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Submitted by Dubzilla on Friday, April 23, 2004 at 8:40 PM EST Turnbuckle Tailgate - Taking The Plunge Pardon Me While I Try To Collect My Thoughts Into A Bar Rag Hello, one and all, it is I, Dubzilla, the man who made the court supreme. I hate basketball, you breathe on the player with the ball and you get call for a foul. It's ridiculous, that's why I admire a guy like Rasheed Wallace who averages 87 technical fouls a season. In order for basketball to become a sport that draws my attention once again, it either has to go one of two directions. Either become a total finesse game like during the Magic/Bird era or it must take the route of hockey and become more like boxing. Small forwards should be nursing their bloody noses in the locker room every night. The Golden State Warriors shouldn't be The Golden State Wusses, they should be gladiators. Speaking of gladiators, this summer on pay per view, they plan on having a hockey fights competition. It's too good of an idea to make up, do your thing in the online search and you got yourself some excitement, ladies and gents. This is the 71st (3rd) edition of T-Squared (nobody cares but it helps to lift and separate each column like an ample bosom nurtured by a nicely underwired brassiere). I took last week off, I could have written a column, but to be perfectly honest, it would have been the equivalent of something you wipe your bottom with in the bathroom. We start with the Black & Tan where I compare and contrast two things and try to pick one over the other (never easy). Then we go into The Pub Crawl where I discuss various topics in pro wrestling that pique my interest. After that if I'm feeling frisky, I make some random observations straight from a bar napkin. The coup de grace is Monty Hall, the free form portion of the column where I get to freestyle my thought process and do my thing. For those of you that are still confused, maybe it was meant to be that way. Let's take a look at the top draft picks on each of WWE's brands from that little lottery they had about a month ago. I think that enough time has transpired to make an early assessment as to who got the best of the deal. Let's get tipsy. Black - Shelton Benjamin The All-American out of the University Of Minnesota had a pretty good run there after the draft. Two victories over Hunter Hearst Helmsley and one on PPV over Nature Boy Ric Flair, but it may more of a case of what now instead of what have you done for me lately? Is this a little too much too soon for the young buck much like his Minnesota alumnus counterpart Brock Lesnar. I don't see Shelton making a run for 100m gold at the 2004 Olympics. He got the fans to respond him in this little streak he had going there. But were they just responding because he was the underdog who caught the big dog drooling? If he had beaten anyone else, would the feeling have been the same? Does the Shelton Benjamin bandwagon have a flat tire? He's got tremendous upside, but he's also gotta fight something he has no control of, that being the race card. Will it be an issue if he bursts the bubble on his exponential potential? Maybe 10-20 years ago, it may have been a big problem, but I think opportunity has knocked for Shelton and it's All About Them Benjamins, he's so money and he does know it. Too many cliches, this paragraph will self destruct in 2 seconds,......boom. Tan - Rene Dupree This guy has one helluva physique. I remember seeing a day in the life of the OVW developmental wrestler profiling this kid on Confidential months back and I couldn't wait to see this guy. He's fostering a cocky charisma that works for a guy flirting with a hackneyed yet thick French accent. This Maritime man has got wrestling in his blood and he's got the chance to break through on SmackDown. Sure, he has to walk a dog and host a Highlight Reel knockoff, but I think the little cafe could work wonders for him. It helps us learn a little bit more about the person that is Rene Dupree. It looks like he's a target of as well as targetting United States Champion, John Cena. The French gimmick makes him naturally a heel in the United States. He doesn't have to be Jerry Lewis to get over, but if he ever decided to run his own telethon in the WWE, that would be hilarious. Bartender's Choice - Benjamin or Dupree? Choices, choices, choices. Every week, it's like choosing between your mother or your father. You can't do it, but if there's a water pistol