spirit, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad I finally get the spirit and just not say that I have it while I don't. It feels good and it's a euphoria better than any potent potable or hallucinogenic drug dosage could ever give me. I wish I could bottle up that loving spoonful and take it with me year round. But that wouldn't allow me to feel the whirlwind of emotions that include misery and self-deprecating loathing. That just wouldn't be me, Ned, Ned Ryerson, Needlenose Ned, Ned The Head, did the belly button whistle at the high school talent show, used to ask out your sister until you told me to stop. Sorry, watched the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray 87 times in the past month, force of habit. But you should hear the impression that guy for real like the first step of the curb into the puddle of slush, it is a doozy. If there's one thing I learned from that movie, it is that you can never have enough life insurance, am I right or am I right? If you are lost, go rent the movie. I'm not gonna hold your hand while you cross the street, you are a big kid now. You should know by now, that I am a random Capricorn who's birthday is coming up on Saturday, New Year's Day. I know and I'm a twin, what a weird set of circumstances that is. I realize I'm getting old, but I'm getting wiser and my thought process is getting more stretched and strewn in twenty different directions like a taffy pulling machine. We are gonna get going on the column right now. Usually this is the point where I tell you the different parts of the column, but if you don't them, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of events. It'll all make sense by the end of your reading. Hopefully, it'll be more than just fluff on sandwich loaf for you. Traditionally, this is the slowest time of the year for the WWE. The holiday break provides for little advancement in sports entertainment. With the Best of RAW 2004 and SmackDown Goes To Iraq, current action isn't relevant in the grand scheme of things. So this edition's Black and Tan should feature some fantasy warfare. Chalk this one up to it will probably never happen, but you can never say never. Rob Van Dam and Rey Misterio seem to fit together like a winter glove. Two of the most popular athletes on SmackDown, they came together to form a successful tag team unit. But what if they ever got it on in the ring against one another? Let's break this sum bitch down, why are we wasting any more time, let's do it....... Black - Rob Van Dam Whatever night of the week he wrestles, it is sure to be Rob Van Dam's night. This master of the aerial assault combined with acrobatic, gymnastic and martial artistic flair has captivated audiences in the squared circle for sometime. Outside of that dude that created the Kellogg brand of breakfast cereals, Rob is the most famous person ever to come out of Battle Creek, Michigan. His greatest accolade quite possibly could be his year and a half plus reign as ECW World Television Champion. Van Dam was able to bring prestige to the title and showcase his offensive innovation all at the same time. You know all the moves, he's got the right ones from the 5 Star Frog Splash, Rolling Thunder, The Split Legged Moonsault, The Van Daminator and The Van Terminator. The one glaring weakness his opponents have the tendency to capitalize upon is his blind insistance to put his body ahead his mind when performing his patented high risks maneuvers. For that, I call him the classic "Slurpee" wrestler due to the fact that he's probably gonna either look like or have a diet consisting of a non-solid food such as the Slurpee and he's the kind of performer that young kids and wastoids alike would hang out by the Slurpee machine while discussing the exploits of RVD. Not to mention that he did that 7-Eleven commercial around the time brand extension started with the WWE Slurpee cups. Tan - Rey Misterio Quite simply the one wrestler you could put in your pocket, keep him there and let him out when the going gets rough. Rey Misterio isn't the biggest dog in the fight, but his bark is immense. San Diego's finest is representing Mexicali making his foes run for the border. Like his partner, he isn't afraid to get airborne. I liken him to the pebble being launched out of a slingshot, he just has that kind of impact for such a compact athlete. He may not have the ying and the yang, but he's got the mask and vinyl get up. At times, he may seem like a broken record like his partner with many redundant signature maneuvers, but every once in a while, Rey will break out something tremendous that you rarely see that will befoggle your mind and bedazzle your brain. From the moment he pops up from his little Honey Comb Hideout down his Banana Splits ramp, Misterio is pulsating like the bass from a