Stuck in the Middle With You - March Madness
Submitted by Da J-Train on Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 10:28 PM EST
Welcome back to my column everyone. Ah March… the month of Wrestlemania, the NCAA Tournament, and other fun things like… Lent… Lent? Well, 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.
Where has Da J-Train been? Well, I had a great idea for a column Wrestlemania weekend, and I had it ready to go, but I became extremely busy with midterms and leaving for Spring break. Then, I was on Spring Break… which translates to me as do as little work as humanly possible. Now I am back on schedule, but there is a problem… in the last two weeks I have been away, SO much has happened in the world of wrestling. So, I decided to combine the extremely insane past two weeks with the rest of the month of March, and since there is only 5 more days left in the month, I figured I would just put all of this crap into my column for one big slice of March Madness
BUT FIRST...
Letters! I get Letters! I get sacks and sacks of Letters! LETTERS!!! That's right; it's time to answer some of my Love, Hate, Kind-Of-Care-For, and I-Only-Like-You-as-A-Friend-Mail… I didn’t get any Chris Dailey fan mail, so I consider this a pretty good week! Since I had lots of post-worthy bits of feedback last time I wrote, for one week only, I will be bumping the Feedback O Rama section back up to 5!
Feedback O Rama
Letter 1 :
First of all, I love the George Carlin "Free Flowing Hostility" rant.. You manage to sound like him, yet use original rants.. I think that's highly admirable to be able to do that..
I liked the Hooked-on Phonics number you did on that kid/guy.. Maybe it was Dan Quayle?
I seriously love the main theme of your column.. I think you make your point clearly and well-written.. Your explanations of the pedophilia/ROH were some of the best I've read in a long time..
What do you think of Paul London? I think if anyone should be added to WMXX Cruiserweight match, it'd be that guy..
Well, just some tidbits.. Hope I didn't waste your time..
-Laiman
Laiman,
Thanks for all the kind words about my column. I think it’s pretty shitty of the WWE to not add Paul London to the Cruiserweight Open. He’s an excellent talent and it doesn’t reassure someone whose friend just walked out for being mistreated that the WWE is the place for him. I think that what pisses so many fans off about the non push of London is the fact that he SHOULD be pushed, but they don’t see it from the WWE’s point of view in that he is a young wrestler who is still earning his stripes in the WWE. I don’t necessarily agree, and I think he should be pushed, but I think that’s the WWE’s motivation.
Letter 2 :
does bradshaw have official web site> is he divorced? do you have any
wresler emails? what the name of joanie lauer aka chynas band she
joined>
have a nice day
Jrs Angel
Jrs Angel,
What… are you interested in Bradshaw sexually or something? That’s pretty disgusting if you ask me. Anyway, no, I don’t believe he has an official website. No, I do not have any wrestler’s emails, nor have any wrestler left me feedback. Although, I wish they would one day. I think the name of Joanie Laurer’s band is Chynna Doll, but don’t quote me. What can I say? You are asking me about wrestling personalities that I absolutely hate! Sorry I can’t be much of a help.
Letter 3 :
your stupid ass free flowing hostility is such a fucking rip-off, plus so many people in the lopforum columns have different versions of it, get some new ideas you george carlin wannabe cunt.
Stanley.weeks@us.army.mil
Stanley,
I am not ripping off George Carlin, I am paying tribute to him… as I have explained in my column many times. Carlin and Lewis Black happen to be my favorite comics, so I wanted to introduce their types of comedy to LOP. As for the columns forum people, I entered the columns forum WAY before anyone else in there did. In the mean time, certain members of that very columns forum, like Helix, Xan Man, etc. have commended me for Free Flowing Hostility calling it original and funny.
Maybe I put something in there that pissed you off because you actually do it. It’s too bad that you can’t have the sense to laugh it off. Carlin has done the same thing… has ripped on the things that I, myself, do, but I have the good sense to laugh it off and not take it personally. Also… doesn’t the Army allow you to get a somewhat free education? Because you really come off sounding like a complete moron using run on sentences and resorting to personal attacks against me. Maybe I’m a little old fashioned, but if you truly are in the Army, I feel a little scared that people like you are “defending” me.
Letter 4 :
I think you should read the IM log a little more.
You state that Rob just wanted to “chill” with the 14 year old boy. Well, Rob did say that, but he also made it very clear in discussing sex with the boy prior to stating that he was afraid of getting caught. He also said he thought about backing out of his visit to the 14 year old. If Rob’s intention was to just “chill”, why would he think about backing out?
