Raw Results 3-22-2004
Submitted by Steven "Rommel" Schaeffer on Monday, March 22, 2004 at 11:23 PM EST



Steven “Rommel” Schaeffer can be reached at the above address and AIM screen name “Winged Mystery.”

Backstage Vince met with Bishoff and Heyman, talking about the Draft/Lottery. The two GMs would be given the roster of the opposing show to choose from. There will be twelve picks altogether, and open trades until midnight tonight. No one would be exempt, no matter what the circumstances. The opening video and song played. The announcers, from both shows, welcome us to the show. Eric Bishoff came to the stage, where a podium was set up for Raw. Heyman followed to go to his own podium; he would have the first pick. There was huge heat for Paul, especially when he mentions the assault by the Undertaker and promises to deal with him this Thursday night. He walks to the same bingo machine they have had for years now, and draws a ball. He states that one of the premiere groups on Raw has been broken up. Backstage Evolution is frightened, but it is actually Rene Dupree. His statistics are shown on screen, and the Smackdown! announcers hype his unlimited potential. The youngest man on the roster comes out to wave his flag, and walks to the ring. He tells the crowd bilingually to shut up, and talks about getting a stunner last week. So he demands a final match on Raw, against any Raw jabronni. Chris Jericho enters. In his crazed mood from ‘Mania Jericho attacks Dupree. Rene makes it to the ropes on an early attempt of the Walls, but Jericho maintains control. Rene makes a very short comeback, even daring the Dupree shuffle, but the Canadian Drizz’t is quickly backed on his toes while the French Artemis is on his heels. R.A. Salvatore references baby. Jericho hits an enziguri to knock out the Frenchman. Chris Jericho defeated Rene Dupree via pin fall. Rene gets livid on the microphone and demands respect. Austin rides down on his ATV and offers the youngster (He’s two years younger than me!) his hand. Tsk tsk, two years younger and two millennia less wise I see. Austin stuns the new Smackdown! star and celebrates with le beer.

With Rico and Miss Jackie already in the ring Lillian announces Bishoff first pick for Raw. He states that Vince considers Raw the better show, because here was where he chose to hold this important event. Bishoff draws from the Bingo machine, which deserves a place in the WWE Hall of Fame. He states they will no longer have the issue of whether or not to call them the “World’s Greatest Tag Team” or the “Self-Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team,” because what they are now is ancient history. Shelton Benjamin is welcomed to Raw. Backstage, he and Charlie Haas shake hands and hug goodbye. Kane comes out for a match, and squashes Rico. Kane defeated Rico via pin fall. He told the GMs, while holding their throats, it didn’t matter what show he was on – so long as he wasn’t on the same show as the Undertaker. Paul Heyman made his second choice and revealed he had broken up another super group, and once more Evolution is shown panicking. JR would no longer be able to call him a true blue-chipper, and claimed Mark Jindrack. Please reunite him with Sean O’Hare and let them fly! RVD© and Booker T© are to face Ric Flair and Batista later tonight it was announced. Jericho performs his WWE Originals song on his new YJ Stinger commercial.

All the Raw superstars sit backstage, worried. It is Bishoff’s turn, and a mild “Cena” chant starts. Bishoff chooses… the formerly no-sighted Nidia! She comes out to thank Bishoff for the chance to be the Women’s Champion, and takes off her blue Smackdown! shirt (Her breasts are much bigger than I remember) and puts on her new Red Raw shirt. Paul is about to make his choice, when John Cena wearing his traditional football jersey, comes out to a huge pop. He has a racier rap tonight, here on cable TV. He decides to pick for Heyman, and hands Paul the ball from super bingo machine. Bishoff forces the Smackdown! GM to accept the pick, even though of course Paul doesn’t want to accept Cena’s pull. He reads to discover that Raw has lost…. Triple H! Thank you God! Take That Smackdown! recapper guy. Welcome… to my… Hell. Excuse me a moment while I celebrate on my chair with a pair of Africa Korps brewsies. Ha! Wait… awww this shirt is silk! We get a shot backstage at the surprised former champion before the ads take us away from this euphoric moment.

During the break Eric went insane while the Raw locker room sang Hunter home. I wonder how much of a shoot that was. Christian and his new valet, Evil Trish (To unlock Evil Trish, input the following code: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A and Start.) Christian would take on Spike, who was quickly squashed. Christian defeated Spike Dudley via pin fall. Actually, I typed that too soon. Spike actually got in a decent amount of offense including a cross body from the top turn buckle to the outside. Still, the ending was academic when the unprettier finished the smallest Dudley 1, 2 and 3. Bishoff came out to make his pick but quickly left to find Mr. McMahon.

Backstage Bishoff pleads with Vince over the loss of HHH. Vince claims that once it is announced there is nothing he can do about it. Heyman proposes a radical new idea, have Eddie defend his title tonight against Triple H and have Chris Benoit defend his title as well. Eric comes out to defend his name, and says he is going to shake things up with his next pick. He declares that the next pick will have a title shot against Chris Benoit tonight. He chooses a ball, and shows that coming to Raw for a World Heavyweight Championship match, is Rhyno.

The Tag champs wrestled Evolution members Ric Flair and Batista. This is the first match of the night to get any time. Evolution worked on Booker T, while Rob got the crowd to chant “RVD.” I hope I am never in a bar fight where my friend thinks that is helping. Booker finally got the tag to Van Dam after tossing Ric off the turnbuckle. RVD immediately hit the 5*, but was unable to make the cover when Batista chased him out of the ring.

