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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Sunday, November 28, 2004 at 10:49 PM EST
Ridin’ With The Bossman – No…More…Turkey… Greetings! Welcome to another edition of Ridin' With the Bossman! Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. I know I did. I’m going to try something new today, and get this column up early. I have a 10 am tee time. Yes, I golf. Badly. But it’s still golf. Been over three years since I played a full course, and well, why not go balls out and see just how badly my pitiful game has deteriorated. Should be fun for my buddy. At least until 1 pm, when I’m still trying to clear the fourth hole. Heh, serves the bastard right. But enough about that, we had some holiday themed wrestling, and if past shows are any guide to go by, this week must have sucked. Well, hold onto your horses and let’s see how things went down. Hit it Ron. No, not the fans! Crikey, have you no integrity? What’s that? You got a shot for that last week? Oh good grief… WWE TV – The Series Raw Recap info courtesy of …HEY! Where’s Doug? Man, he was doing a great job too. It must be the holiday. Hold on, let me check his previous week’s recap. Nope nothing, but then again, Thanksgiving. So, how about you folks drop Doug some email. Tell him that you missed him and that Wevvy sent you. Oh yeah, and tell him to get his ass back to work! I kid. Oh, and thanks Carl for filling in. Vince, You Are the MAN! Holy crap! It was an opening sketch! It was damn funny too! I heard that Vince wrote the whole thing himself. Way to go Vince. Lord knows what would have happened if you left it up to Gerwitz. It probably would have been about…well, let’s just not go there. Great job from Vince, and nice digs. Just repeating what those other sports have said about wrestling, and looks who’s getting the FCC fines and public outrage now? Hah. Great work from Trish and Shelton as well. Top-notch stuff, and the best open to the show in years. Your GM For Tonight Is…Chris Benoit Now Chris, you can go for what’s behind curtain number three or what’s in the box. Chris takes the box, after all, who can resist the power of the Box? Anyhoo, Benoit makes some matches, and they all sound good. Well, the first match should be over quickly. Maven vs Snitsky Beatdown of Maven. So much for the push eh, Maven? I just don’t get sending Snitsky out to wrestle with a broken orbital bone. Yes, he looks really scary, and it’s a real injury, but because it’s a real injury, and one that involves his eye, well, bench him. It will be fine. Use make up if you have too, but come one. Why have the guy risk further injury? He’s gotta last until Kane returns, and beats the piss out of him. Oh wait, I forgot. H will beat him to steal his heat one-week before Kane returns. Silly me. The H Effect H tells off Batista. It’s going to be a long night of nothing but H. Rhyno vs Coach The JR vs Coach match turned into this. But the amazing thing was, Coach got most of the offense in, and actually was beating up Rhyno at one point, before Rhyno got the fluke pin to win it. Just boggles the mind. Edge Well, he’s on track. He yells at some chicks, which I don’t like, but that’s just me. The survey idea was good. When he confronts Benoit later, after the H hoax (Oh, and nice yelling over their lines Ric and crew, thank you so much, bastards). But now what? Ignoring the battle Royal, which I am sure he won’t win, because H will beat everybody, there’s the next step to take. I do have a suggestion. -Edge and Trish. The next soap opera angle, brought to you by Wevv. -Start with Edge promo. Benoit got lucky. Benoit was beaten. Edge beat Benoit. Edge has proven that he should have a title shot. (I wonder if Edge speaking in the third person would work? At least for interviews) -Edge bumps into Trish. They exchange banter. -Lita and Trish – Lita says that Kane is coming back and he’d like to have a word with you, Trish. (Motive for Trish to team with Edge) -Mixed tag, where Edge and Trish team up to squash Vicki and Stevie (or whoever bumps Edge out of Rumble) -Trish and Edge make a good pair in Trish's