pointed at your head and you don't want to get wet, you gotta draw the line somewhere. I draw it with a pencil so that way if I have a shaky hand, I can erase my flub and have a do over. Benjamin is in the better environment, the live show where the players play. Dupree may have the better gimmick and the opportunity to shine on the taped Thursday show. Size matters, but I've always been a sucker for agility. Shelton has the quickness of a battle cat so I'll pick him, but if my pick shall not be able to fulfill the duty of being bartender's choice then the 1st runner-up, Rene Dupree shall assume the position. The Pub Crawl Chock Full Of Frosty Pints, Mixed Cocktails & Sensational Shots Molson Export - Oh Canada So Benoit wins again, in his hometown, what a big surprise. Them odds were really stacked against him, eh. I still have a crush on his wife, Nancy aka "Woman". Something about her face gets me every time. So he's now a dual champion with Edge. I'm glad that Flair and Batista aren't champs anymore because they didn't do much for the titles, but where have all the tag teams gone? I got a feeling now that it is Benoit and Edge as champs, them belts will get traded by the two most recent sets of champs more often than a grab bag of sexually transmitted diseases or hard candies. To change the subject to a degree, let's talk about the World Title picture on RAW. Much like Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit and Trish Stratus is a love triangle (now it's more like a rhombus with this Tyson Tomko character - sidebar - What is with all the odd names they give to wrestlers these days, Garrison, Tyson, are they employees of the WWE that feel left out because there is nobody on TV with their names, you must feel like Kelsey Grammer, waaah), HHH, HBK and Chris Benoit is one big hate triangle. It never will cease to amaze me how long these three will be entangled. Sure it's slated to be Benoit and HBK, the match everyone and Granny Smith has wanted to see since Benoit joined RAW a couple of months back in Phoenix, but you know that HHH is gonna stick that big proboscious(sp.-trying to say nose, ah fish sticks) where the sun tans Superman and get his piece of the key lime pie proverbially speaking. Another 3 way dance? Do too many cooks spoil the brew? The world may never know unless the answer is blatantly obvious. Long Island Iced Tea - A Mighty Tall Order I thought the whole Big Show freaking out angle was hilarious. Torrie Wilson was the perfect protagonist for it, but Kurt Angle saving the day? Smarmy Kojakesque GM of SmackDown, the guy you love to hate and hate to love. I don't get the fuzzy logic unless the big stunt is a way to elicit sympathy on the fans behalf when he returns. Let him recoup from injuries and come back as an uber face once again. Then he be the Great American of the WWE. I found it funny how he gave out a Great American Award while he should be the recepient. Maybe he'll come back and challenge JBL on his 'great American qualities'. Speaking of JBL, who else is was going to be the top dog facing Latino Heat come Judgment Day other than The Big Show. I think you could have had a better feud with The Big Show just witness the whole way he can make an impact. Every couple of months, Big Show makes some noise then he wallows in a pool of his own sweat before he makes his presence known once again. That's my only knock on Big Show, the lack of consistency other than that, he could be the dominant man on SmackDown. Going back to Bradshaw, it's a battle of the long winded boring promos between him and Guerrero. Here's a tip, just wrestle. Less talk, more knock downs. Blithering Idiot - Odd Couplings For Comic Relief Hi kids, get ready for them college boards, get out them number 2 pencils, it's analogy time. Eugene is to RAW as blank is to SmackDown. If you said Rico, you get a gold star. William Regal and Charlie Haas play the straight men (literally in Haas' case). RAW has the disability issue, SmackDown has the alternative lifestyles issue. It's just a TV show, you can exacerbate and tackle these issues if you want to or you can just use them to entertain your fanbase. Why draw the line there, you could have multitudes of characters based on the mistreated and downtrodden. I got a brainfart right now and it smells funky. How about we take a street peddler who has more problems than lost brain cells. He drinks, abuses drugs, he steals, he mooches, he does everything your parents told you not to