C.O.T.M for April: The Nosebleed Section: Whims of a Heel/Face World
Submitted by Phantom Lord on Saturday, May 22, 2004 at 3:22 AM EST



Every month in the columns secion of the LOP Forums, there is a contest to give an unknown writer a shot at glory here on the main page. That contest is the Column of the Month. This month's winner is RandomGuy#5,
and his column "The Nosebleed Section".

The Nosebleed Section: Whims of a Heel/Face World

“Ladies! Shut up, and hold on to your nipples.”

Boys and squirrels, welcome to the column brought to you by the bastard son of the Lop columns forums. It is I, Random Guy, #5, and this is The Nosebleed Section.

This is my debut on the main page, so yeah, I’m gonna babble for a while. If you hate pleasantries, please skip down to, well… um…never mind, thanks for coming. This is currently issue number twenty-seven you’re reading, although twenty-eight is already posted, because this ones taken me a while longer. I’ve been writing at Lop for about six or seven months now, I don’t remember, and also write a non-wrestling column entitled The Random Manifesto. This weeks was all about how much Wal-Mart sucks.

The quote at the top of the page is for one of you poor fools to guess. The one who tells me what song, movie, or bible it came from, and who said it, gets their name in shiny blue letters later in the column. So email me with the author of the quote if you want your 3 seconds of fame.

My column specializes in blurring the lines between quality and crap. A lot of bells and whistles and useless information, and occasionally something to make you think, so, yeah, go forth and think. I think.

Accidental Observations

--Eugene rocks. I wrote a column about him a while back, which ruled by the way, and said that this gimmick could work if people got off the PTC gravy train long enough to like it. They have, and this could be money. Until he gets sacrificed to Kane that is. It’ll happen.

--Mordacai is another gimmick that could be going somewhere, whether he jobs to Taker or not. Personally, I think the quality of the match they have will be an bigger indication of how the gimmick and his career will go, win or lose, I’m anticipating this for sure. I’m curious to see what he can do besides throw around cruiserweights, though.

--Fuck these clowns who are beheading hostages on the Internet. It makes me sick to my stomach. Just thought I’d say that. If you are reading this, and you are some sort of terrorist, who do you think will win, Kane or Benoit? Oh, and yeah, you suck.

--Fish rule. I just got fish, they kick ass. Damn, they just died. I recant my aforementioned claims about the coolness of fish.

-- There was a time when I was sick and damned tired of the Rock coming and going as he pleased. Now, as long as he is hilarious as hell when around, I’m all for it. I know, I’m a mark, get over it.

Arbitraries End: Whims of a Heel/Face World

There’s something that has been bugging me for a long time, and I’m just now getting around to actually writing about it. I’m watching Raw three weeks ago, and Edge and Benoit win the tag titles. So I ask myself, “Self, when did Edge and Benoit become such great friends?”

Right about the time the gods that be saw fit to give you the opportunity to spread your seed all over the Lop main page.

Damnit, to hell with spreading my seed you jack off. I want to know how come these two suddenly are cool with one another, how’d they get so tight?

You tool. They’re tight because they’re both faces, and because they’re fighting a heel, that’s all it takes to be friends with someone in the whimsical world of the WWE. I knew this would happen if you ever got on the main page. You should have just given the prize to that hot chick Tinaali, man she interviewed AJ Styles.

This is why I try to avoid getting into conversations with myself, inner demons abound.

Anyway, if anybody is still reading after that, I’m really sick and tired of all the heel/face bullshit that abounds in professional wrestling. (Somewhere, Ric Flair squirms as I repeatedly useinsider terms like heel and face.) See, I understand that much like any other form of entertainment, the world of pro wrestling needs protagonists and antagonists, and simply dedicating certain characters as “good guys” or “bad guys” is an easy way of determining who is to fight who.

What I don’t understand, is why in the blue hell, it all ends up like it does, one giant misguided cluster of unimaginable alliances and a bunch of guys who are more moody than Courtney Love without her Prozac. Let me see if I got this straight. Edge, who has been nothing of his former self since returning, instead of being goofy he’s being “intense” now is good friends with Benoit, who has built an entire persona on being a lone wolf, rabid wolverine. Give me a break. It was cool when they didn’t like Evolution, so they got together to kick a little mutual ass, I’m straight with that. But since when did they become such great friends? Why didn’t Benoit lay out Edge for trying to break the hold on Michaels? For that matter, if I’m Shelton Benjamin right now, I’m mad as hell at the kid who breaks hearts for interfering in my shot to even with HHH for beating the hell out of me weeks ago. Oh, but I forgot, Shelton and Shawn are both face, so it’s ok, they automatically get along.

