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Submitted by Dubzilla on Monday, November 22, 2004 at 11:02 AM EST
Breaking The Seal It's me, it's me, The Dub to the Z and I be representing for all the hardcore drinkers out there and I wave them from here to there, I hope that you are an OG mack not a wannabe player. Montell Jordan says it's time for the column that never says it's Last Call, The Turnbuckle Tailgate. Get your vomit buckets ready and grab your happy trees, I'm ready to bark on your lawn and give you the funniest wrestling banter you could ever imagine. Let's take it to the house. Small talk is fun, but semi-intelligent banter about pro wrestling is much better and that's what you came here for (at least that's what I was told when I first started reading and writing columns). I write the craziest column on wrestling on the Internet at the bare minimum at least every fortnight, I got things to get off my chest, shall we proceed? We start with the Black & Tan where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. The Black & Tan is all about TNA right now. It's the battle of the past and present as the veterans take on the new breed. Jarrett's crew versus everyone else who hasn't worn their stay or jock out in the wrestling business. Who's got game? Let's find out. Where was I, without further ado...... Black - The Kings Of Wrestling Well, you can't call them The Outsiders or The NWO in that matter, but out of habit, you still will. They are The Kings Of Wrestling. Kevin Nash, Scott Hall and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett runs the show in the HHH position of NWA-TNA yet Hall and Nash are 6 years past their prime. Despite the fact that a guy like Ric Flair can still tussle in his mid-50s, H and N have lost a step and the color in their respective hair. Can this trio take their wrath out on all comers in TNA. Will there be more members into the clubhouse known as The Kings Of Wrestling? Time wil tell, but for know they have TNA by the balls. Tan - The Future Right now, it is the old guard against The World in TNA. Orlando is buzzing about Hall and Nash, but it is guys like AJ Styles, Monty Brown and Jeff Hardy that make up the backbone of TNA. Not to mention Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt. Alex Shelley and many others who will carry NWA-TNA into the next couple of weeks. Will these smaller more diminutive fellows be able to carry the load for a fledling company on the cusp of bursting the WWE's collective bubble or will TNA buckle under the pressure of the company which dominates televised wrestling from the North? Bartender's Choice - Future or Kings? At the moment, the bottom line of the whole scenario is who will get the job done in 2004/2005. Right now, it is all about exposure in TNA. Who will garner all of the attention for the company that would like to compete with The WWE. My answer would be The Kings. Everyone knows them and The Kings will rock the wrestling landscape like they were born to do. The Future is looking bright, but they have light years before they make a complete impact in the world of wresting as we know it. They will relate to the common man eventually, but right now is not their moment unless they make it happen. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Smirnoff Vodka - Andre Agassi The tennis champ put it best in his commercial for Canon cameras when he said that "Image Is Everything". It is ironic that Amy Weber, Diva Search finalist and JBL's image consultant mirrored those sentiments on last week's SmackDown. Just hours before I watched SmackDown, I was eating dinner with a fellow wrestling fan who's a friend of mine. We were discussing the state of wrestling and the WWE. And we agreed that the sport of wrestling has changed. It is more about your look than your skill. Sure you need some skill because you can't just get by on your look unless you are Hulk Hogan, but he's the exception to the rule. But even Hogan had marginal skill that got the job done. Yet just like with our recently elected presidents, the smartest fellow doesn't always win, but the guy the people can relate to does. JBL has a bad image and he'll shall be exposed by Eddie Guerrero, Undertaker and Booker T, but you never know in these 4 way tangles. Does it really matter who gets the pinfall? You just don't want to get beat. Dewar's Scotch - Parker Lewis Can Lose Heidenreich seemed like the type of guy that gets served up shit for breakfast at the waffle house. He would eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast. Using the term "Charismatic Enigma" on Jeff Hardy may be a stretch, but Heidenreich is "The Enigma Machine". He's a powerhouse and making him all One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest meets Silence Of The Lambs is a stroke of genius. I've said it once, I'll say it again, Paul Heyman has a pretty good track record with big bulky giants in the ring. Heidenreich shouldn't become a bust if everything holds water. Sex On The Beach - Exhausting Potential? I'm glad that the WWE has decided to use some of the finalists from the Diva Search on RAW and SmackDown. Sure Maria is horrible as an interviewer, but give her some time to develop her skills. Rome wasn't built in a day and she's damn fine to look at. I'm questioning Joy as a massage therapist and Michelle as a personal trainer, but I'm sure there are plenty of double entendres that could be explored in both of those avenues. The pick of the litter has to be Amy as JBL's image consultant. The story of the year in the WWE has to be the rebirth of Bradshaw if you will as JBL. He's getting great gas mileage out of himself, OJ and now Amy Weber. He truly is The Cadillac Of The WWE. