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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, December 19, 2004 at 3:00 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – Holiday Spirit Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin' With The Bossman, Holiday Style! Yes indeed, it’s that time of year. Time to fork over money for loved ones, ones you don’t love, and damn coworkers who you would like to give the gift of the Complete Mark Henry Collection, and make them watch it non stop. Well, maybe nothing that severe, but bad! So, once again I will remind you folks that there will be no column next week. But, on January 2nd, there will be a special edition. The Third Annual Bossman Awards. But that’s two weeks away. And we have a big week to cover right now, so let’s get to it. WWE TV – The Series Armageddon Didn’t see it. Don’t really care. Apparently the big swerve between Haas and Jackie happened. Taker didn’t win, but wasn’t pinned, and Bob Holly got a PPV appearance as "punishment". Big Show won. That is all. Raw Minor notes from Raw Well it looks like the plot lines are being developed. Batista is slowly beginning his turn on H. Just in time for the Big Event. Some where in Titan Towers, as Linda is downing scotch, going over the books, she comes across a storage bill. Checking her records, she can’t seem to find what the item being stored is. "What the hell?" She thinks to herself, topping off her glass. Ah, but the mystery will soon be solved…Ah, to heck with it. It's the bill for storing the Elimination Chamber. Edge Don’t whine. That is all. Chicks, Chick and More Chicks. That is a good thing. The women’s WRESTLING division may be decimated, but there are plenty of hot chicks that can just be eye candy. Now, if there were some additional actual wrestlers, that would be nice. H The guy is talented, no doubt about it. I’ve heard him all over the place this week. From Stern, to local radio. The guy is a personable, well-spoken guy. It’s just that when it comes to wrestling, he needs to share the spotlight, and let the rest of the card be built up to his level. At least push wise. Nothing but H just sinks him. If he doesn’t have some one who can face off evenly against him, he’s doomed. If he doesn’t have a weakness, he’s doomed. That was the key to rise of H back in 2000, and 1999. Austin, Rock, Foley, all treated him as a legitimate threat and a top guy, not as fodder. That worked. That made a star. They didn’t just build him for one match, and then spend the rest of the year pissing on him. He was a constant threat. That worked. Elimination Chamber There was a lot of bitching and moaning about the Divas Contest and how much money they got. How soon some folks forget. The Elimination Chamber cost a half million to make. It’s been used three times. The Divas have been used more than that, and when their swimsuit magazine comes out, the cost will be defrayed. Unlike the Chamber which actually costs money to keep. Storage people. Transportation. It does have ten miles of chains, and weighs a butt load. Carting that sucker from arena to arena ain’t cheap. I bet the WWE is hoping that the bitch sinks on the way back from Puerto Rico, so that they can claim the insurance and get it off the books. Oh, who’s going to be in the match? Easy. Jericho, H, Benoit, Edge, Batista, and Flair. Who’s’ going to win? Simplicity itself. H. It’s all WWE knows how to do. Who do I want to win? Edge. Have him get a sneaky win, and then be the super ego driven Edge. Not whiny bitch Edge. Who needs his buddy Christian to back him up against H, and friends. That would be cool. Smackdown Recap Info provided by Brandon Scott Berthelot or "BSB" Welcome aboard Brendan. Moo! To you too. This show has got balls. It’s taking a daring chance by pitting heel against heel. Angle vs Bradshaw, and folks, I love it. Something new, something interesting and something has some top notch possibilities. But please WWE, don’t mess with the chemistry. It’s going to work. Don’t do a face flip on either Angle or Bradshaw. Keep them in their roles, but now they are going to be fighting each other. Or better yet, indirectly. See, you can have a triangle plot here, and one that would help everyone involved and make some