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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, November 26, 2004 at 9:05 PM EST
Breaking The Seal It's the only way to cure that bittersweet turkey dirtnap and gravy hangover, The Turnbuckle Tailgate. You have stumbled upon the drunken musings of me, Dub-Z here at the wrestling capital of the Internet, Lords Of Pain dot Net. How was your Flag Day? Mine was splendid, time spent with family is always entertaining. Especially when you find out how truly dysfunctional they are. We are humans except for them people from Switzerland. They are way too peaceful making chocolate and watches not to be robots. Seriously, come on now. Let's move on, single file. The Black & Tan rolls in first directly after the opening piss break where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. Black & Tan will discuss a somewhat abstract topic. The world of sports entertainment is at a crossroads. Today's wrestling fan is perplexed by what they see as an audience. Sure, they cheer the good guys and boo the bad guys. Then there is the fan that will always cheer the bad guys because society is full of miscreants. New characters are created each week. The basis of reality has come to the forefront of sports entertainment yet wrestling is an escape so the absurd must still exist regardless of whether it makes sense. This seems like an age old argument where the two must co-exist, but let's try to make some sense out of it, without further ado...... Black - Reality There are very few wrestling characters that don't touch basis with the real world. Most wrestlers go by a first name and a last name with the attempt to get over with the audience simply based on who they are. Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Orlando Jordan, Rene Dupree, etc.. Sure they have some gimmickry going on with themselves, but it's all about the person behind the shenanigans. Can they be funny, can they wrestle their asses off, can the benchpress a Buick, can they relate to me? It's all about people being people with no ifs, ands or buts. John Cena is arguably the most popular WWE superstar currently because the target demographic of young buckaroos would like to emulate his persona and his microphone skills entertain them and just about everyone else in the crowd, even people that aren't fans of hip hop. So maybe it's a little more than just being yourself, but an extension of yourself. Tan - Fantasy There are very few characters nowadays that blur the line as much as old school Undertaker. Mordecai was about as successful as if I sawed off my foot, put a spell on it and get signed to a WWE contract. If it is too far out there, it won't get a reaction. You are taking a big risk when you try to escape the norm, but sometimes it works, but does it have staying power. Eugene works because he is likable and the fans can relate to him. Chris Jericho often times makes remarks that go over the heads of most people, but when he clowns around and goes for the gusto with name calling worthy of the schoolyard during recess, he has the crowd by the balls. Bartender's Choice - Fantasy or Reality? If I was the booker for a wrestling company, I wouldn't care about the fans, I'd care about my own interests. I'd create the greatest angle since the NWO/WCW East Coast/West Coast thing when I pit a bunch of raging booze brigade versus the morally crunk and punk non-alcoholic Straight Edge. Not only would every fan have an opinion on the matter, but it would teach life lessons on many parallels for both parents and kids. But the way to get the attention of the fans is to fuse fantasy and reality. It has to be a wee bit different, but it has to make a little bit of sense. So I guess this Black & Tan is what Nick Bakay would call a Push. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Chimay Red - Monday Night Raw Hooper's Hooch - Are You Ready For Some....Wrestling? Now the Internet loves to pick on the WWE, but they really hit one out of the park with the opening vignette on RAW last week. You could say at times they are out of touch with pop culture, but when the chips fall, they can really take advantage of current events. The whole Desparate Housewives/Monday Night Football/NBA Courtside Brawl spoof was well written. Great choices of Shelton Benjamin and Trish Stratus to play Terrell Owens and Nicolette Sheridan. Vince McMahon as the voice of reason/devil's advocate was clutch. McMahon plays the Bill Clintonesque lecherous leader so well. Benjamin could do commercials for the WWE, he reminded me of Mean Joe Greene's classic 'Have A Coke and Smile' ad from a Super Bowl of yesteryear. He could do the same thing for a Wrestlemania ad with a YJ Stinger. 1800 Tequila - On The Cusp Of Greatness? History in the WWE proves that if you write a book and it is promoted on TV by the company, said wrestler who wrote that literary work would have greater success after the book was released. Except for Edge, the perennial bridesmaid if you will. Always in the shadows with The Brood, his tag team with Christian, being on the outside just looking in on SmackDown then that injury that put him on the self after glaring at the horizon on Safeco Field at the Wrestlemania 19 Press Conference. All these years of frustration and rage, the potential that build the persona have they all been a bust. Edge has become the self-made Rodney Dangerfield. Edge is plagued by what he feels he deserves. Someone best get him Heidenreich's straight jacket, he's gonna need before all is said and done. Three Stooges Beer - Evolution Is A Mystery I applaud Evolution for their swerve last week. Usually you can see through acting, but they got me good and it's pretty good thing when you get a fellow that's been a fan of wrestling for 20 years. I would have loved to see Evolution split, but I'm glad to see them work together well in what seemed to be a great moment of despair. Batista showed me some versatility that I've been waiting to see out of him for like 2 years now and has quieted some of the doubters and the haters on his 'one-dimensional entertainment value'. Hynotiq - Asylum On All Fronts So Randy Orton is the GM next week on RAW and everyone on the RAW roster except for HHH, Batista and Ric Flair are drinking his proverbial Kool-Aid. A RAW wide battle royale for the World Heavyweight Title. Will