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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, May 21, 2004 at 9:26 PM EST Turnbuckle Tailgate - Weekend Warrior Pardon Me While I Try To Collect My Thoughts Into A Bar Rag Dubzilla here with the only column that makes you want to wash, rinse and repeat with BBQ sauce, The Turnbuckle Tailgate. Edition number 73 on the agenda with my random thoughts sprinkled from Eddie "The Dog" Bauer's vat of paprika. Yeah, I borrowed it, I'll give it back, I promise. In other news, gay people can now legally get married here in the state of Massachusetts. Yes, I am from Massachusetts, try say that five times fast, you begin to sound gay or retarded. Which would you rather be? Go to the LOP Forums and discuss that a little more. I have no problem with gays getting married, I just fear that this will be impetus of a mass exodus of gays nationwide to Massachusetts. It's bad enough we have to take in all them stupid college kids who are getting a free ride from mommy and daddy. We have the worst roads in the United States. That's only gonna get worse when they put the city of Boston on lockdown for the Democratic National Convention. What airline is that Southwest Airlines with the ads that say "Want to get away"? I hear that, playas and pimps. Let's get on with this forsaken column. We start with the Black & Tan where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. The wrestling fan has a new wrestler to despise. His name is John Bradshaw Layfield. In the matter of a month and a half, he has found a way to piss off every type of person on planet Earth. Every snowflake, we are snowflakes according to Lewis Black. He is one of the funniest people in stand up comedy. He just had an HBO special, Black On Broadway, I suggest you run and check that out. Bradshaw may have taken the reigns from the former most hated man in wrestling, HHH. This could make for some great debate, Black & Tan time, let's get tipsy. Black - JBL The most recent wrestler to be thankful for brand extension is perhaps John Bradshaw Layfield. Like Bob Holly, it has established the opportunity for a veteran of the WWE to get their proverbial crack at a program for a world championship. He's fortunate that Brock Lesnar chose to try and play football, that The Big Show decided to 'quit' and that Kurt Angle was a victim of his own neck injuries. Otherwise, JBL might still be Bradshaw or he'd be JBL but under the radar. The chips have seemed to fall into place for Mr. Layfield. He's smug, arrogant and believes the hype that he's the best thing going. He's the HHH of SmackDown right now. A power player in the ring and 'leader' in the locker room. Will JBL be taking more pages out of the HHH playbook than just doing the initial thing with his name? Can Bradshaw be a viable world champion if he can defeat Latino Heat? The character has depth, the meat that lacking from his in-ring work. I don't expect Bradshaw to all of a sudden become a machine that produces 5-star classics at the drop of the hat. Who picked stars as the symbol of a rating system anyways? I'd prefer donuts because they would be confusing as they look like zeros. It would get more usage out of sprinkles and it would make me want to eat which is vital for living. I hope the spotlight brings the best of out of Bradshaw. Who was that philosopher that said "Opportunity = Preparation + Luck", wasn't that Trish Stratus? They should make a bust of her or something like that or give her some Preparation-H. Why because it works? Wait a minute, that's Sportscreme. I confuse my ointments, get that drunk Joe Namath out of his crib and have him help me sort out this mess. Tan - HHH The golden boy of WWE, a man who through work and desire became a centerpiece of the business. A guy who was a strong champion and rarely lost of the past couple of years. Then he lost the belt and realized it's okay to lose. You can lose and still look good, sometimes even better than your opponent. Then Vince will take you out for a soft serve ice cream cone after the matches. He's definitely a political force in the WWE. A title reign that lasts over a year in an era of short attention spans would even clue in the casual fan that something is fishy even if they don't know anything except what they see on TV. In retrospect, I'm kind of thankful that HHH held onto the belt for so long. Because if he had lost to Kane or RVD or Booker T, would they have been able to be great champions for a long time? Possibly, but HHH would've regained the title and it would have been a vicious cycle of trading places over and over again. When Benoit won at Wrestlemania, the fans rejoiced and all three men in the match looked like a million bucks. Even a bleeding HBK looked like a champ and the match returned a month later at Backlash. It more than likely raised the ire of some fans that HHH keeps sticking his nose in the World Title picture, but he's The Game. He's that damn good, go ask Ric Flair, the