compelling TV. Eddie and Booker had a great skit backstage. A swerve that wasn’t a swerve. Add Big Show to that posse, for the two stables to fight against, and that is some good TV. Why? Because it forces the writers to think outside the box. Instead of the traditional screw job endings, we now have a conflict of interest. The heels try to cheat the faces, but have to fend off the other heel team as well. If Undertaker wasn’t bound to get involved it would be pure gold. Sorry, I just see so much good stuff that could happen, that I’m mentally running all over the place. Let me slow down and try to lay some possibilities out for you, and you may see what I mean. 1) Bradshaw is going to be champ for a long time That means that is going to have to be kept strong. If he’s going to say how great he is (honestly, no reason he shouldn’t) then that brings him into conflict with many wrestlers. His stable is going to be the deciding factor. They will keep him on top. 2) Angle needs something to do. s a cocky heel, he’s great. Bradshaw is a solid foil for him. He needs to go for the belt. But he needs a reason to be kept from it. JBL, Inc is damn good one. Instead of focusing on one guy, with his own stable he now has a good foe to prove himself against. They can’t fight all the time. They need something to keep them from going tooth and nail after each other. 3) Booker T and Eddie, Plus One more. Tam them with Big Show. Let them get the cheap wins. The wins where the other team did most of the work and these guys sneak in and grab it. And rub it in. Eddy lies, cheats, and steals, remember? Booker is a sly dog himself. Add Big Show as an equalizer for the bigger numbers, and you got a team that can play both sides against each other, and look good doing it. There needs to be a clear "face" side, and these guys need that heat. 4) It’s already started, but can be kept going for a long, long time. This is one story that can be drawn out, and has plenty of twists and turns built in. It’s a cold war story, where neither side directly confronts the others, but has skirmishes instead. You have Luther, the guy who already looks like he’s going to jump ship, but could flip back at a key moment. You can have Angle side with Team Eddy, or Show, or whatever, only to use them to further his own ends. You have Amy, as Bradshaw’s agent, who can do the sneaky talking and dealings. You even have Carlito as an errand boy, who has his own game plan. Man, so many possibilities, and the best part is, if something isn’t working or an injury crops up, there’s plenty of guys to cover. It’s a big, complex, angle. For the title. I love it, and the best part? Creepiness factor is ZERO. ZERO people! How often does that happen? Man I’m stoked and the only thing I can see going wrong right now is that the break is coming up and Vince is going to spend a lot of time with his family, and if the track record holds, nothing good comes out of this break. Last time it was racism, before that, it was stalker-palooza. This time? Well, I don’t want to give them any ideas, so I’ll just keep mum. But I will say this. I haven’t looked forward to how an angle develops for a long time. This one is doing the trick. Dave, you’re the man. Now, just don’t talk to Gerwitz or throw Heidenerich at him to keep him busy. No Funaki? Awwwwww. I was looking forward to Funaki, since I did read he won the Cruiserweight belt. But if that is the price for a great angle, I’ll accept it. But it is par for the course. Big win, then botched. I can live with nothing, instead of something horrible. Smackdown was another good show. It’s putting pieces together in a very exciting way. Hopefully the trend will continue. The background is set for the Royal Rumble, but there is a huge gap of time between then and now, and hopefully the pieces will continue to fit together, and no upset of angles will occur. Christmas at Kane’s House Night has crept over the town and inside Kane’s house, all is dark and quiet and still. In Kane’s bedroom, which is decorated all in black, the soft sounds of Kane’s breathing and Lita’s snoring are heard. Yet on this night, something odd is happening. A faint, glowing orb of light is drifting down the hallway. Under the bedroom door, a sliver of light grows as