The Rant of the Week: It's a Heel turn on GOD
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Tuesday, May 25, 2004 at 2:53 AM EST





Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. Sorry I’m a little late, but I have a good excuse. I didn’t feel like writing anything the other night. But unlike other columnist’s, I am in it for the long haul and I will continue to watch Smackdown…but then again it’s not like there’s anything else on. I’ll get to Smackdown in a little while. I just finished watching The Soprano’s and man it was good tonight. It figures right after I said Drea de Matteo should get naked once in a while, they fucking whack her. But it was a totally justifiable whacking and she had it coming for being so stupid.

Speaking of stuff that is stupid, I can’t believe it’s been five years but indeed it is as it’s been five years since the tragic death of Owen Hart. Fellow LOP Main Pager Dumass did an amazing column for this weekend on the life and career of Owen Hart. I remember where I was when I heard the news. We just finished watching that god awful Jesse Ventura movie on NBC (Which BTW Raven and Chris Kanyon both deserved EMMY awards for the sell jobs they did in that pile of dog shit) and the news teaser comes on during the credits and the anchorman says “Pro Wrestler dies in the ring”. I didn’t think much of it, maybe some mishap at an Indy show or something. And then the news starts and they roll some footage of Owen and they said Owen died at the ppv. I was floored and my shock grew to anger when they said he died during a stunt mishap. You know, I could maybe understand if he took a fall on his head the wrong way and snapped his neck or maybe he took a punch to the chest (Hit someone at the right split second in the chest and it will kill them. Something about cardiac arrest while the heart is in between pumps). But when I heard how he died I was like what in the hell.

Well look, I could go on an on for the rest of this column about Vince McMahon is a prick for letting that show continue. There is a lot I could say, but I won’t. All I will say is this, on that night the world lost not only a true legend but also a good man. All I know is, if there is a heaven right now there must be an epic match going on between Owen Hart and Curt Hennig.

Well to onto more pressing matters. I read that Jerry Jarrett had to have Triple By-pass surgery. I wish him all the best and a speedy recovery and I will forever be grateful for what he and Jeff created in NWA-TNA in the beginning. But what the company has become over the last six months or so is just sad. No cursing, no obscene gestures, no blood. How can you expect to be innovative with booking that is coming straight from the WCW Playbook of family friendly wrestling? I read that some member of Team Canada got chewed out by TNA officials for flipping off the crowd or something. First off, he’s a heel. The last time I checked the heel’s are supposed to do that. But it got better, during last week’s show James Storm had to stop himself in mid promo from saying the word DAMN, but 30 seconds later Dusty got away with saying how he and Storm had some fun in a bordello a couple nights before…but then again it’s Dusty, he gets a free pass.

But if you guys really want to be innovative, don’t take ten steps back in booking just for the sake of a show. Ron Killings won the title from A.J. last week. I wasn’t thrilled with that since I don’t like Killings, but when Jarrett came out to cost A.J. the title they should of put the words Transition Champion under his name. Triple J will win the title back before the debut of IMPACT on FSN. That’s about as smart of a bet as betting on Smarty Jones to win The Belmont (Speaking of which, I should really go to OTB to place some bets…). But yeah, Jarrett just has to be champion since apparently only he is a household name. I would of liked to have seen A.J. continue on his path of a defense a week. Doing that would be called a winning streak and if you market him as a true world champion, he would become a huge draw. It’s simple logic.

Speaking of something that is defying logic, it’s this angle with Kane and Lita. What did she say yes to. I know if I were Kane, there would be only one question I would be asking her. Me + Her + Weekend + Secluded Island = Question. While watching it tonight, I shook my head at the camera in her locker room. First off since when does she get her own locker room. Secondly why do they insult us by making us think that they don’t know the cameraman is in there. The least they could do is show some footage of Lita getting naked and Kane looking on with a sinister smile or something. The hidden camera is always good for that. But what did she say yes to and how is it over? While watching it tonight, my father thinks she will have Kane’s baby. It makes sense if you think about since she practically threw herself onto Matt. If they do that and if she is really pregnant, I’m curious how they would handle that. Can a pregnant woman wrestle up to a certain point?

