Stuck in the Middle With You - A True Wrestling Hero and My Interview with Jesus
    Submitted by Da J-Train on Saturday, July 31, 2004 at 3:37 AM EST



    Welcome back to my column everyone. I had a pretty shitty day myself. One of my employees exemplifies what I hated about my old school, and she upset me based on the judgments that she was making toward people she didn’t even know. Typical. In the mean time, it’s been raining non stop here in New York, and now I’m out $20 because of it. I agreed to tend to my cousin’s yard for the money, but the rain has halted that, and I was supposed to do it today, but all day it was on the verge of rain, so I didn’t bother. It didn’t even end up raining. Then I found out that two of my best friends and closest confidants will soon be out of my life due to moving. That also upset me. Then, I saw The Village, which was about as good as 98 year old pussy. Bear in mind that this is coming from a fan of M. Night Shyamalan, two or three moments of suspense couldn’t save that steaming pile of poo. Nothing like a bad movie to get me going.


    So what’s on my mind today? The Democratic National Convention? Ricky Williams? Killer creatures in mystical woods? No no, just plain old wrestling as usual. I’m gonna talk about a true hero in the spectrum of wrestling. It’s a story that you may know, but I hope to make it a bit more mainstream. I’ll also try to humor you with a rather odd visit by Jesus. Hey, this is Stuck in the Middle with You, who knows what kind of shit I’ll throw down. So, like a good Red Sox/Yankees bench-clearing rumble, let’s get it on!



    BUT FIRST...



    Letters! I get Letters! I get sacks and sacks of Letters! LETTERS!!! That's right; it's time to answer some of my Love, Hate, Kind-Of-Care-For, and I-Only-Like-You-as-A-Friend-Mail… I’m hoping one of these is a publishers clearing house WINNER!



    Feedback O Rama


    Letter 1 :

    I like your ideas on having a "Gay" wrestler. But few things pop up ............. such as will other wrestlers feel ok to work with the Gay wrestler, in the ring. Esp. since most wrestlers wear tights. And there are RUMORS of others than Pat Patterson being gay (Brooklyn Brawler being Pattersons lover, which may explain why he been working there for years).

    Mr. Goot


    Mr. Goot,

    Actually, I did a little bit of research on the subject, and I found out that Pat Patterson is actually openly gay. Apparently, he was outed around the same time as the WWF steroid charges. I’m pretty sure I also heard a rumor that back in his Stooge days, he was mad at Jim Ross because Ross kept making allusions to his sexuality on TV. Sadly, I didn’t find anything about Patterson and Brawler to confirm their supposed relationship.



    Letter 2 :

    I've read your column for a while and I like it for the most part. But the last one talking about the gay wrestler was juss... *speechless* I couldnt beleive what I was thinking. You think a gay wrestler would actually get outta the closet and admit hes gay? when hes showering backstage with all the boys, all the time, when they're in the ring 300 days a year with other men topless with only trunks and boots? Think of how much stress/pressure he'd be under.

    And what if the crowd doesnt accepct him? what if hes laughed at everywhere? not only would his PEERS not want to work with him (who would?) the crowd would not even want to see him. And wehre would his career go from there? go host some talk show on the new gay channel? and hows this storyline suppossed to start anyways? Random wrestler: Hey vince, Im gay, lets put it in my character.

    As I said, I normally enjoy your column, but last weeks was juss so unimagineably stupid

    Superstar Alen



    Superstar Alen,

    Look, I am glad that you like the column… but seriously, that has to be one of the weakest arguments I have ever seen to dispute something like this. This isn’t a knock on you; I was expecting something like this… let me show you:

    The first thing you brought up (which was also brought up in Letter #1) was the fact that it would be an openly gay man in an atmosphere that is male oriented, and has instances of male nudity or something of that sort. That argument is complete BULL SHIT. The fact is that these men are professionals, and they should be able to deal with the fact that they are in the ring with a gay man. In fact, they should all be pretty comfortable in their sexuality being that their chosen profession is already to roll around on the floor with other guys. They are professionals, and professionals are expected to act in a professional manner. All of the gay guys that I know won’t make moves on straight men if they know the man is straight. I’d think this would be the same situation. What do you think? He’s gonna give the guy a reach around in the middle of the ring or in the shower? You make it sound like all gay people are out for is sex. No, professionalism would prevail in this situation.

