Raw Report 8-23-2004
Submitted by Steven "Rommel" Schaeffer on Monday, August 23, 2004 at 11:09 PM EST





Last week on Raw, the vignette details, Evolution met some unnatural selection. It actually did not use those words, but I have been sitting on that anecdote for a week damnit! The standard opening follows, with the announcers hyping the fall-out of Randy Orton being destroyed by Evolution, Chris Jericho challenging Edge for the Intercontinental Title and the Wedding from hell. On a red carpeted ring the Coach introduces the six remaining Divas, in their bikinis, for the weekly elimination. Traci, the statuesque Nubian hopeful was given her walking papers. Coach had the girl’s assignment ready. Each girl would have not two, but five minutes to detail just how great the Coach is. Thank the maker; The People’s Champ interrupts that travesty before it can begin. Rocky gives Jonathon five seconds to vacate the ring, which he wisely uses. The Rock finds that he is in the ring with five very attractive women, and indicates how wet… with perspiration they are thanks to the hot lights. He talks about how great a job being a Raw Diva is, talking about Lillian’s old job working at a sperm bank. She was fired for drinking on the job. Rock introduces himself to Carmella, talking about how all the other girls hate her. He talks about how the Rock wasn’t liked when he first appeared, but he stuck it out and became the most electrifying man the world has ever seen. He asks her if she thinks she can do it and he answers for her. The Rock references the awful ice cream eating segment, and states no one wants to see pretty girls eat ice cream; they want to see them eat pie! Tajiri brings out a platter of pies, and the Rock gives each girl twenty seconds to eat the pie however they feel appropriate. Tajiri says his favorite type of pie is “Poontang.” Joy picks at her cherry pie, something I never expected to be typing while using my real name, while challenging Carmella to a fight. Amy licks her cream pie provocatively. Carmella spreads it over her body. Maria tries to lick her pie cream from her nose. Christy says her butt is hungry, and sits on her pie. The Coach returns then, with La Résistance in tow. Rock tells them to bring it, and they do. The tag champions overwhelm Rock and Tajiri – but Rhyno ran down to make the save. La Résistance was defeated handedly, leaving Coach alone in the ring. Coachman didn’t back down though, talking trash to all three men. The recently promoted High Chief Samoan ended that little display of bravado though, hitting a spine buster and the people’s elbow. Up next, The Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton would appear – or so we’re told!

Waking aimlessly backstage, Kane was carrying a suit bag while whistling “Here Comes the Bride.” The King mentions that he too thought the cameras were dark, so I am hereby excused for my stumbling with missing the tidbit of information prior to an update. An excellent video of Orton’s match, celebration and subsequent destruction is shown. In their locker room, ponders whether Orton will live up to an ultimatum they have set forth for him. In what looks like Bishoff’s office, Lita wait patiently for her role in the worst angle of all time. Kane came in, and told her he wanted her to wear what was in his suit bag – a white wedding dress. William Regal taking on Ric Flair was announced.

Last week, Edge watched as Evolution’s monster destroyed Chris Jericho. This week, the two squared off for the Intercontinental Championship. There was back and forth action to start, with Jericho getting the slight upper hand in the early goings. The announcers were quick to point out how personal this feud was becoming by the trash talk both men were spouting. Edge took a tumble to the outside, and was dazed as the match was interrupted by commercial.

The match returned, with the Intercontinental Champion in control with a headlock and a clubbing blow. Jericho quickly turned it back to his favor courtesy of a spinning heal kick. Hard chops from both men, but after an Irish whip Edge misses a counter kick when Chris baseball slides underneath. Jericho trips him up, and maintains control. Jericho hit a hurricanerana into a pinning combination, but Edge kicked out at two. Edge hits a counter of his own, which sets up the spear. Jericho dodges though, and the official is nearly crushed into the corner. Jericho goes for a tie up, but Edge turns into an odd pin where Jericho gets his foot on the ropes. The referee did not see it though, and the bell rings. Before he can call this one, however, the referee realizes what happened and order Edge to continue the match as he is leaving. At the time, I was eating the world’s largest gyro.

When the show returned, the match was back underway. Jericho seemed to be taking a fanatic pace to deliver his attacks on the Champion. In rapid succession the running enziguri and face plant bull dog were applied. The lionsault missed, but of course Jericho landed on his feet and countered the blind run with the swinging face plant. Edge retook control soon though with a take down (Yes, the move I refuse to call correctly) and the spear from the ring apron. Edge brings Chris back into the ring, and climbs the top rope. He attempts a flying cross body but Jericho rolls through. The Walls of Jericho were applied, and Edge made it to the ropes. Edge retook control, catching a flying cross body and planting him atop the top rope crotch first. The referee calls for the bell on Edge’s disqualification loss, with Edge spearing Edge immediately after the ring. The crowd boo’s the luchadore finish. I was now an eighth of the way through the world’s largest gyro.

