The Rant of the Week: Dead Babies = Ratings
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 at 6:19 AM EST







Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my often imitated and never duplicated Rant of the Week. As always I am coming to you from The Rotten Apple of New York City and I don’t know about you, but I miss the sweltering heat all ready. The left overs of Hurricane Ivan blew through the Northeast and the temperatures left with it. No matter though, I like the cold…I can just do with out the wind that this city gets. Anyone who has ever been in Manhattan when the wind is gusting up to 50 MPH understands what I mean.

But one thing that really annoys me is Spyware. This stuff is a plague on humanity and the production of it should really be considered an act of Cyber Terrorism. I got a nasty little piece of spyware the other day and it caused me to have to reinstall windows twice. All is more or less working right now, but never the less it’s a fucking pain to have to deal with this. I said it best in my Live Journal over the weekend. Make it a crime punishable by death to produce and distribute spyware. It’s like George Carlin said about Drug Trafficking. Star executing the white bankers who launder the drug money and you’ll see Drug trafficking stop pretty damn quickly. The same thing can be said for the scum who make Spyware and fuck up people’s computer’s. You think that’s a bit extreme? Well sometimes you have to make an example for the better good.

Ah well, enough about my personal misery…onto some happier news. The angle just wont die took a nice little turn this week as Lita was in a “medical facility” all thanks to the new Messiah of the IWC…Gene Snitsky. I swear on message boards up and down the net everyone is marking out for this guy. Tonight he got to do a promo and you I swear Vince must have had a 10 foot erection while he was doing it. The guy is big and yells when he’s talking normally. He’s a BAH GAWD HOSS and as we know if you’re a Hoss then you have a job for life in the WWE. Just look at A-Train.

So yeah we got to see Kane actually in a regular shirt and acting semi normal until that idiot Todd Grisham had to bring up Snitsky’s name. Why do they send Todd to do these interviews? It’s times like this that I miss Kevin Kelly. He at least showed emotion when he had to. Remember when Pillman was gonna shoot Austin? You could swear Kelly was about to piss his pants in fear of being caught in the crossfire. So yeah…Grisham is an idiot but Kane proved that tonight he deserves a freaking Emmy Nomination tonight. I mean only he could have pulled off this angle tonight. Now was it in bad taste to do a miscarriage? Meh…I guess. But since they like to call themselves a male soap opera then it was something that was needed. But the look on Lita’s face said it all tonight. If this wasn’t so stupid that could have been scene out of any number of Lifetime Movies.

But hey it could have been worse. I was personally hoping for an Abortion. I mean if she really loved Matt she would of killed the child that was…oh wait I forgot they went to a doctor that employed technology that not even The Japanese have that with 100% certainty said it was Kane’s kid. So much for that one…I mean if Vince wanted mainstream press look no further then that. But the only other way they could have gone was they go the full 9 months and the baby is stillborn. But that would be pretty fucked up to do and as much as we like to say Vince is Satan, even he must have a line of morality that he wouldn’t cross and I’m pretty sure that would be it.

So Lita loses the child and Kane is distraught. There are many ways they could go with this. Logic dictates that they will show Kane become compassionate towards her and love will blossom or something. It could be a Beauty and a Beast type deal (No Smart asses asking me which one is the Beauty and Which one is the Beast…Lita is hot…end of story). I mean it worked in the mid 80’s with Linda Hamilton and Ron Pearlmen.

Just imagine this same conversation with Lita and Kane down the road.

Vincent : Catherine, I don't know what will happen now.
Catherine: You must promise me one thing; that you'll share it with me. Whatever happens, whatever comes.
Vincent : Whatever happens, whatever comes...know that I love you.

Excuse me for a minute…

Phantom is seen reach for a tissue

Damn allergies…so yeah that could happen or what I think will happen and what I hope happens is we find out there is a legal loophole in the contract. Picture this…

We see Kane and Lita standing in the ring being interviewed by JR. Lita looks like a wreck when Kane pulls out the wedding contract

Kane: Yes JR this was a very tragic event. I so wanted my own child so that one day he or she could continue the tradition of destroying people. But Lita didn’t realize something when she signed this contract. She forgot to read the fine print.

Lita begins to look angry

JR: What fine print…this woman went through a hell that no one can wish upon her and I’m not talking about having your seed implanted in her.

Kane: Oh come on JR…She loved every minute of it…but you see the contract clearly states that if the baby is not brought to full term and is viable then the marriage is null and void.

