The Rant of the Week: Making fun of the news with Valleyboy
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Monday, July 19, 2004 at 4:05 AM EST





Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. As always I am coming to you from my bunker somewhere in the urban cesspool that is New York City. As I’m typing this I’m listening to Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell. Major Ed Dames is on and he was just talking about the killshot from the sun. If you pay attention to the news on Solar Flares, you’ll notice they’ve been getting bigger. Well the killshot will be the one that kills a good portion of the planet. He says it will happen sometime next year when the space shuttle is forced back to earth because of Meteor activity. But a good indication of it happening will be the moon suddenly getting bright and there would be a huge flash cause the day side of the earth will have just got flash fried. Always fun to know Mother Nature will do us in long before we get the chance to do it ourselves.

Well once again I wasn’t to sure if I was going to write anything and then I came across this gem on LOP’s arch rival 411 Mania had this following gem in one of the columns. The Wrestling News Experience I think it was.

“Billy Gunn has apparently become more vocal that he could be on his way to the Indy circuit and TNA. Seems he feels that he can pick up paydays similar to what Raven makes. Well, yeah, because if you take away the long hair, troubled past, wrestling ability, promo skills, and occasional wearing of a kilt, and if you squint your eyes just right, Raven does look a lot like a short version of Billy Gunn.”-Credit to Stephen Randle on 411Mania.

First I laughed then I sighed and then laughed some more. Billy Gunn thinks he could make the kind of money Raven does? Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding. First off TNA would have to be pretty desperate to sign Billy Gun should Vince decide to tell him to take a hike. I mean could any of us even imagine the words “Billy Gunn: Number One Contender for the NWA World Heavyweight title”…oh wait we wouldn’t. Because I’m pretty sure Billy doesn’t own the name Billy Gunn. He’d have to go by his real name of Monte "Kip" Sopp. Yes, not even I can make that one up. So I don’t think I could see Monte as the number one contender for the NWA Title…but then again Tommy Rich was NWA Champion for four days so go figure. Judy Bagwell was a WCW Tag Champion. Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael was WCW U.S. Champion…point is just because it can happen doesn’t mean it should.

Shit…where was I? Oh yeah…Monte Sopp. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…seriously who does he think he is kidding? Ok we all know Indy companies are desperate for any “big name” star that they can get, but I would imagine Raven pulls in somewhere around $3 grand an appearance…depending on the company. I remember King Kong Bundy was featured on that MTV thing with Tony Atlas and he was getting something like $500 a show.

Now if you were an Indy Promoter would you be willing to pay that much for Monte ‘Kip’ Sopp? The guys who set up the ring are worth more then Gunn’s sorry ass. It’s a shame when deserving wrestlers are held down because little bitches like Billy think just because they have been around forever they deserve a push.

But hey I haven’t gotten to his simplistic move set and his flimsy snap punches. My god Billy for a guy who’s supposed to be The Bad Ass you sure do throw punches like a fairy. Valleyboy chimes in with this notion… I'll give him credit for trying an RKO on Jindrak in their match that I saw on Velocity this weekend. Made Randy's version look seamless.

You know, I could go on and on and on about how much I hate Billy Gunn. Everything from how he played the role of a flaming Homo so well to those magical days as Rockabilly. But I won’t because I would lose any sanity I have left doing that.

Ok…one more Billy Gunn joke courtesy of Valleyboy.

Billy Gunn works the mic like my ex used to work my dick... sloppily

Ok well since I have no real point of writing anything on interest, I figure I’ll do what I’m best at. Making fun of the news. Normally I’ll just put on Fox News or MSNBC and yell at the tv for a few hours but today we explore the ever fun world of the dirt sheets. All the news that Vince and company say is total bullshit. At the most it should make for some fun reading as I’ll be doing it with the above mentioned Valleyboy. Valley writes a column in the forums called Selective Memory and he’s one of the best BAH GAWD talents we got in our “Farm System”.

Bret Hart will be meeting with Shane McMahon at some point today. The purpose of the meeting is to figure out a deal where a Bret Hart DVD can be produced by WWE.

