The Rant of the Week: Kurt Angle is still Superman
    Submitted by Phantom Lord on Friday, April 30, 2004 at 10:12 PM EST



    Greetings conversationalists all across the fruited plain, it is I your personal Harvester of Sorrow Phantom Lord and this is my Rant of the Week. In a bit of news that no one paid attention to, but should have a jury here in New York ruled that the attack on the twin towers was one attack and not two separate. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but two airplanes at two different times flew into two different buildings. If that isn’t a separate attack, then I don’t what is. But alas we are well past the why did it happen stage and have moved onto the whom shall I sue phase of the grieving process. I just hope we don’t have to deal with this shit after every attack.

    In more news that no one really cares about, Jayson Williams is the luckiest man on the face of the earth right now. For those of us who believe O.J. Simpson was lucky, it’s nothing compared to the Jayson Williams trial. For those of you who didn’t hear the details, let me sum it up for you. Basically Jayson was pissed that his limo driver was in his house and he picked up a loaded shotgun and some how the damn thing went off and he shot the poor guy. Now instead of calling paramedics, Jayson opted to tell all the people in the house to lie to the police, hide his clothes, and make it look like the guy tried to kill himself (All though it’s a bit hard to do that with a shotgun…ask Kurt Cobain). Jayson just got off on the most serious of charges of manslaughter, but was nailed on the evidence tampering charges. He was looking at 55 years in jail but he might get probation or a couple years at the most if he doesn’t have any previous criminal convictions on his record. Like I said, he is one lucky S.O.B.

    Before I get to the rant, I heard on the news that the NYPD plans on searching every single train entering Penn Station during the GOP Convention. For those of you who have never been to New York, don’t come that week. If this means every train, that includes every subway train and I don’t know about you but I don’t like being stuck on trains whether it is in a tunnel or the bridge. But hey, Boston’s gonna have it worse for the DNC convention. They’re just gonna shut everything down. Hmm, I guess walking would be a good option even if it is the summer. Well enough of the random news bits…it’s ON TO THE RANT

    I got semi-political to open the column for a reason. I love the Presidential-esq. video promo’s that they are using for Bradshaw tonight. The one they aired on Smackdown tonight was brilliant. You see instead of thrusting JBL into a semi-major ppv main event, I would be using these to build him up. But alas, Vince loves it so expect him to be the new WWE Champion soon. But damn while I watching that promo I was like how come he isn’t running for President this year. See Bradshaw might suck in the ring, but the man is gifted on the mic when he has to be. Now word on the street is this JBL gimmick is a McMahon creation and no one has the guts to tell him that pushing Bradshaw to the moon isn’t the smartest idea he’s ever had.

    I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with these people. It’s not that hard to stand up to the boss and say “Umm…this isn’t gonna work”. What’s the worst that will happen? You get fired? You can’t get fired cause you can sue for wrongful termination. Now granted you could be put into the proverbial dog house, but my theory is as long as your still collecting a pay check it probably isn’t gonna be to bad. You know why Smackdown is in the toilet right now? Because of shit like this. No one was willing to stand up to Triple H and tell him “Guess what pal…your staying here”. No one is willing to stand up to Vince and say “You know, we could probably make a lot of money if we showcased more Crusierweight’s since that style of wresting is a huge draw on the Indies”. And I’m damn sure no one has the guts to tell the idiot who thought throwing Kurt Angle off a freaking ledge was a good idea that he is a MORON.

    While I was watching Smackdown last night, I was thinking to myself that Kurt Angle deserves a freaking Emmy for having to do this. I’m dead serious about that. Fuck Martin Sheen…Kurt Angle deserves an Emmy nomination for Best Actor in a Dramatic Series (I’d rather see Angle win then see Keifer Sutherland or Michael Chiklas get shafted yet again all because of the fucking West Wing). But seriously this angle makes no sense what so ever. Ok, so Kurt needs to MacGuiver his neck again. While removing Paul Heyman as GM was not a bright idea, Kurt as GM was working rather well. I liked how Kurt blamed us the fans for his injuries (All though The Big Show should be knee high in legal shit right now), but man it’s just another stupid twist with no real point. See no matter how much they want us to believe that shock tv is dead, they just can’t help going back to do something as stupid as this.

    I thought this Lottery was supposed to breathe life into both brands again. What happened was RAW got their roster stacked even more while Smackdown got the scraps. Now don’t get me wrong, RVD, Booker T, The Dudley’s, and Rene Dupree have been great on Smackdown. But they will never amount to anything while a very inept Creative team is in charge. Dupree’s feud with Cena could be good, but if this past Smackdown was any indication…that U.S. title match is going to be painful to watch. I can remember the days of when Magnum T.A. and Tully Blanchard damn near killed each other in an I Quit Cage Match for the United States Heavyweight Title and now that once great title is a freaking prop.