eyes -Christian can try to speak with Edge, and after winning the IC belt, can call Edge a loser. -Trish comes up with plans to help Edge get his Title, the World Heavyweight Now, this is just an outline, and there are plenty of details, but the key events can take place over several weeks. Some variations can occur as well. I’d explain it in detail, but I don’t work for WWE, now do I? The main thing is, it gives Edge a strong partner in crime. He can face off against Christian, Tomko, Kane, Jericho, and still keep going for the big belt. It gives Trish a strong ally for when Kane returns. It also gives Trish some time to rest up, and figure out what’s wrong with her hand, without missing TV time. Batista again Anyone else notice that Batista was getting his arm bandaged when H confronted him after Jericho, only to lose the bandage when he was walking from the locker room? Anything to keep H strong. H’s Master Plan So, the whole thing with Batista was a hoax. That wiley H. Orton then comes out and says how smart H is. He fooled everyone. So, H then gets to beat up the whole locker room. Bah. I will admit that I didn’t see the swerve coming. I was enjoying Batista’s independence at last. So, when the swerve came, I wasn’t surprised. I was disappointed. It was going well, and then train wreck. Well, it was angle progression week. Lots of angle played off, yet little was set up long term. It was a fairly self-contained show, with the plan being nothing but H. But you know, I wonder. H has gotta know this non-stop pushing isn’t working well. I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t heard it all before. It’s not helping his career inside or outside of wrestling. In fact, I’d say it’s hurting. So why let it happen? He is the number 2 man in the company, and he is on the writing team. Is H’s ego really that fragile? It’s something I’ve been thinking about, and maybe next week, I’ll take a good look at it. Smackdown Recap Info provided by Chad ‘CMV1" Mathews Let’s just jump around. The show was good, and did a solid job of building for the PPV. Little Johnny was taken off TV this week, and that’s always a plus. Big Show The man is damn good. After he got past the required Gerwitz jokes, it was pretty good. He even plugged the ECW DVD. Well done Show. I did have a few ideas for jokes that don’t require Big Show’s eating habits. See, the jokes used weren’t that good. They imply that Show is fat, and that’s not a good thing to do. Big Show is a big guy. That’s a comedy goldmine right there, and there is no need to go for bathroom humor. A few examples: Eddie and RVD are talking backstage. Big Show enters. Big Show: Hey guys! You ready for our match tonight? You are? Great, let’s go get em! Big Show, Eddy and RVD leave the locker room. On the way out, Big Show hits his head on the top of the doorframe. He doesn’t get knocked out, but grabs his head in pain. Big Show: What, is this place built for midgets? Example 2: Big Show goes into Teddy’s office. Teddy: have a seat Big Show. Big Show looks at the small chair, and tries to fit his huge frame into it. He finally does. Teddy gives hi a pep talk. Teddy gets up to shake Big Show’s hand. Big Show tries to get out of the chair, but it’s stuck to him. He finally leaves, but the chair is still stuck to him. Big Show: Um, I’ll just have this sent back soon. Example 3: Amy is talking with Joy about a gift she got Big Show. A brand new JBL T-Shirt. She got an X-Tra X-Tra Large. She holds it up, and it’s huge. She gives it to Big Show. Big Show shows up later wearing the shirt, which barely fits him. Example 4: A kid is waiting backstage to meet his idol Big Show. He offers Big Show a coke. AS the kid turns to leave, Big Show throws his T-Shirt at the kid. The shirt is so big, it covers him. See, using Big Show’s size, which is a plus, is better than making fat jokes. It’s funny, but more importantly, it reinforces the fact that Big Show is a big guy, bigger than everybody. Hey, saying the guy is big is one thing, SHOWING the guy is big is another. Now, back to the bit. Joy did a great job. Glad to see she’s being used well. More Amy please. Now, if