Phantom: Gee he’s only my favorite wrestler and quite possibly the nearest thing to a living saint in Canada. Of course they would have to make a Bret Hart DVD. I mean Bret only gave his sanity and personal health for this sport. It’s only fair that we the fans at least be able to relive the good old days with out having to go hunting on E-Bay for shitty compilations.

ValleyBoy: Well, Bret's gonna meet with Shane O' Mac. At least with Vince sending his boy for the meeting proceedings, Bret chose not to send his nephew Teddy to the meeting in his place. One can only imagine how that meeting would go. Side-note - If Teddy Hart is willing to kill himself in the ring for the sake of wrestling, I wish he'd hurry up.

Phantom: Why all the hate for Teddy...he's a Hart (if by name only) And we're supposed to love them damn it.

ValleyBoy: I love the Hart's, but as far as Teddy's concerned... I wanna see the DNA tests on that abortion gone wrong.

Phantom: Fair enough so lets move along to one of our favorite topics on the forum. Gail Kim

Gail Kim is out of action as one of her implants was leaking. We'll keep you posted.

ValleyBoy: That's what you get with implants that are "Made In Taiwan". How do you fix something like that anyway? Put duct tape on the nipple?

Phantom: Here’s another gem that was in the same article no less.

Test, who is set to undergo neck surgery shortly, was on his way out of WWE. He was due to be released but as WWE don't release anyone whilst they are injured as a way of policy, he survives for now at least.

ValleyBoy: Ya know, as a Canadian, I have a lot of pride for the WWE Superstars that have been born and raised north of the border ... but Test is the wrestling son that no one wanted. Honestly, I didn't even notice he was gone. He should thanks his lucky stars that he'll be collecting his downside while sitting on his ass at home getting BJ's from Stacy on her days off. Fuck... He won the lottery for Christ's sake and all he had to do was break his neck.

Phantom: God Bless America.

ValleyBoy: I'd break my neck to make that kind of money to do nothing and have that chick slob on my knob. Tell me you wouldn't.

Phantom: I am a man aren’t I…Of course I would.

ValleyBoy: Damn Skippy, my New York hippie. One more thing about Test and Stacy...
Can you imagine the kids? Longest legs AND TEETH in history for that poor kid.

Phantom: Well moving along

ValleyBoy: What else we got?

Phantom: Rikishi…

ValleyBoy: Rikishi got fired... Stop the presses.

In a rather unsurprising move, WWE officially released Rikishi yesterday. Most believed WWE would either release Rikishi, or at the very least, watch his contract run out. Apparently, they went with the former. Although Rikishi was recently cleared to return from injury, there was a feeling amongst management that Rikishi did not work to quickly return from his ankle injury due to the fact that he had a high downside guarantee. He also got into heat for working an Indy show without clearance. A final issue was Rikishi's apparent refusal to lose weight for a new gimmick.

ValleyBoy: He might have been able to keep his job if he had just laid off the Oreo’s. Even Ric Flair had to say, "DAMN! Those are some big man titties!" Where do you think Rikishi is gonna end up now?

Phantom: Honestly he'll probably go to TNA since after all he's right up there with Billy Gunn in terms of name recognition.

ValleyBoy: Name recognition... that's his claim to fame. If you ask me, we're gonna see in about six months Richard Simmons praying with him in his living room while the cut out the wall of his house just so he can walk his damned dog. It's called Atkins, fatty. GET ON IT! Goddamn, I am mean tonight. You're right about TNA though. Although AJ Styles would be hard-pressed to get a good match out of him.

Phantom: Meh, I've been worse. Just wait till you read the Billy Gunn portion in full. But here’s another good one. God bless Good Ol’ JR.

Jim Ross recently went on record and used the word “challenging” to describe several aspects of the Great American Bash PPV which fell far below anyone’s expectations. He stated that Kenzo Suzuki, Luther Reigns, and Mordecai weren’t established yet and not ready for PPVs. He gave the overall PPV a slight thumbs down.

ValleyBoy: Now you know it's bad for Smackdown when the Senior VP Of Talent Relations (or whatever the hell his title is) goes on public record and hands you your punk card. "Challenging"? Is that office speak for "Holy shit, that was bad!"? "Slight thumbs down"... That's precious. That's like saying it was a slight piece of crap. Diet Crap... Not crappy enough.

