The Rant of the Week: The Week that Was
    Submitted by Phantom Lord on Monday, December 13, 2004 at 6:36 AM EST





    Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is your all mighty and important Rant of the Week. Last week around this time I was trying to put actual thought into a column and I was working on a huge column on steroids and heat, but then a lot happened and my will to write began to draw out. At the most it might take me 3 hours to bang out one of these columns. Well that’s when I’m actually inspired to write and I’m not distracted or just bored off my ass to the point where the hamster in my head has fallen asleep on the wheel. So it was pretty rough starting Sunday Night when we got a phone call that my Uncle died. We were watching NWA-TNA Turning Point (Which BTW Ruled), and we got the call. I didn’t know it was really that bad off but his suffering was over.

    So over the course of the week I went to the wake on Tuesday and Wednesday night and that’s when I read the worst news I think I’ve ever read on the Internet. Dimebag Darrell Shot and Killed on stage in Columbus, Ohio. I’m a huge Pantera fan and DamagePlan was damn good to and when I first read it I was like it has to be bullshit. I think that was around 1 when I read it and I had to get up after 8 to get ready for the drive to the funeral. Well by the time I went to bed around 4 in the morning the main news was Dime was dead but as for who else died was in question. A lot of reports from people said their bass player Bob Zilla got shot then others said their singer Pat Lachman was shot and killed (Which really got me worried since I loved his work in Halford).

    But in the end Dimebag’s bodyguard, a couple fans, and the mother-fucking piece of shit douche bag cocksucking asshole that killed them were dead. Apparently it’s another David Mark Chapman case where the guy was off his rocker and obsessed with Pantera and he decided to kill Dime because he broke up Pantera. Well I hope this Nathan Gale right now is in the Lake of Fire burning for all eternity and every now and then I hope he gets fished out and much like Hitler in Little Nicky he gets Pineapples shoved up his ass.

    So like I said I had a funeral to go to and my Uncle got a Police escort to the church and while I was inside, I was reflecting and wondering why this could happen. They say God works in mysterious ways but Dime’s murder gets as senseless as it can possibly be. This guy walks up to him on stage and unloads a clip into his head. For what? Because of a fucking band breaking up? Phil might be a bitch at times but come on we all knew damn well Pantera would ride again someday. The rest of the day went pretty well. We rode in the Police escorted precession to the cemetery in Long Island and my Uncle got Naval Honors at graveside since he was a retired Chief Petty Officer as a Naval recruiter. At the lunch after the funeral I went to the bar and I got myself a Jack and Coke and drank it in honor of my Uncle and Dime. I would have had more then one, but it wasn’t an open bar and I wasn’t about to pay $5 for another one. In any event it was a stressful week and I really Dimebag’s death was something that shouldn’t of had to be written about for a long time to come.

    But we all know right now Dime is up in heaven jamming with the greats. Dime Randy Rhodes, Jimi Hendrix, Cliff Burton, John Bonham, Keith Moon, and so many others. You know much like the great Wrestling matches going on up there…the jam sessions with all the great musicians must be something to behold.

    If you got any Jack and Coke or better yet Crown Royal and Coke (Dime’s favorite drink) pour a drink or ten and pay tribute to all those we’ve known and loved.

    Ok I’m done with the sentimental opening. But when ever a death happens it makes you put things into perspective. It makes you remember how short life really is and how petty arguments and things that you’ve sworn hatred over can be. In this column I always try to look at things from an unbiased line of sight. Sure I preach doom and gloom but that does not mean I want to see it happen. I’ve been watching the WWF/E for damn near my entire life. So when I see something I don’t like, I try to look at it from all angles and maybe give commentary on something that would improve it. Take last night for example. The WWE had Armageddon on PPV and I didn’t order it. I saw no reason to order it. TNA on the other hand built the hell out of their ppv Turning Point and they delivered with a bunch of solid matches and one match that might be the match of the year in Triple X vs. AMW. What did the WWE offer? A 4 way for the WWE Title, a joke of a street fight, a tag title re-match that should not of been, and oh yeah two chicks fighting. Lets not forget the Dixie Dog Fight…it was sanctioned by The Georgia State Athletic commission because as we know Boxing is a legit sport. [/sarcasm]

    Did the WWE build up Armageddon correctly? Yeah…but did they give you and me the consumer a reason to order it? Hell no. The WWE charges $34.95 per pay per view now and that’s pretty steep. NWA-TNA won out for me the last 2 PPV’s in a row because not only do they cram as much action as possible into an hour show in the worst time slot known to television programming…but they made the PPV’s worth a damn.

    I think the biggest angle going into the WWE ppv was John Cena. For those of you not in the know (Anyone with out the internet which would make it hard for you to be reading this) knows that John Cena was cast in a movie called The Marine which the WWE is producing. Now instead of giving a logical excuse like say Cena is taking time off to record his album they gave us quite possibly the dumbest angle in history. John Cena received a puncture wound to the kidney in an after hours club. If this were about 10 years ago that would mean John went to a bar and shot his mouth off and got the living shit kicked out of him by off duty Marines.

