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Submitted by Wevv Mang on Wednesday, August 18, 2004 at 11:30 PM EST
RWTB – Wevv Week – Who’s House? Greetings! Welcome to the next installment of Wevv Week. I recently decided to close down the Wevv’s House segment. It wasn’t as hard as might be thought. Sure they were fun to write. But one day, I suddenly realized that I was suffering from Vince Russo syndrome. At first, I never appeared in the segment. Then I popped in from time to time. Next thing you know I’m there every week. I woke up one night and screamed " Vince Russo is ME!". That’s when I knew that it was time for a change. The bits had run their course, and it was time for something new. WWE provided the answer, as they always do. Like Bossman and Big Show before, it takes a really horrible angle to bring out the best in me. I’ve had one guy on my radar for quite some time now. But it was only recently that he crossed over form "potential" cheese King to "Full Blown Cheddar". It’s not dragging a casket through a cemetery, which you can see here: Bossman at His Best It’s not feeding a pet to it’s owner. But it’s right up there. It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back and the nail in the coffin (pun fully intended). It’s a wedding. And a pregnancy. It’s nine months of sheer torture, that if you don’t find something to laugh about it, it will drive you nuts. I’m here to help. I, Wevv Mang, proudly present to you: KANE’S HOUSE It’s a quiet day in the neighborhood. Yet there’s something different. The house with the "For Sale" sign has a moving truck in front of it. Movers are busy loading furniture into the house. A large man walks down the sidewalk in his bathrobe. Paper under his arm and bunny slippers on his feet. From the other side of the house, another man walks down the sidewalk. Paper under his arm, cup of coffee in his hand. His bathrobe is more tattered. From across the street, another man carefully makes his way across the road to join the other two. JR: Morning folks. Looks like we got ourselves a new neighbor. Big Show: Yep. Truck pulled in early this morning and those guys are busting ass. I’ve never seen teamsters work so fast before. Bossman: You got that right. Something sure lit a fire under their ass. Anyone got any info on the new people moving in? JR: Well as block captain, it’s my duty to get informed on these things, and as such, I must respect the privacy of the new owners if they decided to not announce their presence. Bossman: In other words you know jack. Don’t ya JR, you don’t know squat! Big Show: You’ve been waiting a long time to say that haven’t you BM? Bossman: Shut up Big Show! JR: Now, fellas, let’s behave here. I’m sure we’ll get a chance to meet our new neighbors shortly. The group breaks up, with many backward glances. Later that day… A hearse pulls up to the house, long after the movers are gone. A tall bald man, and a red headed lady get out of the car. Squabbling. They walk together up to the doorway. The tall man tries to pick up the woman, but she’s fighting him. He eventually yells at her, and then scoops her up and carries her across the threshold. JR comes out of his house, carrying a covered dish. He makes his way carefully across the street. He waves to Big Show who has come out to water his hedges, and to Bossman who has come out to stand on his lawn and watch he scene unfold. JR knocks on the door. Raised voices can be heard from inside. But no one answers the door. JR rings the bell again. More yelling can be heard. JR looks over to Big Show, who just shrugs. He looks over to Bossman who just laughs and points. JR tries knocking. Woman: KANE! Will you get the door! Kane: I told you Lita, I’ll get the door in a SECOND! I’ll choose when to answer the door! Lita: GET THE DOOR KANE! Kane: Fine! I’ll get the door! Kane answers the door. He’s wearing pants, but no shirt. He looms over JR, who cowers back onto the sidewalk. Kane: WHAT?!? JR: Howdy neighbor! I’m …I’m JR, you block captain, and I’d just like to say, welcome to the neighborhood. I brought you a housewarming gift. It’s a tuna casserole. Kane: Did you say tuna? When I was a young boy, growing up in my father’s basement, he used to feed