Phantom: I think when it comes down to it, JR is just pissed that his BBQ sauce has yet to be at least test marked in prisons and homeless soup kitchens.

ValleyBoy: Fear Factor won't even touch it. And they eat donkey nuts.

Phantom: Donkey nuts...great way to segway...oh look it's a story on John Cena

ValleyBoy: What's Cena up to?

A new US champion will be crowned next week, with John Cena working a program with whoever it is (there is talk of Booker T, management aren't too happy with Rene Dupree at the moment). The angle will be that Cena will introduce his own, custom made US title which will lead to a unification match on PPV.

ValleyBoy: Oh Lord, a custom made belt... where have I heard this one before?

Phantom: WM 10 perhaps?

ValleyBoy: I was actually thinking of the Stone Cold Championship belt, but the unification match is another good point. Cena Vs. Book in a ladder match? If that happens, I'm investing all my money in yawns.

Phantom: Well it could be interesting. We could see the Five-Knuckle Shuffle off the ladder. I'm sure you wacky Canadians would eat that shit up.

ValleyBoy: Sadly, we Mother Canuckers would. I can't see either Cena or Book putting on an exhilarating ladder match though. Book's spine must look like a misshapen pretzel by now.

Phantom: Sadly we know that's true. You have to admire Booker T. The money must be good for him to willingly step in front of land mine after land mine.

ValleyBoy: At least he avoided that Papa Shango rumor. Yikes, Career Suicide paging Mr. Booker. Booker T, you have a page with Career Suicide.

Phantom: Well I think we nuked the net and the rumors and news the best we can. You have any closing thoughts.

Valleyboy: Yah, when is Chavo Classic gonna appear on Inside Edition to tell his sob story of being abducted by Elvis impersonating lesbians, and then getting fired by Vince for not having the decency to use his last quarter for a phone call, instead of that hour with the hooker with one tooth? That's what I wanna know.

I’d like to thank Valleyboy for wasting that time with me and Ryan Clark and his network of website’s for providing the cannon fodder that we used tonight.

Read Valley’s current column offering: Valleyboy vs. Smackdown 4 in the LOP Columns Forum section

For all of his column archives, check out the Selective Memory Archives Whiskey Bottle thrown at you by ValleyMom is a risk you take for reading.

Before I go, I figure I’ll address the Matt Hardy issue a little bit more. For those of you who read my column last week and if you didn’t you better, I dissected Matt Hardy piece by piece for his attack on the Internet. See Matt maybe you should be more concerned with going along with stupid angles then what a paranoid schizophrenic like me has to think about your company. I still await some sort of response from you or anyone in the WWE or any wrestling company for that matter.

You know I was right about us on the net providing free market research and you know I’m right when I say the WWE writers couldn’t write their way out of a paper bag. I know I could turn Smackdown around in a few months because guess what it’s not that hard to stand up to a guy who’s only claim to fame is putting on red face paint and talking like his nuts are in a vice and say “You know what…this sucks…we should think of something else”. And don’t even get me started on Princess Stephanie. I don’t care if she has a business degree from BU…the only reason she ever got the job of head of creative direction is because she’s Daddy’s Little Girl. That’s what I like Shane. He has the balls to go through a plate glass window while you and Daddy book yourself in a Father vs. Daughter match but after afraid to take any real moves because god forbid you have a bruise a week before your wedding.

Damn that was some built up anger. See I did learn something in Psychology class. Release the anger instead of letting it build up. It’s common sense if you think about it.

Before I go I thought I’d point out that the official NWA-TNA Impact Message Board which can be found through this site is opening up their own E-fed for the board and guess who’s gonna be part of the booking and writing team. While I’ll have to take two steps back since TNA is Family Friendly, but never the less it’s so nice to see a major company that appreciates the internet and the loyal fans that are on it.

More information as it becomes available to me, but if you’ve ever read my PWA Shows then you know NWA-TNA will be running laps around the WWE once again in terms of action and product.

Well that’s it for this week. Be sure to check out A Dumass Thought when it’s up and posted sometime in the next day or so. Dumass is with out a doubt one of the best writers on the net today and a good portion of my writing style has been influenced by him.

As always remember take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it damn well has to be me {S Bob Grant

And now the Plugs

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WOW! ECW Diva Tiffany Looks STUNNING!!!

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