    What if he’s laughed at? Well, no one seemed to care if the crowd laughed at a retarded wrestler or a one-legged wrestler did they? If this gimmick is intended to allow the fans to judge for themselves, and they laugh at this character just because he’s gay, what does it say about the crowd? Look, I’d expect there to be some hostility, but the backlash wouldn’t be THAT bad. Look, if he doesn’t make a big deal of it, he could have a great career; it worked for Ellen, right?

    This storyline is too real for the WWE, simply put. It’ll never happen… not because the backlash would be too severe or paranoia of gays in the locker room… but because this character wouldn’t be a character. He would be real. He wouldn’t be over-the-top as most questionably gay characters… it would be real, and it would give the crowd a swift kick in the ass, which is what they may need somehow or another.



    Letter 3 :


    Hi J-Train

    Im a big fan of your column and read it regularly from here in the UK, you know, America's political bitch!!!

    As a wrestling fan and also a gay man i would just like to say how refreshing i thought it was to read your 'Gay hypothetical' column. For a long time now i have often pondered the same thought regarding how a homosexual wrestler would be regarded by the audiences and their reactions depending on which state the WWE was performing in.
    I think that the praise that the WWE would undoubtedly recieve from organisations like GLAAD would be greatly overshadowed by campaigners for 'family values' and more right-wing news networks like the FOX media group(Damn Murdoch!!!)

    I feel this would be a sad state of afrairs as it would be a very welcome change for the old school fans from the endless HHH runs and pregnancy angles that nobody even cares about.

    But another question that struck me was, with all of the superstars who've come and gone through the WWF/WWE, there is no possibilty that some of them were'nt secretly homosexuals who lived closeted lives for fear of being ousted from the business.
    Many thanks for reading this and keep up the good work with your column
    yours
    Ryan Simpson



    Ryan,

    Well, I’m not out to bring anyone out of the closet here, but when I did my Pat Patterson research, I found out that not only Patterson, but Terry Garvin and Mel Phillips were also gay. But yeah, I’m sure there were some different wrestlers who actually were gay, but were not open about it due to fear or whatever. I mean, of all the wresting federations of all the world of all time… there had to be some closeted.



    Letter 4 :


    I don't know that I've ever taken the opportunity to tell you before, but i sincerly enjoy your work most weeks. Your's amongst others inspired me to write in the forums, and the free flowing hositlity bit from carlin is still the best section of any column anywhere. I have been vocal, and deeply upset about the quality of the main page columns lately, but you sir an exception. Well done as per usual.

    -RandomGuy#5, lop forums

    The Nosebleed Section



    RandomGuy#5,

    Wow, those were some really kind words… almost overwhelming. I would also like to tell you that although I rarely leave feedback, I do read your column whenever I am in the forum along with Julian Phoenix’s, Your Ayatollah’s, and Xan Man’s. I hope the latest installment was not, in fact, your last as you allude to at the end.

    It’s always surprising when someone from the forums leaves me feedback because I distance myself from the forums, so I don’t even know if anyone reads it.




    Well, that’s that. We laughed, we cried, we peed. Enjoy the rest of the column.



    A True Wrestling Hero


    Sometimes in our random searches of wrestling rumors, we come upon a piece of news that makes us proud to be a wrestling fan or a fan of a certain wrestler. As I was searching around, I found a news bit that just struck me in this way. I’m sure many of you have heard, but for those of you who haven’t, Perry Saturn has finally recovered and is ready to continue his life in pro wrestling.


    Why is this heroic do you ask? Well, the story that goes along with it is the part that floored me. According to the website of the federation that Saturn will be wrestling for, USA Pro Wrestling, Perry Saturn was apparently driving his girlfriend to work when he heard a squabble going on in the next car. He went to see what was going on, and he saw two men trying to pin down and rape a woman. After fighting with the men and freeing the girl, he apparently felt a burning sensation in his neck. Saturn thought it was from a punch, but in reality, he was SHOT 3 times in the neck.


    That was April of 2004, and it is now pretty much August. One of the attackers is in jail, the other is at large. No word on the victim, but I assume she is safe. As for Saturn… he has a steel plate and 3 screws in the C-5, 6, and 7 vertebra of his neck. However, he trained and rehabbed and is now prepped for an in-ring return due to this horrific ordeal.


