Wrestling in a Bottle: Booker T rules, Carlito sucks, and my exclusive Ric Flair Interview
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, October 30, 2004 at 10:58 PM EST





Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of the only column that's sweeter than Shoo Fly Pie, Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm Snapple. This week, there's not a whole lot I want to talk about. RAW has slowly been getting a bit worse, and Taboo Tuesday was horrible. I wasn't going to order it, but at the last second, I changed my mind and saw it. Boy did I regret it. I'm not even going to review it, because I'm choosing not to dwell on negative things for once. Instead, this week I want to look at one of the best things to happen on Smackdown! in ages. Later, I have an exclusive interview with the one and only Ric Flair.

What's YourStory?

These days, I always find something about Smackdown! to be negative about. Either Eddie is being buried, or a cruiserweight is getting buried, or the Undertaker is refusing to put anyone over in any fashion, or something of that fashion. Or how about how there was a four-month feud over the US title that was finally resolved at No Mercy, only for the winner to lose that title to a guy in his very first match two days later? Yes, there's much to bitch about, but there's one thing that made me feel like a giddy mark. That was watching Booker T get a push back into the world title picture.

Sure, Booker's credibility has been blown to shit. He jobbed cleanly to John Cena at least four times that I can remember, including three times on Pay-Per-View. All of this was over a midcard title, and now all of a sudden he's going after the world title. It doesn't seem kosher, but... it's Booker T. Booker deserves to be in the main event. Hell, when he came over from RAW, I said he was the best thing on Smackdown! It was Booker T losing to the Undertaker (essentially twice) that made me STOP watching Smackdown! until Kurt Angle came back. Now, in a move that seems completely unlike the treatment they've been giving to Booker in the past, he's the number one contender for the world title. I could not be more ecstatic.

One might say, Booker is in no better of a position to challenge for the title right now that Kane was when he challenged for the title. Kane was on a losing streak, too, but there are differences. Kane won his number one contendership match while he was unconscious. That didn't exactly make him look all that intimidating. Kane was going against a popular champion, while JBL is clearly a transitional champion. Not to mention that Booker is challenging for the title as a babyface, while Kane was a heel.

Sure, Booker wouldn't look like the strongest champion at first if he won, because JBL has no credibility at all. JBL hasn't pinned ANY of his contenders. The biggest singles win he has is over Rey Mysterio, yet he's been the champion for months and months. This still boggles my mind, but it wouldn't be hard to remedy. Give Booker the title, make him the face of Smackdown, and let him beat some contenders. Instant credibility. People will accept a push for Booker because they WANT it to happen. People accepted Eddie's push, because he worked his ass off, and people WANTED it to happen.

If there is a wrestling god, Booker T will get the title. I don't care how or why or when, but MAKE IT HAPPEN. I will get on my knees and kiss Vince McMahon's ass for letting it happen. Vince McMahon could make all the other matches at Survivor Series women's matches, or worse, Mark Henry matches, and I would still order, just because Booker has a chance to win the title. Yes, I could be unrealistically thinking, but I'm always realistically negative. Now I have a glimmer of hope, so I HAVE to believe Booker winning is possible. If anyone from the WWE is reading, please, make it happen. Do what the fans want for once.

Okay, that's my positive. Now I'll say one thing negative.

In the future, there will be a bandwagon starting, I'm sure. This is going to be the anti-Carlito bandwagon. Right now, it seems like many people LOVED Carlito Carribean Cool from the second he debuted, and I didn't get it. I still don't get it. Before this bandwagon starts, I want to make my position clear. Carlito Carribean Cool is a parasite to the wrestling world.

Triple-C, as he shall henceforth be known in a blatant comparison, represents everything wrong with wrestling these days. In an age where Ultimo Dragon has to job on Velocity because he "hasn't paid his dues," the hypocritical WWE bookers push other debuting rookies based on an image alone, guys like Heidenreich and Carlito. Heidenreich is a horrible wrestler, not over with the crowd, yet he already has a headline match against the Undertaker at a flagship PPV. There was talk of pushing Kenzo Suzuki into a world title feud with Chris Benoit, all of this despite not having any credibility in the WWE, nor testing his overness with the audience.

Carlito not only came in and took the US title in his first match, but he did so from an over champion who had been enbroiled in a four-month feud over said title just two days earlier, completely crapping on the entire feud in one fell swoop. As bad as that feud was, I don't think I have to explain how horrible of a booking move this was. When the US title was reinstated, there was a tournament of the best stars on Smackdown just for the RIGHT to fight for the title on PPV. Now, they build up John Cena like he's Goldberg, only for him to lose to a rookie.

Carlito is also proof that the WWE doesn't care who the fans care about. They didn't even have a chance to guage the crowd reactions and see if Carlito would be over enough for a title, because he wasn't around to even have a reaction. As it turns out, the crowd is absolutely DEAD during Carlito segments, and this is the champion.

