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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, August 20, 2004 at 11:45 PM EST
Pardon Me While I Try To Collect My Thoughts Into A Bar Rag Howdy doody, say hello to the poop. Good, now that I have worn out my welcome by greeting the feces, I can proceed. It's Dubzilla serving up the ice cream flavored vanilla here to cool you down in this hot summer swelter with ye olde column, The Turnbuckle Tailgate. Fresh off a hangover that spent so much time in my stomach, it never even made it to my head. Lots of Jagr Bombs consumed during a crazy evening of Texas Hold'Em. I finished 8th out of 12 people in the 1st ever N Dubs Poker Showdown. I'm happy to say I lost with a full house. A set of kings was on the board after the river. A paired up 9s from the board and my hand, but lost to pocket hooks (Jacks). Then fast forward to about an hour ago where I win my buy-in back coming in 3rd out of 8 players in a game in some apartment in the city. The power went out after a hail storm occured so most of the tourney was played in the dark with only candles and a flashlight to light the way to victory. I'm satisfied with my poker play over the past 48 hours, I wouldn't change anything about my game play. Enough about me, let's talk shop about wrestling. If you didn't know by know, you better call your physician. Maybe they can explain the forces behind gravity. Oh wait, that's a physicist. We got so many letters in to choose from, why do words have to be so similar with different meanings. Why can't we just call them a doodlerippler or better yet a doctor. What kind of doctor? Dr. Scholls, wait that's a brand name of over the counter foot support products. All this confusion, no wonder non-English speakers have so much trouble learning English better yet some people who have spoken English for years still have trouble with it. I know, I know, I ramble, but you already knew that. That's why you are the greatest audience in the history of the World Wide Web. I'm sucking up to you, the reader, we can't have that, I need more booze, stat. We start with the Black & Tan where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. I was perusing the LOP Forums as I normally do every time I'm on the Internet. It's a great place to have banter with fellow wrestling fans, but sometimes you begin to realize how much of a wrestling geek you really are. A prime example of this is a wrestling version of the popular ESPN series Around The Horn. I'm participating in the current version of it with fellow forum members. There are many contestants and with that, I feel as if the answers to the questions become redundant. How can you find a way to say something that has already been said 8 times? Do you disagree with the popular opinion even if you espouse it, just so that you can something different? Often times, I'll argue the converse side of the coin on a topic that can only be answered in two different ways. That is until a recent round of Buy or Sell. If you aren't familiar with the game, you are presented with a statement and you either agree (buy) or disagree (sell). Two of the statements were Chris Jericho is underrated and AJ Styles is overrated. In the game, I'm supposed to take a side, but I chose not to because I believe both men in general are rated just right neither underrated nor overrated. As you know, it's usually tough to make a choice in the Black & Tan, but I'm gonna do it my way and discuss two of the more popular wrestlers in the today's wrestling climate. Without further ado..... Black - AJ Styles The big beef that some have with him is that he isn't living up to the hype built up around him. Outside of Jeff Jarrett, he is the centerpiece of TNA. AJ is the guy the company revolves around. That's a big weight to carry on your shoulders. There's no denying he's a great athlete in tremendous shape. He's young, crafty and innovative in his style. He's making some good income on the independent scene. No matter what this guy does, he's always gonna be under that microscope. At his size and stature, he will always be looking up at that barometer that his critics have set so high. AJ is the master of his own destiny, he'll dictate his own future and it shall be bright barring paralysis. Tan - Chris Jericho Y2J, the man in the ring, the man on the mic, the man in our heart of hearts. He's a multi-tool wrestler, he's got so many tools, Craftsmen doesn't make a tool box big enough to fit all of Jericho's tool. He has to get it on special order. Yet some people wonder why he isn't a main event mainstay on Monday Night RAW. Jericho has done it all yet his only World Title reign was nearly two and a half years ago right before brand extension. Jericho is a consistent performer in the WWE who stays healthy on the most part. Maybe that's it, sustaining an injury and take some time off. It seems to work for just about every other WWE superstar. The big comeback always makes for a great story and that's my ultimate solution for Y2J. Bartender's Choice - AJ or Y2J? Basically what it comes down to is two guys that pretty much play a similar role in their respective feds politically and physically. Both are considered their company's unrecognized MVPs. Both walk that fine line of greatness that divides too great and not great enough. They will never achieve complete satisfaction in their careers until they've finished outdoing their own greatest accomplishments and retire wrestling for good. But I choose AJ over Y2J simply for a superficial reason unrelated to rational thought because I like both of these guys immensely. Jericho is a blond and that seems to be the theme for eliminating contestants from the quarter mil RAW Diva Search, get rid of all the blondes first. I know it's a stupid reason, it may even be a cop out, but have you seen that movie Cop And A Half? That kid eventually has to hit puberty, there's no avoiding that like I'm avoiding the Aunt Millie's tuna casserole. It's blue, that just ain't right. The only guy that'll even eat that for leftovers is Eddie from the National Lampoon Vacation series of films and he's a work of fiction just like most of this column. Yeah all that and Jericho was the subject of MONTY HALL in my last column so that's the way you combine the cookie with the nookie as long as you keep it all away from your bookie. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Miller High Life Light - There's No Such Thing As A Free Free Fall It happened, Evolution, The Beatles of WWE RAW have lost a member. I thought I was seeing things as I often do when I drink absinthe, but it happened. Randy Orton actually won the World Heavyweight Title and got Siskeled by HHH, Batista and Flair. Yeah, I used a proper name of a dead man to substitute the meaning of an insertable negatively connotative verb, RIP Gene. I asked y'all readers in the last edition of the Turnbuckle Tailgate to offer your thoughts on the possibly of Evolution splitting up in some fashion. I learned that people respond better when you ask them questions instead of polling them like I did with my mediocre attempt at the Wrasslin' Beverage Survey. Here's what I found out from those that responded (I'll just sum it up in my next paragraph). Love him or hate him, HHH gets a reaction and your attention. "The Lukester" eloquently compared HHH to a hot chick with huge melons, an awesome ass, a killer smile, etc. (the total package) but the kicker is she's got a big ol' mustache. One responder called HHH out on being a little bit huskier lately. People mentioned the internal power struggle between Evolution's role players. Amongst popular possible replacements to departing members included Eugene, Edge and Ernie Ladd. Most importantly, there is much love out there for my boy, Batista. What can I conclude from all of this? I love hearing from you, feedback is dynomite and I am a less successful 24 year old than Randy Orton, but I've got a better sense of humor than that milk drinker. Chimay Red - Love Arrowhead Style So Kane is the daddy of Lita's unborn child. So Lita has to marry Kane because Matt Hardy lost at SummerSlam. The WWE can rest assured that the crowd will not impact the wedding what so ever. The wedding will be held at RAW in Anaheim at The Duck Pond. Arrowhead Pond is the equivalent of a live wrestling audience Death Valley. Going from Canada where heels are faces and faces are heels and Shawn Michaels will always be a bastard to Anaheim where the weather is nice and them OC Valley Gals are naive and pretty, RAW will be peaceful. I got more to say about the audience in MONTY HALL later on in the column stick around for that or you'll upset Tony Danza because Who's The Boss will be back in a moment. How long that moment is, don't ask me, ask Mona she's got nothing better to do. I can't wait to see another bizarre moment in sports entertainment. Remember the last time there was a wedding ceremony. That's right, Billy and Chuck and you know how that all went down. Easy E showed us that he's got some range in his acting skills when he impersonated a scary old justice of the peace in full regalia. Speaking of things that entertain me go check out the latest edition of Ridin' With The Bossman by Wevv Mang. If you thought his Wevv's House segments where hilarious, Wevv has broken new ground with Kane's House. All I know is that if Kane is evil and that Julius Smokes claims to be the devil's son-in-law. What does that all mean? Smokes must have been married to the devil's daughter at one time and he may be on Kane's family tree. They could be brothers from another mother, that would be smashing. Mind Eraser - Money Walks, Bullshit Talks Memo to the WWE, stop trying to create mainstream publicity by throwing all sorts of money at experimental activity that can be easily mismanaged. The WBF, The XFL, The Diva Search, now another edition of Tough Enough. This time, you've upped the ante by offering the winner $1,000,000. So who'll be the next Maven, but not only will this person be the next Shaniqua, but they'll be "The Million Dollar Maniac". Screw Jamie Noble's inheritance angle from a way's back, you've got an instant angle. Another season of Tough Enough, this time put in little bit sized chunks on SmackDown this fall. Are the "fans" COUGH yeah right COUGH gonna get to vote out the contestants each week. Are veteran superstars gonna haze the contestants every week on the show as an initiation to the WWE fraternal family. The question always arises about these people not paying their dues. Well, that's capitalism for ya, the American dream, life isn't fair, the band on Peter Griffin's briefs is not in mint condition. Get ready because pretty soon, we'll not only be jealous of Carmella or one of four other hot chicks or Tracie, but we'll be jealous of the next big bust in the WWE, The Stamford Hillbilly. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet So cruiserweight tag teams are in vogue on SmackDown. So Rhyno and Tajiri are arguably the best active tag team on RAW (Molly and Gail Kim have lost a step since Molly got the uber dyke Dippity Do hairstyle). I'm just waiting for the formulaic white guy and black guy tag team to come along and steal their thunder. At least TNA has got Triple X to fill that void. When JBL heals, he'll probably team with his chief of staff, Orlando Jordan when he's not defending the WWE Title. Is anyone else getting bored with the hackneyed 12 minute Eddie Guerrero promo in the middle of the ring? I got nothing else to say on this matter but that. August 28th is rapidly approaching, another chance to see Ring Of Honor live in my area and I'm loving it. I'll get to see a steel cage match in person for the very first time in my life when Scramble Cage Melee goes down. A cage with platforms on top for diving aerial high spots, I can feel the danger increase as the days get closer. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Admit Us To The Mental Hospital My original plan for this segment has been slightly altered since SummerSlam went down in Toronto last Sunday evening. SummerSlam was the third PPV this year I got to see in real time (the other two being quite possibly the best and worst of the year, Wrestlemania 20 and The Great American Bash). SummerSlam definitely caused controversy and got more attention for the way the crowd acted than the way the wrestlers did. You know the drill, you hear it in every wrestling column, forum and show recap every time the WWE goes to Canada. Canada is a powderkeg, a child with Tourette's syndrome, a firecracker, a paradox, the list of metaphors could stretch for decades. Like the Weird Al Yankovic song title so fittingly shrieks "Everything You Know Is Wrong", that's the way shit goes down when the WWE brings its show to The Great White North. It is as if Canada is some crazy parallel universe where quantum physics (don't worry I won't discuss what you think I'm gonna discuss again) reigns supreme. The lights go on, the show begins and the photons begin to permutate quicker than instant potatoes. So it should come to no surprise that the fans defied logic by booing faces, cheering heels and reacting in an odd bizarre manner to most things that they saw. Now it got me to think about being a fan. Does it really matter how I react to the wrestling product? Yes and no, I'll try to explain. I don't have a problem with the Canadian fans doing their thing. If they think it makes them great fans and cool, that's their prerogative. They brought back Hulkamania, they provide the WWE with a lot of revenue to put out their product, they paid for their ticket, they can do what they want that is legal or illegal as long as they don't get caught by the long arm of the law. My only beef was with The Wave, the most pathetic imitation of the ocean ever done by humans. I should know, I used to be a proponent of The Wave and I know all about the wave, I'm in Boston Red Sox country, Fenway Park is the only ballpark in MLB that has fans that still do that stupid convention on a regular basis. Not only does it get old, repetitive and tiring to the body, but it takes aways from the main attraction that you paid to see in the first place. Back to my initial thought, please and thank you. Reacting to wrestling, the hypocrisy of fandom is rarely mentioned in this respect. You can go all over the Internet and hear about fans bitching about so-call wrestlers that they hate yet these are the same people that go to a show and cheer the ones that they lambaste as a ghost writer. Sure, you are nameless and faceless on the 'Net, but be consistent. My opinion about certain wrestlers may change like the color of fallen autumn leaves, but then again the same can be said of the status of a wrestler (face, heel, tweener). But that's natural, the excuse that is often used to defend the hypocrisy in my opinion is unnatural. You aren't supposed to rock the boat, you are supposed to cheer the face and boo the heel. If you did everything you heard, you experienced or you were told, you would have joined the armed service, jumped off a bridge and you wouldn't have eaten the paste. You are a fan, you have the right to like what you want and hate what you want, it's your opinion. If many people share it regardless of whether it is intentional or not, there's not much that can be done about it. The only person to implement change is yourself. I sound so cliched, I know, I know, I don't know. If I don't like Scotty 2 Hotty, I'm not gonna cheer him live or in the privacy of my own home. If I hate La Resistance, I'm not gonna boo him, I'm not gonna say anything, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, get a snack, change the channel, sew myself a pair of overalls, repair an Easy Bake Oven, fart on command and on demand karaoke style TV theme songs. Silence is golden, but shit stains are usually doo doo brown. You can quote me on that one and take my word for it. As for the WWE, what are they to do with them pesky Canadians? Stop visiting Canada all together, have HBK jump out of a cardboard cake and perfom vaudeville, play into their sick fanboy and fangirl fetishes, do the hokey pokey with Smokey The Bear or ignore the irreverent assclown in the 3rd row with the "2" sign. Wrestling is fixed, but unpredictability is exciting, change is also good. Drown In Denouement Number Eighty in the books, folks. I can't believe I've written this column that many times. I amaze myself on occasion. Football season is starting again, as much as I love my World Champion New England Patriots and the NFL, I'll take Jim Ross over John Madden on Monday Nights this fall. Speaking of color commentary, I know Jerry Lawler is hot topic of conversation in this regards. Some love his perverted nature, others want his head on shish kabob skewer and his body on rotisserie spit. I'm asking you this: What's your general opinion(s) about Jerry Lawler as a color commentator on RAW? Should he fired by the WWE? Would his replacement be suitable if he got fired? What wrestler would make a good replacement for The King if he was to be out of that role on RAW? You can be as specific or as vague you want. Hopefully I will be able to sort out your responses and make some sense of this unless information. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch...................... Send Feedback Here I enjoy hearing from you, regardless LOP Forums It's back and better than ever. Go check out the Creative Writing Forum. I wrote a comedy piece of sorts called "Dub-Z Goes Bananas: Go Fish" Also go check out the Columns Forum for some more reading material outside of the ten fine columns here on Lords Of Pain dot Net. Yeah and go find out what Project Random is all about. Yes, RandomGuy#5, I support Project Random. The Medieval Manor Fiasco Some friends of mine where inspired by the infamous Tucker Max and his night out with a portable Breathalyzer machine. If you don't know about Tucker Max, go visit his website. He has some great stories about drunken debauchery. While you are at the site with this story, hang out and play in the expansive arcade.
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