the orb nears. A faint moaning, growing louder as the orb gets closer to the door is heard. The orb comes to the outside of the bedroom door, and then passes through it. A shimmer of light, and a ghostly figure appears. It stands at the foot of the bed. It looks over the two occupants of the bed, and the soft moaning groans in volume. It begins to walk float to the bed. It trips on something, gives a clearly audible "whoops" and falls down next to Kane’s side of the bed, with a solid thump. As the ghostly figures picks itself up, and reaches the level of the bed, Kane sits up and starts screaming. The ghost drops back down the ground, but Kane keeps screaming. Finally, in desperation, the ghost reaches out and shakes Kane. Ghost: KANE! WAKEUP KANE! KANE! Kane: Huh? What? Who’s there? What’s going on? Ghost: Kane, wake up. You’re having a nightmare! Kane: Huh? Oh, yeah, now I remember. Fluffy kittens that wanted me to play with them were chasing me. They had yarn, and were purring, it was horrible…wait a second…who are you? Ghost: Don’t you recognize me Kane? Kane: Al Wilson? Wait a second, aren’t you dead? Al: Indeed I am Kane. Kane: Oh, can I go back to sleep now? Al: No Kane, for I have come on a special mission. I am here to warn you Kane! Tonight, three ghosts will visit you! One from your past! Kane: Katie? Al: No Kane, it’s not Katie. Kane: Too bad. I haven’t seen her for a while, and well, the missus doesn’t like to put out… Al: Get your mind out of the gutter Kane! This is important! Now, three ghosts will visit you. One from Christmas Past, one from Christmas Present, and the last, Christmas Future. They will visit you at the strike of two, three and four. Be ready Kane! Kane: Why? Al: They have a special message for you Kane. Heed their warnings! Kane: Fine. Whatever. Al: Kane, I do have one question before I go. How can your wife sleep through that screaming? Kane: Lita is used to it. Here, watch. Kane reaches over and slaps Lita on the ass. Lita doesn’t move. Kane starts rubbing her ass. Lita rolls over, and slaps Kane’s hand away, and murmurs without fully waking. Lita: Get off me you big retard! Go dig up some one… Kane: See? Al: I find that strangely arousing. But I must go! Heed my message Kane! Be ready! Daaawwwwnnnnnnn….. With that unearthly moan, Al fades from sight. Kane: I hate ghosts waking me up from sleep. Oh well, back to bed. No kittens this time… Kane goes back to sleep. Later… The clock strikes two… Kane is shaken awake. He comes too screaming. Voice: Holy crap man, keep it down. It’s just me, the Ghost of Christmas Past! Kane: Oh man, that was horrible… Ghost: Was it the kittens again? Kane: Worse. It was puppies. Cute, little puppies scampering here and there, and licking…Hold on a second. X-Pac? Shaun? X-Pac: It’s me dude. The Ghost of Christmas Past. X-Pac in Da House! Kane: But you’re not dead! I just got your video! X-Pac: What did you think? Kane: It was hot! But I don’t really go for guys…but that one was pasty enough to look like my type. You know, dead and all. X-Pac: Dude that was Chyna! You remember her? Kane: Yeah (he shudders) yeah I do. Anyway, what do you want Shaun? X-Pac: Take my hand Kane. Kane: You washed them first? X-Pac: Come on man, you can trust me.. A swirl of mist rises up and covers all…. The scene is one that is instantly familiar to Kane. It’s his old house, which he shared with Paul Bearer, and Undertaker. A mortician’s calendar on the wall proclaims it Christmas morning. A young Kane comes running up from the cellar. He bursts into the living room, where a threadbare tree is decorated with bits and pieces of medical equipment. Under the tree are two body bags. Kane rushes over to one, and reads the nametag. Eagerly, Kane unzips the bag. Inside is a dead dog, slightly flattened on one half. Kane clutches the dead animal, causing a squishy sound to be heard. Kane looks over to the next one, where inside is bits and pieces of sharp metal and broken glass. Kane claps his hands in joy. The happy child starts playing his new toys and pet. Form the next room, Paul sneaks into the room and raises a tranquilizer gun, and he shoots Kane in the back. Kane stiffens and falls face first into a pile of rusty nails. Paul: I don’t know how that boy keeps escaping. I’ll