The Rant of the Week: Morons...they're all a bunch of Morons
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Wednesday, July 28, 2004 at 4:15 AM EST







Greetings conversationalist’s all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. Now with me launching my first professional website this week called Free For All Daily and the mounting pressure to get the official NWA-TNA E-fed up and running to say I’m feeling a bit under pressure would be an understatement. I’m seriously considering handing the reigns of PWA Schizophrenia the part of LOP’s E-Fed that I write over to someone else because I don’t think I have it in me to do two shows a week. I know I like to criticize booking in the WWE and TNA, but once you have to actually do it no matter on what scale you can see the hell these guys must go through just to put together one show.

But as a respected member of the Internet Wrestling Community (Well at least in my own mind), I have a duty to be unbiased no matter what and to tell you the reader my honest opinion. I was praising JBL before praising JBL was cool as you will now notice some writers around the net doing. I was saying Randy Orton is a great talent despite getting his push because he’s Triple H’s lackey before anyone else did. Hell I even find humor in Kenzo Suzuki and despite his lack of skills, I think he could be something good. But when the WWE drops the ball with a guy like Mordecai who has a great gimmick I reserve all right to question their judgement.

But when it comes to me tearing them a new hole we see The Diva’s Search. Now the last time I checked I was a straight red blooded American male and I love seeing women wearing revealing clothing. Hell the less they wear and the more they flaunt the better I say. But tonight the WWE might have finally reached their jump the shark moment. We tuned into RAW to see the Chris Benoit/Triple H Iron Man Match. They said top of the hour to start the show and what we got was The Coach with the girls and he had to inform which one got the boot. It was one of the twins…no big loss. But what I heard next made me lower my head in shame.

This week your challenge is to seduce a former WWE Superstar.

I turned to my father and was like I didn’t just hear that. He confirmed I did and I was like fuck this is going to be dumb. So I figured after that the match must start. Well no it didn’t. We get the message from JR that Bischoff changed the format and made a battle royal first. It was a good battle royal and it gave them an excuse to give Randy Orton his title shot. I was pulling for Flair or Jericho but it was not to be. I mean this battle royal was just an excuse to get everyone on tv at once. I mean Rosie is now a Super Hero. Do we know why? No. I mean a little build up or something would be nice. Hell in WCW when The Big Boss Man became The Guardian Angel I remember them showing him going through the training to become one and ultimately him in a room full of angels and I believe Curtis Sliwa receiving his membership into the fold. Aside from a few funny promos last year can anyone remember anything with The Hurricane training Rosie?

And they wonder why gimmicks fail to get over.

Maybe it has something to do with not putting any damn time into them.

Meh…character development. Now there’s a concept they should look into. But the time came for the seduction. Now let me make this very clear. These chicks might be hot and very bangable, but they can not act for shit. I’ve seen better acting in Soft Core Porn’s. What I saw tonight was worse then what I saw in Playmate of the Apes…and believe me that was bad. Now I’ll give Kamala credit. He did his job and sold everything like the pro that he is. But man these chicks are complete idiot’s. He’s staring at their tits and making noises and they’re like “Oh you want to dance”? To make things interesting next week the one who loses should be eaten alive by Kamala much like he ate that live chicken on Thursday Night Titans back in the day.

Look we know this chick Carmella is winning. Just stop the torture all ready. If the ratings are up on that piece of shit it just means next weeks segment will be twice as long. So when we have to sit through another long bit we have no one but ourselves to blame.

See it’s a shame the lengths people go to for money. Now don’t get me wrong, in addition to being a red blooded American Male I’m also a Capitalist Pig. So I love money (I wish I had some right now…). I mean is all this suffering they are inflicting on the last group of core fans really worth it? When house shows are drawing under 2,000 people perhaps wasting TV time on a bunch of dumb bitches is not the best way to get interest in the product up. I use the term dumb bitches in the nicest of ways. I’d really like to see Christy win, but unless something happens Carmella is going to.

But can it seriously get any worse after tonight. I mean having Kamala come in grunt at the women. I’m sure some black group is going to have a problem with that. But then again with the shit that’s on MTV who would really notice. I mean Kamala actually was easier to understand then 50 Cent and Jadakiss combined. I mean as a fat man I found it offensive that they were slapping on his stomach like it was a bongo drum. Ok I didn’t, but still it was just plain bad. I mean it was just as funny as Linda McMahon, Ivory, and Stacy at the DNC Convention. You could see the contempt in Ivory when she had to talk to Stacy since she’ younger then her and obviously higher up on the wanking chart (Of course I contend Ivory is a prime example of a MILF and that puts her higher on my chart).