Luther had been invited to the ring by Big Show, that would have been much better. It would have been a good set up to a feud. Dawn Marie vs Miss Jackie You know what I don’t like about this set up? The fact that WWE likes to use real life situation as fodder for angles. I’d rather they just made up something than use the real life fact that Jackie and Charlie are engaged. That is something private and for all the bashing the net gets, we’re not the one making private matters public in front of millions. On TV every week. It’s too late now, but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I like seeing Dawn on TV, but come on, isn’t there something else she could be doing? Like manage some one to get revenge on Charlie for hurting her feelings, toying with her affections? Start a true drama angle? And please, not Big Goof # 457. Compassion for Heidenreich Stay The F off my TV. How’s that for compassionate? Oh, and good luck in your next career. Rene Dupree and Bob Holly It wasn’t a match, but the effects of Bob’s little episode could be seen on the poor French Kid. I read over the FAQ for both Hertz and Enterprise. You know what the penalty is for getting a speeding ticket? Zip. He may have had to pay an additional fee for having another driver. The cops just want to make sure the car isn’t stolen. The ticket doesn’t go to Bob. And as for Holly being a nice guy, and lending his car, how did Bob get to the next event? Hitchhike? Why didn’t he just set the kid up with a ride, instead of lending him his car, which is a bigger violation of the renter’s contract. The incident won’t even effect Bob’s driving record, since, TA-DA, Bob didn’t get the ticket. Rene did. Bob may have gotten a call, and gotten grilled, but that’s the whole of it. So, for getting a few calls, Bob beat the hell out of the kid. And I do mean beat. That’s unprofessional at it’s worst. And they fired Gail Kim and kept this goof? Kenzo, Just Plain Nuts Man, they just don’t know how to make a good chick feud. Kenzo has gotten better, but this is just not good. Only one thing can save this. Hiroko in a bikini or some lingerie. Make it so. Well, it was another plot development show, with some good moments. Kane’s House The Living room is filling up with guests. Kurt, Dave, Chris, and Bossman are sitting on the couch watching football. The doorbell rings, and Kane comes up form the basement at the same time Lita yells for him to answer the door. Lita is setting the table. Kane answers the door. Kane: Hi Mr. Booker, hey Rob, glad you could make it. Booker: Dog, don’t ever make me ride with the crazy fool again. Rob: Come on dude, I missed that lamppost by a mile. You wanted to get here in time for kick off didn’t you? WE made it so relax man. Booker: DOG! You took out a hedge man! And since when is driving through some one’s yard a shortcut? Rob: Dude, you think it’s easy making deliveries in 30 minutes or less? Booker: Whatever man. Here’s your turkey’s Kane. Only the best. That will be thirty bucks. Kane takes the turkey’s and just look at them. Booker and Rob enter the house, still arguing. Rob hi fives Kurt and Chris. Dave just glares. And flexes. Kane takes the turkey’s into the dining room. He sets the turkeys on the table. Kane: Wasn’t Bossman supposed to be helping you? Lita: I don’t know where he went. Probably going through my underwear drawer. Bastard. Kane: Oh, that Bossman. The doorbell rings again. Lita glares at Kane, who makes shushing motions and goes to answer the door. Before he leaves, he leans over to sniff Lita. Kane: Smells yummy… Kane runs off before Lita can whack him. Kane answers the door. Big Show: Hey Kane! I’m still in time right? You haven’t started eating yet have you? Kane: You’re in plenty of time. Come on in. Big Show enters, dressed in a formal bathrobe, and, fuzzy slippers. He stomps the snow off. Big Show:HEY GUYS! What’s the score? Kurt: 7 all. Damn Bears. Without the Krenzlator, they’re useless. And they started Thomas Jones. Chris: Dallas is going to kick their ass, and you know it Kurt. Kurt: I wouldn’t mind if they threw the ball to Keyshaun, but no, it’s that damn Julius