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Submitted by Dubzilla on Saturday, October 23, 2004 at 1:04 PM EST
Breaking The Seal Hey, how the hell are you? I'd say 'Hey Asshole!', but that would be offensive and get me kicked out of a family restaurant once again, it wouldn't be the first time. If you don't know me by now, that this is your opporunity to do so. This is the column where everyone knows your name and you're always glad you came just as long as you leave the mashed potatoes alone, The Turnbuckle Tailgate. I am the man with the hand of a frying pan tending bar, Dub-Z and I won't shut you off. Hell, we're gonna have an open bar. It's JOHNTOBERFEST in the heart of Johntober, the greatest month ever. I've drank 45 different beers and over 120 12 ounce servings of alcholic beverage (about half of them were different drinks). I can't get my ass over to Germany like the WWE so I'll settle for rocking the fine drinking establishments of the Greater Boston Area. I've had something to do every night and I finally have worthwhile interesting things to talk about in this section of my column. Usually when I tell you myself, I'm struggling to fill the paragraph with stuff that you'd actually be interested in. Yeah I like wrestling and I like to drink, but there is life outside of these passions of mine. The New England Patriots are undefeated and have won 20 straight American football (rest of the world soccer) games something that has never been done in history. Speaking of history, how about the Boston Red Sox baseball squadron playing all world baseball getting The World Series by defeating the arch rival New York Yankees in 7 games winning 4 straight games under the threat of elimination from the ALCS. David Ortiz hitting the shit out of the ball, Captain Courageous Curt Schilling pitching a great game with sutured tendons and a bloody sock, Derek Lowe coming out of the doghouse to pitch a gem in the deciding game on two days rest and my homeboy, my namesake (sort of), Johnny Damon waking up from hibernation to hit two home runs for 6 rbis in Game 7 in the Bronx. And you'd think with all this going on in my life, all the drama and ecstacy, you'd think I'd have little time for professional wrestling, but I'm insane. I write the craziest column on wrestling on the Internet at the bare minimum at least every fortnight, I got things to get off my chest, shall we proceed? We start with the Black & Tan where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. Black & Tan this time out shall be for the brother in you. Well all got a little hip hop in our bones regardless whether you claim to be metal for life, don't eat breakfast and shit nails and steaks. Hell, you wear a lot of black, subliminal envy, need I say more. With that being said, there are two black men that I have a great deal of respect for that have shined in this week in wrestling, let's talk shop about them, without further ado..... Black - Booker T Love him, hate him, he's the most well known 5 time, 5 time, 5 time WCW Champion. He tells you all the time and WCW has been dead for 3 years now. We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of the end of the Invasion. This man was one of the stars of the opposition to the WWF. Where has he been since? Tagging up with Goldust and Rob Van Dam and he's switched from RAW to SmackDown brands. Outside of The Undertaker and Kurt Angle (I might throw in Eddie Guerrero, John Cena and possibly RVD into the mix), he's the most well known superstar on SmackDown in a time where the wrestling audience is stagnant and/or dwindling depending on how you look at the sands of the hourglass. NFL players are waving the hand and doing the spinaroonie. It is natural now that he ended his pissy fit since joining SmackDown. It got him nowhere, he lost the pivotal Best Of 5 Series for the U.S. Title, but he's got bigger fish to fry. That being JBL, a man who thinks everyone should be his friend in a two faced sort of way so he can use them to up his approval rating. Rather ironic in a sense, don't ya think? Booker T doesn't approve and he'll do his damndest to become the WWE Heavyweight Champion Of The World. I smell a match at Survivor Series already, I think Cleveland is gonna dig that sucka! Tan - Shelton Benjamin Taboo Tuesday really got me to think about kayfabe. I'm sure some of the employees of the WWE were mad that fans had the option of determining the fate of the booking that night. But despite all that power that they wielded, the scope of their control was somewhat limited. Most of the matches were already booked by the WWE, we as the fans just choose the stipulations for the matches. But who is to say that the WWE didn't rig the results of the voting in some areas. They definitely tried to push the fans in certain directions when they had the opportunity to pick opponents to the title matches. Shelton Benjamin definitely benefited from this indeed. Yet he is fan friendly, people like him in general. Ever since he split up from his old Team Angle running buddy, Charlie Haas and joined RAW in the draft earlier this year, Benjamin has reaped the benefits of being a young upstart. It's nice to say that you've