Wrestling in a Bottle: Bad Blood, TNA, current WWE storylines, and Rollerball? Details Inside
Submitted by Snapple on Saturday, June 19, 2004 at 10:51 PM EST



Welcome, wrestling brethren, to everyone's favorite wrap-up of the week in wrestling, Wrestling in a Bottle. I'm your host with the most, Snapple. Well, I did not do a column last week, because I simply did not feel inspired enough. Sure, I could've done Bad Blood predictions, but that was about the only interesting thing going on. Well that, and Bradshaw practicing his 'Heil Hitler' in front of some families in Germany. I'll get to Bradshaw and Bad Blood in a minute though.

Before I get to talking about actual wrestling, I want to say something about a movie I saw recently, called Rollerball. You might remember it. It was a movie about a futuristic sport which combines Rollerjam, soccer, and the old Nickelodeon show GUTS. It starred Chris Klein, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, Jean Reno, LL Cool J, and Paul Heyman. Yes, the same Paul Heyman who looks like he's about to pop an artery everytime he says "GORE! GORE! GORE!"

My problem with the movie is this. Paul Heyman's character as the play-by-play announcer (what a stretch) of Rollerball had the sixth most lines in the movie, I'm willing to bet. In fact, he actually gave an A performance. His comments and facial gestures really added to an otherwise mediocre movie, and it was actually a much more subdued and less spastic Paul Heyman than the one we see on television. Despite this, Paul Heyman is listed about 50th in the film's closing credits. They actually put the foreign announcers ahead of him in the credits, even though they all had two lines each. For a man who was such a big part of the movie, how could they not give him noticable credit? His screen credit is probably proportional to the ammount of money Paulie was being paid for his role. I'm guessing the movie was made around the time that ECW closed or maybe a few months after, so Paul was probably willing to do a demanding part for chickenfeed. Thus, he got gipped on the credits.

Well I will not let this stand, Mr. Hollywood Producers! I will make sure that everyone remembers Paul Heyman's performance in one of the most forgettable movies of the last five years. Then maybe, Paul will have better luck shopping for roles in future shitty wrestling movies, or perhaps a reprising role for Rollerball 2: Hawaiian Style.

Before I get started, I have to give a shout-out to the Greek goddess of love, beauty, and desire. The one best known as Aphrodite. Yes, it's true. The Greek gods exist, and they pay attention to professional wrestling. A little known fact about Aphrodite in particular is that she is, in fact, a geek.

Bad Blood Review

What a Bad Blood we had. I did watch the show, and right after it went off the air, I thought, "I am going to give this show a stinky grade." After I thought about it though, the show was actually good on the whole.

The match of the night was easily Benoit-Kane. I said going into this match that although Kane was 100% assured of losing and thus further burying his credibility, these two guys had the potential for a great match. Well, I tell you what. That's exactly what happened. If you're a person who can really appreciate excellent match psychology, this was the match for you. Benoit's technical know-how versus Kane's sheer strength was the story of the match. Benoit was able to single out Kane's body parts and take out his mobility, but Kane still powered out of just about anything Benoit threw at him. There were a lot of holds and counterholds. Eventually Kane was about to fight off a crossface when Benoit completely shifted the direction of his force to flip Kane into a cradle for the pin. This wasn't the typical WWE "Beat each other up until one stays down" match. This was a real match were these guys were trying to outwrestle each other, and Benoit ended up doing it. Great match.

Benjamin-Orton was my second favorite match of the night. That's not saying much, but it was LOADS better than their non-title encounter from two weeks ago, which was terrrrrible. I don't care what the main page post-Bad Blood report says, it would have made no sense for Orton to lose to Benjamin. Based on the build-up of the feud, Benjamin got the better of Orton at every single encounter. I dare say this feud made Orton look weaker than he did coming out of Backlash. Benjamin looked strong throughout but Orton got the win in the end. I'm really not that worried about the booking though. Both men will recover just fine if the WWE lets them. The only question is now how do we get the IC strap off Orton so he can move up the ranks without making him job to someone who's on a lower tier than him. The match was a little slow in the middle, but it started out with a solid brawl, and the shenanigans at the end when Flair came to the ring were just great.

The women's match was better than I thought it would be, but it was still too short for a four-person match. You should never cram that many people into one match unless you have the precious minutes to devote to it. Other than that, the women were on the most part playing their A game. It just didn't have the time to develop into anything worth a damn.

The tag match was average compared to the first encounter between La Resistance, Benoit, and Edge, I thought. A lot of that was probably because it wasn't as long as the first one and because of the DQ ending. I've noticed lately that matches ending in a DQ are usually sluggish. Take the HBK-Orton match from two RAWs ago. That was the worst HBK-Orton encounter of the... I think four that I've seen. I think it's because they knew it would end in a DQ and psychology didn't mean a lick.