do (if they were trying to raise you somewhat decently). But he can hurt you at the drop of a hat. He's got that "hulk up" ability. You could beat his ass, but he'll comeback and stun ya, son. You could have him hitch rides to every arena. Have an 18-wheeler pull up and other various odd vehicles. Screw limos, the vagrant rides in style, brutha. The fan would feel a whirlwind of emotions, pity and disgust all at once. Hell, Eddie Guerrero can trash JBL's hat, what's wrong with a dirty street thug in a wrestling ring. Whiskey Wry Observations From A Drunkard Dash Prophet As soon as they said Charlie Haas had a mystery partner on SmackDown, I had a feeling in my stomach that the ring announcer was going to say Rico. Paul Heyman hit the nail on the head when he called The Dudleys 'caricatures' on SmackDown. To compound the heel turn, who is real deal of the litter as "The Dudley" and could it cause internal tension betwixt Bubba and D-Von. Where does this leave poor Spike? That's right in a feud with "I'm So Vain" Mark Jindrak and his player hating manager Teddy Long. Here's hoping that the best tag team on RAW gets reformed stat now that both are 100 percent. Here's looking at you, Gail Kim and Molly Holly. MONTY HALL(Marking Out (because you're) Never Too Young (to) Harvest A Lifetime (of) Lunacy). Beandog's Brewhouse (Because Cheers Was Already Taken) I hope this is the final installment in my series of examinations of how the WWE can take what makes other popular TV series tick and try to take that, rewind it back and make it into ratings gold. We've done teen dramas, we've done the mafia, now we delve into the wonderful world of the law enforcement drama. CSI, 24, The Shield, Jag, Cops, Law & Order, The Practice, Homicide, X-Files, NYPD Blue, etc.. You could even go back to TJ Hooker and The Rockford Files or how about them westerns to find the popularity of these type of shows. Everyone has an opinion on the law and people are intrigued by its proponents, its regulators, it's rulebreakers. It's simple yet complex drama and we all eat it up with knife and fork. I found irony in the whole Big Show drama last week on SmackDown because I was gonna write about this regardless of whether it was gonna be last week or this week. I had the whole conceptual framework involving the decimation of an authority figure. You'd have an unknown benefactor putting bounties on the heads of various superstars in the WWE. These could be wrestlers who are injured or about to get fired. Bounties could also be placed on power players like Bischoff, Heyman, Angle or any McMahon. You could have a cloaked beast come out and collect on the bounties. Create a mystery, who is it? Who is the backer of bounties? Bring in all sorts of people to crack the caper. Faces from the past or people that don't currently have any creative gimmickry. Bring in bounty hunters like New Jack or Homicide from the indy scene. Bring back The Big Bossman to be the bumbling cop. Bring back The Mountie because they shoot horses, don't they. Kurt Angle is obviously Kojak and you have Sgt. Slaughter always ready to make an appearance. Take Garrison Cade and Gail Kim and make them the modern day Mulder and Scully, give them capes and make them all Matrix like and stuff. Take the Lethal Weapon good cop bad cop archetype and have Orlando Jordan and Bob Holly be O.J. and Holly. They don't get along, then they feud. Don't want to forget Hurricane Helms as the superhero either. He could be the news reporter guy more also. So who are the destructive forces. The man in the cloack would be one of three men hypothetically speaking; Goldberg, Austin or Lesnar. The money man would be Vince. One of the big three would be the dominant figure on the shows and would go on a massive winning streak as good or evil. They would eventually screw Vince because he's the evil puppetmaster and you gotta cut the cord eventually. That's just a drunk guy talking. Drown In Denouement Thank goodness, it's Friday. I'm hungry and I need more booze. Glad you joined me, don't have much more to say then, go be a big brother or big sister to your uncle or aunt. Make them feel young again. Until then, ahhhh, Bermulloch...................... Send Feedback HereI enjoy hearing from ya even if you want to rip me, it's cool. LOP Columns Forum Good reading material from some of my favorite writers. *NEW GALLERY* Wow! The Amazing RED CORSET Bedroom Photos of WWE's Maryse!
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