beat HHH a handful of times, that's something you can put on your resume and in your pipe and smoke. There you go, that's your stoner moment, go back to your Cool Ranch Doritos on your futon. The icing on the cake was on Tuesday night when he won the fan vote and he won the Intercontinental Title from the perennial bridesmaid on RAW, Chris Jericho. Y2J is the RVD of RAW, both men are extremely popular and will never get a fair shake with the World Title for long if at all, what's the point, they are already over without it, that's the way it is. Back to Shelton, will he be champ for long, it could all be over on Monday Night not even a week into his reign. I reckon he'll be going into Survivor Series with the gold. Bartender's Choice - Booker or Shelton? As much as I'm big on Shelton, hell the SmackDown before the draft when he was still a heel in that gauntlet series they had as the main event, I was the only one in the crowd screaming drunkly "It's All About The Benjamins, Baby", I'm going with the old timer here, Booker T. If he's on the downward from the climaxing action of his career and he's fading into denouement, I'll be damned is he doesn't get to bask in the glory of a World Title run. So here's to you, Booker, have a drink on me. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Presidente - Caribbean Coolio Carlito is our U.S. Champion, yeah what a role model he is. Spitting in the face of those who aren't cool. Apples are fine in dandy, hell apple picking is the cool thing to do if you don't like to drink like me. Orchards are full of families and honey bumpkins that wear granny panties, if that's your cup of tea, drink it up. I have no qualms with that, but what I do have a beef with is the lack of variety in the produce, Carlito. I need something, throw me a bone, a plum, cantaloupe, grapes, something dog. But I do like the guy, I just hope he doesn't get stale. For now, he's drawing heat from the fans and the gimmick is working. But time will tell if young Cool can stand the test of time. Sex On The Beach - Girls, Girls, Girls This is a public service announcement for all the haters of the Divas wrestling, Get Over It. They aren't going anywhere, sure you think that they take away quality wrestling time that could be used by a Chris Benoit or Eddie Guerrero, but the fact of the matter is that there's someone out there that eats that shit up with a spork. Unless you are a gay male (in that respect, you are have enough eye candy to boot and you can appreciate the male and female fashion sensibility), you enjoy watching the sexual nature of these women. Sure the wrestling may be second rate, but it's not like you are watching an actual sport. Just let them roll around on the mat, the women are the new midcard. Filler between the men's matches. They'll never get their fair due, they are like the middle relievers in baseball, they mop up the mess and protect the lead. All I am saying is give them a chance, I understand that some of you will piss on what I am saying. That's fine, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. Sublime - Tough Enough? I've heard it again and again from fellow fans, why is the million dollar Tough Enough competition taking up twenty valuable minutes of my Thursday Night wrestling show? I say why not, the show was mediocre at best to begin with. Now was it because they wanted to emphasize the Tough Enough. Hell, they spent a good ten minutes hyping it with little clip previews of what they would show later. I enjoyed watching the Tough Enough segment, I wish that they could air in half an hour segments on their own outside of SmackDown, but what can you do. I shed a tear, I'll admit it when Brian Danovich was cut and then found out he was gonna get a shot in OVW. That kid had some heart, it will be interesting to see if he makes it to the dance down the line. Speaking of which, where is Matt Capotelli? Are they waiting for Tough Enough to roll in to bring him up to SmackDown? I'm willing to give Tough Enough a chance as long it doesn't become the focal point of SmackDown. That would lead to some shitty wrestling, but it's a good thing Survivor Series is coming otherwise if it in a two month stretch where there was no SD PPV, that would be a shame. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet TNA is on its way to Victory Road, Impact still needs a better time slot. When I catch it sporadically, they are making strides, it's a better show now that they dropped the weekly PPVs. I know they need stars so they need to let Dusty and Larry to do a lot of stick work. They are bringing in the big guns for the PPV, Piper for The Pit. I'd order the show for that alone. Give me a three hour Piper's Pit and sign me up. Hall and Nash, Outsiders or is Jarrett telling the truth about them being on different sides of the fence? He's got more on his plate to be concerned with, a creature of habit named Jeff Hardy in a Ladder Match for the NWA Title. But it all comes down to the bread and butter of TNA, The X Division. There will be plenty of meat and potatoes to satisfy that desire on the PPV on November 7. Heidenreich in a straight jacket, I like the rationale there. Now only if he can start being Hannibal The Cannibal and eat Ray Liotta's brain, we'll be in business. Wresting is much better live than it is on TV in this day and age. Sure the crowds are smaller and not as hot, but when the product is in the midst of a lull, it's tough to pick it up. There is too much wrestling on TV, it's not going anywhere either because someone is watching all of those programs that the WWE puts out. I reckon some of the most loyal fans are outside the U.S. and they have to wait until the weekend to get heavily censored editions of the weekly programs. If they air the PPVs live, it's 3 in the morning in England when the show starts I reckon. That was just a random conglomeration of thoughts, just take it as it is. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Life Imitates Art One of the highlights of Johntoberfest has been attending King Richard's Faire (which I call King Dick Flair's because it just sounds better). If you don't know what King Dick's is, it's the medieval version of Disney World. It's a fair that tours around the country sort of like a bad ass carnival. They serve just about every food under the sun, everything is expensive (I don't care, I'm paying for the atmosphere), you can get shithouse drunk there (they have yards of beer and imiation mead (honey wine)) and there's all sorts of attractions, shows and little huts selling all sorts of cool stuff. The highlight of the whole experience is people go there whether they are part of the show or not and get dressed up in their medieval costume. It is quite the spectacle and it is hilarious and a lot of fun to look at these people in character. Nerdy dudes wearing a spiked dragon costume, broads who normally have low self-esteem feeling right at home in a gossamer dress with a corset and their ample bosoms popping out, etc.. I never smiled so much in my life, I smiled two minutes into the place waiting for my friends not even seeing more than the entrance. I felt like a kid in a candy store, I felt like a kid who discovers pro wrestling for the first time. Like pro wrestling, King Dick's isn't for everyone, but if you got an imagination, creativity a love for fantasy, people watching, old fashioned entertainment, any of these, you'll love King Dick's. I've had people tell me that they can't get into it, the faire atmosphere or the psyche of being a wrestling fan. I tell them to participate in activities like this with someone like myself that has a passion for them. They'll show you a good time. It's like converting people to drink the way I do during Johntoberfest. It's fun to see people put a smile on their face and say "Hey, I never tried that beer, but that was damn tasty." You're goddamnright it was. I thought that King Dick's would just be ok, but my friend was excited as can be about it. I would have enjoyed it regardless, but his passion and zeal that was almost child like enhanced the experience tenfold There was this one worker there, King Dick Weasel, a heckler who said that me and my friends understanding his sarcasm truly made the day that we spent there a good day in his eyes. Made me think that wrestling could run with a character like this. Sure they have Carlito spitting in the face of the uncool, but they could have a medieval character that heckles the modern day wrestler. He could get the jobbers over by claiming that they suck and they would proceed to kick his ass. I've suggested the Don Quixote like character before, the one that believes that he can stab a windmill with his sword because he believes that it's not a windmill. The closest thing we have to a quixotic character now is Chris Jericho's Y2J King Of The World. Christian would also be an excellent candidate to be the heckler also. I think it would be cool if they could pull something off like that, that's just the opinion of an absurd drunk, take it for what you will. Drown In Denouement That's all I got, bitches. Johntoberfest is winding down, but we still got some time to kill. Red Sox, Cardinals, World Series, what a way to end Johntober. It's gonna be bloody off the hook. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch...................... Send Feedback Here Walk with me, talk with me and all that good stuff. LOP Forums It's the place to be if you want to talk about anything from ice cream to one hit wonders, just go there already. It's not like I'm asking you to run an 8 minute mile, I know you got bad knees or asthma or adopted manatee or some ill fated overused excuse that refrains you from an accelerated pace. I know, my random tangents are over the top like Sylvester Stallone in a movie about an arm wrestling truck driver with a heart of gold. Get To Know The Real Me Hello, I am Johnny D., I am the man behind the mask of Dub-Z. I want to get to know my readers. Go there and introduce yourself to me. It'll be a blast. Dub-Z's Journal I know, there's not much there, but it will get bigger. If you've been reading this column for any amount of time, you know I have something to say that's probably mind boggling or maybe not. DIRECT LINK: The INSANE New Scott Hall VIDEOS from the Sheik Roast! MUST SEE!
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