What bothers me even more is when the heels are such great friends for no apparent reason. Hey, like I said, at least Edge and Benoit agreed on that fact they didn’t like Evolution, cool. They’re both reasonable guys I assume, so hey what the hell, why not. Far too often there are instances in which random heels #1-3 align to like each other. Anybody else remember right after Brock’s last heel swerve, when he and Cena were in a tag situation, just a month removed from hating each other’s guts? What about the now infamous Test/Steiner situation, in which the two men couldn’t stand one another, until Balco boy laid out Stacy? Then all of the sudden, fuck the “slave” angle, to hell with the three month feud, these guys were not only tagging together, but getting along, and being shown away from the ring together. Now, call me totally nutty, but I’ve known several people in my life that I would determine to be total assholes, some who I even swore did it on purpose, as if to be “heel.” Never, have I seen two prick-guys like each other, simply because they are both indecent to all who are quality people.

The WWE is intent on having things this way, it’s always been, and will continue to be. The bad guys like bad guys, the good guys all get along. Never mind the fact that people in the real world, who may genuinely both be good people, can’t stand one another.

I make it a point to designate the WWE specifically in all that, because TNA often does things a little bit differently when it comes to these whims. Early on, this seemed to hurt TNA, but now, it makes life much more realistic to watch an episode of TNA. Sometimes it appears as if none of them trust anybody, and realistically, why should they? Jarrett is an uber-heel to the point that everyone he instantly fights becomes face. From where I’m sitting however, that’s about it for clear-cut lines. 3LK loves their fans and that’s about it. AJ definitely works well as a face, but has a look in his eyes that screams heel. Who knows what the hell Raven is and don’t even get me started on Russo.

But I like that. I would love to see them, being the lords of all that exist in pro-grappling, to adopt a much more blurry line between heel and face. It would make things much more unpredictable, and for that matter more realistic. The WWE in particular has been on a quest for more realistic characters for quite some time, so why in the hell is this heel/face line still like crossing the boundaries between hell and heaven? Something’s gotta give, because I can only suspend disbelief for so long.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s unnecessary swerves. I think changing up the “moral balance” of a character every now and again is a good idea. Sometimes it just gets old though. In his brief career Brock Lesnar “swerved” three times in two years. That’s a little ridiculous. Tajiri has changed teams more than Elton John, and before too much longer, guys like Shelton Benjamin and Rhyno will be in that group as well. I find it truly entertaining, when the crowd refuses to abide by the swerve, as was the case with Eddie Guerrero this year. He went heel, and nobody cared, so eventually the turn sent Rhyno heel for the 17th time in his WWE career. I’m all for the crowd determining who is to be heel, and who is to be face. That’s why I love matches with mixed reactions, such as Jericho and Goldberg from Bad Blood’03, or Brock/The Rock at SummerSlam ‘02.

I recently put forth a mild theory about the use of the Internet, and the IWC to catch heel heat in the latest issue of ETA. This heel/face thing has been taken so far, that guys like Ric Flair and Bradshaw are now making appearances as themselves, and lashing out at fans, namely Internet columnists like myself, for various reasons. I firmly believe that one of these reasons, is to do nothing more than use the ‘net as a way of gaining heat. The heel/face line is no longer drawn at a person’s wrestling character, it actually now extends into real life personas. And it’s getting out of hand.

The time of the ultra-face vs. cowardly bad guy is coming to an abrupt end. Gone are the days when every fan aligned with one wrestler, dubbed themselves a “Hulkamaniac’ for example, and went forth to hate all who stood in the way of their hero. I believe this to be largely responsible for what appears to be dwindling crowd reactions. Not everybody wants to get behind a wrester just because the blinking marquee says, “CHEER” or “BOO”. Fans now want to see wrestlers appear as human, or even superhuman, it doesn’t matter. I can suspend disbelief for arm drag after arm drag, and I can overlook that the RKO actually beat Mick Foley. But to force me to routinely buy into the idea of all nice guys getting along, all bad guys getting along, and that everyone is either nice or not, is just plain ludicrous. We are in the generation of the Tweener, a time when wrestlers must make rational decisions, not ones just based on the fact that a guy beat up someone who is a man who I care nothing about. None of this makes sense, maybe I’m just completely out on a limb and there are still clear-cut bad guys and good guys and maybe there should be. Or maybe, erasing the lines between heel and face is what will usher in the next generation of pro wrestling glory.