When we return Booker T has made a recovery and is taking it to Batista. He tags in Rob, who hits the top-rope flying sidekick while Booker T holds Batista in a bear hug. Flair breaks up the pin attempt, and takes control. He locks the figure four leg lock on, but Rob makes it to the ropes. Booker came in a house of fire, which included the bookend on Batista, the Harlem sidekick on Flair and the Scissor kick on Batista. Flair broke up the three count. Rob had his own spot o’ plenty segment, but accidentally hit Booker with a spring board kick. Batista landed a power bomb, Evolution’s Batista and Ric Flair defeated Booker T© and RVD© via pin fall and that was all she wrote.

Paul announces his fourth pick, which is the extreme reunion of the mad genius and Mr. Thursday Night, Rob Van Dam. Backstage RVD and Booker T talk about the rematch they have in their contracts. Coachman informs RVD that he’s been drafted.

Can Rhyno rise up from Smackdown to defeat the Heavyweight Champion, Chris Benoit? Speaking of rising up, I saw that Dawn of the Dead usurped The Passion of the Christ for the number one film in America. Of course, the Passion already became the eighteenth highest grossing film ever made. Take that Sixth Sense. “I see dead people.” Kid, do any of those dead people look like Jesus? Rhyno takes it to Benoit early, attempting a power bomb but opting to instead fall backwards and drop Chris face first into a turnbuckle. Then he does something very surprising, he locks on a sharpshooter. Chris muscles his way valiantly to the ropes, and makes a comeback with three German Suplexes and the flying head butt. Rhyno retakes control and calls for the gore, but his attempt is dodged and he only ends up eating a cross face and tapping out. Chris Benoit defeat Rhyno via submission. Chris poses for a tepid crowd for a long time, until we cut to Eric watching on a monitor backstage. HBK approaches and demands to be traded to Smackdown! so he can continue his quest for HHH. Bishoff promises something better, a title shot versus Chris Benoit at Backlash in which Shawn has his total support. HBK thinks that he can get back at Hunter by getting the one thing that he cares about.

Bishoff is quick to announce Raw’s newest acquisition, the Japanese Buzz saw Tajiri. He hugs his henchman goodbye. Paul says he is bored with the shirt and cap routine and immediately chooses, and finds that he has Theodore Long on Smackdown! Eric also picks up the pace, and pulls a huge pick in Edge! Paul makes his final draw of the bingo machine, and gets Spike Dudley. He tosses the ball away in disgust. Eric reaches into his blue balls and draws, oh wow – Paul Heyman. Wow, both Stephanie and Hunter on the same show you say? And I play Dungeons and Dragons Thursdays too. God loves me. Paul talks about his history, and states he will not sell his soul. So he quits! Eric climbs in the ring to talk about having survived two co-GMs and how any one coming to Raw had better learn to live with doing things his way right now. Edge hits and out he comes, to Bishoff who is all arms. After being in the ring for a mere moment he spears Eric Bishoff.

During the break, yet somehow still live, Paul Heyman left the building. HHH makes his entrance, tearing off his Raw shirt to reveal Smackdown! blue. Eddie’s convertible doesn’t bounce, but instead leans up on two side wheels. The two square off in an excellent match. Hunter was in control buy couldn’t put the Champion away. Suddenly, Eddie took the pace setting position. He nailed the three vertical suplexes and called for the Frog Splash. Then the announcing switched from Michael Cole and Tazz to Lawler and JR. Evolution, wearing Raw red shirts, had come to ring, and were about to hand Hunter the title but Cena and Rey Mysterio, wearing blue Smackdown! shirts, made the save. The two continued to wrestle as more and more of both rosters ran to the ring, and soon the enough pay roll of the WWE is at ringside brawling. Christian caused a disqualification in the match, and we have a good old WCW Nitro ending on our hands. The announcers keep switching back and forth to yell at their amazement… and the show went dark.

Match Results
Chris Jericho defeated Rene Dupree via pin fall.
Kane defeated Rico via pin fall.
Christian defeated Spike Dudley via pin fall.
Evolution’s Batista and Ric Flair defeated Booker T© and RVD© via pin fall.
Eddie Guererro and HHH wrestled to a no contest.

Smackdown! Acquisitions:
Rene Dupree
Mark Jindrack
Triple H
Rob Van Dam
Theodore Long
Spike Dudley

Raw Acquisitions:
Shelton Benjamin
Nidia
Rhyno
Tajiri
Edge
Paul Heyman

Hate Mail:
In your report you had made a joke about Asian penises. I found that comment to be offensive and all I have to say to you in response is to f**k off!

I did in fact mention Asian penises. There was no intended offense or attempt at degradation. The sheer mention of them does not equate any racism or insult. Still, I would like to make things up with you. I grant you the honor of being the cinematographer for the pornographic feature I am making, starring all the female members of your family. I suggest you use a rear angle when I am in your grandmother to display my enormous, swinging balls.








*NEW GALLERY* Go Directly to a RANDOM COOL & RARE WWE & TNA VIDEO! Check It Out!

• Quick Links -
  [Back to LOP] [News Archives] [Results] [Columns] [Forums]