    In a society that openly embraces Lance Armstrong as a hero, and justly so, I think it is safe to say that Perry Saturn is one as well. It’s not that he took the shots or that he recovered… that makes him a tough hero. It’s more along the lines of the fact that he was man enough to take the initiative and not allow two assholes to commit one of the most terrible crimes around, in my opinion. Perry Saturn saved that girl potential hours of pain and humiliation by stepping up and doing what was right. He had the balls to take on two men at once to help someone out that he didn’t even know. Well, I say good for Perry Saturn. Good for him, and he is a better person for it.


    It’s easy to say that he did what we would all do in that situation, but you don’t truly know that until you are faced with it. I know for a fact that I would have ignored the initial argument and drove away, depending on the nature of the argument. I mean, if the girl seemed distressed or in trouble, I would help, but according to the report, Saturn heard an argument. It did not reveal the nature of the argument. But say the argument was just between a girl and one supposed man, as a run-of-the-mill relationship argument. I know I wouldn’t investigate because I let people deal with their own problems. Whatever the situation or the nature of the argument, it’s a good thing that Perry Saturn chose the right thing to do.


    I am a fan of Perry Saturn. I supported him in both his WCW and WWE runs, and I have one Eliminators match on DVD (I didn’t know about ECW back then). I supported him when he ran around with a mop. I supported him when he wore a dress. I think he is a good wrestler who got a bad nod from the WWE. To hear this new makes me glad to call myself a fan of his.


    I hope that the WWE says something about this in passing, but they won’t. All I can say is that I wish Saturn the best of luck and that he is a hero in my eyes.




    My Interview With Jesus


    Time to add a little humor to this day and this column. So, everyone, enjoy my interview with Jesus!


    On Wednesday night, I went to bed unusually early for me, at about 12:30pm. I had a sound sleep until I was awaken two hours later by my mother’s baked ziti from that night coming back to haunt me for a trip on the ol porcelain express. Rather to shit my pants, I decided to drag my lazy ass out of bed. As the feces were clopping out of my rectum, I was basically asleep and waiting to get back to my bed. When I got back to my room, there sat a man with long hair, a beard, and flowing white robes. He looked at me and motioned for me to come over. I feared for a sec, but I figured that if this was a rapist, he would have a bad time after the ziti, so I wasn’t afraid. Then I realized that it was Jesus! That’s right, the Christ himself was in my room, and luckily, I had a tape recorder.


    The following events occurred on Thursday morning at 2:38 am:


    J-Train - Wow… Jesus! Here in my room! What can I do for you?


    Jesus - Come over here my son, I would like to speak to you.


    J-Train - Look, if this is about that whole going agnostic thing or me nit picking your movie, I’m sorry, but I can’t taking my comments back.


    Jesus - Actually, I am here to talk about wrestling.


    J-Train - …Really? Um… Why?


    Jesus - I see that you have a column on Lords of Pain, and I was wondering if you could let the other columnists know some things in the name of the Lord.


    J-Train - Sure I guess… like what?


    Jesus - Well, first of all, tell them to stop bad mouthing Triple H, X-Pac, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall. They are all good men, but they have their problems… and what does the Bible say about forgiveness?


    J-Train - Well, I never read the Bible, but I’m guessing it’s for forgiveness?


    Jesus - Exactly. Teach them to forgive these great men.


    J-Train - Ok, I’ll try.


    Jesus - Thank you my son, thou art wise. Second thing, don’t speak negatively about Ric Flair. Especially his stuff about Bret Hart.


    J-Train - Well Jesus, you have to admit that some of the stuff he wrote about Bret was kind of harsh.


    Jesus - Nonsense! Are you defying your Lord?


    J-Train - No, I’m just saying…


    Jesus - Ever since 1997 it’s been Poor Bret this and Poor Bret that. Bret screwed Bret remember? Yeah I did it and I’d do it again dammit!


    J-Train - Whoa! Whoa! Jesus, calm down! Man, you sound kind of familiar.


    Jesus - Nevermind that. Finally, the third thing you are to do to serve my name… You and all the rest of the columnists are to praise the work of Garrison Cade!