Jericho vs. Anthrax Groupie (aka Tyson Tomko) was merely a filler match and very forgettable. I was just elated that they let Jericho beat the big goof cleanly though. This win doesn't do anything for Jericho since nobody cares about Tomko, but a loss here would have just broke my heart.

It's hard to rate Eugene-Coach as a match. This is why I'm glad I don't use a rating system. Benoit-Kane and Benjamin-Orton may have been the better two wrestling matches on the show, but I didn't treat this as a wrestling match. It was meant to be pure entertainment and an excuse to mark out for everything Eugene does. At that goal, I think they succeeded by far. Eugene rolling into a ball and Coach push him around was hilarious. I have just one thing to say about the girl who Coach had bring the cookie plat out: Wow. That girl was possibly the hottest woman I've seen on WWE television in years. The WWE must hire the cookie girl! Snapple demands it. If anyone knows who she is, email me. Anyway, if you're the kind of person who can stop taking wrestling seriously for ten minutes to be entertained by silly behavior, you'd enjoy this match. I did.

Based on the above, it's plain to see I really enjoyed three of the matches on the card, and the other three were inoffensive. So why was I about to trash the show as a whole Sunday night? Easy, because I had just seen the main event.

I've already gotten a lot of criticism for what I'm about to say on LOP's great forums. I've also had someone people feel exactly the way I do. I will controversially say though that this may have been the worst Hell in a Cell match ever. The only HIAC I've never seen was Undertaker-Bossman. I DID, however, see Kevin Nash vs. Triple-H. I debated for a week in my head whether HBK-HHH was worse than Nash-HHH. I think it might be, but just the fact that I'm even considering whether HBK gave a performance worse than Kevin Nash should speak a lot for this match.

I heard someone someone bitch to me that I don't appreciate the havoc these men put their bodies through for a match like that. Actually, I do. I don't think Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler do though, since they put this match over as the most brutal thing they'd ever seen. Lawler at one point during the match said, "I didn't think I'd ever say this about a Hell in a Cell, but we need to stop this match." That sentence makes my head want to explode, because anyone who CAN remember a single other Hell in a Cell match knows that these wrestlers have done much worse. Both of the times Foley fell from the top of the Cell, the match wasn't stopped. But oh no, Triple-H has HBK in a sleeper! This is brutal! We must stop the match!

There were no high-risk moves in this match. Hell, it was 15 minutes before anyone brought a damn weapon into the ring. It was 40 minutes before HBK finally brought out a ladder, and even then, the only ladder spot they used it for was weak. Weak, weak, weak. All I saw for 45 minutes were four or five chairshots, Triple-H flipping HBK over the top rope about a hundred times, and about 30 minutes of restholds. Oh wait, I forgot. They're not called restholds anymore. It's called "telling a story." Ha!

I was talking to fellow LOP writer Daveyboy (Read his column!) the other day, and he said I probably didn't like the match as much because I was judging the match as a Hell in a Cell match, and not just judging it as a match. Well, I think that is probably the best argument I've heard to the contrary of my opinion. However, I think we SHOULD judge the match compared to other Hell in a Cells.

Simply put, the WWE has run the Hell in a Cell gimmick into the ground. The whole concept behind its inception was that it is so brutal, so high risk, that it represents the pinnacle of a great feud. It should be the biggest, most dangerous match in a feud, because it's the blowoff. Now, that doesn't mean they have to do stupid Mock Foley stunts. It just has to have some kind of risk factor involved. For the ammount of hype they give Hell in a Cell as a career-shortener, it had better damn well deliver, or they need to stop shilling out the gimmick like desparate ratings candy. Take the HHH-Jericho Hell in a Cell. This is the perfect example of how a HIAC can not have a Mick Foley-type spot, and it can still be an absolutely brutal and wonderful match. The barbed wire, the lacerations, the chairshots, Jericho putting the Walls on Trips on top of the Cell, and finally the Pedigree on top of the Cell. It was brutal, but this wasn't.

Triple-H and HBK has a brutal streetfight at Summerslam 2002 that had bigger spots than Bad Blood, and the three stages of Hell at Armageddon was the exact same way. I enjoyed both of those matches a lot, so I'm not just being anti-Trips or anti-HBK. This sad, watered down excuse for a cage match was nothing more than a typical match from the days of the hardcore title, except it ran about 30 minutes too long. I was waiting for the cookie sheets and fire extinguishers to come out. Or maybe HBK would put on a bowling shirt and throw a ball between Hunter's nuts. It would've been appropriate to the level of energy these men put into the match.

Overall, I give Bad Blood a review that it was indeed watchable. I just hated the main event. The WWE seriously needs to not have another Cell match for at least two years, maybe longer. They need to wait until they can find a way to use the gimmick innovatively again, rather than as a tool to minimally increase buyrates on a weak PPV card like they're doing.

