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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, June 18, 2004 at 2:05 AM EST Turnbuckle Tailgate - Lighten Up Pardon Me While I Try To Collect My Thoughts Into A Bar Rag Hey yo, it's me, it's yours truly, Dubzilla with more alcohol content than the extract of vanilla. I'm telling, I'm having a hard time watching the WWE as of late. TNA or some other form of competition needs a free weekly prime time slot to mix it up and make things interesting once again. I've had to take up a new hobby while I watch wrestling to keep my attention. I've taken a liking to numismatics or the stock term, coin collecting. I don't collect coins because shiny pennies are cool or because buffalo-headed nickels are really rare, I do it because I'm poor and I like to possess a respectable form of greed that promotes humility. Some people clean their coins, I like to keep it real, real dirty. I like to soak my coins in generic soda. A different flavor for each day of the week. Then when a rainy day comes along or I decide to go out on the town, I fill up a tube sock and go to one of my favorite places, the strip club. Boy, do they love me there. They call me "Jingle Jangle" because of all the coinage that I carry. I go up to my favorite dancer and I spackle the change on various body parts. I encourage another stripper to engage in HLA by collecting the coin and then licking the body parts. She then proceeds to guess the flavor of soda. She would say something along the lines of "oh, orange" and I'm like "enggg, wrong, it's black cherry, thanks for playing "What's That Soda, Jerk?" You get a bottle of Listerine, you are gonna need it, toots.". There's some material for fans of my random brand of odd comedy. I'll be at least twice a month, sometimes I'll do a show for the troops free of charge. That's the best way to promote patriotism, look good in the process and make up an excuse why you aren't gonna make a profit. Sounds familiar, Great American Bash What? Boy, the WWE is missing Steve Austin, Brock Lesnar, The Rock, Bill Goldberg, Hulk Hogan and Chyna right now. Well maybe not Chyna unless they could milk another Playboy out of her. That next can't miss power player will appear, just listen to the fans, but don't listen to the fans. It will happen just like morning wood, don't force the issue, but keep it in the back of your brain. Enough of this idealogical jibber jabber, I have to drag my feet through the mud and spit out a column like 4th grader trying to get rid of his retainer while trying to make out behind the gymnasium at the school dance. We'll I'll be pop rocks and pixie sticks, it's raining candy and it's too sticky sweet. Speaking of sugar, can I get a witness when I say these Atkins diet clowns need to give it a rest. Carb counting is ridiculous, it only makes you anal-retentive, irritable and indolent. By removing the sugars from your diet, you are only compounding a problem most people that choose to diet have already and it's laziness. Fat people are lazy, that's not a hasty generalization, folks. Atkins is dead and it's an uphill battle when you try to eat a sandwich without the bread. Burgers need buns and I need a nice Black & Tan before I start going off on a politcial rant. Wait a minute, I don't watch the news or read the newspaper. My philosophy on this is that if it's really that important, somebody who's got nothing better to start or keep a conversation going with current events will tell me about in a stimulating discussion where I will proceed to change the subject. Why because people are startled by change and it keeps them on their toes. Let's quickly get the newcomers that haven't stopped reading this dirt rag just yet up to speed on the order of operations. Math is all about balance, but the Tailgate isn't, but I'll try to equate it all so it seems to make sense. Black & Tan (compare and contrast two things, choose one, perhaps) + Pub Crawl (pro wrestling potpourri) + Bar Napkin Scribblings (stream of conscious thoughts) + Monty Hall (free form Dub-Z's choice of subject matter) = The square root of the derivative of the hypotenuse of Arn Anderson - Ricky Morton over a tope con hilo. For those of you that are still confused, make some flash cards. I've been thinking about the state of wrestling right now. So have many people I've talked to on the Internet. Same goes for my friends in reality. I catch up with a lot of old friends from high school and college who used to watch wrestling religiously. Nowadays, they don't watch as much. Is it because they've outgrown wrestling? I think not, I think it's more of they either don't have time or don't feel the reason to make time to watch it anymore. My first couple of forays on the main page here, I took my Monty Hall segment and tried to analyze how wrestling can gain from reworking popular trends on TV. People are watching TV more than ever, they have more choices to view. There's a boatload of wrestling programming to watch, but is there too much or not enough? Depends on how you look at the issue. Give me that sweet Guinness/Bass hybrid, ye olde barkeep. Black - Too Much It seems like the WWE is on every night of the week with broadcast, cable and syndicated programming. A lot of it is