Awards

Well, now we’re getting into the meat and potatoes of what the Random One does best. I’ve been called the king of cheap heat, because I make it a point to give everybody a heavy dose of lame, cheesy bullshit, and this column is no exception. So, onward with the overdone awards.

Sanctimonious Son-of-a-Bitch

In honor of Jericho’s best (heel) catchphrase, I delivereth forth this award. This award goes to those who win Column of the Month and use it to shamelessly plug their friends. Shameless plugs are a beautiful thing. Unfortunately, someone always gets left out. And then proceeds to cry about it. I know, I’ve cried many times. Usually alone at night, when nobody’s watching some movie on theLifetime network.

If you can’t figure out why I’ve been dropping plugs all along, well, take two ecstasies and call me in the morning.

Cannon fodder Award

Well, as my friend Marilyn Manson once said, “The weak ones are there to justify the strong.” So somebody, usually Matt Hardy or some random Cruiserweight is turned into cannon fodder. This week, the fodder award goes to the lives of the net friendly terrorists who will certainly die a slow and painful death for their actions. My thoughts and prayers go out to the Nick Berg family, and I can only hope that one day, these horrible people are brought to justice, and made into cannon fodder for a free nation. Honorable mention goes to the career of Grandmaster Sexay, and all who lost in CoTm voting.

The Mick Foley Award

Remember at the top, when I told you that the person who guessed the quote got a cool award? Well, here is last week’s winner.

Lop’s coldest columnist won last week’s award. His name is The_IceMan_Cometh and he writes a fine young column named So It Is Written which blends an awesome religious flavor into wrestling discussion. He got the quote from the Eminem song My Name Is, and goes on to win his second Foley award. Congrats Ice, thanks for reading.

Outta Left Field

Mysteries of the Universe

Questions to ponder while waiting for that John Cena heel swerve…

..Who is more overrated, Halo, The Rolling Stones, or AJ Styles?

.. Is there a cooler move in wrestling than Abyss’ Black Hole Slam?

.. Is Eddie’s mom’s heart attack, the single most overplayed, overused, good for nothing, lack of disbelief suspending, piece of shit, sorry excuse for heat generating bad angle ever made?

.. Was there ever a more effective rub than the one Foley gave Orton? That single handedly gave Orton heat for good.

**SPOILER ALERT**

The following spoiler was sent in from some random source outside Wisconsin. It concerns the building of stables on Raw in an attempt to get back into the Attitude era type booking. If you don’t want to know, don’t read.

We‘ve all by now heard the rumors that the WWE is considering a rebirth of DX. It is being planned to have Orton lead an Evolution attack on HHH at SummerSlam, where he will eventually heal his wounds with HBK, Shawn Michaels, and reform the once ultra popular Stable.

The WWE feels it is important to get back to the “stable warfare“ that was so popular during the Attitude era, hence the rumored return of the Hardy Boyz and Edge and Christian. It is currently also being considered rehiring Zach Gowen to team with Eugene in a sort of handicapped stable, tentatively named “Freaks of Nature.” A possible leader for this faction could be the returning freak Scott Steiner.

A possible Kane vs. Bischoff feud is also in the works. Stay tuned.

The Uncalled for Ending

Hasta Luego mi amigos, (Spanish shit gets over with the crowd) I’m done here for my latest effort at entertaining the masses, and hopefully you all will find this amusing enough to leave feedback by clicking here. I love feedback, it‘s like Jessica Simpson wrapped in vanilla ice cream. Feel free to check out some of the other stuff I’ve got linked, but only after you show me a little love in the email department. If I get even one, I beat out the main page issue of Excuse the Aggravation. Thanks to Tina, (Tinaali) for helping me out with all the html crap, you rule, and too all of my fans who voted for me and put me here. Hopefully some of you new readers will follow my shit to the forums where it belongs, because I have a feeling after this pitiful display, I’ll not be seeing the main page again for a long time. Until that fateful day ends the main page domination of Wevv and associates, this is RandomGuy, #5, saying thanks for visiting the Nosebleed Section and reminding you to next time, get better seats.

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