have to get stronger chains. Oh well. Merry Christmas Kane! X-Pac: Dude, that is one messed up scene. Kane: (Wiping a tear from his eye) That was the best Christmas ever! I named the dog Squishy! I still have him in my basement. X-Pac: You are one warped dude, dude. The mists rise up again, and when they clear, Kane is in his bedroom, back in bed. Kane flops back and goes back to sleep. Three O’clock… Kane wakes up screaming…. Ghost: Easy big guy, you just chill… Kane: Oh man, that was horrible! Hamsters! Nothing but cute, fluffy hamsters, everywhere, and then they started singing and dancing….It was awful! Ghost: Well wake up. Cuz you gotta be ready for the HOOOOO TRAIN! Music swells up from somewhere, and flashing lights start pulsing. At the end of the bed is the Godfather. Lita rolls over onto her stomach and puts her pillow over her head. Vague feminine forms come coasting through the all, as Godfather dances. Kane: HEY! My wife is here! Shouldn’t we be going some where? Godfather: Huh? Oh yeah, the Ghost of Christmas Present gig. Sorry bout that my man. Taker my hand and away we go! Kane grabs the Godfathers hand, and the mist swirls. In a dark light meeting room, shadowy figures are gathers around a table. Voice#1: So, what is the WWE up to now? Voice#2: Still skirting the edges of bad taste. They have added more women on of potentially loose moral fiber to their programming. Voice#1: Have they brought back that..person…the one on that list? Voice#2: No Sir. The Godfather- Voice#1: DON’T SPEAK HIS NAME! Voice#2: No sir, the, er, that …person has not returned to their program. Voice#1: Excellent. He shall never find a TV home. For he is at the top of the list… Godfather: I knew it! Kane: What are we doing here? Godfather: What’s that? Oh, just wanted to use these supernatural powers to find out something I always wondered about. Just consider it a little detour. Let’s go the real stop. The mists swirl again, and this time when they clear, it’s back in Kane's living room. The sun is up and shining brightly. Kane and Lita are seated in front of their tree, while a fire burns in the fireplace. Both are exchanging gifts. Kane take a gift from Lita and opens it. Inside are mittens. Kane smiles and kisses Lita on the forehead. Kane hands a big box to Lita. She gasps in surprise and then starts ripping the paper off of it. She opens the box, ad her moth drops open and her eyes go wide. With a startled expression, she lifts severed head from the box. She turns it, and it’s Gene Snitsky. She looks on in astonishment, as Kane smiles at her. She looks up at Kane, and then bursts into a huge smile. She jumps up and onto Kane, and gives him a bear hug, and starts kissing his face. Kane laughs with joy, and hugs her back. A commotion from outside is heard, and the happy couple run to the door and throw it open. Outside, Big Show, Bossman, and JR are singing Christmas carols. Kane and Lita hug each other, and listen for a while. A few seconds later, Kane raises his arms and JR bursts into flames. Lita, Kane, and Bossman laugh, while Big Show tries to put JR out. Kane and Lita look deep into each other’s eyes, and smile happily. Godfather: Well that’s one way to spend Christmas. Kane: Will I really give her Snitsky’s head? She had it on her list, but the goof has been in hiding. Good to know that I finally get him. Godfather: I think that’s the least of your problems Kane. Time to go. The mist swirl, and Kane finds himself back in his bed. Kane: This is getting tiring. Kane goes back to sleep. Later Kane wakes up screaming again. Kane: Huh…Huh…all three fuzzy critters! Having a tea party…so cute….Gah! Kane looks around, and finds himself alone with Lita. He looks at the clock. It’s 4:05 am. Kane: Guess the third ghost called it a night. I think I’ll get myself something to drink. Kane gets up, slaps Lita on the ass as he does so, put on a robe and slippers and heads downstairs. He goes into the kitchen, and opens the fridge. It’s empty. Completely, totally empty. Kane: That’s strange. Oh wait, they left a Diet Coke. Voice: Dibs on the Coke! I gotta have something to wash all this down with. Kane: Wha? Who’s there? Ghost: Me. The Ghost of Christmas Future! Kane: Wait, you’re not the Ghost of Christmas Future! You’re