centered on RAW and SmackDown, but more and more of it is becoming highlights. I thought brand extension was supposed to be about competition yet each brand recognizes the other with a rebound/rewind clip segment highlighting the last episode of the other. Each brand has a couple of important moments every week, but a lot of it is just fluff. The GAB is in ten days, but only three matches have been announced with plenty of Diva on the side. The bone I have to pick with there being too much programming is in essence the same with not enough programming. That is there's a lot of waste, it's like our ecosystem. Too much waste and shit is gonna blow up. Tan - Not Enough How do you argue the other side of the coin if each side has a similar problem. Well, it's a catch-22 and tangled ball of yarn at that. The kitty can play with it, but soon it gets sick of the same old song and dance. It will move on, that's where the nature of competition comes into play. The WWE has no direct competition so it's tried to create it within itself. The fission of the whole hasn't been successful. Like I said, most of the WWE programming is highlights and filler. How do you create a buzz? You get loud and make some noise. You need to get bigger and badder, but it's better when you have an audience that is enthralled. I believe the casual fan watches wrestling because they want to be entertained. They may be entertained, but can you keep their attention? If there isn't enough wrestling, then there are just long periods of chatter. Short attention span theater has finally bit the WWE in the ass. A 15 minute JBL promo about losing his gig on CNBC isn't gonna cut the mustard, kiddies. What a bad cliche, but it makes sense if you cut the sandwich, you are essentially cutting the mustard. Bartender's Choice - Too Much or Not Enough? So I know what your saying to yourselves. "Hey Dubzilla, you make a lot of interesting points, sure they lack organization or central purpose, so what I'm trying to say is, what's your point?" I don't know, I'm just trying to think and it ain't easy when you are drinking Incredible Hulks (The T-Squared Drink Du Jour - Hpnotiq & Hennessy - Light Blue and Brown turns Green, it's amazing and very tasty). Depending on how you approach the situation, the answer could go either way. There's a lot of wasted time and a lack of viable competition for the WWE so I say it's a push. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Bloody Mary - If You Don't Know What I'm About To Discuss Here, Here's Your Sign What can I say about Bad Blood that hasn't already been said. The consensus gets redundant. Plant the seeds for Chris Benoit versus Edge down the line. HHH and HBK beat the living hell out of each other. Trish Stratus won the Women's Title, forget about the man you once had feelings for Chris Jericho. Watch Joe Schmo 2, Spike TV really wants you to, really badly. Lita might have Kane's baby or will she? I got a feeling the WWE is gonna get all Maury Povich on our collective asses. Kane, you are not the father. Matt Hardy, you are not the father. Well Maury, if it isn't one of the two people that diddled me hardcore, than who is it. Let's bring him out. It's Doink The Clown. God Bless The Spanish Fly. I'm not talking about the finishing move of Jose and Joel Maximo either. I kid, I kid. Screwdriver - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye Senior Father's Day is around the corner and it would be tough for me to lament the Chavo Classic's C Dub Title loss to Rey Misterio on SmackDown. It was inevitable, word on the street is that he was no-showing house shows and such. His run was good while it lasted, he helped out his son. I got to meet the guy briefly after a SmackDown in Boston at a Hooters during a snowstorm this past March. He is quite the character, I bought him a beer. What can I say, it pays to be a superstar. They spend all the time on the road trying to entertain you and I, that's the least I could do for him, Akio and Paul London. Anyway, as much we all bitch about how veterans take the spotlight away from the youth, they have a purpose. As long as they add something worthwhile to the show, I give them their due. Chavo Classic was a perfect example of how it can be done. The Turnbuckle Tailgate proudly does a keg stand for Guerrero Sr.. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet I got nothing, sorry. My favorite game show host should be most excellent though. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Funner Than Drinking From A Slop Bucket - The Wrestling Drinking Game Being that this is the 75th time I've ever written this column and that's an important number because it's a multiple of 5 and 25, I figured I would bring back an ol' favorite of many of my loyal readers. Those that have read my stuff in the LOP Columns Forum may remember good ol' editions 9, 21 and 67 where I did a version of this. I was inspired by love of drinking and watching wrestling simultaneously. Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Sandman and The APA are amongst the few and proud pioneers that like to drink before, during and after a wrestling match. On current televised wrestling, their characters are dead to us, but their legacy in inebriation will live on in our memories. I think the drinking portion of the audience needs a new hero in the squared circle, it's time for someone to step up posthaste. Anyone that drinks knows that sometimes it is fun to find an excuse to get drunk faster. You've probably heard of drinking games for your favorite movie or tv show and even for pro wrestling. Here is my version of the Wrestling Drinking Game. Previously, it was straight up WWE, but I've added some TNA rules for all you NWA fans out there. I've also updated and added some new rules as well. The great thing about the game is that you can make up your own rules as you wish. The game is always changing, plus it's a good way to get hammered real quick and forget about how shitty some of the wrestling that you are watching may be. Without further ado, I think rap impresarios DC The Reigning Supreme and Steve Bollin, Tag Team put it best when they said, "Whoomp, There It Is". Hip hop along now, you've got some drinking to do. I know some of you don't drink, whether it be religious reasons, social reasons (you just joined a cult or AA or both, AA may just be a cult, they got that 12 step program (then again you might be straight edge, those of you that read my last column, straight edge doesn't suck, I was being sarcastic and I respect your lifestyle)) or financial reasons, there's always a season or time of day to get down with the sickness and enjoy the many varieties of Nyquil. Day or night, it's just the thing to put you in the right frame of mind to play the game. You gotta love Lewis Black and his insane brand of comedy. Once - If there is a backstage interview. Twice - If it's being conducted by a Diva and and she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist. Six Pack - If it's Josh Matthews and he displays so much trepidation, he may soil himself. Case - If it's Todd Grisham and you wish it were a Diva. Drink every time you see the exploitation of an injury or a handicap. Drink twice if it involves a cast. Drink three times if it involves a wheelchair. Drink a six pack if it appears to not be temporary (ala Zack Gowen and the Eugene character). Once - Eugene acts silly. Twice - Eugene impersonates another wrestler. Thrice - Eugene does a wrestling maneuver flawlessly. Drink every time a wrestler acts out of character (i.e. tries to be someone or do something that is out of the ordinary). Once - Paul Heyman makes a statement. Twice - If he's wearing a hat. Six-Pack - If he doesn't seem sinister. Drink every time a wrestler has to use a prop to get over (it can be a person, an animal or an inanimate object). Take a shot of liquor every time you see a Diva in her underwear. Drink a double shot if it's a thong. Drink a whole case, if it's Mae Young. Drink if Randy Orton wins a singles match. Drink twice if his opponent has to do his damndest to make him look like a million bucks. Drink three times if it's a non-title match. Drink a six pack, he wins the match without any outside interference. Drink every time there's a match on RAW that's not a singles match. Drink twice if it features combatants that regularly team together. Drink three times, if the match doesn't feature La Resistance. Once - If you see a wrestler with a visible tattoo. Twice - If it's a new tattoo. Three - If it's a female. Six Pack - If the female isn't Lita. Drink a double shot if a Diva returns from a considerable absence (i.e. injury). Drink the whole bottle if her breasts are noticeably larger due to augmentation surgery. Drink every time you watch a commercial during a WWE broadcast that shameless plugs a WWE related product or production. Drink twice if you keep on seeing an advertisement for a Spike TV or UPN program. Drink a six pack if the commercial plugs a video game, newly released DVD/VHS movie, an anti-drug campaign, condoms, bodybuilding powders, energy drinks, ephedra free weight loss pills, fast food, soda or candy. Line up a row of shots if you see an ad for sexually related medicines (Viagra, Valtrex), adult health products (Maxipads, Metamucil) or any product that is aimed at people over the hill instead of kids, teens and the twenty something set. Estimated Show Rating (i.e. 3.6 sips) - During the opening credits of either show. Double that if you see and injured superstar in the credits ala Mark Henry. Once - If you see a singles match between women or cruiserweights. Twice - If it's a tag match and half of them are women or 3 out of 4 are cruisers. Six Pack - If the match doesn't involve Victoria, Rey Mysterio or The Amazing Red. If you are with a large group of people, drink a waterfall (stand up and get in a circle and keep drinking until the person before you stops, the first person that can stop is at the twelve o'clock position in regards to your TV set) every time Bubba Dudley comes out to wrestle a match without knee pads. Once - A wrestler appears to compete that is either green, a jobber or a rookie. Twice - If it's their debut. Drink a third when they lose. Drink four if it's TNA and they win. Once - You see an alumnus from Tough Enough. Twice - If it's Nidia and she loses a match. Three - If you see them in TNA. Six Pack - If it's Johnny Nitro and he wins a match. Case - If they didn't originally win a Tough Enough contract and their name isn't Josh