Sir, it is apparent you are biased for whatever reason(s). However, it is extremely clear from the IM transcripts that Mr. Feinstein wanted to do more than “chill” with a 14 year old boy. If he didn’t, why be nervous about meeting him?
Thank you for your time.
Hovno2002
Honvo,
Are you serious? I mean… really, are you serious? I thought I made to abundantly clear in my column that I believed that Feinstein WAS going to the house to do more than “chill” with the boy. However, I also believe that you have to give some people the benefit of the doubt. He DID also say in the IM log that he didn’t want to get in trouble and he was having second thoughts. 9 out of 10 times, a person does not stick to that, but you never know what his motives are. You are not Mr. Feinstein. However, I will give you a direct quote from my column:
I think Feinstein needs to take a trip through one of our fine State Correctional Facilities. You know, it’s times like these that I with Oz really existed. I would love to see Rob Feinstein enter there and deal with the likes of the O’Reilly Brothers or Vern Schillinger. I know he would be totally screwed too. My uncle works at Auburn prison in Upstate New York… a huge penitentiary with some of the nastiest people in the nation, and he told me that the people who get abused the worst from the inmates are child killers, and sexual predators of children. In more ways than one, Feinstein would be fucked.
How the hell can you say that I am biased to Feinstein based on that comment? In fact, did you even READ my column? It was totally anti-Feinstein. Just because I believe in the right of a person to be innocent until proven guilty does not mean that I agree with what they did. The fact is, by the end of the IM log, no one could prove what Feinstein’s intentions were because he had the obvious change of heart. Do I believe that Feinstein’s intentions were more than likely wrong and that he was probably going to have sex with him? Yes I do. But God forbid I take an objective view to it. Please read my columns before you rip me
Letter 5 :
Ok I'll make this quick. I don't read your stuff that much. So this isn't hate mail or anything. I just wanted to make a note on something you touched recently.
Kanyon. I'm sorry, but he's NOT that good. Yes, I can almost see the SMARKS, MARKS, and anyone else going "huh?" But Kanyon...ugh, he could've been huge. Instead he decided to do nothing about it. And for that, I have no sympathy. His in ring work was sub-par at best. Sure, he could do creative moves...but he slothed around the ring most of the time. His mic work is one step above Matt Hardy's. Watching a Kanyon match isn't even as fun as watching an RVD (wwe) match now. At least RVD bumps for people like crazy. Kanyon barely ever bumps well, though he does bore me for a few minutes in between his "spectacular moves" which are nothing more than modified moves that the indy feds have been using for years.
Maybe if Kanyon could get some fluidity in the ring (remember Blitkrieg in WCW? Same problem, could've been big, had good moves) and work on the Mic, instead of using the same ole' catch phrase...
"WHO's better than Kanyon?" it should say "WHO cares about Kanyon?"
-Mike "I've pinned Sonjay Dutt back in the day" B.
Mike,
Well, what can I say, you can’t expect me to agree with your ripping of my favorite wrestler. You do bring up valid points though. Yes, Kanyon isn’t usually in the upward trend when it comes to progression, but I feel that what he brings to table is well enough. I never have expected him to be the WWE Champion. He is a perennial midcarder, but that’s one of the things I love about him.
As for his wrestling ability, sorry, I have to disagree with you there. He is a good wrestler. When WCW was still around, they sometimes had celebrities doing cameos in wrestling matches. People like Dennis Rodman, Jay Leno and Karl Malone wrestled matches for WCW. Do you think it would be wise for WCW to let a shitty wrestler train these celebrities for their matches? Sure, they were horrible, but if you have national coverage of a celebrity wrestling for you, do you want someone who could potentially train them like crap and risk them getting hurt and your promotion looking haphazard? No way, in that situation, you put in your best. That man was Kanyon. When the WWE wanted to create a new superstar in OVW in Johnny Jeter, who did they pair him with to help make him look good? Kanyon. He is a value of a wrestler.
And what’s wrong with using the same old catchphrase. Who’s Better Than Kanyon was a great catchphrase that the fans loved participating in. People like The Rock, Steve Austin, and others constantly used the same old catchphrase all the time. What’s so wrong with that, as long as the wrestler gets heat, and trust me, Kanyon does. Even when he wrestled dark matches and Velocity, he got some of the best heat on the entire show INCLUDING Smackdown! Don’t believe me? I was there for it many times and witnessed it myself.