What's Your Story?

Just like I promised, I haven't been watching Smackdown! It's been surprisingly easy to stop watching it, as I just really don't care for the storylines or wrestling at all. The Dudleys-Undertaker thing was interesting, but I read the results and am baffled over the booking of an Undertaker vs. Dudleys match. Okay, so Heyman made the match so Taker could lay down for the Dudleys? What would that prove? If Taker is turning heel anyway, Smackdown just wasted three of their biggest stars in a heel vs heel match that makes no sense at all.

So Bradshaw and Eddie have a bullrope match, even though nobody wanted to see a first encounter, let alone a rematch. On the last episode of Smackdown I saw, Bradshaw was running his mouth about how the rules of this match mean there will be a decisive winner. Well that's crap, because do you know what I see? I see a way for Bradshaw to lose without being pinned. Then Bradshaw will come right out the week after the PPV and say, "That loss didn't count, because Eddie can't pin me." It's just like how the WWE has made triple-threat matches completely incredulous. Sure, Benoit won the world title match at Wrestlemania and Backlash, but what happened right afterwards? Triple-H said he only lost because the odds were stacked against him, and that he could beat Benoit one-on-one. HBK said the exact same thing. "Sure, you made me tap out cleanly at Backlash, but you've never beaten me one-on-one." They hype up gimmicky matches like this, then immediately after they happen, they discredit them completely to protect the people who lost. I'm tired of that crap.

Onto shows I actually watch, RAW was interesting this week. There were only four matches on the entire show, and two of them were women's matches. There is just no excuse for that. Of course, they had to make room for a ten minute Joe Schmoe commercial, as well as another five minutes on the diva search contest, and another ten minutes of HBK being wheeled out on a stretcher. Let's not forget ten minutes on clips from the Hell in a Cell match that I'd already seen. Well gee, what a way to reward me, the loyal viewer who actually paid the WWE money to see their show. Now I get to suffer twice.

Some of the sports entertainment aspects of the show were good though. I thought the Kane beatdown of HBK was stupendous. That could be a good match at Summerslam. Too bad Kane will probably lose again. The reason Kane is feuding with Matt Hardy is because both of them are the only two guys on the RAW roster with losing streaks big enough to make them equals. Still, Undertaker and HBK had some great matches. Surely then, Taker's younger and more talented "brother" should be able to have even better matches with HBK, theoretically.

The one thing I know everyone's shaking their head over is Lita's pregnancy. Here's a spoiler for all the completely oblivious people out there. Kane is the daddy! Yes, leave it to Snapple to speak the obvious. Yet at the same time, the WWE will expect us to be completely shocked when Lita unveils the truth about her big red baby. For the newer viewers to wrestling, let me explain something that the rest of us have unfortunately learned the hard way. Pregnancy angles always bomb, big time. The two that always spring to the top of my mind first are Mae Young giving birth to a hand, which I unfortunately remember as clear as day, and Stacy Keibler getting knocked up by David Flair. This was the angle that actually caused David and Miss Hancock to "break kayfabe" (damn Russo), and thus Miss Hancock revealed that her name was actually Stacy Keibler. This led to some convoluted feud between Buff Bagwell and David Flair that's best not repeated, ever. Well now, David Flair becomes Matt Hardy, and Buff Bagwell becomes Kane. Same scenario, same nobody caring. Rinse and repeat. The WWE never learns.

The main event of RAW completely made up for the lack of wrestling in the rest of the show though. Holy cow, that match probably went on 35 minutes, most of that was after RAW was scheduled to go off the air. In short, that was the best six-man match I've seen all year. The only shortcoming of the match was the ending where the Sharpshooter got all sloppy (probably Orton's fault, I admit), but even that's forgivable. All six people in that match turned in great performances, even Edge, Flair, and Batista, who were all wrestling a much poorer game one-two months ago. All six guys deserve credit for that match.

NWA-Total Nonstop Snapple

Well this week was another quality episode of TNA. The thing I love best about NWA-TNA is that even when they have bad shows, they're still better than what Smackdown has been lately. A week ago Wednesday was not one of their best shows, but this past Wednesday's was a great show from top to bottom.

A lot of people have been upset that Chris Harris and particularly AJ Styles have been depushed in the past few weeks back to their original divisions, the tag division and the X division. I really don't mind it that much though. For AJ, he's putting over the X Division all over again for a new audience on Impact. AJ is the original Mr. X Division, so hopefully he'll bring some rub back to that division. It's not even like AJ is going back to the NWA's version of the Intercontinental Title, because the X Division is an entity of its own. AJ is still going to be main eventing shows, just with a different belt around his waste. Besides, I'm sure that all it'll take is another screwjob loss to get AJ right back in the main event. If there is no room for AJ in the main event, this is the next best thing for him right now.