Matthews. Drink twice everytime you see a tag team consisting of a Caucasian and an African-American (a white guy and a black guy). Drink double that if you aren't watching SmackDown. Once - If a part time wrestler wrestles (i.e. Ric Flair, The Rock) Twice - If the part timer was in the heyday of their career before 1993 i.e. Pat Patterson or Brooklyn Brawler. Six Pack - If the wrestler is Sgt. Slaughter. Once - If you see a Mattitudism (i.e. Matt doesn't like mustard). Six Pack - If he actually wins the match. Once - If Rey Misterio pops up from underneath the staging set. Six Pack - If he actually enters through the curtain instead. Once - If Eddy Guerrero arrives to the ring in a pimped out lowrider. Twice - If he actually enters walking through the curtain. Drink a shot every time a wrestler comes out towards the ring or ramp and they aren't wearing their ring gear (non-wrestlers don't count). Drink every time JBL offends you, if you think he's funny, drink until the commercial break. Drink a shot everytime a wrestler pimps out WWE merchandise. Drink a double shot if there's related linkage to the WWE ShopZone. Once - If a limo pulls up backstage in the parking area. Twice - If the limo is black or is white and has horns on it. Three - If there's only one person getting out of the limo. Six Pack - If it's not Vince McMahon getting out of the limo. Drink a waterfall if it's someone that's making their first or surprise appearance. Drink every time property gets destructed. Drink every time someone bleeds, drink double if it's not Ric Flair or Shawn Michaels. Drink every time the wrestling action spills out into the crowd. Once - A foreign object is used. Twice - If it's not a table, a steel chair or the steel ring steps. Six Pack - If it's a speciality item like John Cena's chain links or HHH's sledgehammer. Line up a row of shots, if it something that's out of the ordinary and makes you mark out. Drink a waterfall if the finish of a match makes you get out of your seat and say "Bullshit". Drink everytime the crowd chants "What?", "You Suck", or "Shave Your Back". Twice if it's an original chant. Drink everytime there's a close fall like a 2 count or a wrestler fights out of a submission hold or beats a 10 count. Six Pack - If the chant is "ECW, ECW, ECW". Drink everytime you see a sign that makes you laugh. Drink twice if you see a sign that is misspelled. Drink everytime NWA-TNA reminds you of ECW. Drink two times every time they use a weapon in a match. Drink a six pack if it's Raven's Clockwork Orange House Of Fun. Once - If Triple H spits water. Twice - If Ric Flair is riding his coattails. Once - If a hoss like A-Train wrestles. Twice - If he wins. Once - If Lawler gets perverted. Twice - If JR refers to Oklahoma. Once - If Tazz uses a cliche like tomato or rocketbuster. Twice - If Michael Cole is resultingly confused. Once - If Don West sounds out of breath. Twice - If Mike Tenay doesn't make sense. Once - If someone uses a move that is high risk or you have never seen before. Twice - If the announcers can't name it but they try to describe it. Three times if you are watching TNA and Mike Tenay can identify it. Six Pack - If even Tenay can't explain the move. Once - If you think of a Tony Schiavone cliche. Six Pack - If you picture him saying it. Once - If someone in wrestling has dies and they give them the preshow picture of silence. Twice - If they devote a video package to them ala Mr. Perfect. Once - If you see John Cena rap. Twice - If you see someone else who thinks they can rap better than him. Six Pack - If Referee Brian Hebner is beatboxing for the aforementioned rap wannabe. Once - If you would not cheer the team on Cena's throwback attire. Twice - If the player or team jersey that he dons emanates from your hometown team or a team that you root for on a regular basis. Drink everytime he mentions someone else, wrestling or non-wrestling related in his raps. Line up a row of shots if he's not wearing a throwback and he's being the Shopzone's bitch. Once - If you see an interview segment like Chris Jericho's Hi-Lite Reel. Twice - If a fight or some sort of fracas occurs between the guests and/or the host. Six Pack - If the set gets destroyed by the guests. Drink a waterfall every time a non-comedic wrestler does a comedy bit (ala Brock Lesnar and the mariachi band). Drink for as long as you feel it is unjust if any ethnic wrestler appears and abuses their stereotype i.e. Eddy Guerrero, FBI, La Resistance, etc.. Drink an additional shot if you descend from the same background. Drink two shots if you see a wrestler waving a flag. Drink three if it's not the US flag. Drink twice if Eddy Guerrero lies, cheats or steals. Drink four if he gets someone else to do likewise. Once - If Cole, Tazz, Matthews or Bill DeMott cannot tell the Basham Brothers apart. Twice - If you can't tell them apart. Six Pack - If you can tell them apart and you call Danny "Damaja". Once - If you see the outside the building the WWE show is going on in. Twice - If a wrestler refers to the city, state and/or arena that they are in. Three - If the wrestler isn't The Rock or Mick Foley or John Cena. Six Pack - If Jim Ross supplies biographical info about a wrestler regardless of its relevance. Drink every time they announce