Jones. He’s almost as bad as Thomas Jones. Hey Show, I thought you were bringing the pumpkin pie. You didn’t eat it did you? Big Show: Ha. Ha. Very funny Kurt. The group just cracks up. The doorbell rings again. A slightly puzzled Kane answers it. A man in a straight jacket is standing there. Kane: WHAT? Man: I’m John Heiden- Kane slams the door. The bell rings again. Kane answers it. John: I said, I’m John – Kane slams the door again. Kane just shakes his head. Kane: What is this neighborhood coming too? Lita: TIME TO EAT! EAT UP AND GET OUT! Kurt: Well, that’s one way to call everyone. Just then the doorbell rings again. The group piles into the dining room. Bossman comes running down the stairs, stuffing underwear into his pocket. Kane answers the door. Dining room The group shuffles for position. But soon, everyone has a place, and is chatting boisterously. Big Show looks around, and notices that Kane is missing. Big Show: Where’s Kane? Lita: How should I know where that Big Retard is? He probably got lost on his way to the dining room. Kane then enters, followed by a large man, wearing a long trenchcoat and a big hat. Kane:Guess who made it to Thanksgiving dinner! It’s my brother, The Undertaker! Lita looks horrified, as cautious greetings are exchanged. Kurt leans over to whisper to Big Show. Kurt: Did you know he had a brother? Big Show: I thought they abandoned the experiment after Kane was hatched. Undertaker takes a seat near Kane. Kane is smiling. Kane: Well, let’s get started! Booker: Shouldn’t we say grace first? Kane: Um, sure, why not. I think I’ll let the guest of honor say them. Undertaker stands up, and darkness gathers around him. The lights dim, and an eerie blue light fills the room. Undertaker raises his hands, and intones: Undertaker: Rest…In…Peace! He brings down his arms, and the lights come back on. In the middle of the table, the cooked turkey sits up. The party looks on horrified as the turkey starts stumbling across the table. Bossman suddenly leaps to his feet and pulls his nightstick. Bossman: No damn undead bird is going to ruin my Thanksgiving! Get it! Bossman jumps at the bird, but it dodges uncannily. With a growl of rage, Dave launches himself at the bird. The turkey dodges, but the table gives way. Suddenly everyone is scrambling after the bird. It’s a free for all. Chris leaps on the shuffling bird and slaps the Crossface on it. Chris: I got it! Kurt, use your Ankle-Lock on it! Slow it down! Kurt rushes over and then stands there looking at Chris squeezing the bird. Chris: What are you waiting for??? GET IT! Kurt: It doesn’t have any ankles! What am I supposed to do? Give it a Drumstick lock? Chris: Do something! It’s slipping free due to it’s juices! Booker: I told you fool! Only the best juiciest birds! I should have just brought some Hungryman Turkey Dinners! All those mashed potatoes, and five pounds of food! Dog, they’re the bomb! Bossman: Shut up and help! Rob: Look Out! Rob comes flying over the table and hits a frogsplash on Chris, but the turkey squirts free and shuffles off. Booker, Kurt, and Bossman run after it. Dave has gotten up. Dave: I’ll kill that bird! Rob: Dude, it’s already dead. Dave: Shut up! Rob helps Chris to his feet, and they run after it. Sounds of smashing and crashing can be heard. Big Show is still seated at the table, holding onto a bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, and the gravy boat. Lita has her head in her hands. Kane looks over at Undertaker. Kane: Just like Thanksgiving at home, huh bro? Undertaker: Yes. Only we had rat. Kane: Good times eh? Lita: Will you two shut UP! You ruined Thanksgiving Undertaker! Kane: Don’t worry honey, I’ll take care of it. Big Show: Hey, it’s not all ruined, I saved the stuffing and mashed potatoes, and gravy. Which smells really good. I think there’s a few unbroken plates at your feet. Could you pass me one? Kane: Come on brother, let’s show this bird why we’re called the Brothers of Destruction! Lita: I already know why you’re called that, you big freaks! Big Show: Now Lita, try some of this stuffing. It’s really good, I made it myself…. Kane and Undertaker walk into the