me fish head and guts. He told me it was tuna, but he LIED! HE WAS ALWAYS LYING! I….HATE…..TUNA! JR is trembling in fear as Kane raises his arms out to the side. He brings them down in a quick motion and JR bursts into flames. The casserole clatters to the ground, remarkably staying intact. JR runs around in a circle, flames engulfing him. Bossman laughs his ass off. Big Show runs over and tries to put JR out with his hose. Kane smiles. He bends down to pick up the casserole. He scoops some out with his fingers and eats it. Kane: Not bad. He turns and goes inside. Bossman is rolling around in his yard, having trouble breathing from laughing too hard. Big Show has managed to put JR out. He just shakes his head. Later…. Bossman and Big Show (Still in his bathrobe) are standing in front of Kane's door. Each has a gift in their hands. Big Show: I’m not sure this is a good idea. Bossman: Anyone who lights JR on fire, is OK with me. I just wish I had thought of it years ago. Big Show: Come on Bossman, do you really want to go into a guy’s house who lights people on fire for bringing him a tuna casserole? Bossman: Hey, we gotta live next to the freak. Better to get on their good side early. Big Show: I guess you’re right Bossman. Bossman: That way, when they snap later, they’ll skip you first, and go kill some one else, and you can escape. Besides, that wife of his is a nice piece of ass. Big Show smacks Bossman on the shoulder, and starts to say something, when Bossman quickly rings the bell. Lita: KANE! SOME ONE’S AT THE DOOR! Kane: I HEARD THEM LITA! Lita: KANE! GET THE DOOR! Kane: I’M GETTING IT! The door flies open Kane: …pushy bitch. WHAT? Big Show: Uh, Hi Neighbor! I’m Big Show and this is Bossman, and we’d like to welcome you to the neighborhood! We brought gifts! Bossman: But no tuna! Big Show: Right! Can we come in? Kane just stares at the two nervously grinning idiots. He finally lets the door swing wide and steps back. Kane: Fine. Come on in. Would you like something to drink? Big Show: Uh, sure! Thanks! The two enter into the hallway. Kane leads them the house. Lita calls out from somewhere upstairs. Lita: KANE! Who is it? Kane: It’s the neighbors, dear. Lita: What did they want? Kane: They just wanted to say hello. I let them in. Lita: You let them in? But I’m sick! Kane: It doesn’t matter dear, they just want to say hello and then they’re leaving. Right guys? Big Show: Sure, JUST STOPPED IN TO SAY HELLO! BE ON OUR WAY SOON! Kane: She probably can’t hear you. She’s been puking all day. She’s pregnant you know. Big Show: Congratulations! Kane: It’s a beautiful thing! HAHAHAHA! Kane leads them through the living room. A coffin sits against a wall. Bossman stroll over and runs a hand over it’s glossy back surface. Bossman: She’s a beaut. Brings back memories, eh Big Show? Big Show: Control your self Bossman. The trio enters the kitchen, where Kane opens up the fridge. A live cat jumps out, scurries across the floor and out through an open window. Kane: Damn, there goes dinner. Big Show: Uh, I’ll just have a glass of water. Bossman: Me too. Kane: Suit yourself. Kane pours the two some water, pours one for himself and sits down at the counter and stares at his two guests. Bossman and Big Show keep looking around. The silence grows. Big Show: So, Kane, where you from? Kane: Here and there. WE just got married ad needed a place to live. Big Show: Newlyweds eh? How was the wedding? Kane: Well, the match was that we had to get married, so the match was OK. Big Show: You were forced to marry because of a match? Kane: yeah. It was my idea. Romantic, huh? I knew she wanted it. Bossman: You mind if I go introduce myself to the little lady? Kane: Go right ahead. Top of the stairs, third door on the left. Bossman: I’ll just go say hello then. Kane: Don’t go into the other rooms. I’m warning you, you DON’T want to go in there. Bossman gets up and leaves. Big Show fidgets nervously. Big Show: Uh, it’s a great neighborhood for kids. You said your wife was expecting? Kane: Yes indeed. I told her it was mine, but she didn’t believe me. Why didn’t she believe me? Big Show: Well, you know, with the way things are today, and so forth, SAY! Is that a crock-pot? Why does it have those