    Now I have a pretty limited knowledge of medical information, but I’m pretty sure if you received a puncture wound to the kidney (I.E. Stabbed or Shanked), you sure as hell wouldn’t be coming back in a month from that. But John did and since Carlito has a bum shoulder thanks to Hardcore Holly the WWE thought it would be a brilliant idea to have Cena come back and win the title. Now if it were something realistic like maybe three or four months then they could of used the comeback angle. Sort of like Ricky Steamboat coming back from Savage destroying his throat except Cena’s jock much less John Cena does not have the talent of Ricky Steamboat or Savage in their prime.

    Cena wins but enter Jesus. Yes the big man with the love of neon colored pants was here to say the day because as we know Nobody FUCKS with The Jesus. But to prove the US Title is cursed, Jesus supposedly tore his groin or at least really pulled it last week and because of that judging by the results and reaction’s I’ve read…Cena destroyed him in a squash. Now that Cena retained the title what the hell are they going to do with it? Even in the best circumstances he might be done filming in Australia by The Royal Rumble. The only person I know with balls and drawing power big enough to work a loose schedule like that is The Rock and the last time I checked, the ppv buyrates weren’t screaming Cena is a draw.

    It’s a shame because Smackdown has a really solid under to midcard right now. But alas Tough Enough segments with guys in drag and doing a joust on an inflatable kids ride are a bit more important then maybe giving the matches a couple extra minutes. Take last week on Velocity. Paul London vs. Jimmy Yang A.K.A Akio. They had possibly the best match on TV all year. A lot of people agree that London could be a goldmine for the WWE. He’s got the looks that teenage chicks mark out for. He’s got the in-ring talent smarks love and he has a character you can believe. Hell we know the WWE loves pushing the BAH GAWD HOSS…well London can easily be put into the Ricky Morton roll of beat on him for 20 minutes to the horror of the crowd. Jim Cornette said it best. If you can’t get over beating on Ricky Morton for 20 minutes you should think about a new career.

    Cruiserweight Wrestling despite what the WWE thinks is what is drawing on the Indies. People are paying good money to see guys who can fly and wrestle different styles and don’t look like they’ve been injecting massive amounts of steroids. I think the notion that you need to be 6’4 and at least 270 is a sad joke if it’s true in the eyes of the WWE. Now I’m not stupid and I don’t want to see Ultimo Dragon vs. Rey Mysterio in an Iron Man match at WM 21. I’m just saying the style of wrestling has changed and big and slow is not hot anymore. Sure there are the welcomed exceptions like The Undertaker who still puts on damn good matches, but for every Undertaker we get five or six HEIDENRICH’s who despite having hilarious gimmicks absolutely suck in the ring and there is no covering that up.

    Moving on to my other favorite wrestling company NWA-TNA, I got a good laugh earlier this week when The Macho Man allegedly asked TNA to have Jarrett do the J.O.B. at Final Resolution and crown him the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. I admire The Macho Man’s balls of steel for doing that, but The Mach’ has got to be fucking insane. Judging by his lack of participation at Turning Point and the fact that the way he moved made Hulk Hogan look like a Cruiserweight…I’m kinda guessing The Macho Man just doesn’t have it in him to be a full time much less part time wrestler. I mean he could still throw his good punches, but he looked like he could barely move in the ring. Hell he managed to counter a sunset flip into one of the most pathetic pins in the history of Pro Wrestling leaving a rather sour look to the end of a rather good match with Jarrett, Hall and Nash vs. A.J. and Jeff Hardy.

    TNA is in a tough spot right now. Final Resolution is coming up and they have no main event in sight. They all ready gave away Jarrett/Monty Brown two weeks ago and this week they are giving away Jarrett vs. Hector Garza. Both of those matches would be solid main events for the World Title…but who is left in TNA to be champion because right now if TNA is going to survive the belt needs to be off Jarrett at all costs. The way I see it TNA has these choices as someone to build the company around in the main event.

    Scott Hall, Monty Brown, and A.J. Styles.

    You can easily turn Hall and Nash face since most people pop for them anyways. Have them screw over Jarrett and say they came for one reason and that’s to get The NWA World Title. Now Kevin Nash looked pretty good in the ring last week, but we all know he’s one bad move away from a blown out knee. Scott Hall still is in pretty good shape and with Nash as his main mouth piece and personally I’d love to see Hall as World Champion since he’s one of the few guys who should have been crowned World Champion and theirs still a chance to correct that wrong.