everyone try to eliminate HHH or will Trips be able to counteract the strength in numbers? The inmates united running the asylum may very well backfire while they all have their eyes on the prize. For some superstars, this might be their only opportunity at the World Title outside of the Royal Rumble. Has Randy Orton created a monster with this epic match idea? He can't win the title while HHH is the champ, but if he finds a way to have HHH eliminated, he's is in the clear for a future shot at the World Title. Stay tuned, folks. Labatt Blue - Thursday Night SmackDown Brooklyn Double Chocolate Stout - A Charlie Brown, I Mean A Big Show Thanksgiving There's nothing more exciting than watching a big fat guy play with his food. Except when there's a broad dress to the nines waving her assets in your face right beside ya. It was a nice touch to have it in the middle of the show so all the announcers and such wouldn't be able to shower until the end of the show. I think the whole thing did the most for Luther Reigns even in an debasing effort. We knew a little bit about the guy, but by having him talk about himself for a period of time, we got to learn volumes about Reigns. This chap isn't a family man, you'll never see a sitcom about his life, people person he's a not. Skyy Vodka - The Luckiest Man In America? Charlie Haas probably took some good advice from Billy Kidman when it comes to meeting women ya work with. He's got women fighting over him and he doesn't even have to wrestle that often. He's got Miss Jackie and plenty of women possibly on the side. He's playing the ladies man that they should have done with Test about a year ago when he was with Stacy Keibler. I just hope they don't make Charlie about to be a prick. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet I love Teddy Long as a character, but I think he sucks more than leeches as SmackDown GM. It's time to replace him, SmackDown GM turns over more times than students at Flippy McGillicuddy's House Of Gymnastics. I think they could capitalize on the whole ECW DVD and have Tommy Dreamer become the new GM on WWE Blue. He could take the occasional bump if necessary. The fans love him, he's good on the stick, he'd play a great foil to the opposite type of character on WWE Red in Eric Bischoff. It's just the type of extreme measure that would work. Teddy Long should go back to managing and to that I say, holla 3 times. Armageddon just may eclipse Great American Bash as the worst PPV of the year. A four way match for the WWE Title rehashing all of JBL's championship feuds over the past 6 months. Plus 4 singles competitors all with different styles form two disjunct tag teams in a tag title matchup. I feel for Christian and his peeps. You'd think donning a hood would help boost his status. He needs to dump the weight in Tyson Tomko, The Problem Solver. Tomko has done nothing but be a waste of hoss for the CLB. I think it is time for him to go back to tag team wrestling again. I enjoy the irony of Eugene expanding upon his character by emulating more and more wrestling maneuvers from popular superstars of WWE past. I don't know who is more disliked in the United States; overweight people or Arab-Americans. People shouldn't be looked down upon because they are obese or they are of Arab descent. I'm glad that the WWE is trying to tackle these stereotypes in both humorous and serious manners. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy) Damn Turkey I wanted to discuss NWA-TNA here, but due to the Thanksgiving holiday, TNA Impact will not air on FSN until next Tuesday. So pretty much there will be two episodes of Impact in one week right before the PPV on that weekend on Sunday. I don't know about you, but I don't know how they are gonna build up a quality 3 hour PPV with only 4 hours of TV time to hype it. Half of their hour slots are hype anyway, the other half is divided into squash matches and other quality matches with 10 minute time limits. The steel cage match between AMW and XXX should be intrigiung. I'm interested to see how much Randy Savage has left in the proverbial tank, hopefully all the muscle enhancers haven't completely killed all of his brain cells. I enjoy the guy's work immensly, but you never know what time will do him. As for everything else, Kid Kash hitting Sonjay Dutt with a coconut doesn't interest me. The X Division match should be well put together, but we already know that Sabin can counter the Canadian Destroyer so that spoils the suspense if and when he does it again. I'm optimistic with the prospect of DDP and Raven locking horns and there's always big, bad Monty Brown. Damn turkey and college football, the BCS makes me sleepy so do all them college bowl games on my birthday, January 1st. That day used to be the day when the season ended, now it extends into the first week of January. Drown In Denouement Wow, two columns in the span of a week. That's big output for me, it's not easy writing about wrestling when you have to pump yourself up about the product. I love wrestling and will always love wrestling, but writing comes in waves. There will always be ideas, but not all of them are good ones. Hopefully I'll have some more for you, next week. Keep your fingers and your eyes crossed. Ladies, you don't need to keep them legs crossed, open up them Miami Vice Grips, act like it's the 1980s all over again where the hair be big. I got my Wishbone salad dressing, let's do lunch and dinner. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch and YEAH, WRESTLING (as I give the thumbs up in a drunken haze)...................... Send Feedback Here Walk with me, talk with me and all that good stuff. And if you can tell me how I can get one of them Gmail accounts, that would be splendid. LOP Forums Go on now and see what the fuss is all about. Get To Know The Real Me Hello, I am Johnny D., I am the man behind the mask of Dub-Z. I want to get to know my readers. I think I've met a couple of you, I reckon. Go there and introduce yourself to me. It'll be a wicked fun. Dub-Z's Journal I know someone out there has got one of these journal things. Leave me a comment or tell me your journal handle so I can read yours. That would be awesome and a beer would be scrumptelescent right now. *NEW GALLERY* Whoa Payton!! VERY HOT Modeling Shots of Payton Banks!
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