Wrestling in a Bottle: Judgment Day, Smackdown, and NWA-TNA Reveries
Submitted by Snapple on Sunday, May 30, 2004 at 12:11 AM EST



Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of Wrestling in a Bottle, the only column that goes on extreme haitus without notice and then comes back like its not even sorry. What a bastard, this column is. I'm your host, Snapple. So you might have noticed that it's been a few weeks since the last installment of WIAB, and I have to say I never intended on leaving people hanging. Basically, my sophomore year at the Univerity of Texas is now complete, and I took up all my worldly belongings from my dorm and packed them in my car. My destination was my mother's new apartment in Orlando, Florida, where I am now spending my summer. After an 18.5 hour drive, I came to find out that my internet wouldn't be hooked up for an entire week after I got there. Then, once I got the internet working, the power cord on my computer broke, and I had to order a new one via mail, because Dell makes obscure parts that you can only buy directly from them. So I have been completely out of touch with the internet world during this time, and even now, I'm writing this article late as it is.

Sorry for the lengthy explanation, but I thought it was deserved. I HAVE been keeping up with wrestling, however, so never anyone fret that the Snapple man has fallen behind the times. I even caught the latest NWA-TNA PPV for the first time since Christmas, and I can't wait to run down my thoughts, as well as Judgment Day thoughts, since I was one of the five people who actually saw the show.

Judgment Day Thoughts

Okay, so I actually spent my $18 to see Judgment Day. For those who were wondering, the webcast is half the cost of getting it on television. Anyway, one of the biggest things I heard is that the show was nowhere near as bad as it looked on paper. If that's true, then why did that show make me want to break down and cry? Take a match like Chavo vs. Jackie for example. Sure, Chavo won his title back. That was the best possible outcome, but it was still a travesty that Chavo even needed to win his title back from a horrible woman wrestler like Jackie anyway. Not only did he lose his title, but we lost the potential for a great cruiserweight match at Judgment Day. Chavo versus just about any cruiserweight on the roster could have been a great match. Instead, we got crap.

John Cena vs. Rene Dupree was hailed by some as being better than expected. I also agree it was better than I expected out of these two bad, HORRIBLE wrestlers. However, better than expected unfortunately still means it was not a good match, in my book anyway. The best part of the match was a nasty spill that Cena took to the floor when he launched himself at Dupree, but Frenchie moved out of the way. That HAD to hurt. Other than that, I liked the psychology of the ending of the match. Everything else was pretty lame.

The main event had a DQ. Isn't that enough to piss people off in this already horrible card? I admit the match was better than I expected, and surprisingly good to watch, but it was very obvious that it was a COMPLETE carry job by Eddie. Either Eddie was totally on offense, dragging Bradshaw around the ring, or Eddie was leading Bradshaw until he let himself get countered, and then sold like a champ. The chair shot was sick, to the point that dare I say Bradshaw got a little careless. Then of course, the DQ completely spoiled the ending.

The WORST part of the show though was watching poor Booker T, the BEST thing on Smackdown lately, have to job cleanly to the Undertaker, a man who clearly doesn't need a win to give himself credibility. I believe Tito said it best once when he said that the Undertaker could lose ten PPVs in a row and still be a legitimate main eventer, just because he's the Undertaker. It's so true, and I wish the WWE would follow that logic more often. I honestly thought that Mordecai would screw Taker out of the match and let Booker get a cheap win. Then, everyone involved would look strong, but noooo, they had to humiliate Booker.

Okay, granted that Booker T has a rematch with Taker next week, but you know what? It's not on the PPV. Undertaker won the PPV, and Booker MIGHT win on television. If you think that will make up for Booker's loss, tell me this. When I mention HBK vs. Jericho, what springs into your mind? The Wrestlemania 19 match, or the rematch four months later on RAW? Wrestlemania of course. Nobody will remember that Jericho beat HBK in the rematch. They'll only recall Michaels' win at the big show.