Benoit vs. Triple H was a damn good match. That made up for wasting minutes of my life that I will never get back because of the Diva’s search. I loved the psychology in the match. Benoit worked over Triple H’s knees like they owed him money and Triple H worked over Benoit’s chest in an attempt to rip out his heart so he would finally stop having the will to be the brightest star on RAW. Ok maybe he wasn’t doing that, but I bet Triple H would if he could. In any event the match went a nice 50 minutes before the seen coming a mile away run in of Flair and DAVE. DAVE threw Benoit into the ring post and Benoit drew blood. A bloody Benoit wouldn’t give up and even after two ref bumps Triple H couldn’t beat him so income Flair and DAVE which set up the return of everyone’s favorite retard Eugene.

Eugene lays Flair and DAVE out and then gives the EL KABONG to Triple H and proceeds to show super human strength when he picks up Referee Mike Chioda and throws him into the ring like a lawn dart allowing Benoit to get the very dramatic deciding fall with seconds remaining. See boys and girls that’s how you put together a damn good match complete with heel beatdown and the return of the face that everyone loves. Of course I contend this is all a swerve and Eugene will be joining Evolution as Evolution decides that Triple H is not the best in the game anymore since Eugene will reveal that it was all an act and he Nick Dinsmore is the real Cerebral Assassin. I mean I can’t see poor Nick who is obviously a damn good wrestler continue to be a comedy act.

Speaking of comedy acts, I read this bit of news.

Nova has been working house shows with a Richard Simmons/exercise guru type gimmick.

There was a more detailed thing floating around on the net, but I can’t seem to find it so fuck it. So after reading that bit of news I came to the conclusion that this proves my theory about ECW and Vince all in one shot. Vince will destroy anyone creatively no matter how good they maybe for the simple fact they worked for someone else. Also any and all wrestlers from ECW during their peak to the end are cursed in some form. So when I read that Nova would be doing a Richard Simmons type character I was like “ok this could be interesting” then about a second later I realized no it wouldn’t.

I’m a fan of Nova. I’ve been since his days in ECW. I used to be a huge fan of him and The Blue Meanie as a tag team. Watching them I was like “Holy Shit…The Meanie can wrestle”. The biggest mark out moment with Nova came on the last ECW ppv when Bang Your Head by Quiet Riot started blaring over the PA system and out comes Nova buff as hell and cleaned house and had a damn good match with Chris Hammrick. So to hear Nova’s going from that to Richard Simmons isn’t exactly great news. I mean it’s great he’s finally getting called up, but why is it when he’s a perfect fit for Smackdown is he going to RAW. Aren’t there enough small guys for the big guys to slaughter?

Well we shall see what happens, I’m always willing to give the benefit of the doubt so I won’t automatically say it sucks. Hell I think I said Dinsmore playing a retard would be bad and so far it seems to have gone over well.

Speaking of going over well, congragulations are in order to Brock Lesnar. He worked hard and has met his goal of becoming a bench warmer in the NFL. Yep he gave up about $9 Million a year from McMahon so he could get less then a quarter mil to play for his beloved Minnesota Vikings. Well who knows maybe Brock will get to play during a rought or something and he’ll get a token sack on the third string QB and that will prove that it wasn’t a publicity stunt.

Hey it beats Droz’s claim to fame in the NFL of puking during Monday Night Football.

Before I go, I saw Chyna on Howard Stern’s E Show. It was quite funny watching her sing. My god when she hits a high note, don’t be near anything that could crack like glass. She was really bitter towards Triple H. I can understand that much and she says she has a sex tape of herself and X-Pac. Now a sex tape would probably answer a lot of questions.

1) Does Chyna have a dick?

2)Does X-Pac have a set of balls?

3)Who is the man and who is the woman?

And finally…

4)Proof that Chyna’s career has hit the bottom of the fucking pile and her only claim to fame is home made porn.

Well maybe she gives better head then Paris Hilton. If she does then there’s something she can build on.

Well on that note, I’m done for this week. But if your bored, please do check out The XY Files Volume 29: Grumpy Old Men by the ever talented Tinaali. I got to where only her husband gets to go…


No not there you sicko, I filled in for Rick on the He Said portion of the column. I gave my take on The Bret Hart/Ric Flair situation and I think I made the most sense out of anyone. Plus Tina is my boss for the TNA E-fed and I’ll lose my job if I don’t bump up her hits.

So yeah that’s it for this week. Drop me a line either by e-mail or in my official Live Journal so take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it damn well has to be me {S Bob Grant

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