AUGUST Column Of The Month: 'All About The Game'
Submitted by Stanman on Monday, September 27, 2004 at 10:17 PM EST





NOTE: The following column was the winner of the August Column Of The Month Contest held in the LOP Columns Forum @ LOPForums.com. Each month, the winner gets to have one of his/her columns posted on the LOP main page. This month we have the first-ever, three-time COTM winner YourAyatollah and his column, All About The Game. Send all feedback to YourAyatollah@webtv.net. Enjoy!



ALL ABOUT THE GAME: THE CURE


Hello, all and welcome back to AATG. Wasn't too long ago we were doing this here, was it? This is my third time to appear on the main page of LOP as the Column of the Month winner, something that's never been done by anyone else, which is something I'm rather proud of. First and foremost, I'd like to thank all of my Columns Forum brethren for putting me here. It was a close race for the August CotM, with myself and the great Xanman going at it until almost the last minute. If you don't already make a habit of doing so, I'd highly recommend heading to the CF for some of the best wrestling columns you'd find anywhere on the net. Oh, and Random's Nosebleed Section, too.


For the uninitiated, (where have you been?), my name is Steve, and I am Your Ayatollah. How do. This here column was supposed to feature the long-awaited, by Dubzilla, at least, main page debut of my "special" friend Wrestling Bryan. Alas, I haven't seen him in forever, and those columns tend to hinge upon the weird ass conversations we usually end up having about the sport of kings. Sorry, folks, but it looks like you'll just have to sit through my usual rambling on, as per usual. Maybe Bryan can finally get some main page glory next time I win CotM. [:)]


At any rate, here we are. Before I bust this mother open, though, I'd like to provide a Public Service Announcement. As some of you may know, I jockey the cash register at a gas station five nights a week. Thrilling work, to be sure, as anyone who's seen Clerks can attest to. It's a thankless job, one that comes with more pain in the ass customers than maybe any other line of work. Case in point, the other day this guy comes in looking to buy a lottery ticket. No problem, I sell 'em all the time. The gimmick with this was, though, that dude was asking for something I've never heard of. I tell him as much, and he gets all indignant. "I know you got 'em, I just bought one a few miles back," he said, raising his voice and looking at me as though I'd just said something about his mother and a dildo.


This goes back and forth seemingly forever, with him repeating the name of the mystery ticket and me literally pulling out every ticket we had to show him that it wasn't just some huge conspiracy against redneck Mack hat wearing motherfuckers. "I've been driving for more than a day, now, and I've stopped probably ten times along the way. This is the only place I've been to in that whole time that didn't have that ticket. This has got to be the biggest piece of @#%$ gas station in the entire state of Louisiana!". Something clicked about that time, as I gave this funny little man my very best "mean heavy-metal guy" look and said, simply, "This is Texas, bro. Please allow me to welcome you to the lovely Lone Star State, home of the Alamo." His response? A lowly muttered "Oh" before he simply turned and walked out. No "Thanks", no "Sorry for the hassle", nothing. So please, folks, when running from a hurricane and looking to hit it big on a dollar scratch off ticket, do my fellow register jocks a favor and make sure you're in the right fuckin' state.


With that having been said, how's about we get to some 'rasslin? I'm not that kind of cat who gets off on sitting around and figuring out how I could have done better than Vince and company on a given feud, gimmick, or whatever. Sure, I fantasy book with the best of 'em, but I've learned over the years not to think I can outdo Vinnie Mac. As Eric Bischoff, Paul Heyman, and plenty of other guys can tell you firsthand, it just ain't gonna happen. I am not, however, above making a few suggestions here and there as to how they could improve things a bit. Just little tweaks, all very easily attainable, that would make for a better overall show. Intrigued? Probably not, but keep reading anyways, hot dammit. This intro has gone on entirely long enough, so, without further ado...


TIME TO PLAY THE GAME


I'd say it's a pretty fair assessment that WWE is, currently, in pretty damn good shape. Not "Attitude" good shape, to be sure, but not half bad, either. However, there are a few guys in the company who could really use a bit of help, just to help them over the hump, and Your Ayatollah gots the cure for what ails 'em. As I said, I'm not pushing for any major changes, even though a few of those probably wouldn't hurt much, either, just small enhancements to the guys who need it.