There was ONE match at Judgment Day that I truly enjoyed. ONLY ONE. That was Mordecai's debut. You might say to me, it was a squash match, and you'd be mostly right. You might say to me, Mordecai is way too gimmicky, and you might be right about that too. However, I challenge that twelve years ago, a character like Mordecai would have gone over HUGE. Really, the Undertaker is just as campy, actually MORE campy right now that Mordecai will ever be, because Mordecai at least isn't pretending to be a zombie. Still, he's mystical and powerful. I love the retro feel of his entrance, and the all-white outfit is just pimpin'. His moveset doesn't seem to be that bad, and his wrestling style is a LOT like a younger Undertaker. I don't think this is a coincidence. After this debut, I really hope Mordecai doesn't disappear off our television after he jobs to the Undertaker (which we all know will happen eventually). I think, if booked right (which is a HUGE if), Mordecai could take the torch as the new Undertaker when Mark Calloway retires. I don't mean he'll literally become the Undertaker. I mean he could fill Taker's role in the WWE, of the semi-invincible mystical campy character that fans love to see win.

Overall, a man with bleached hair wasn't nearly enough to make me want to see this show. It was absolutely horrible, and I have a feeling the Great American Bash will suck just as bad. We'll have to see how the card shapes up.

What's Your Story?

I have lost all faith in Smackdown! Period. The show does nothing for me anymore, since Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, Chavo Guerrero, and Booker T are all being completely WASTED on a weekly basis. I have given up completely. Actually, there is one thing Smackdown! can give me, and that's the one feud that will please me no matter what: Undertaker vs. Bradshaw. Oh man, I would love to see that. Why? Because they are the two most spot-hogging worthless pieces of crap on that show. I would love to see them feud and bury each other. I would love to see them try to have a match without someone helping to carry either of them. It would be HORRIBLE, and I would laugh while Smackdown! went down the drain.

I also crack up every time Kurt ominously rising from beneath the stage on his wheelchair. I don't even know what to make of that, but it's cartoony television.

During the lumberjack match on Smackdown!, I noticed that Booker T singled out John Cena a lot during the match. This REALLY scares me, especially since John Cena retained the title. I do not want Booker T feuding for the US title. He has one place he needs to be, and that's the main event. If Booker had beaten the Undertaker, he would be a solidified main eventer without a doubt. Not only am I worried that Booker might be feuding for the US title soon, but I'm now worried that Cena may cost Booker his match against the Undertaker. There is just so much wrong that can come from this equation. Now, if Cena and Booker feuded WITHOUT the US title, and Booker still got to at least get SOME heat back by winning his rematch against the Undertaker, then I have no problem at all. Cena is over, and Booker could carry him to something good.

Over on RAW, one of my favorite shining stars Randy Orton looks to be getting ready to defend his Intercontinental Title at Bad Blood against Shelton Benjamin. This whole situation just looks bad, bad, bad right now. Orton just beat Mick Foley. All of that will be for nothing if Orton does a clean job to Benjamin, the midcard wonderboy. I don't want to see Foley indirectly job to Shelton, do you? Plus, marks don't want to admit this, but even though I have always loved Benjamin's in-ring work, he is NOT OVER. The fans are silent whenever he comes out, and right now he's still trying to ride the fact that he beat Triple-H. Let me make this clear. "Beating Triple-H" is NOT a gimmick! That was a one-time thing, and it's not the kind of stunt one's character should ride on for months. The fans have no reason to like him, period. I think he'd make a lousy Intercontinental Champion, at least as a babyface in his current character, and I don't want to see Orton lose to him.

This leaves a conundrum. How do you fix this failed feud and get the title off Orton without ruining his push? Easy. Make Bad Blood a triple-threat match between Orton, Benjamin, and Edge. Edge was built up to an IC title match but was screwed by Ric Flair. So build up both Benjamin AND Edge and competitors for Orton. Then, let Edge pin Orton at Bad Blood. Orton loses the title without getting pinned, and Edge will make a good champ. Problem solved! I should totally be a WWE writer.