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet I hope that the John Cena and Carlito Caribbean Cool feud lasts forever because they'll have to show the clips from their first ever meeting on the October 7th edition of SmackDown over and over again. I was there in the 2nd row and I think I've seen myself on WWE TV 82 times in the last month, it's incredible. I look drunk as a skunk and I'm next to a Sharpie produced sign probably about the Boston Red Sox. I think I've been on WWE TV more than Shannon Moore and Tyson Tomko combined in a month. I think it pretty much an axiom that you will never look good in your Driver's License/any identification card Photo. The person taking the picture isn't from Kodak or Polaroid, they work for the Department Of Motor Vehicles or some other customer service job where they have been lost their will to smile because everyday folk naively ask them the same stupid questions over and over again. This is their revenge if they care. It's really sad, but tag team wrestling as we know it is dead in the WWE. It may have a glimmer of hope in TNA, but TNA has gotta get a decent cable time slot before they can make that statement. I harp for the good old days when the likes of The Midnight Express, The Road Warriors and The Steiner Brothers reigned supreme. Them days are over, pal. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). The Maven Effect Maven won the 1st Tough Enough. Unless you have a very short attention span and like to bark at cars, you have had that fact embedded in your brain and force fed down your throat like liver and onions. That's gross, I know, but I made my point. Maven has been in the WWE for 3 and a half years and what has he done except for open Sunday Night Heat. Sure, he eliminated The Undertaker from the Royal Rumble one year and he's had two World Heavyweight Title shots against HHH. Sure I love a fan favorite like Maven as much as the next guy, but even the dumbest fan who doesn't know how to work a keyboard and surf the Internet could have told you that HHH was gonna retain the title on Monday Night. Although the added intrigue of him joining Evolution possibly was a nice little plot twist. I normally don't like to bash wrestlers because I should have no right to because I'm not in the business, I just write a semi-shitty wrestling column on the Internet where nobody knows if I'm actually drunk or sober but Maven sucks. The guy might be developing the slightest tinge of charisma, but he's slovenly in the ring. Maven is the pretty much the first product of the reality TV craze on the WWE tip. When you let ordinary people think they have a shot of championship glory, it ends up biting you on the ass. I would be surprised if the winner of this current Tough Enough competition when all is said and done actually makes an impact in the WWE in a year's time. It's the curse of Tough Enough or what I like to call The Maven Effect. I know, it's a cheesy ripoff of The Raven Effect, but come on, it's Raven, you'd rip him off too if you could. Now I got an idea of how you could effectively use gimmicks in the WWE. Reality shows are the big thing on TV, The WWE is trying to cash in on the popularity of them with The Diva Search and Tough Enough. When you put dollar signs in front of people's eyes, you will always have an ethical dilemma of is the person in it for the cash or are they in it for their love of the game. You need the cash bait to get the desired effect of getting what should be the cream of the crop, but you'll end up getting some stinkers. Tough Enough attracts a whole bunch of muscle bound meatwads. The average fanis more entertained by big fat guys they can relate to than bodybuilders. So here's what you do. You effectively bridge the gap between The Simon System and Tough Enough and call it "That's My Hoss". There is only so much you can do with The Simon System and Simon Dean. Sure I'd chuckle for a decade if you kept having Simon make fun of fat people, but other people have already got sick of it calling those segments toilet or food/beverage breaks. Simon can only be a heel for so long until someone actually loses weight on his plan. Sure he could even swerve the ones that he has successfully helped and/or if it's a woman, seduce her then swerve her. But Simon could do some good and with "That's My Hoss", it would be a rousing success. It's like that dumb show "The Biggest Loser", but you actually pick funny and exciting people for the show. Overweight people usually have a good sense of humor due to it being a defense mechanism. They are so used to their poundage that they may not even care if you try to rip them a new asshole with a smart ass remark about their weight. So you have the fat guys compete and you eliminate them every couple of weeks because it may take months to effectively get these guys into lean mean muscle machines or cruiserweights with loose skin. Then you eventually pick a winner. This person will have charisma and the look, you've taken the time to train them and you don't have to thrust them into the spotlight, they are already there. You just hope that this new Buddy Rose doesn't end up blowing up again like other failed ideas such as The XFL or The WBF. Drown In Denouement That's all I got, bitches. Hope you enjoyed it or at least got a chuckle out of reading this. I apologize for the tardy nature of the column this time out, but I've been busy with the holiday of Thanksgiving coming up. It ain't easy being me, but I try to make it look somewhat difficult. I hope that made a little bit of sense, but at the same time, slightly confused you. The spirit of Johntoberfest lives on forever. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch and YEAH, WRESTLING (as I give the thumbs up in a drunken haze)...................... Send Feedback Here Walk with me, talk with me and all that good stuff. LOP Forums Go on now and see what the fuss is all about. Get To Know The Real Me Hello, I am Johnny D., I am the man behind the mask of Dub-Z. I want to get to know my readers. Go there and introduce yourself to me. It'll be a wicked fun. Dub-Z's Journal I know someone out there has got one of these journal things. Leave me a comment or tell me your journal handle so I can read yours. That would be awesome and a beer would be scrumptelescent right now. *NEW GALLERY* Hot RETRO Photos: WCW's Sexy NITRO GIRLS! Wow!
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