For example, I think Batista could benefit greatly from watching some old tapes of my man Sid Vicious. Sure, the Master and Ruler of the World was no technical marvel, but neither is big Teesie. Take a few notes on how to be a devestating, badass bigman who says little, but is capable of making huge waves based on pure power, and Batista could be set for the rest of his career. On the opposite end of the spectrum, though, is Edge. Quite simply, somebody needs to sit Edgeward down and let him know, as gently as possible, that he's not a badass. He's tried really hard, I give him credit, but we just ain't buying it. Put those goofy glasses back on, start practicing the 5 second poses, and stop taking yourself so seriously. I get the picture, you're intense, now show me something else.


Much like my Edge example, there, I feel that most superstars' problems could be easily fixed by simply taking a look back. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for character progression, but some guys have taken it too far. Kurt Angle springs to mind. Anybody else remember the Kurty from a couple years ago, before he got his head shaved? He was every bit as good a ring technician as he is now, but was also one of the funniest, most entertaining members of the entire roster. Very few guys, as a rule, have ever been able to present themselves in a comical manner and still get over to any degree. Angle was one of them, maybe the ringleader. WWE, as a whole, has gotten more serious over the years, and I think bringing back the funny would bring back some of the fans who tuned in for more than ass whoopin' and ultra serious, life or death promos. Giving us back the Kurt Angle we all came to love and look forward to seeing every week would be a great first step in the right direction. Push the old over the top, "I'm better than you, but I'm still scared of you" attitude, lose Luther, as the old Kurt would never need any backup, and stop taking @#%$ so seriously. The Olympic training chicken suit would be a nice touch, too.


Some guys need only a platform to show off skills that many longtime fans may have forgotten, and new recruits never knew they had. Chris Jericho has been over as hell since his babyface turn of a few months back and is still considered one of the best in the business on the mic. Even the most ardent of Jerichoholics, which I just may be, can say it's anywhere near the level of popularity he had before his Undisputed Title win in December of 2001. Back then, Y2J was, arguably the most popular man in the company. Those who were watching back then surely remember those early matches with Rocky over the WCW title, when the "Y2J" chants drowned out even those for the People's Champ. Aside from his consistancy in the ring, the biggest part of this success was giving the man lots of mic time, something that we've seen fewer and fewer guys recieve over the last few years. This has hurt the midcard badly, as less time on the stick for them means little to no reaction to whatever feud they have going on, but My Ayatollah has been hurt more than anyone. Steps have been taken, recently, to remedy this, as we've seen Jericho cutting hilarious, crowd inciting promos that get both himself and his opponents more over with the crowd, and reminds us all of why we became Jerichoholics in the first place. Let the man go crazy, beat up some refs, and refuse to release the Walls like back in the day, and our Paragon of Virtue will be back on the World Title track in short order. @#%$, with the fans firmly behind him again, he might even get that elusive victory over Triple H. The biggest, darkest secret for all Jerichoholics is that we know he'll never be considered truly great until he knocks off the Game.


Unlike those mentioned above, young Randy Orton need not look too far back for his jumpstart. Think back, if you will, to this year's Backlash PPV, in which Orton battled Mick Foley in one of the most intense, brutal matches seen in a long, long time. Nobody who ever saw it will ever forget that fuckin' brutal thumbtack bump the Legend Killer took, in additon to the big stage bump and subsequent Cactus Jack elbow, all en route to putting the Hardcore Legend flat on his back for the three count. It was that night that my perception of Orton changed from considering him just another young, no dues paying kid who was getting a free ride because he was too blue chip to miss. In my mind, and apparently someone else's, that unexpectedly incredible performance was Randy's first step towards the World strap he'd win a few months later.