subwoofer in the back of a battle tested street racing automobile. Some would laud him the undisputed king of cruiserweight wrestling, that is arguable, but he is the most recognizable junior heavyweight. Most wrestlers have the height advantage against Rey Sterious as my drunken former co-worker who can't get any of the wrestlers' names right refers to him. A stare down won't faze Rey Rey as he'll look right through with his various colored contact lenses. Rey Misterio, a powderkeg always waiting to explode or better yet the cliched jumping bean from Mexico, but I reckon he's got more of a power surge than a legume that lacks a high vertical. Bartender's Choice - RVD or 619? Van Dam & Misterio were destined for tag team gold the moment they first hooked up as a duo. So complimentary, they have unique double team moves that delineate and distinguish tag team combinations outside of their odd coupling of appearance. The '420' double legdrop reminds me of a motorcycle and its boxcar. You can't fool little kids, they get around the playground, they go on the Internet, they'll figure out what 420 stands for. 4 legs and their combined shoe size, so you encourage me to play the shoe size guessing game like I was hanging out at my local Foot Locker checking out Nikes and Converses. Let me guess, RVD is a mammoth size 17 and Rey is a diminutive size 3, would that not be fecetious if we were using European sizes? These jokes just write themselves sometimes. Back to business, what if these guys hooked it up. Would it be face versus face or would one of them turn heel? I'd go with the former, they both sell a lot of merchandise. I'd have to go with Rey over Rob. Sure Rob can dodge the whirling dervish and counter a huracanrana or a head scissors with ease, but if he goes for that frog splash, Rey is small enough to curl up into a ball quickly and hit RVD where it hurts upon impact. Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm still wrong, whatever dude, it's all that secondhand smoke. When there's smoke, there's cancer and that's a serious matter. You can laugh at a chest cold because you can put a little Robitussin on it and you'll be back in business in no time, but Nyquil doesn't cure cancer, it only knocks you out like you were Mike Tyson's bitch. Yeah, that narrows the field down to like 4,000. On that note, it's time to move on. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots 3 Wise Men - People Who Need People I was touched, but not by an angel although she did have smooth skin and a glow to her. I was touched by the troops during the Christmas in Iraq special. I would be lying if I didn't say tears came to my eyes when that woman talked about not being able to see her husband due to the fact that they were separated during their service deployments. I think it is great to see a different side of the wrestlers. Some would say that it exposes the business, but these are real people just like you and me. Sure they travel so much they probably are out of touch with a lot of pop culture and current events, but these are wrestlers. Wrestlers are special characters in their own right, you have to be a little out there to have the hunger to pursue a career in pro wrestling. A sense of humor always helps. We got to see the Bradshaw that could have been a great sarcastic fan favorite instead of a bland beer drinking tough guy playing man of the trailer trash people. It may very well be a shame that I am never awake on a Sunday morning to see The WWE Experience, but I hear half of it is RAW/SD highlights and it features Todd Grisham who may just very well be as naive as he portrays himself on TV. It's not 1983, Todd, some of us have a higher IQ than you, stop playing stupid. Pete's Wicked Sampler - Rushing Roulette? RAW should be big after having a week off. Yeah, great idea planning a PPV right after the New Year. Well, they've had enough time to plants the seeds for what I could predilect since Halloween, The Elimination Chamber. I was wondering if they would whip it out in 2004, but they decided to wait until 2005 for tax purposes. No taxation without representation, my ass, that's why they keep Clarence Mason store in a life sized pickle jar. So they can rinse the brine off him when a frank matter such as this occurs. Maybe he cross examine Teddy Long and ask him why he can't complete a sentence in under a minute. He'll quell the filibustering fo shizzle, playa. At any rate, 6 guys will compete for the World Heavyweight Title and everyone but the most popular man in the match, Chris Jericho and the winner of the match will be the four of the seven favorites (Kane and Snitsky, I know they don't have a snowball's chance in limbo to pull it off, but they always end up being one of the final four because they are big and tall then there's also Shelton Benjamin, the perennial 'What the fuck is he still doing here?