Do I even need to say what's wrong with Kane challenging Benoit for the world title? There's so much wrong with it that I don't know where to start. I have been a HUGE Kane supporter for as long as I've written this column, and even *I* can't cheer for Kane in this match. He is just not a contender anymore, at all. He was in January, but then the Undertaker feud made him look like a cowardly pussy. After getting his ass handed to him by his brother for the zillionth time, Kane then immediately lost to Edge at the next PPV. Now after two PPV losses, Kane wins a battle royal to become number one contender. Of course, Kane wasn't even involved in the deciding toss-out to become number one contender. No, Kane was laid out practically unconscious when he "won" the match. Oh, what a contender! He was passed out when he won! Kane has done NOTHING to make himself look credible in ages, which means now he's going to lose yet another PPV, this time to Chris Benoit. Absolutely unbelievable.

NWA: Total Non-Stop Snapple

Well, I finally got to see an NWA-TNA PPV for the first time in ages, and boy have I missed a lot. Fortunately, I apparently tuned in to see a really big show. If you normally order the shows but haven't been lately because you know the free television show Impact is right around the corner, please order next week's show. Because of the switch over to free television, they're in the process of wrapping up all the current storylines in a big way.

This week, I got to catch the final encounter of NWA's version of faction wars in their World X Cup challenge. I mean, you had a 16-man battle royal, two lengthy tag matches, a four-way ladder match, and an Ultimate X match, just to find out which of the four teams was truly the best. Team Japan, Team Canada, Team Mexico, and Team NWA (USA) squared off, and oh man, I was into it hook, line, and sinker.

Based on the show, I see a lot of promise from these guys in Team Canada, all of whom I was pretty unfamiliar with. I pretty much enjoyed the work of all four men on that team. There's a lot of talent there.

Team NWA is a circle of Snapple's mark-out wrestlers. There's Jerry Lynn, who I have undying respect for, because NOBODY moves with the fervor, the danger, the speed, and the ability that he does at his age. The man is 40, and he moves like he's 20. Nobody can do that except for Jerry Lynn. Chris Sabin is my favorite Indy wrestler bar-none. And Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels, well, they're two-thirds of Triple-X reunited, one of the greatest tag teams ever conceived. I was a huge Triple-X mark.

Team Mexico was half great. Hector Garza and former-WWF wrestler Aguila are absolutely great to watch, wrestling uninhibited. The other two guys, Heavy Metal and I forget the other guy's name, yeah they really sucked. So Team Mexico was half great. No real complaints there.

Team Japan was absolutely awful. You had Nosawa (good) and three losers who couldn't wrestle for shit, based on what I saw. NWA-TNA also hired Kenzo Suzuki once, and I remember that godawful match. This makes me believe that when NWA-TNA is looking for a Japanese wrestler, they don't care WHO they get. And the only good wrestler on that team never got to see any ring time outside of the Battle Royal.

The first tag match between Skipper and Daniels (Triple-X, baby~!) and two guys from Team Canada was absolutely sensational. For many, many times during the match, it actually looked like Team Canada was going to win, and that scared me, because a throw-together team does not deserve to beat Triple-X. However, then I remembered that one of Triple-X's strongest assets was their match storytelling, and in most of their matches, it looked like they were going to lose but then barely snuck by with a win in the end. Same thing here, and it kept me on the edge of my seat. Great chemistry and tag team maneuvers. The WWE seriously needs to learn from these guys.

The second tag match between the crappy half of Team Mexico and the even worse Team Japan was terrible. This was the only bad thing on last Wednesday's broadcast, but man did it suck. The Japanese guy who won the match didn't weigh that much, but he moved as sluggishly as a 500 pound man. Sad.