JR: You son of a bitch…it didn’t say that…

Kane: Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the contract signed by her, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum". It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal. YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME A BABY. THE DEED WAS DONE SO I COULD HAVE AN HEIR. YOU COULDN’T DO THAT SO YOU LOSE, Good day sir.

JR: You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler. How could you do a thing like this, you ruin this poor woman’s life and then say she’s no longer any use to you? You're an inhuman monster.

Kane: I said good day.

Kane raises his arms and the pyro goes off and he leaves the ring as Lita stands motionless with the contract in her hands as RAW cuts to a commercial.

A point goes to anyone who can correctly guess what famous speech I ripped that bit off from.

So you can tell I’m gonna miss the trials and tribulations of the Kane and Lita saga. I mean as it is, Wevv Mang has been doing a hilarious look at their life as Suburban Newlyweds. So I’m very interested to see where this angle goes from here. Everyone can shit on it all they want, but it’s been good and if it wasn’t then we wouldn’t be talking about it at such length now would we.

Now something that has been talked at length over the weekend was the HEIDENRICH incident. Thanks to Valleyboy I am now referring to him as The Jolly Green Giant. So he kidnaps Michael Cole and then proceeds to virtually rape him. Now I’ve seen pretty much every episode of OZ and the big Aryan type fucking the little Jew looking guy up the ass was a common occurrence on the show. Now just because it worked on OZ doesn’t mean it will work on Smackdown. Ok so HEIDENRICH is supposed to be a psychopath. If you didn’t gather that by the way he beats up people then the poem he read to Michael Cole would of told you that.

I’ve always said that Vince McMahon has to be a closet homosexual. I mean he is the executive producer of all that we see with the WWE logo on it. He has to approve every last frame and piece of script before we see it. Now can you honestly tell me that a big man over powering a small man and pinning him against a wall and grinding against him is something the vast majority of viewers want to see? I’m all for Sport’s Entertainment…but it’s still Professional Wrestling for God’s sake. Where that has a place I would love to know. Seriously anyone from the WWE please e-mail or hit me up on AIM…I want to know the logic behind this one. Like I said, Vince must be the only one who enjoys this stuff. If you think about it, he’s always had a fetish for Big men and Small men. Back to the days of Andre The Giant towering over him to any number of Cruiserweight’s as cannon fodder for the HOSS of the Month.

Meh…what does it matter. Heidenrich sucks worse then Nathan Jones. He’ll get his little push and then he’ll be gone.

While I was in the middle of writing this column, I came across a link to the execution video of Eugene Armstrong and It completely threw off my chain of thought. I’ve seen all the beheading video’s to have come out because it’s always good to know your enemy and what they will do to you, but this one really got to me more so then the others. I mean you get that feeling of helplessness while watching, but I felt myself turn cold while watching it when this man had his screams muffled and there was this horrible gasping sound as he tried to breath. I thought the sound of The World Trade Center collapsing was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard, but after this morning the sound of Mr. Armstrong gasping for life is it.

It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are on the war. Who cares who is right and who is wrong. But everyone should say some sort of prayer for all the men who have been brutally killed simply for trying to provide a living to support their families.

Now you know me and I won’t leave on a down note. Over the weekend the news broke that Charlie Haas asked Miss Jackie to marry him. Over on The Wiener Board there were plenty of jokes about how poor Charlie doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into since we all remember how Jackie’s mom mentally tore her apart after the infamous hot tub scene on Tough Enough. That’s going to be his Mother in Law. One person said, “John Wayne Gacy had a mom like that”. The funny thing is being old fashion he asked her and her husband permission for their daughter’s hand in marriage.

Sure we can joke about it, but I seriously wish them happiness. Everyone deserves happiness and here’s a happy life together.

Speaking of a happy life, I caught MTV Cribs with Torrie Wilson the other morning on MTV (It’s not like they would be showing videos…or at least any good ones) and she showed her house that she and Billy Kidman own down in Florida. I must say it is quite the pad. I personally don’t like white since it’s way to bright of a color, but the white color worked well with the home. But after watching it I once again must say that Billy Kidman is the luckiest Son of a Bitch on the face of the earth. Who cares if he fucks up the shooting star press anytime he goes for the move…he gets to nail her every night. That my friends right there is the root of The American Dream and with that I am done.

Oh yeah...I almost forgot. Chris Jericho and his short hair.

I'll just say it right now. You can't be Metal with Short Hair.

It didn't work for Metallica and it wont work for you.

As always take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it DAMN well has to be me {S Bob Grant

Oh BTW Hyatte...It was me who wrote that e-mail you schmuck. So much for that mutual respect crap

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