So no, I do not agree with your view on Kanyon, but I really don’t think you expected me to. It’s alright. You have good points on why you don’t like him and I have mine. Thanks for reading though.
Alright, enough of this journey into the uses of electronic mail; it's time to get to the topic of my column:
March Madness
Ah March. What can be said about this month of March that hasn’t already said. In terms of wrestling, it came in like a lion and has gone out like a lion. What a month. I say we say fuck you to all the gimmicks and the tie ins and just go to it in this column. So, let’s just go chronologically. Ladies and Gentlemen… the month… that was.
Pete Rose in the WWE Hall of Fame
One of the earliest newsworthy wrestling related headlines was the Pete Rose was to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. It received major negative press for the WWE, including by almost any free thinking sports columnist. Let’s be honest folks. This was just a ploy by Vince McMahon to get more publicity for Wrestlemania. There will NEVER be another person inducted into the “celebrity wing” of the WWE Hall of Fame. There’s really nothing else to say.
Rob Feinstein Caught Trying to Solicit Sex from a 14 year Old Boy
I think I have said everything that I need to say about this situation in this edition of Feedback O Rama and in my last column. If you wish to read it… go to this link: http://www.lordsofpain.net/news/2004/articles/1078561212.php
Hercules Hernandez passes away
I always enjoyed Hercules as a wrestler. I had no gripes about him as a wrestler at all. Power and Glory was a team that I loved to hate, mainly because of their Summerslam match with The Rockers. Rest in Peace Hercules.
Brock Lesnar Leaves the WWE for the NFL
I didn’t believe it. I will be completely honest, I thought it was an obvious work and another ploy by Vince McMahon to boost interest in Wrestlemania. After all, someone just doesn’t sit around and decide to enter the NFL, especially without prior experience. It was laughable to me to think that Lesnar was actually conceiving this idea.
But it did happen. I still can’t believe that Brock Lesnar is no longer in the WWE. I was always a fan of Brock Lesnar during any of his WWE runs, and I will miss him. I always thought that he was constantly improving with his ability and his mic work. Back in Syracuse, when I saw the WWE Pay Per Views, I would go to Hooters to take advantage of the fact that they show the WWE Pay Per Views with no cover charge. Let me tell you this, NO ONE got more of a consistant reaction in his matches in that restaurant than Lesnar. Sure there would be little spurts of cheers here and there, but it was completely consistant during Lensar matches. I always saw him as someone that the fans loved, and until this year, I saw him as someone that loved the business.
Am I angry that Lesnar left? No I am not. I know he will be back. It’s almost a certainty to me. I attribute this decision by Lesnar to leave to the same decision that Michael Jordan made in 1993 when he left the Bulls and basketball altogether. One of the reasons given for Jordan’s departure is that he has accomplished all he needed to in basketball, and there was nothing left for him to prove. Jordan then “enjoyed” a less than to be desired baseball career and was soon back in basketball where he belongs. I feel the same thing will happen to Lesnar. I am glad to see that the WWE and he are on good terms, so he will come back someday.
Wrestlemania
Wrestlemania XX – If you’re not gonna make it the best, make it the longest” - Mike Ganley.
That’s pretty much the way I see Wrestlemania. As a whole, I did not like the show at all. I thought it was a pretty bad show with a few bright points, but overall, I did not think the show itself justified the $50 price, the year long hype, or a reason to sit through it for four hours.
I must say, however, that in all fairness, I missed four matches because the cable company gave my friend a faulty box, but I hardly think that the first four matches would have saved the pay per view for me. I’m sure that Jericho vs. Christian was great, and many people liked the Rock and Sock Connection vs. Evolution match, but here’s the thing… I truly dislike The Rock. Everything he does now just annoys me. I try to like him and I just can’t anymore. I truly find his mannerisms and catch phrases really annoying nowadays and I turn the channel when I see him. It’s my understanding that during the course of this match, Rock probably did something that would end up annoying me, so as much as I regretted missing the match, I really didn’t. In the mean time, I hardly think that the first two matches would have made a difference or saved the show for me, as solid as they probably were.
As for what I did see, I didn’t see anything truly special with a few exceptions. Granted, I didn’t expect much out of the evening gown match, but what it ended up being was complete bullshit. I thought the Cruiserweight Open was a complete joke. You could plainly tell what wrestlers the WWE cares about and which they really can care less about. Paul London was not in the match, Akio was screwed out of a Wrestlemania match, Nunzio was at the receiving end of the biggest bull shit moment, I think, of the match when he was counted out. Since when do cruiserweights get counted out? Funaki looked like the weakest wrestler in history, and even though it’s not the WWE’s fault, Ultimo Dragon looked like a fool with his slips. In the mean time, the entire match took 10 minutes. I have to commend these wrestlers for trying their best with the time they were given, but overall, the booking of this match made it a huge disappointment.