The ladder match was surprisingly great. Lately, I've been sick and tired of ladder matches, as they all pretty much have the same spots these days, but somehow I managed to really like this match a lot. Everyone took some really nasty spills in this match, and Jerry Lynn further cements his status as a godly figure in wrestling.

The main event was a triple-threat Ultimate X(!) match between Petey Williams, Hector Garza, and the greatest Indy wrestler alive Chris Sabin. You know, despite me hardly ever watching TNA, I have somehow managed to see all three Ultimate X matches. The first one was INCREDIBLY overrated, but innovative enough. The second one was better, but this third one easily blew the first two away. It was phenominal, and hey, almost no blown spots in the entire match! That's way down from the first one, which had something like 57 blown spots. So on my first show in six months, I get to see Chris Sabin in the main event, in a 20-minute classic that's one of his best matches. You cannot see this stuff in the WWE. You'll never see this kind of stuff in the WWE.

Next week is the LAST WEEKLY PPV EVER for NWA-TNA, and as such, they have a jam-packed show. All three titles are on the line, and the winners will be the champs going into the first free television show. You have Amazing Red vs. Frankie Kazarian for the X Title (Wow, that's gonna be a spotfest and/or suck), you have James Storm and DUSTY RHODES vs. Kid Kash and Dallas for the tag titles, and the main event is a never before seen match. a FIVE-WAY world title match called King of the Mountain (I think that's what it was called), with some crazy rules that Russo made up. World Champ Ron "The Truth" Killings vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. AJ Styles vs. Raven vs. Chris Harris. That match could kick ass or really suck. Either way, it's gonna be BIG.

There have been lots of rumors flying around for a long time that NWA-TNA wants Jeff Jarrett to be the champion going into Impact. Now, I do understand the idea of starting off with a heel champion. That way, the fans will appreciate it more when they see a babyface defeat him for the title, rather than TNA just saying "This is the first show, and AJ is your champion. You're supposed to cheer for him."

However, I dislike the TNA thinking that Jarrett specifically is the guy who needs to be holding the belt. There are other guys who make fine heels, OR you could even turn one of the top faces into a good heel. Jarrett is absolutely costing the company more viewers than they're receiving, so it boggles my mind how Jerry can be so blind that his son has become a Triple-H.

Actually, I can't even make that comparison anymore, because Trips has been putting over people the last two months, and putting on better matches, something Jarrett could learn a thing or two about.

In any case, that may be a spoiler as to who will win the five-man match next week. I really hope not though.

Also, what the Hell happened to Vince Russo? I hadn't seen him in about nine months, and he looks TOTALLY different now. He shaved his beard and cut his hair, but most of all, he lost a TON of weight. He looks very... odd.

Oh well, everyone needs to order the show this week. This is especially true for me, since here in Orlando, I have about 200 channels, but no Fox Sports Net! I can't believe it. This is the first time I've ever been without Fox Sports, and this is the one time that I really want it. Oh well. Everyone order the show, and everyone who can needs to see Impact this coming Friday.

Final Thought

No Ask Triple-H this week. I know. Bad me. Well, the column was long enough, and I am just busy, busy, busy. Also, people who sent me email for the last column three weeks ago. Sorry if I never responded. I had email problems. You know what's a way you can always get in touch with me easily though is through LOP's fancy and cool message board. I encourage people to visit there, and Hell, you can even PM me comments or start a thread in Feedback. My email is becoming more unreliable as the months go on, so I may need to set up a new system for feedbackage. I don't want to discourage people from emailing me. Just making excuses for myself is all. Next week, I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about. Until then, take care everyone.

-Snapple

Email is a form of communication between me and you. happydude5000@msn.com

Questions for Triple-H should include "Ask Triple-H" in the subject header.








9/3: HUGE Update on The Undertaker's WM Streak! Which WWE RAW STAR Is Going To End It, Storyline, TONS MORE!! Read Now!

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