So why haven't we seen more of that? With all the talk of Orton not getting over well enough, along with the popular notion among casual fans that he simply can't take the Game, I'd say it's pretty obvious that something needs to be done to help a young brother out. If you haven't gathered as much already, Your Ayatollah thinks it's high time that Randy reminded everyone, especially Hunter, of just how hardcore he can be. Back in 2000, Trips earned his stripes by taking out Foley at his own game, something Orton has already accomplished, arguably in a more impressive fashion. In that Backlash car wreck, Orton showed a toughness and dedication to putting on the best show possible that set him apart from the crowd, only to be beaten down like any other jobber by Evolution when his time came. If you want people to take the kid seriously as a contender, it's as simple as resurrecting that barbed wire board, dusting off that bigass bag of thumbtacks, and giving The Game a beating the likes of which he hasn't seen since the McMahon/Helmsley Facgime was in place. Ah, @#%$ it, I just wanna see Randy take another sick, Hellraiser-esque tack plunge. Those things sticking out of his fingers was stomach churning, just the way I like it.


GAME OVER


Just a few minor suggestions, as I said up top, all very easily doable. Then again, I'm just a clerk who writes a wrestling column on the internet, what do I know? I could very well be completely off base here, maybe all SmackDown! needs to become watchable again is more of the ultra serious, "I never once wore a tiny cowboy hat or drove a moped to the ring" Kurt Angle. Tell Edge to keep up that intensity gimmick, keep anyone aside from Hunter or Bischoff off the mic, and leave Orton to get over on his stolen finisher,incredibly scripted interviews, and clever new methods of running away every week alone. I mean, hey, it's been working like gangbusters so far, right? Right?


Time now for Your Ayatollah's Album Pick of the Week. Seeing as how this is my big main page moment to shine, I figure that, like last time, I'd pull out the very best for the APotW. In my humble opinion, it doesn't get a whole lot better than the late, great Alice in Chains. While the band will likely be remembered mostly for the tragic downfall of their lead singer, and my muse, Layne Staley, the real lasting legacy of AiC is the music. Signs of strain were already beginning to show in 1995, when the band came together to produce their last studio album, the self titled Alice in Chains. Kicking off with the rolling thunder of Grind, this is the kind of record that most artists only dream about, with next track Brush Away coming in softly, but settling soon into that familiar AiC swing. Sludge Factory is vintage Staley, a unflinching look at the hellish world of heroin addiction that makes it clear why Layne was lost so prematurely. Heaven Beside You is a classic, just a beautifully written song that showed the amazing diversity of the band, with Head Creeps following right behind to prove that point even further. Staley steals the show from the heavy grind of Again, one of the best songs in the band's catalog, before slowing it down and stealing it again in Shame In You. God Am, So Close, and Nothin' Song are all choice cuts that showcase the amazing dynamic between Layne's voice and Jerry Cantrell's guitar, before two epic masterpieces end the album by showing everyone that that dynamic is possibly the most potent since Page/Plant. Frogs is one that defies description, a song you can lose yourself in, with Layne's voice making you feel every single word. The Cantrell sung Over Now is a fitting coda to both this incredible album and the band itself, as the Staley/Cantrell unit would only colaborate on a handful of songs before Layne fell in too deep. If you like bands like Staind and Godsmack, and you wonder where they got their inspiration, look no further than the mighty AiC. Alice in Chains, the band's last true album, is a showcase for why not only those bands, but plenty of others for years to come, will always fall short of doing it anywhere near as well. So go out now and get your copy of Alice in Chains, by the band of the same name, Your Ayatollah commands it. I promise you'll thank me for it.


Man, the Album Pick went long this time, eh? It's a special occasion, though, and about as good a pick as I'll ever make, so it's all gravy, baby. I hope you enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I invite you all again to join me in the Columns Forum on the LOP Message Board. Plenty of great columns that put this to shame, not to mention brand new AATG every week. You won't find that anywhere else, I'll guarantee it, and all for free, to boot. All feedback is more than welcome, encouraged, actually, and can be sent my way via the addy under my name, there. Don't be shy, even if you thought this sucked, as I'm sure you can't hit me with anything I haven't heard before. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, here, and here's hoping my big fourth win isn't just a shot in the dark, so we can maybe do this all again someday. Until we do meet again, wherever and whenever that may be, you guys take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, kids. Later.


-Steve
YourAyatollah@webtv.net








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