John Cena is a terrible wrestler, and I stand by that, but at least he's over with the crowd. Carlito Carribean Cool is quite possibly an even WORSE wrestler than Cena. At first, I thought well, maybe his title-winning match was bad because the offense was all Cena, because it was a bad match. Then next week, he fought Rey Mysterio, who is a fantastic wrestler. In fact, he had a fantastic match just earlier that night. In fact, he was horrible even when he had a match where he was in control.

So, he's a bad wrestler. At least he's charismatic and really wows the audience with his promos, right? Oh yes. Those promos where he says a series of dry statements and interjects "That's not cool" about fifty times. It's really creative, I must say. Carlito's mic skills? Those aren't cool. Booker T getting a title shot? Now THAT's cool. See, I'm a regular Carlito myself.

What I see, is a horrible wrestler, with horrible mic skills, who gets dead reactions from the crowd, and got an undeserved championship. What DOES he have? Oh yes, he looks "cool." Well, forgive me if I don't like Carlito.

Ric Flair: A Wrestling in a Bottle Interview

This interview segment is being brought to you in the stead of "Ask Triple-H." Triple-H will be back next week to answer your letters.

Snapple: So tell me, Ric. How are you doing?

Flair: Well, lemme tell ya, Snapple. I am doing just fine, but you know who is doing even better? Triple-H. Nine-TAHM World Heavyweight Champ'yun.

Snapple: Well, that's... good. There's a story that Vince McMahon got in a...

Flair: WOOOOOO! Speaking of Triple-H, the guy is great. He's the greatest of all time. The only reason the ratings aren't -5.9 right now is because of that man. Ric Flair isn't shit compared to Triple-H.

Snapple: Alright, I hear you. If we can get to the story about Vince...

FFlair: Speaking of shit, everything Triple-H does is great. Once, he took a shit that smelled so fantastic, I had to box it up and hang it from my car mirror as an air-freshener. WOOOOOO!

Snapple: I GET IT! Well, the story is that Vince is mad about your comments about bleeding virgins on RAW. Do you think he was justified in chewing you out?

Flair: Virgins? Who said virgins? I love virgins! They like to bleed, just like I made Randy Orton bleed at Taboo Tuesday! WOOOOO!

Snapple: Well there were sponsors at the show, and McMahon felt you were too offensive for them.

Flair: McMahon? Oh, she was great. I remember this one tahm back in 1992 when I broke in Stephanie and made her bleed aaaaaaall niiiiiight looooong.

Snapple: Wait a minute. In 1992, Stephanie would've only been...

Flair: WOOOOOO! Space mountain! Lex Luger!

Snapple: Um...

Flair: Why yes I do have a side project going on, thank you for asking.

Snapple: Alright, what is it?

Flair: Everybody knows that in this day and age, you're not stylin' and profilin' unless you're down with MTV. That's why I'm making my own music video.

Snapple: I didn't know you could sing.

Flair: Sting?! He needs to learn he's playing with the big boys! I'm kicking him out of the Horsemen tomorrow. As I was saying, the song was written by myself and a young talented woman by the name of Avril Lavigne.

Snapple: Sounds lovely. What's it called?

Flair: It's called "N8ure Boi." It's about a wrestler who has sex with a bunch of skateboarding chicks with heavy eye-liner or something. I tell you, that Avril is one supple-looking female. I think I'll call her up tonight and make her bleed!

Snapple: I think that was more information that I needed to know, Ric.

Avril: Hey guys.

Snapple: Avril Lavigne? How the Hell did you get in my house?

Avril: I'm doing great, thanks for asking.

Snapple: I have a security system! What's going on?

Avril: Why yes, I WAS just about to play my new single.

Flair: Sing it, baby!

"He was a N8ure Boi
I said, 'See ya l8r, boi.'
He likes to bleed some virgin sluts

Best wrestler there ever was
But new fans don't know because
He only hangs off Hunter's nuuuuuuts!"

Snapple: Well, I think that's all for today. I'd like to thank my guest, Ric Flair, and the crazy woman who broke into my house, Avril Lavigne.

Avril: I'm PUNK!

Snapple: Sure you are, honey. And I'm the King of England.

Final Thought

My apologies for not having any columns as of late. I'm going to try to remedy that, but at the moment much of my enthusiasm in wrestling has diminished. My main interest is in Booker T, because I don't know what the Hell they're doing on RAW. I will say one thing though. That beatdown of Triple-H was fantastically entertaining. Take care, readers.

-Snapple

Send feedback to tasteless@gmail.com

Questions for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.








10/10 News: Huge WWE Return Revealed & Confirmed, Foley's First TNA Opponent, MAJOR WWE Changes Coming, MORE!!!

• Quick Links -
  [Back to LOP] [News Archives] [Results] [Columns] [Forums]