    Last night was a small step in the right direction, only problem is they are using Torrie Wilson of all people to be the damsel in distress. Sure she’s got a great body, but she couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. Anyway that match with her last night was painful to watch, but I don’t know if anyone picked up on this, but when Dupree blocked her sunset flip by dropping to his knee’s to pin her…I swear he had a huge boner. Of course I can’t blame him if he did. I mean how many guys can say they had Torrie Wilson pinned like that. But that eventually led to Cena running in and everyone’s favorite white boy saved the day. I can almost see them doing a stupid romance angle. I bet Kidman’s gonna really love that if they do that.

    Speaking of angles that make no sense, how exactly does The Dudley’s against Eddie Guerrero fit into Eddie vs. JBL? Logic would dictate that you would have Eddie and JBL fighting in tag matches or something leading up to their match so that at least there is some sort of basis for a feud other then JBL doesn’t like Mexican’s and Eddie’s a Mexican. Well at least the only good of the past two week’s is The Dudley’s are heels once again. It’s only a matter of time before Bubba grabs a mic and calls some kids mom a cum guzzling whore. Now that will make for some fun network television when it happens. If we can see The Dudley’s put someone through a flaming table like they did back in the day in ECW, I’ll at least be happy.

    But when it comes to NWA-TNA I am not happy. Sure Raven is doing his best to carry the company and A.J. Styles is a very deserving World Champion. But I’m convinced someone read my column from last week or at least took at look at the last edition of PWA Schizophrenia because they used the same exact rule in a shitty match as I did. This past week TNA had the ever horrible “Nightstick on a Pole” match. Kid Kash & Dallas took on D-Lo Brown and Apollo in a match that had the word train wreck all of it. When the Nightstick falls off the pole, you know your in trouble. Anyway I think Kash went for a pin on D-Lo when I heard Mike Tenay say “No Pinfall’s or Submissions until the nightstick is retrieved”. Well that previous weekend, I had just posted a show that was damn near a Clash of the Champions caliber program and on it I had a Paddle on a Pole match. Granted I was not thrilled with it, but I’m a team player and I can turn shit into gold when it comes to bad matches. What’s the connection you might ask? From the start of the match I made it clear “No pin falls or submissions until the paddle is retrieved”.

    Now maybe it was a coincidence that TNA and the PWA have two equally horrible matches booked for their respective shows, but damn it if your gonna rip me off at least use one of my better matches. Speaking of which, Phantom Lord vs. RAW Is Snapple will make Steamboat vs. Flair look like a jobber match. Note the Sarcasm in that one.

    I think they did at least listen to me and many others when it came to the bullshit title finishes as this week we almost saw a draw in the title match between Styles and Killings. I was actually getting pissed that they might hold up the title like they did in the past, but my hero and personal role model Vince Russo came out and ordered the match continue and Styles won with a roll up reversal. Afterwards, Raven came out and beat the snot out of Styles. If TNA were smart they would let Raven and Styles feud into the summer. But with Raven having a title shot next week, logic dictates that Chris Harris will either attack him before the match to injure him or come out just as he’s gonna win to cost him the title. Either way, destiny will be denied once again for Raven.

    I did find it funny that Simond Diamond suddenly decided it was time for a gimmick change since now he’s Irish. Could this have something to do with Raven calling him a Nazi Fascist in an interview he did with him in his official web journal? Who knows…all I know is Simon has a problem and the WCW 2000 Worked Shoot gimmick isn’t gonna cut it.

    Oh in one of those signs that hell is indeed freezing over and the apocalypse is upon us first Tito praised Triple H and now shall I. He did a great job on Monday night when he sold the mist like he got shot. Him yelling at the plant was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while on RAW. His match with Tajiri was pretty good; my only complaint is he really should try to win matches with something other then the KICK WHAM PEDIGREE. Why not use an inside cradle or be a villain and roll him up and hook the tights. If you want to be Ric Flair so much, try using some of his plays from his playbook. Personally I think that Inverted Indian Death Lock he does should be his finisher. I remember him using that way back when he was Terra Ryzing on WCW Worldwide. I think it would give Triple H a whole new persona in the ring if he moved to a submission finisher. The rumored Benoit vs. Triple H Summer Slam match would be pretty sweet if it was Crossface vs. Death Lock.

    Before I go, I must say I am enjoying Rico and Haas as tag team champions on Smackdown. They are the perfect odd couple and to all the naysayer’s who think they are a joke, try to remember that Rico and Haas under the comedy are two of the best wrestlers in the company. Rico has taken the Adrian Street persona made it into something else. Haas is great as the straight man (No Pun Intended) to Rico’s zany and freaky antics. A Dudley’s vs. Rico/Haas feud could be pretty good especially if it’s the old Bubba and D-Von who love to lynch the face tag team of the moment.

    Well I believe that is it for this week. As always take care and remember, someone has to provide you with this information so it might as well be me {S Bob Grant

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