    The second choice is Monty Brown. Granted he doesn’t have the experience, but he is the best heavyweight TNA has made on their own. I see Brown as sort of like Taz in ECW. Brown has the whole wrecking machine thing going and he has an awesome finisher that everyone loves to see. He’s got the look and he’s got the charisma and he’s someone TNA can build around. With Abyss, Raven, and others in the Heavyweight Division you have a much more solid upper card then RAW and Smackdown combined.

    Finally we have A.J. Styles. In a perfect world he would have never lost the title to Ron Killings last year. Because of that A.J. is in limbo. He has no one to really feud with and odds are they’re going to put him back in the X-Division (Which wouldn’t be so bad). But A.J. is the Golden Child of the NWA. He turned down a developmental deal from the WWF because he knew they were going to screw him over financially. Because of that Styles has always been pushed as the future of the NWA and wrestling in general and he is. Granted he lost to Garza on Impact last week, but since he is the top face in TNA if anyone is going to take on Jarrett and the King’s it is him.

    But what if Jarrett wasn’t the champion and we had a solid good guy like A.J. as the champion. You know who I would book into a feud with him?

    Coach Scott D’Amore of Team Canada. The few matches he has had in TNA have been incredible. His match vs. Jerry Lynn was amazing. Team Canada has 2 out of the 3 titles in the company. D’Amore is the only true heavyweight in the group. He is by far one of the most hated people in the company. If things were right I would be building him vs. A.J. for the World Title right now. It’s a proven fact that Team Canada does own and the man can get a crowd worked up since he is such a great old school heel.

    So with TNA in the shape it’s in they are in desperate need of a big hit to keep the ball rolling from Turning Point. Like I said, Triple X vs. AMW is being hailed as one of the greatest matches ever. They need to keep producing matches with heat on the feud to keep the fans tuned in and ordering. If the WWE could do that on both of their shows and I had more money I might have been giving a review of Armageddon right now. I mean who in the hell expected Funaki to win? Sure he’s a very underrated wrestler and it’s about time they gave him a meaningful push…but how much to we want to bet Spike cheats to win the title back on Thursday and Funaki is back to jobber duty on Velocity.

    But then again Velocity does have the show-stealing matches and Smackdown has those Tough Enough kids.

    Speaking of the PPV, According to the results The Big Show won his match with the F-5 tonight. Rumor has it Brock Lesnar is contemplating some sort of comeback. Was that a subtle shot at Lesnar to get his ass back to the WWE where he belongs? Probably. Of course I’d rather see him come back to RAW since that would mean there would be someone else to suplex the hell out of Triple H. Plus Lesnar vs. DAVE is a match that would be something we would all want to see. Did you hear the reaction DAVE got when he looked at Kane and told him to bring it? What about DAVE stepping up to Black Jesus and telling him to bring it. The Pop for Lesnar and Dave would in the words of Ozzy Osbourne “Cause the roof to fucking rattle”. WWE…Make it happen. Give Brock an easy schedule and bring him to RAW damn it.

    Oh before I go I guess I should touch on these nuggets of news. Before Paul Heyman was kicked off the creative team supposedly he got Vince McMahon to ok a one off ECW PPV and a Barbwire Match between The Big Show and JBL.

    Firs I would love to see one last ECW Show. I think considering they changed the landscape of wrestling if any company deserves to be brought back for one night it is ECW. Granted it would be a WWE Sanitized version, but it would be better then all of the imitators out there. If it does happen I just hope they do it from The ECW Arena. If ECW is going to go out in style it needs to happen in the building where it all began.

    As for The Barbwire Match, that’s something I would order a PPV just for. I’m a fan of the ultra violence and I would love to see this happen. But you have to wonder what the hell would happen between JBL and The Big Show to warrant a Barbwire Match. I guess that’s an incentive to watch Smackdown. I’m guessing if Kurt Angle raping The Big Show of his dignity was bad…a feud ending in a barbwire match is going to be insane.

    And that would be in February. Who would of ever imagined this time last year that JBL would be on the verge of a 6-month plus WWE Championship run and he would actually make it very entertaining. I commend JBL. I’ve loved his work since he became JBL. He’s a very old school heel and he’s actually making the Honky Tonk Man method of title defense work like a charm. Only problem is they haven’t built anything up since him vs. Eddie as a worthwhile feud and unlike Honky the people aren’t coming to see him get his ass kicked and lose the title. I mean they drew 4 to 5,000 two weeks ago at MSG. If that doesn’t send up red flags at Titan Tower that something needs to be done to draw the people back then nothing will.

    On that note I am done for this week. I didn’t do to bad considering this is my second version of this column in the last eight days or so. Me and Dumass are planning a huge year-end edition of Fact or Fiction. A lot has happened this year…what we will we cover? I guess you’ll have to check back to find out. He should have his column up sometime today or tomorrow. Lets just say it’s going to be hot.

    So until next time, take care and remember someone has got to give you this information and it DAMN well has got to be me {S Bob Grant

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