We all know Matt and Lita are a couple off screen. It’s not out of the question for them to a pregnancy angle or something. So I can see this being the case especially if their night of passion produces a bun in the oven. I feel sorry for Kane in all of this. He is with out a doubt a great heel and every time he gets built up something happens to knock him back down. I doubt he’ll win the world title at Bad Blood, but maybe a good showing will finally lift the curse of Katie Vick. Of course if I were booking, Kane would have been on Smackdown right after he buried The Undertaker.

Before I get onto my main topic for this week, who ever came up with Victoria’s new theme song should be thrown against a wall and shot or at the most smacked for being stupid. Now I’m all for hot chicks gyrating, but for the love of god please oh please let her go back to being crazy. Watching Victoria be nice is like when The Honky Tonk Man first came to the WWF. For about a month he was a face and then finally Jesse Ventura convinced him he doesn’t need to suck up to the fans to get over. Much like Honky, they have Victoria kissing babies. I think it’s safe to say Victoria will be in Playboy sometime between now and Wrestlemania 21. For the love of god let her go back to being the way she used to be.

Speaking of God, there has been a lot of talk about the influence of religion in wrestling lately. I’ve let you know where I stand. I’m personally a Lapse Catholic. I believe there is something beyond this world, but I could do with out organized religion. Take a look at world history and you can see the harm it’s done. But when I read last week that Vince Russo, the man who inspired me to be the creative demon that I am wants to become a Preacher I was like you have to be kidding. This is Vince Russo. He’s the Anti Christ of Professional Wrestling. Could you imagine a sermon from him?

I’m calling it right now. It’s a swerve on God and Jesus. They will never see it coming.

Waits for the outrage to settle down…

Ok, that was sarcasm. Do I think Russo has changed? Most likely he is telling the truth. If there was ever a person who the word screwed over applied to the most, it’s him. He honestly hates the wrestling industry and if he weren’t making a lot of money off it, odds he would of said the hell with it ages ago. No one can deny that Russo is a genus when he’s allowed to be one. He has come up with some of the best wrestling moments in the last ten years. TNA would be a lot better right now if Russo were allowed to do some booking instead of playing the much drawn out Director of Authority.

Of course Rev. Russo is nothing compared to Shawn Michaels. Shawn might believe in Jesus, but his ego is still the same as it ever was. So he gets his way in the locker by swearing on a stack of bible’s that he’s a changed man. A changed man indeed who happens to have an ego the size of Texas that craves the spotlight when he should of given the proverbial rub to someone. But then again he still is on top of his game (Even if he is downing redneck heroin by the bottle full considering how fragile his back allegedly is). If this is true, then Shawn should look at himself in the mirror and question what has he become. But hey after he and Triple H bleed enough to tap the Columbus blood bank, maybe he can say it’s all still worth it. I do find it funny he said he would only come back so his son could see him wrestle and according to some news last week, he forbids his son from watching wrestling. It’s just makes you question peoples motives.

Speaking of motives, ROH might be able to pull off something the WWE refused to do. There is a strong possibility of Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat coming out of retirement for a match against C.M. Punk. I’ve read some reports and they say Steamboat still has it. Hell he even went up top and took Punk and one of his buddies out with the high cross body. If ROH can pull this off, the words Rob Fienstien will never be mentioned again. Ok, they probably will…but at least ROH is trying to move on. I’d love to see Punk vs. Steamboat if it happens. While I think straight edgers are wimps, C.M. Punk is pretty cool and he is going to be a huge star some day. So on his behalf I’ll have a drink (Now if I only had some Jack to go with this Coke).

Well I think I’ve pissed off enough people for this week. To try something new, feel free to direct any feedback you have for my column at my Live Journal. It seems to work for Scott Keith.

Oh Yeah, I’m working on trying to land a couple of big interview for my column. More details to come if I can land the interviews. Also Wrestling’s Fact of Fiction will be up by this weekend. We’re working on some great questions that are sure to piss some people off.

As always take care and remember someone has to give you this information so it might as well be me {S Bob Grant

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