ticket sale dates at the bottom of the screen. Drink a row of shots if they don't go on sale when they said they would. Drink a liter of your favorite liquor and run around the streets in the buff, if they come to your local stomping grounds. Drink if they put something on the bottom of the screen and you can't read it (you may be drunk by now). Drink a six pack if they blatantly advertise ticket sales in a 30-60 second commercial for an event coming to your area. Drink double that if it will be a televised event ala RAW or SmackDown. Drink everytime you see something related to wrestling on a non-wrestling related show. Drink a waterfall if there's a wrestling special on TV that's not aired on a regular basis. Drink once per pound for every pound you outweigh a particular wrestler (i.e. Andre The Giant weighed approx. 500 lbs., drink 5 times if you weigh 505 lbs.) Drink once if you live in the same state, country, province, principality, continent, planet or within 50 miles of said wrestler (this one is flexible as you'd like it to be). Once - If you see a title belt Twice - If you see two title belts Three - If you see a cup trophy Six Pack - If you see another type of award that isn't a belt or a trophy Six Pack - If Cheesy Nu Metal is hyped as the theme song for the next PPV. Metal was best when you actually believed the bassist ate nails and shit steaks. They jumped the shark when they were more concerned with the amount of AquaNet in their hair then the amount of poontang they got. Thanks a lot, Warrant. Drink the buyrate when they hype all the matches for the next PPV. Six Pack - When you see a good video package, lament the fact that it never looks good in real time. Do a shot if a wrestler decides to dance. Line up a row of shots if it's not Booker T, Rikishi, Scotty 2 Hotty, 3 Live Kru, Jack Evans or Victoria. Once - A wrestler goes for their finisher. Twice - If the match doesn't end by pin or submission afterwards. Six Pack - If they fuck it up somehow. Once - If there's a title match. Twice - If the title changes hands. Six Pack - If it's the SmackDown US Title. Case - If it's the RAW World Heavyweight Title. Once - Don West says "What In The World?" Twice - Don West goes apeshit over a spot. Three times if you see Don West and he's wearing the same colored tie as his shirt and they are both silk (basically every time you see him on camera). Drink four times if Mike Tenay repeats something within two minutes time in commentary. Drink every time a TNA superstar speaks and displays poor grammar. Drink twice if you would deem them a redneck. Drink every time you see David Young and he has that deer in the headlights look on his face. Drink a case if he has a match and gets the W. Drink a six pack if Kid Kash gets a haircut and his hair is less than shoulder length. Drink as many as you want when you see anyone named Vince (Russo or McMahon) doing a bad job of sports entertaining. Drink two times everytime you see ring announcer Jeremy Borash try to get the crowd to make some noise during a match. Drink three times when Jeremy announces a title match when he uses the words "current, reigning and defending" to describe the champion. Once - Every time a wrestler debuts on TNA. Twice - If they are competing in the X Division. Six Pack - If the debutee marks a surprise appearance by a wrestler from the recent past (i.e. was in WWF/WWE, WCW or ECW within the last 5 years) Case - If the surprise is from an old time legend who hasn't been in the spotlight for at least 5 years. Drown In Denouement Thank goodness, it's Friday. I'm spent like cup full of tokens at a slot machine. Come on seven, baby. I'm gonna do this one more time. I'd like to get more feedback on this. If I don't, I'll probably make a some silly assumptions based on a handful of responses.As my favorite wrestling drunk, Scott Hall used to say, "It's time to take a survey." Now I'm not asking you if you came here to see WCW or the NWO. I'm asking you this: Alcoholic or Non-Alcoholic, list the top 3 beverages you drink while you watch wrestling; live, televised or on VHS/DVD? You can be as specific or as vague you want. You can tell me a little bit about yourself at the very least where you are from. I like to know where my readership comes from. Plus it helps me understand possibly the rationale behind the responses. Thanks for reading what I wrote. Until next time, this isn't Dick Clark, it's Dub-Z, ahhhh, Bermulloch...................... Send Feedback Here- dubzilla55@aol.com I enjoy hearing from you, regardless. Another AOL screen name I have is jacksonham. Don't send mail there, I get a lot of junk mail at that handle. Hit me up on the Instant Messenger if you're feeling it. LOP Columns Forum Go check out some inspiring columns courtesy of the likes of Tinaali, Valleyboy, Julian Phoenix, YourAyatollah, RandomGuy#5, XanMan, Nerves Normal, SteJ and the return of Brendan Campbell plus others. Check out the other columns on Lords Of Pain dot Net: The Wrath Of Tito, The Wrestling Menu, Wrestling In A Bottle, Breaking The Walls Down, Ridin' With The Bossman, Stuck In The Middle With You, The Rant Of The Week, A Dumass Thought, Let It Snow and Take Up Thy Wrestling Boots And Walk.
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