living room, which is a mess. Dave has been throwing furniture, and has lifted up the couch and launches it at the turkey. It dodges. Dave is red in the face, his shirt is torn and his freaky veins are popping out all over. Kurt and Chris keep trying to slap submission moves on the turkey, while Booker offer unhelpful advice between laughing too hard for words. Bossman yells advice too, while stuffing his pockets full of Lita things. He sniffs a pair of panties from time to time, before trying to whack the turkey with his nightstick. Rob keep going for the high ground and launching himself, often hitting Kurt or Chris, and offering apologies like " Sorry dude". Booker sees Kane and Undertaker enter. He sees Kane lift his arms, and yells: Booker: Look out! Kane drops his arms and the turkey bursts into flames. When the smoke clears a faintly twitching blackened bird is left. Big Show enters behind Kane and taker, Lita in tow. Both are eating food from really big bowls. Big Show: See, the secret to making good mashed potatoes is to add just a bit of garlic, but not too much…did you get it Kane? Kane: I sure did. It’s going straight into the basement. That one’s a keeper. It’ll go good next to Muffy the Undead Raccoon. Remember that one honey? It was on our honeymoon. Lita: I blacked those times out. The therapist said it was probably better for me. Bossman is poking the blackened turkey with his nightstick. It twitches every now and then. Bossman: I like Cajun, but this is ridiculous. Hey Rob, how bout some pizzas? Rob: Good idea Bossman, let me call the store. The doorbell rings. Everyone freezes. Kane calmly goes over and opens it. Kane: WHAT? Man: Whoa big fella! Easy there! Man, you ever hear of shirts? They’re all the latest style I hear. Big Show: HEY ROCK! You made it! Did you bring it? Rock: Big Show! My man! When did the Rock ever go without pie? Big Show nudges Lita. Big Show: I asked Rock to bring the pie, since you can’t have Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie. Rock’s an expert on pie. Rock: Damn straight! But the Rock decided not to bring just any old pie. He decided not to bring pumpkin pie at all! NO! The Rock decided to bring his favorite kind of pie! Now, the Rock had to get a little help with this pie request, so he asked his good friend to help him out. HIT IT GODFATHER! Music comes from out of nowhere. A man dressed in flashy clothes and whirling a jeweled cane walks in the door. He stops tint he middle of the room, and stands on an unbroken ottoman. He raises his hands and calls forth in a lout voice: Godfather: Are you ready to climb aboard the HOOOOO TRAAAAIIINNN? A line of hot, scantily clad chicks come pouring through the door, as a disco ball descends from the ceiling, and strobe lights start going off. Even Dave is starting to get funky, growling less, and dancing more. Undertaker just stares, adjusts his hat, and turns to his brother. Undertaker: See you at Christmas With that, he walks to the door, while streamers of mist come pouring in. The now dancing crowd doesn’t seem to mind. Lita just stares in shock, then turns and heads back into the kitchen. Kane just shakes his head, and starts to straighten out the furniture. Bossman sidles over to Big Show, who is still eating his stuffing. Bossman: I bet you’re really disappointed that the Rock didn’t bring pumpkin pie aren’t you? Big Show: Nope, not at all. I’ll take poontang pie over pumpkin any day. Any day. Here, hold this, I feel like getting funky. Big Show shoves his bowl into Bossman’s hands, and joins the party. Well that’s it for today. My golf game still sucks, and then my modem conked out. Fucking spyware. I reinstalled, so it’s all good. But I’m really late. So I’ll just cut this short and make it up to you next week. There is time for some quick plugs however. THE MOVIE BAR – read reviews, talk movies, TV, and just about everything Lop Forums LOP Columns Forums Until Next Time, Thanks For Readin’ and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com *NEW GALLERY* AMAZING!! More Uncensored Kelly Kelly Bikini Photos! Very Rare!
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