One of the biggest surprises of the night for me was Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg. What made the match surprising to me was obviously the crowd reaction. They hated both wrestlers so much! The first ten minutes of the match were so surreal, and then they began to wrestle, and put on, in my opinion, one of the worst matches in Wrestlemania history. I don’t expect much out of Goldberg matches, and I figured that Brock could carry him to a decent one, but with neither wrestler caring, it brought down the quality of the match, and no matter how shocking and amazing a crowd reaction is, I pay to see good wrestling, which is not what I got.
In the mean time, I liked the Women’s Title match. I thought both women put on good performances, and the outcome was good. It wasn’t all that shocking to see Molly with her head shaved because a bunch of ladies on this campus willingly shaved their heads for some reason. I also thought the Smackdown tag match was average at best. I always thought that Stamboli and Palumbo would have been better for the match. I also won’t devote an entire a whole paragraph to Guererro vs. Angle. It was a great match, as expected, so I had no gripes there.
Then, The Undertaker came back… kind of. This was easily the disappointment of the night for me and the rest of the party. We did not see the return of the Deadman. We saw the return of the American Bad Ass TRYING TO BE the Deadman. It was some sort of fucked up hybrid. He was the Desperado Deadman. He was Walker Texas Taker. Sure, he looked like the Deadman and acted like the Deadman, but he still moved and wrestled like the American Bad Ass. I didn’t think it would make a difference, but it really did. There was no Undertaker mystique, as I said, he was a weird hybrid. I honestly don’t think Mark Calloway wants to be the Deadman anymore. I think he likes being the American Bad Ass, so he decided on a compromise. Either way, the match wasn’t anything special, and the moment was disappointing for me.
Anyway, onto the savior of the Pay per View… Benoit vs. HHH vs. Shawn Michaels. I really enjoyed this match. It partially saved Wrestlemania for all of us, but it didn’t make the event worth while. I was so happy that Chris Benoit won the title. I believe his match with Michaels at the next event will be a great one. It was a surprising match with a surprising end. However, what does it say when something that logically should have happened surprises us so much? Either way, it was a great match and a great Radicalz reunion to end the pay per view.
Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye
Before we get to the huge news (The Draft) of the month, I would like to acknowledge those who are no longer with us via WWE Release. This happened throughout the month, so I decided to put it here. Ohio Valley Wrestling personalities Rip Rogers and Nikita were released for their own specific reasons. Ron Simmons was also released by the WWE. It seems like that it was a good decision by the WWE. What I would have done though is tell Simmons that I didn’t want him to wrestle anymore, but offer him a road agent position. If he didn’t take it, I would give him his walking papers. Who am I forgetting? Oh yeah, Goldberg! I am personally happier than a pig in shit that Goldberg is gone. I have been very outspoken in my tenure at LOP about how much I dislike Goldberg, and that will never change. So, I wish Goldberg adieu and good luck in Japan.
The Draft
Ah the Draft… the central character in the most important Raw in months. The draft was a very surprising move by the WWE, and easily could have been a screw up or an easy success. I personally thought it was, for the most part, a success. There were many logical and definitely good moves by the WWE. And while some of the moves seem very illogical and just plain stupid, there are lots of potential with the majority of the picks or trades.
Two of the picks were puzzling to lots of fans. The first one was Tajiri. I myself was quite baffled by this pick until I remembered one point that I read about weeks ago. The WWE was supposed to have Kenzo Suzuki debut on Raw soon after Wrestlemania. I always questioned why the WWE would actually do something like this, but after the draft, I put two and two together. I think Suzuki will go on Raw and form a tag team with Tajiri. As for Akio & Sakoda, this is the perfect way to make Dragon their heel leader.
The other pick that baffled some fans was Theodore Long. I was also kind of mystified by this pick, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, he would become Smackdown’s newest General Manager. That didn’t happen though, so what shall Long do? My guess is one of two things. Long will either manage a heel Booker T to his eventual WWE Title win. That is what I hope to see. However, unfortunately, I can also see Long managing Orlando Jordan as a upstart superstar. I can’t stand Orlando Jordan, but I do see the WWE doing this.