It is the ten o’clock rating statistic, and Evolution enters to Hunter’s music. The announcers were unsure of what the ultimatum would be, but here was my guess. Give Ric the microphone, and have him tell Sting…err… Randy Orton to “Do the right thing, get outa this business!” Hunter tells the crowd he doesn’t believe in destiny, he believes in choices. Orton chose to not be a loser like his father and grandfather, but to roll with Evolution. The consequence of that was Randy Orton became one of the most successful athletes alive today. Mr. Phelps would disagree. Orton made another choice, Hunter exposes, one to not soften Benoit up for him like he should have. HHH tells him that he is at another crossroads. If he comes, gives Triple H the title, and lies down he can live another day. If not, Evolution will make him cease to be, like a parrot. The World Heavyweight Champion answers the call, with Evolution’s entrance music oddly. A referee comes so Randy can lie down – but he refuses to hand over the belt when Hunter grabs it. Pulling the Game close, Orton spits in his eye! Hunter becomes livid, and charges Randy, but eats the belt he wants so much. Orton flees in the crowd before Evolution can make him pay. After all that, about of the world’s largest gyro has been devoured.

Backstage Victoria argues with Bishoff over the ridiculousness of making Lita go through with the wedding. She is literately torn away by an irate Triple H, who shakes the GM like a rag doll over what just happened to him. The world’s largest gyro is not an Evolution fan. It likes Smackdown better.

Ric Flair of Evolution was taking on William Regal in a one on one contest that I would have sworn was announced as a tag match earlier. Eugene and Batista were in the appropriate corners. Collar and elbow tie ups to start, with Regal in control with neck vises. Flair gets in some stiff chops, taking the bruised William Regal to two corners. He show boated too much, allowing William to come back with European uppercuts. Flair resumed his chops, with Regal selling each one like he was shot. The match went outside; where one again Flair was too cocksure. He began to strut, and was body slammed on the mats. The match went to commercial and I polished off the first half of the world’s largest gyro.

When the match resumed, the referee was holding Regal off as Flair played possum. Eventually Ric used his false injury to seize the advantage with chops. When Regal hit the canvas, Flair began to stomp and drop knees on the black and blue eye. It was not enough, as Regal went on the offense every chance he got. He hit the slapjack style suplex, but when Regal went for the ropes Batista attacked from behind. Flair locked on the figure four leg lock. Ric was reaching for Batista to use as leverage. The official broke that up, but was busy arguing with the monster so that Eugene could come in (perhaps an inch behind the clueless official) and turn the submission over. Batista attacked Eugene, effectively nullifying one another and temporarily distracting the referee. The hold had been broken at this point, and both competitors were thinking the same thing. Each man had a pair of brass knuckles in their hands, but it was William Regal who struck first. When the official returned, Regal got the very first pin fall of the night. The wedding from hell was supposedly next.

Shawn Michaels is returning soon. He has a vignette! The world’s largest gyro that was eating was nearly finished, just in time for me to not pay attention to the Smackdown Rebound! Backstage, Coach introduced the WWE Diva contestants once more to the fans, telling how to vote for the ladies. In the office, Lita gauged how she looked in a wedding dress, before throwing a container, perhaps a glass, of water at her mirror. The mirror did not break. Kane looked very happy, walking around in his seven foot tall white tuxedo. The ring was revealed to have been transformed into a wedding chapel. Where is the rattlesnake?

The wedding was ready, with a midget as the ring bearer and another as the flower girl. The flower girl has a midget porn quality to her. Kane walked the aisle to a very creepy theme in his white tux. When the equally creepy wedding march was played, Lita came out wearing a black wedding dress. Kane looked pissed. Even the microphones were white, this is stupid. The pastor or whatever he was, introduced a man who had something to say – Eric Bishoff. Eric came out and read from the Bible. The pastor indicated that he could see the two had a unique relationship. To highlight this, Kane prepared a video of his angle with Lita. After the video, the pastor announced that the bridge and groom had written their own vows. Kane indicated that Lita was more than just the woman baring his child, but now his property. I greatly miss Katie Vick. Lita’s vows were of course, insults and promises of eternal love to Matt Hardy. The pastor skips ahead; asking if another objects. Trish Stratus enters, wearing a very hot white wedding lingerie set. She insults Lita up and down, until Lita attacks the women’s champion. Yes, this is a WWE wedding. Kane breaks it up and the pastor skips further ahead, with the “I do’s” coming. After Lita begrudgingly says it, Matt hardy attacked Kane from behind. Matt grabs Lita and the two make a break for it, but a wall of fire stops them. Kane gets up and choke slam’s Matt off the stage through some boards, and says “I do.” Kane carries a despondent Lita away to end the show. Oh lord this segment went on forever. I finished the world’s largest gyro!








*NEW GALLERY* BRAND NEW Pregnancy Photos of a BIG Stephanie McMahon!

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