/We want you to think anyone can win the damn Rumble wildcard entry into the mix) to win the Rumble if a SmackDown guy doesn't do it. Two things I can guarantee, The Chamber shall be dangerous and they aren't gonna pull a Benoit and have the Rumble winner switch brands after January 30th. I'm not sure about the latter, but again it wouldn't be kosher for tax purposes once again with having to file an extra W-2 form with the brand switcharoo. Where's I.R.S. when you need him. Insert Ultimate Mixed Drink Here Presented by T.G.I.Friday's - High Wire X Style So TNA bringing in their other secret weapon to try to get you on their good side and buy their PPVs. Hey, they are 5 dollars cheaper than the WWE offerings. So, you thought they blew their collective load when they had America's Most Wanted and Triple X square off in a six-sided steel cage, wait until they bring you Ultimate X in the hexagon once again. It would be funny if they decided to play a joke on all of us and put Monty Brown and Abyss in the match instead of X Division regulars. Then you could have Mike Tenay or Don West spout off the cliche about how the X Division is not about weight limits, it's about no limits. Then you'd have them both go all-in after the belt and the suspended cable wires would snap, Sting wouldn't be The King Of Cable anymore because the Incredible Hulk ride wouldn't revive the career of the kid from Courtship Of Eddie's father, I don't think anyone I would mention would be alive. I just hope that a stunt like that where the ring would end up collapsing wouldn't overshadow TNA's bread and butter, The X Division. Sure the cream of the crop is Traci and that butterfly tattoo on the small of her back, but forcing Petey Williams to defend his title in Ultimate X, that will be a true test and a bind Scott D'Amore can't even get him out of. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy) Say It Ain't So, Joe Anyone who has been reading this column for any period of time knows that I am a big fan of Ring Of Honor Wrestling. I have viewed about 75% of their DVD offerings since their inception almost 3 years ago and attended 5 of their shows in the past year. One of the constants of ROH inspite of what could be perceived as a revolving door of talent in the wake of all of their consistent mainstays is the quality of wrestling action. These guys pour their souls out in the ring not only for ROH, but for independent wrestling in general. One of the personifications of pro wrestling was their World Champion Samoa Joe. Usually the biggest dog in the fight, Joe was shockingly adept at employing wrestling holds and wearing a wrestler out with a combination of strength and brutality. His long title reign built the prestige of that championship belt something HHH could only dream of doing with the World Heavyweight Title. Joe would be a star without that title and that is now what he shall be, at least for the current moment outside of a rematch as he lost his title last evening at ROH Final Battle 2004 in Philadelphia, PA. The new champion is rising star Austin Aries from the faction Generation Next. Aries has proved his mettle in classic matches against captain workrate American Dragon Bryan Danielson and he has truly earned his spot in a whirlwind year in ROH. But here's to the ex-champion Joe, he will have many more moments in the sun. But who could deny a title reign that lasted just over 21 months totaling 647 days. That's an anomaly in this day and age, but a statistic that is to be respected and held in high regard. Joe never backed away from a challenge and defended the belt at least once a month, often times against the same opponent multiple times proving without a shadow of a dougt that he was the better man. I toast ye, Samoa Joe, you are one for the ages. Drown In Denouement As Dusty Rhodes might say, that's it, but he'd say it in one breath and he'd add a letter in the middle to make it freaking hilarious. That's all I got for now, probably the next time you'll read me will be in 2005, but keep your fingers crossed, you never know where you are gonna see me (no, not on a rerun of The Wonder Years on Nick At Nite, sorry to burst your bubble). Ahhhh, Bermulloch and Yeah Wrestling with two thumbs, one up, the other looking for a ride to the arena. Remember that tailgating is not only a privilege and an honor, it's your rightful civic duty. Send Feedback Here Yeah, I got a NEW E-MAIL ADDRESS. I still have the old one and all the old ones I've had, but I'd prefer to get mail at the new one. Yeah, it's the Google mail. I'll never have to delete e-mail again if I don't want to. Yeah sure I'll see if that's true in 10 years. >>*PLAY NOW*<< Fun, FREE, WWE Online Games! Fight Cena, Kick Hogan, TONS MORE! PLAY NOW!
|
|