All in all, I thought the draft was a good way to get viewers and some new contention in the WWE. I say bravo to the WWE for making this decision. It truly helped get me back into the shows.
Well, I suppose I can end there on the truly major parts of the month. I was planning on covering the arrest of Steve Austin, but it wasn’t as huge as the rest. March was truly an important month for the WWE in many different ways. Right now, the WWE has a wave of momentum going for it that I can only hope it can run with.
Random Stops Along the Way
Hooray! Nick Dinsmore is rumored to debut soon on Raw. Rumor has it that he will be an over enthusiastic WWE fan. I don’t exactly know what that will mean, but many people think that he will be considered the retarded wrestler. I think if the WWE is actually going to do this, it will kill their momentum. There is nothing like possibly offending an active part of the WWE’s audience to really piss off everyone. I don’t think Dinsmore’s apparent character, Eugene, will be retarded, I think he will be more along the lines of nieve. Reports say that he is supposed to be an average guy who is overly enthused about the WWE, professional wrestling, and being in the WWE. So, in other words, Nick Dinsmore’s gimmick is Maven.
I just noticed that the F.B.I.’s theme song is No Sleep Till Brooklyn by the Beastie Boys. Has anyone else noticed this at all?
I wonder what the WWE will do with the fact that one of the new Smackdown superstars has, essentially, the exact same move as its champion. Will Eddie Guererro start using the Lasso from El Paso again? Will Rob Van Dam start using some… other… move?
Am I the only one in America who is not Rick James, bitch?
Hey guys, do you have a special girl out there? Bring her to go see Jersey Girl. Sure, the film is extremely sappy and formulaic, but you also have to understand that it is also an experimental film by a filmmaker that is used to doing dick and fart jokes. I am a fan of Kevin Smith, and this is no where near his best movie, but if you like his writing, and are ready to accept the fact that Jay and Silent Bob are gone, then give it a shot, if for any other reason than to support Kevin. Or… maybe you want to support Carlin, who, by the way, steals the show in this movie. Just wanted to get that out there
Oooh, and speaking of Carlin… it’s time for…
Free Flowing Hostility: Minor cultural items I am Bored With, Tired Of, and Pissed At.
1. People who over stress the E sound on the word Yeah .
If you want an example of this, go to a high school or any random college, and find the wanna-be thug clique that is bound to be running rampant. Look, I have no problem with people who tend to stress the E sound… it’s the unnecessarily large stress of the letter/sound that I have a problem with. One of the biggest problems I have with this bullshit is that the people who do this are generally loud and obnoxious. Not only that, everytime they talk, it seems like they’re doing some insanely ridiculous impression of that midget that used to pop out of cupboards screaming EEEEEEE. That little bastard pissed me off, so why not these other little bastards?
2. Hello Kitty.
I pose this one question to anyone who partakes in this wonderful example of poseur non conformity… why is Hello Kitty some sort of icon in field of “alternative” lifestyles. I have been seeing more and more Hello Kitty wear at “alternative” stores like Hot Topic and on these females who love to show how cool they are by showing how uncool they are. People… it is a FUCKING CARTOON CAT! Now, I know nothing says non conformity like a cartoon cat… but the last time I checked, the role models of these alternativities, if that’s a word (and if it isn’t, I am making it up), never hoisted Garfield or Heathcliff on their shoulders as a beacon of contemporary non conformist fashion. It’s reasons like this, and the prices, that I am seriously considering never setting foot in Hot Topic ever again. If they didn’t carry music and apparel of some of my favorite punk bands, and a humorous variety of bumper stickers, then I would never walk in there. I just can’t get over it… it’s a cartoon cat! It doesn’t take much nowadays does it? The next thing you know, we’ll be seeing Sticky, the magical stream of Cum, on shirts and apperal all over the world!
Alright guys that’s it for today, so I guess it’s time to wrap it up.
The Caboose
What did we learn today?
1. March was a hell of a Month
2. Eh, screw the recap, you just read the fucking column. I have to go write a paper.
Alright guys, I’ll be back next time with some Clash for all of you. Until then, take care. Thanks for reading
----------------------------------------- Da J-Train -------------------------------------
merlinJAP@hotmail.com (If you email me, put FEEDBACK in the email subject or it will be deleted)
AIM: JPAW101…. Feel free to talk to me, I am friendly and give good hugs!
LOTS of Hot Photos of Randy Orton's Wife SAMANTHA!!!
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