Mark Henry! And you’re eating all my food! Mark: I am the Ghost of Christmas Future and if you gotta a problem with that, take it up with Al. Kane: Well, you’re late. Mark: Hey man, I got hungry. Then there were all those stairs. No one said anything about stairs. Mark henry doesn’t do stairs. Kane: Let’s get this over with. Come on. Mark: No hurry man, there’s still some cream cheese left, and I have this loaf of bread, and some bologna, and then there’s some mustard.. Kane: Come on Mark, let’s go. I want to have some food left. Mark: Aw man,! Fine, let’s go. Take my hand. Kane: Let go of the chicken. Mark: You want to go or not? Kane grabs the drumstick. Mists swirl. The new scene is a bar lounge. A spotlight shines on a lone microphone. A man steps up and takes the mic. Man: Welcome to Funaki’s #1 Open Mic night! Or next performers are new to the karoake scene. So give them a warm welcome! Kane and Heidenriech take the stage. Kane has a guitar, while Heidnerich is in a straight jacket. Kane: Thank you! Let’s hit it John! Kane: First he stole her underwear, then he stole her heart! Oh Bossman! Why did you take her away from me? John: My name is Heidenreich! I like to fight! I’ll fight tonight! I’ll strike when the time is right! Kane: Her panties were strewn around the room / and the nightstick was on the dresser/ It didn’t take a professor! John: Oh Michael Cole, why put up a fight? / The time is right! / To proclaim our love on the air tonight! Kane: You left me burning with desire / worse than JR / Yes, worse than JR… John: I’ll get that Undertaker, if it’s the last thing I do... The crowd has grown vocal, and is booing heavily. A voice from the back shouts: Man: You suck! A nightstick flies out of the crowd and hits Heidenriech squarely between the eyes. Kane: Bossman? Lita? Is that you? Come back to me baby! I’ll stalk you like never before! Funaki comes onstage and pushes Kane off. He kicks John off the front of the stage. Funaki: Calm down people! We have a local favorite! The Steve Austin Experience! The crowd cheers, and Austin comes onstage with a guitar. Stone Cold: I just wrote this one. I hope you like it! Stone Cold: That crazy bitch stole my money / and then stole my home / but she didn’t get the ATV or get the beeeerrrr… Kane: That’s just wrong. Mark, tell me, is there time to change? Mark: I’ll have the chicken fingers with extra ranch, and some curly fires, and a large coke, and then the Death by Chocolate, and then a couple of burgers, and maybe some potato skins, with extra bacon- Kane: MARK! Mark: Huh? I’ trying to order here! Kane: Can this future be changed? Mark: Of course it can. It’s just a possibility! Now, where was I? Oh yeah! I’ll have the ribs and two steaks on the side… The mists swirl. Kane wakes up in bed. He shoots up and give a scream. Lita rolls over and puts an arm around him. Lita: What’s wrong Kane? Was it the puppies or the kittens! Kane: Bossman! Lita: Bossman? Kane jumps from his bed and runs over to the closet. He opens the doors and sees Bossman. Bossman: Oh! Hi Kane! Thought I heard a noise, and I was just-URK! Kane grabs Bossman around the throat and carries him over to the window. He throws Bossman through it. Bossman: OOMPH! YOU BIG RED RETARD! I LANDED INA SNOWBANK! HA! AND I GOT YOUR PURTY WIFE’S THONGS! AHAHAHAHA! Bossman jumps the fence. Lita: Damn.. He got the green one. That was my favorite. Kane: I’ll get you a new one. YOU THERE! HEY ORTON! Orton is hiding in behind some bushes, peeking at the house in back, where a new tenant by the name of Maria has just moved in. She can be seen in her bedroom window changing. Orton: PSST! Keep it down Kane! I don’t want her to see me. Maria has heard the commotion and closed her blinds. Kane: Too late. Say Randy, what day is this? Orton: It’s Christmas, you idiot! And I don't get my present! Thanks a lot Kane! Kane: It’s Christmas! Lita: Duh. You really are retarded. Kane: Thanks honey. Merry Christmas baby! Lita: Don’t touch me. Moron. Merry Christmas everyone! See you in two weeks! Bossman Awards, they’re coming! Until next Time, Thanks For reading and Thanks for Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* The AMAZING New Karen Angle Tease Photos!
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