mutual admiration society hasn't run out of ballwashing fluid. It's one thing to give someone props, but the way these two praise each other is Oprah and Dr. Phil getting together and having a slumber party. Bartender's Choice - HHH or JBL? So is there a point to all of this ranting? Perhaps there is, should I just answer the damn question? Can you handle the answer or would you like to swig a handle of cheap vodka? Get the moderately priced vodka, don't overpay for it. Bradshaw is like today's economy, if you are doing well, you don't give a hoot about everyone else but yourself. Any philanthropic gesture will be viewed as a way to get yourself one up on everyone else. If you aren't smug and you are doing poorly, than you can't stand those that succeed yet you want to be just like them. HHH is pretty similar but he's like 1980s, he's old school like Reaganomics. All them trickle down theories apply and you can even throw in glasnost, the Russian policy of openness. Yet you are still a Communist and that's only fair to the people with all the power. They don't have to wait in line for 7 hours for half a loaf of bread and a flask of sour milk. This one could be a push, but I want to hate something and Bradshaw is the flavor of the week so I pick JBL. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Dos Equis - Double Champions Right now, Chris Benoit is on top of the world, king of his castle, the ruler of the roost if you will. He's not only the World Tag Team Champion, but he's also a client. Wait a minute, that's Hair Club For Men President Sy Sperling. Are they even still in business with Rogaine rocking the technology of hair growth world? What I mean to say is that he's also the World Heavyweight Champion and in 3 days, his skin is clearing up. Have you seen that teeny bopper in the Clearasil commercial? I thought her skin was supposed to clear up. Oh well, I could put honey all over my face and attract bees, but that's all null and void if I stay indoors during that little experiment. Chances are Benoit and Edge are more likely to lose the tag straps before Benoit loses the big gold. Will this spur and instant feud for whomever beats the champs. Possibly for Edge and insert new partner or will Edge go after Randy Orton or maybe even his old tag team partner Christian? The quest for gold has centered around the hunters of Evolution. It shall be interesting to see how all the little interlocking feuds play out on RAW. Generating interest with unpredictability, that's something you should try on SmackDown instead of having a bunch of puzzle pieces that don't lock together. Raspberry Kamikaze - Kane Is Next? So Kane is the number one contender going onto Bad Blood to face Chris Benoit in Columbus, Ohio. Good for him, I think that this whole thing he's got going on with Lita and Matt Hardy is lame as hell. Kane is a creep, yes that has been established, but he hasn't had purpose since he's lost his mask. What happened to Kane will probably happen to JBL? Kane had a big transformation in his character in mid-2003, he had some clout for about a month or two, then he just became secondary filler. This is what shall happen to John Bradshaw Layfield in mid-2004. Does Kane have a legitimate shot of defeating Benoit? I would hope so and I hope we get to see the monstrous Kane of old for a couple of weeks get the best of Benoit. Since Benoit has won that title, he hasn't seen an opponent with the size and wrath of Kane. I await this feud with baited breath. Mimosa - Rock Star The WWE was in California, The Rock makes movies. Should you and I have been so surprised that The Rock made a cameo appearance on Monday Night RAW? Yes and no. Because it means a definite ratings spike for the WWE, yes. To help special Eugene, no. It was a cool thing for The Rock to do. Eugene had that Mick Foley quality in him that made him a good match to pair with The Rock. It gives Eugene a rub by association. It's funny how Triple H is Eugene's favorite wrestler because they both like to play games. I'm sure Triple H enjoys nothing better than a nice rousing game of Parcheesi with The McMahons on a Friday evening by the fireplace. I'm sure if you took a poll of most WWE wrestlers, they'd say that Triple H was their favorite wrestler, but would they really mean it? Some may, but it would be fun to hook them up to polygraph machines to see the truth of it all. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet I didn't watch Judgment Day like many people I've talked to on the Internet. 18,000 strong in LA, I wonder if 18,000 people ordered JD? One of my friends who tends to stay away from the opinions held by the "smart" (I hate them terms, but I still use them, am I a hypocrite, Naitch?) wrestling fan watched the show and he absolutely loved the main event. He's a big JBL fan, I think because the character is so absurd and politically incorrect. He gained a new found respect for Eddie Guerrero for being able to lose that much blood. I may order it on a replay because I work with a guy who doesn't have cable, doesn't watch RAW or SmackDown, but loves the PPVs because they tend to really step in up for the PPVs. As for last weekend, I had better ideas for ways to spend my wrestling dollar, I tell you as I continue to digress in the Tailgate.. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). The Legend Lives On Last Saturday Night, I had the pleasure of going see Ring Of Honor Wrestling for the second time. I had previously seen ROH in February and I had a blast. I wrote about in one of my archived columns in the LOP Columns Forum sometime in February. The feeling about ROH that I have hasn't changed. I'm sure you may have at least heard about Ring Of Honor. You may have even seen a show of tape or DVD. If you get the opportunity to see them whether they come to your neck of the woods or even if you have to travel a bit (there's probably some diehard that spent more time driving than you did), do it. Every time I get disillusioned by the WWE, I'll just pop in a ROH DVD and I'll feel like it's the late 1980s again with a modern twist. Ring Of Honor takes the best young talent on the indy scene and puts out a quality show every time they do a show. Sure their rabid fan base asks for it and keeps it alive, but even the most dedicated and discerning ROH fanatic can find something that satisfies them when they watch a ROH show. Even with a venue change and that phrase "The Card Is Subject To Change" being invoked a handful of times, I wasn't disappointed. I arrived at the venue two hours befoe the show. Went to a Denny's across the street from the Armory where the show was being held and had my first taste of Denny's. It was alright, but I prefer Bickford's. After that, myself and two of my friends got to our seats right by the curtains where the wrestlers came out. I could run down all the matches, but you can find the results for the show anywhere on the 'Net. I'll highlight some of my fondest thoughts from the show. One of them was the confrontation between their champion Samoa Joe and the number 1 contender for the title, Homicide. They brawled through the crowd and cleared out all of the seats where I was sitting. Then there was Homicide's manager, Julius Smokes who is perhaps one of the funniest people to watch in wrestling besides Ric Flair. He's from the streets and he's charismatic plus he's got plenty of gold teeth. Then there was a match called 6-Man Mayhem where two wrestlers would start, four would be in each of the corners and if action spilled out of the ring there were no need for tags. Some of the spots in that match were jaw-dropping. It is the hottest concept match in wrestling. But then there was a moment that made me feel like a 7 year old. Ricky Steamboat was at the show. He's worked with ROH in an angle with CM Punk and Colt Cabana, The Second City Saints for the past couple of months. The intensity between Steamboat and Punk seems so real it's palpable and it has gotten the fans to mark out. Punk and Cabana were in a Round Robin tournament with two other tag teams that night. Each team fights each other one once. After losing the first match of the night that included the involvement of The Dragon, The Saints put Ricky through a table. He was taken in for medical care, but he made a comeback at the end of the night to confront CM Punk. Punk's team won the main event and their tag titles back, but Steamboat would have the last laugh. He chopped away and arm dragged Punk only like an old man could. Then there was the coup de grace, Steamboat did a cross body press off the top ropes onto Punk. Let me repeat that, Steamboat did a cross body press off the top ropes onto Punk. I couldn't believe my eyes, the hot box of a building that housed the night's action erupted. Smarts and marks alike rejoiced whether they liked Steamboat or not. They gave The Dragon his due. It was a night I will never forget. Drown In Denouement Thank goodness, it's Friday. My booze pick of the week or fortnight is Hypnotiq. It's a light blue drink that combines vodka, cognac and various juices. Drink it on ice, any type of ice. I call it Alize on crack, it keeps the party going til 6 in the morning, so what you gonna do, when the drunks run wild and go streaking. I'm going to a luau next week. Well not a real luau, it's a Hawaiian themed party. Many people shall be getting laid. Puns, puns, everywhere people pissing on the streets like they just don't care. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch...................... Send Feedback Here I enjoy hearing from you, regardless LOP Columns Forum Good reading material from some of my favorite writers. If you can find TVDog, go badger him and ask him where the Beer Poll is, he'll know what you are talking about. Also, go check out the Creative Writing subforum at the LOP Forums, some good reads there too. Stacy Keibler and Friends on the Beach Playing Volleyball!
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