    J-Train - No chance, Garrison Cade sucks


    Jesus - Thou art wrong my son. Garrison Cade is a fine wrestler in good Texas tradition. He has a great look and will go far. I especially like how he was trained.


    J-Train - Wait a minute… something’s not right here…


    Jesus - I have to be going, so sayeth the Lord, and remember, All Things Are Possible!


    J-Train - Wait a second.. all things are possible? Shawn? You’re not Jesus at all… you’re Shawn Michaels aren’t you?


    Jesus - … No.


    J-Train - Yes you are, you’re Shawn Michaels with a fake beard!


    Jesus - No, I am Jesus, the only son of God! Tis not a beard of fake hair!


    J-Train - Shawn, I took it off of your face and am holding it in my hand!


    Jesus - Ah! I have performed another miracle!


    J-Train - What the… Shawn, please don’t tell me those holes in your hands are real.


    Jesus - Why, of course they’re real, I was crucified!


    J-Train - Please don’t tell me you drilled holes in your hand! Well, I have to give you credit, you go all out. Nice costume


    Jesus - Costume?


    J-Train - Alright, it’s getting old


    Jesus - Yes, and I must be going!


    *”Jesus” throws down a smoke capsule and smoke fills the room. When it clears, he is still sitting there, coughing*


    J-Train - Get out of here! What are doing in my room at 2 in the morning anyway?


    Jesus - … I … um … lost my … smile?


    J-Train - Get the fuck out of here now, before I call the cops.


    Jesus - Ok, ok.


    And as Jesus shimmied out the door in his mirrored chaps, I went to sleep… deeply and deeply disturbed





    Random Stops Along the Way


    No more Random Stops… I got bored with them. I’ll be back next week with a new part for my column though.



    Well, it’s about that time again…



    Free Flowing Hostility: Minor cultural items I am Bored With, Tired Of, and Pissed At.


    Welcome to the annoying celebrity edition of the FFH. This one has two celebrities that I not only can’t stand, but I would not shed a tear if they were to be mauled by a flock of rabid geese.



    1. Kathy Griffin


    Hey! Entertainment bookers out there! It’s not a feat if you can book Kathy Griffin for anything. It’s a proven fact, she will do ANYTHING. It may be B-List celebrity reality shows or those overbearing VH1 list shows or anything! Kathy’s always there! She’s like a fucking monkey that when you ring the bell, she comes a runnin! And she never has anything good to say. Her interview are always like… “Like, ohmigod… in 1997, it was like soooo weird.” It’s like listening to a 13 year old girl! She has been running off of her major claim to fame… Suddenly Susan. since what? 1996? First of all, she got that fame by upstaging Brooke Shields in a comedy show… not a hard task. I’m just sick of her and her high pitched shit voice. Her D-List show sucked too, by the way.



    2. Andy Dick


    There is nothing funny about Andy Dick. He is an idiot. He is annoying, and someone with the mind capacity of a three year old at MTV decided to throw him in a reality show. I have watched that show and I hate it. Not because of Andy… because it’s not entertaining to me in the least. His sort of gay, sort of straight act that he’s been laying on us all for too long was endearing and funny for about… hmm.. 5 seconds? This guy annoys the piss out of me. The only thing I liked that he had a major role in was Newsradio… and no, I don’t consider his role in Old School a major one. I give the guy credit for kicking his addictions, but that’s about all. Other than that, I would rather do away with him.




    The Caboose


    What did we learn today?


    • We learned the true meaning of hero through the actions of Perry Saturn


    • We learned that Shawn Michaels is really out of action for drilling holes in his hands


    • Finally, we learned that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are a plague on the fine art that is comedy.





    That’s it for this week… Come back next week for a next section and more fun. I hope you enjoyed this column and please… take the Jesus bit lightly… I don’t want any hate mail from some psychotic Bible thumper. It’s a joke people.



    ----------------------------------------- Da J-Train -------------------------------------


    merlinJAP@hotmail.com (If you email me, put FEEDBACK in the email subject or it will be deleted)


    AIM: JPAW101…. Feel free to talk to me, I am friendly and give good hugs!




    *NEW GALLERY* Very Rare Photos from MR. KENNEDY'S WEDDING!

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