locks on it? Kane: So the rats can’t escape. Hard to make rat chili when the rats keep getting out. They don’t like the heat you know. Big Show: Well, would you look at the time! I have to be going! BOSSMAN! TIME TO GO! Thank you for your hospitality. You have a lovely home. BOSSMAN! A shriek is heard from upstairs. The sound of heavy feet on the stairs is heard, and Bossman comes running through the kitchen. He yells out as he goes through. Bossman: I got her panties! HEEHEE! I got your Panties Lita! They’re all mine now! He makes his escape through the glass doors on the porch, and is seen to be laughing wildly as he hops the tall fence. Big Show is staring with his mouth open. Kane watched the whole scene non-chalantly. Once Bossman has made good his escape, he asks Big Show. Kane: Would you like to show me around town? Big Show: Bossman, you bastard…hm? Around town, um, sure, why not? The two head to the front door. Lita: KANE! Some crazy bastard just stole my one of my thongs! Kane: I know dear. He’s our new neighbor! Lita: Aren’t you going to do anything? HE STOLE MY UNDERWEAR! Kane: I’m going out and I’ll pick you up some more. You still have hundreds of the things. Damn slut. Come on Big Show. Big Show just walks like a zombie through the door. Once outside, Big Show shows signs of life. Big Show: Well, this is the neighborhood. Across the street is JR, whom you met earlier. He’s the block captain. That means he’s in charge of holding the block functions. Bossman's house is over there, you know, if you want to get revenge or something….no? OK then.. He sells used cars, but don’t buy any from him. He’s a crook. I’m sure he’ll also try to get you to vote for him for mayor. You haven’t registered yet have you? Kane: I don’t vote. Polls make me nervous for some reason. I keep expecting to walk in to one and having a midget come out and attack me with Judy Bagwell. Big Show: Riiight. OK then. The local supermarket is just up the street at the corner… Big Show gives the tour as Kane and he walk around the block. They come up to a big fenced in house, where JR is standing outside speaking through a megaphone. A man on an ATV is sitting beside him, drinking a beer. JR: Come on out now Tess. You can’t stay in there forever. Come out and we can work this out. Big Show: Hey JR, Hi Steve. This is Kane. Tess still won’t leave? JR shrinks back behind Steve, as Kane grins insanely. Steve: Hey Show, nice to meet you Kane. Damn bitch won’t leave. Come on JR try again. Tess: (leaning out a window from the second floor and shouting) I ain’t leaving! This is my house now! You can’t make me! I’ll sue your ass Steve, you hear me? I’ll sue you for every penny you got! Steve: For crying out loud WOMAN! GET YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE! I swear, I’ll drive this ATV right through the front door and up her fat ass! GET OUT! Come on JR, help me out here. JR: Now calm down Steve, have another beer. TESS! IF YOU LEAVE NOW, I’LL THROW IN THIS COUPON BOOK FOR STUCKEYS! Steve: You ever have woman problems Kane? Tess: THOSE TWO FOR OE OR JUST FIFTY CENTS OFF? I AIN’T OMING OUT FOR FIFTY CENTS OFF! YOU MAKE IT TWO FOR ONE! Kane: Like you wouldn’t believe. Why don’t you just drag her out, set her on fire, and then electrocute her tits? Then you could smear gravy allover her and leave her for the vultures to eat? Steve: (looking thoughtful, as JR and Big Show look horrified) HAHAH! Nah, too messy and might make the vultures sick. You ever clean up vulture crap. Kane: You just use a little club soda. Tess: WELL? Steve: You’re a weird one Kane. So JR, are they two for one? JR: Sorry Steve, just fifty cents off, though I do have one for a free drink. Steve: DAMN! Well, I can’t stay here. I got beer to drink. Steve drives off on his ATV, narrowly missing the front gate, but hitting the mailbox. Steve: You blame that on Eddy Guerrero, OK? Kane: Nice guy. He used to live here? Big Show: Yeah, but now he lives down by the river. Ina van, with that guy, what’s his name? Kane: DDP? Big Show: yeah! That’s him. You know him? Kane: I got all my best stalking moves form him. JR: TESS, IF YOU COME OUT NOW, I CAN GIVE YOU ALLTHESE FIFTY CENTS OFF COUPONS AND A FREE DRINK AT STUCKEYS. Tess: THAT THE LOCAL STUCKEYS OR THE ONE ACROSS THE RIVER? CUZ I AIN'T GOING TO THE ONE ACROSS THE RIVER! THEY LET THOSE PEOPLE EAT THERE! Kane: What kind of people she talking about? Mexicans? JR: Worse. Curiserweights. Big Show: Come on Kane, this could take a while. JR: NOW TESS, CRUSIERS AIN'T SO BAD. SOME FINE PEOPLE ARE CRUSIERWEIGHTS. LIKE REY MYSTERIO. Tess: IS HE SINGLE? AND RICH? Kane and Big Show walk on. Big Show: What kind of work you do Kane? Kane: I’m unemployed. I do have experience working in graveyards. I met my first girlfriend there. Big Show: Nothing like young love to change your outlook on life eh? Kane: More than you'll ever know. Big Show: Well, the cemetery is clear across town, and it’s quite a walk. I have to get back by seven though. Tell you what, Dave lives near here and he’s the paper guy. You can sign up for the paper, and check the want ads. Kane: What happens at seven? Just then a Geo Metro pulls up next to the two. A big glowing sign on top says "Five Star Pizza". A man leans out the window. Man: Heey, Big Show. It’s Wednesday night. You getting the usual, or do you need some extra for your buddy there? Big Show: Rob, this is Kane, Kane this is Rob, who makes the best pizza ever. Rob: Hey Dude, nice to meet you, have some coupons. Guaranteed to pop the crowd. So just the usual then? Big Show: You know it Rob. See you at 7? Rob: Always man, cuz you know you can count on R-V-D and his Five Star Pizza to take care of all your munchie needs. Rob drives off, while the Grateful Dead’s "Franklin’s Tower" pumps from the tiny sound system. Kane: Nice guy. Big Show: Hey, you going to use those coupons? He stopped giving them to me. The two walk on a while. They come to a nice house with a shiny Camero parked out front. The garage door is open, and a weight room has been set up. Foreigner’s "Hot Blooded" is playing as a man does bench presses. Kane and Show walk up and step inside. Big Show: Need a spot Dave? Dave: Nah, I got it. 2,000! Yeah, feel the burn! Dave drops the weights into place, and sits up. He flexes his tattoo covered upper body. Dave: What can I do for you Show. I told you to stop bitching about your paper being in your shrubs. Tough shit man, but I gotta a schedule to keep. Dave bends over to pick up some dumbbells and starts doing curls. A freaky vein starts throbbing on his bicep. Big Show: Well, if you’re aim was a little better, it would help. Dave: Hey! With arms like these, you don’t have to worry about aim! Who’s you big friend there. Hey man, you work out? Kane: I do some heavy lifting, like my wife! HAHAHAHA! Dave looks confused, while Big Show just shakes his head. Big Show: So Dave, my friend Kane ere needs to sign up for the paper. You got any forms around? Dave: Sure, next to the free weights. You get your paper by 7 am, no later. Special first time rate. Weekends are extra. Kane: How much? Dave: Man, I don’t know, I just deliver the damn things. It’s a job. It leaves my days free to work out. So how much you bench? Kane moves over with Show to fill out the paper work. Dave just shrugs and goes back to curling. Big Show: OK Dave, I left the form next to the Weight Gain 5000. He’ll get the paper starting tomorrow right? Dave: No problem man. I gotta work out my thighs. Wanna spot me? Show: No thanks. We gotta go. It’s almost 7. Dave: You really should cut down on the carbs man, and focus more on protein. Kane and Show leave the garage. Show: Well, that’s the neighborhood. I’ll show you around some more later. I gotta get home. Nice meeting you Kane. Kane: You too Big Show. I think we’re going to be very close friends. The two walk home. That’s it for today. Kane’s house is going to replace Wevv’s House. I hope you liked it. I’ll be back on Friday. What’s in store for Friday? Well, it’s been a long time in the making. It’s the first ever all OAW. See you then. Quick Plugs! LOP Forums! They’re back! What are you waiting for! Get to Posting! LOP Merchandise! Not only reasonable Priced but stylish too! LOP Creative Writing Forum! See what all the fuss is about! Wevv Week begins Continues.  Until Next Time Thanks For Reading and Thanks For Ridin’ Wevv Mang mrwevv@mac.com
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