As for Chris Harris, he'll be fine, too. Even though the tag division is often booked badly (not as bad as the WWE's though), America's Most Wanted always receive a lot of attention. They are the closest thing American wrestling has to a modern-day version of the Roadwarriors. They make being in a tag team look like an important thing, and just because they're stuck in a tag team doesn't mean they look like weak singles competitors. Harris proved that in the last six months when he made a run for the main event, and I have no doubts one or both of them can do the same thing again anytime they want to.

I'm really unsure whether I want the Team NWA vs. Team Canada feud to end. On one hand, the feud has been driven into the ground. They already had a big payoff match in the World X Cup, and now their battles are becoming redundant. On the other hand, these matches are still producing some of the best American wrestling right now. Jerry Lynn, Chris Sabin, Elix Skipper, and the wonderful guys on Team Canada; that's a recipe for good action.

I totally did not understand why Raven challenged Sabu to a match last week, but now that they've explained the whole "promise to the Sheik" thing, I get it. Raven's mind-games have really got me interested though. It really stinks about his busted rib though. I hope that doesn't slow him down too much, but he's going to be in pain for a good two months.

If anyone has Fox Sports Net and access to a television at 3 pm on Fridays, they really need to see Impact. I still haven't seen it because I don't get that channel, but honestly, I didn't even realize how badly I needed an alternative to the WWE until I first saw NWA-TNA.

Ask Triple-H

HHH: Well it's another week, and I must say I am so banged up from that Hell in a Cell match. I've gotten such a great response from Vince and other people that matter, like Jim Ross and HBK. So I know I did well. I did get this phone call from Kevin Nash though. He told me that I was moving around the ring so slowly on Sunday that I made him look like a marathon runner. Just goes to show what he knows. Running a marathon is about pace and endurance, not speed. Besides, I'm soooo sorry I don't move like a luchadore like you, Kevin. Crazy WCW guys. Let's read the letter.

Yo, Triple H:

Through all the ups and downs, I have been a fan of yours a while. Heck, I even made a short film about how big a fan I am of you. But I must ask you this, what are your thoughts on the current condition of Smackdown! and can you please use your influence to make that show better. I guarantee that helping Smackdown! will only make Raw all that much better.

Thanks man,
Your fan,
Nav

HHH: Hey, what do you know! Snapple actually let me read a letter from one of my FANS for once, instead of the usual incoherent hate mail from some 12-year old. And gee, he's actually asking for my opinion on something other than myself. It's like someone finally understands the concept of my weekly segment. That pleases me.

HHH: Now, as for Smackdown, I do have a few ideas that will make it better for certain.

1. Use Rob Van Dam to put over more seasoned wrestlers, like Rikishi and Bradshaw.

2. Rehire Ron Simmons and put him in a blockbuster feud with Rob Van Dam, including every kind of gimmick match you can think of. After RVD loses to Ron cleanly about three or four times, fire Ron Simmons again. This is the kind of unpredictability that will keep the fans on their toes, like in WCW's heyday.

3. Have Rob Van Dam job to Booker T.

4. Immediately after having Booker T beat RVD, let Booker job to Bradshaw.

5. Turn Michael Cole heel and promote him to the active roster. There's a lack of big name talent on that show, and Cole is a household name.

6. Job Booker T and Rob Van Dam to Michael Cole in a 2-on-1 handicapped match.

HHH: If all goes according to plan, we should have a fantastic main event for Summerslam: An Elimination Chamber match between Eddie Guerrero, Bradshaw, Rikishi, Michael Cole, Rico, and Rob Van Dam's paycheck. Well there you have it. Guaranteed buyrates for Summerslam, and all it would take is a little creative planning. That's all for this week, geeks.

Final Thought

Let me think of what we've learned this week. A match should not be put under a Cell if they don't want the wrestlers to take risks, Rollerball will live forever, NWA-TNA is better than Smackdown, wrestlers need to use protection in bed, and Triple-H is a little too eager to become a full-time booker. By the way, I got a ton of feedback from my last column on the letter to the WWE, and I'm glad to say that about 98% of it was positive. The was only one person who disagreed with me, and he promptly told me to have sex with other contributers of LOP in cruder language. So you guys rule. I expect negative email from this column though, probably disagreeing with Bad Blood, but that's okay. I'm a columnist for a reason. I have an opinion, and no, it's not the end-all be-all of wrestling judgment. I'm just right MOST of the time. Feel the ego drip off that last sentence. Until next week, take care.

-Snapple

Send me some feedback, whydontcha? happydude5000@msn.com

Letters for Triple-H should include the phrase "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.








*NEW GALLERY* Very HOT Photos of Alicia Webb aka X-Pac's Sexy Girlfriend!

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